Wonder if you guys have some advise. Sorry if it's long.

My husband of 20 years had an affair. This is the first time and of course I was shocked. We had been having issues for several years so even though I expected him to talk to me about a separation I did not expect lies and deceit.

When I found out of course I was devastated and we managed to talk it through and try and work it out. I told him that he had to end all contact with this OW. He told me he needed "time" to make up his mind. I was almost convinced that he was going to carry on with her and separate from me.

This went on for a couple of days. I think the reason he did not want to separate from me is because he is afraid that he will lose money (alimony and so on).

He then came to me several days ago saying that he wanted to save the marriage and it was over and he promised never to see her again. He came to the decision that he did not want to give up on 20 years for someone he hardly even knows.

I was happy and we vowed to really try hard.

Then I found the email - SHE broke up with him. She told him all or nothing and that he had to try and work out his issues and they could revisit at another time.

I was devastated all over again. He lied again.
Should I confront him with this?
He sat for hours telling me how much he loved me but I truly believe he is in love with her.
I think he is doing this so that when we do break up, he can say at least we tried and walk away clean (without the guilt of cheating).

Sorry full of emotion right now and rambling a bit.

Any other insight would be appreciated.

In "Surviving an Affair", Sue's affair ended when her lover dumped her, just like what happened with your husband. She was only willing to going back to Jon because she had no better option. Neither of them was in love any more. They followed the program, and today are enjoying a romantic marriage.

As to your husband, of course he was/is in love with the OW. That is a given. You need to take the initiative and make sure his affair stays dead. He needs to commit to a program of recovery. The blueprint is in "Surviving an Affair.

Never really thought of it like that. Thank you - that helps.

I'm sorry for the pain that brought you here. Where did your husband meet the other woman?

Since your husband has promised to never have contact with the OW again, he should be willing to send her a no contact letter. There is a template here on the site for that, and I will include it in my next post.

Dr. Harley has a proven plan for recovering from infidelity, but in order for it to work, it must be followed without skipping any steps (you will understand why as you read more...it is designed to affair-proof your marriage, and also to help you to heal from his betrayal).

Here are Dr. Harley's step, taken from the Book "Surviving an Affair":

******

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Here is a template of the no contact letter that I mentioned above. It is recommended that your husband write it in his own handwriting, and then give it to YOU to view before sealing in the envelope. Then you should take it yourself to mail and/or take it to the post office and pay for signature receipt so that you will know that the OW has received it.

*****
(Other Woman's name)
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again.

My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that my wife did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay her for the pain that I have caused, I will do my best to become the husband that she has been missing.

I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness.

I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,
(your husband's name)

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Has his affair been exposed? Do you have kids?

No I don't have the book yet.

Affair exposed only to me.

No kids.

She already wrote the "it over, don't contact me letter".

He told me that it was HIM who ended with her.

Then start working the check list. You expose the affair, without telling him. Use one of the templates in the Exposure 101 thread.

If he is committed to the marriage, he should write the NC letter and you should send it. All contact information should change asap (today).

Also, she was trying to force him to chose her in the email. She's hoping he will come around. You need to close off those avenues of contact.

Thank. He wants to separate to see which direction he's going in. He's very predictable so I know what he's going to do - I need to start to heal.

You need to expose his affair.

Have you read the Exposure thread?

Who is on you exposure list?

When will you be exposing?

fugly, he wants to separate to pursue his affair. He knows what direction he is "going in." If not, hand him a compass. Your marriage will not heal if he leaves to pursue his affair. You need to expose the affair and do your best to kill the affair. It is your only chance.

Yes, the affair has been exposed already.

I asked him to end contact with her and decide who he wanted to be with. He told me he wanted to give us a chance. Two days later he then changed his mind and said he wants to separate. We talked a lot during the week. He said he does not want to be reminded every time we talk that he had an affair and did not want to live like that. I told him it was only a week that this happened and still raw.

So he's going to pursue the affair - he infatuated with her.

Did you expose to all family and friends?

To WHOM was it exposed and what EXACTLY did you say? Don't give us names, but tell us the relationship of every person to whom you exposed.

Two days ago you said the affair was exposed only to you. Did you do a exposure to others since then? Did you read the exposure 101 thread and use the templates provided?

Your husband is an addict. He is not a rational adult and has any clue about his future. Who cares what he thinks? The question is, what do YOU want to do? Affair fighting is serious business. You can not leave the decision in the hands of a crazy wayward. If you had suddenly realized that your husband had gotten drunk while out to dinner, would you then expect him to drive you home?

If you want to recover, YOU need to decide. You start with an effective exposure. That is telling everybody, not just a few people who will keep the secret. So, please answer ML's question.

sorry for the delay in response - my cousin came to stay with me to help me through.

exposed only to me. my friends know. his don't.

I read so many things - I thought I had read it but I will do it now.

I'll report back with any news.

Please read this Exposure 101

You need to expose on OW's side and to yours and his family and friends.

When will you be doing this?