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Joined: Jun 2013
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It is so painful and frustrating watching so many car wrecks happening before our very eyes when a traumatically wounded Betrayed Spouse is so hung up on explaining how they feel and how they procrastinate doing a thourough, immediate exposure, using the kindly worded templates that are readily available in the Exposure 101 topic thread provided by Melody Lane.

It's time to s**t or get off the pot.

Quit being tenuous and afraid of the reaction of your Wayward Wife. They usually are brutal for several days after exposure, then calm down, trying to pretend that they are no longer seeing or talking to the POSOM, but that is precisely what Spyware and Voice Activated Recorders are for.

Of course she will try to placate you with comments that she didn't mean for anything to happen, or say that he is Just A Friend.

Betrayal is defined by the party being hurt by their spouses actions.

Please, please start taking actions immediately instead of blogging about inconsequential details.

LTL

Joined: Aug 2015
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Wow. Really?! I come here in desperation and this is what you write?

Did you even READ the original post? What WIFE??? I am the freaking WIFE!

Actually - thank you for this. This is why my friends tell me to stay away from forums. Message received.

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You need to Focus on exposure as has been stated so many times to you.

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Originally Posted by fugly
Actually - thank you for this. This is why my friends tell me to stay away from forums. Message received.
Because one of us (a long time poster on this forum by the way) gives an answer in error, you are going to leave?

How many of your friends have 35+ years of experience in restoring marriages after an affair? Not just one marriage, but thousands of them?

We understand your frustration...I remember well reading the replies that I got here, and at the time I often wondered if the posters had truly read my story. It seemed often like a canned response...

Now that I've been here for 2+ years, I understand that the reason for this is that ALL affair stories take the EXACT same path!

Each wayward spouse acts the same, speaks the same fog babble, and takes the same route towards destruction. And most (not all, but most) betrayed spouses come here with their own fog...having bought into the gaslighting for sometimes years prior to the affair.

So it becomes a bit difficult at times to respond with unique replies and posts to help someone to get started towards recovery.

MY experience, not speaking for Dr. Harley, is that unless and until the betrayed spouse will demand the MINIMUM necessary to even BEGIN recovery, there is no hope. That applies whether the betrayed spouse is male or female...it very truly does.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Originally Posted by fugly
exposed only to me. my friends know. his don't.

I read so many things - I thought I had read it but I will do it now.

I'll report back with any news.
I have the feeling that maybe you're not (yet) realizing how serious this situation is. I do understand how that can happen, because I was in your boat just 2+ years ago...

Has anyone showed you this link about gaslighting yet? Please explain gaslighting

Please give it a read and see if anything jumps out at you. If so, then my wish for you is that you could understand that no one wants to be mean here...we just want you to SEE what is going on in your life...what is the reality that you are dealing with.

Your husband already SAID that he was willing to end all contact (once)...the window of opportunity to follow Dr. Harley's plan is very very small...You see, if you will expose, you will have LOTS of support for your marriage AND by bringing the affair to the light of day in front of everyone, your husband just may already be at the point where he can SEE the fantasy of the affair for what it is. It's not a real relationship. And what you and he have IS real...complete with warts and all (that you are willing to work on to fix, and after he comes out of the fog, I bet that he will be also).

I hope that you will read the link that Melodylane and Brainhurts provided for you. Exposure isn't to punish anyone. It is to garner support for yourself and your marriage. smile



DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Originally Posted by fugly
Wow. Really?! I come here in desperation and this is what you write?

Did you even READ the original post? What WIFE??? I am the freaking WIFE!

Actually - thank you for this. This is why my friends tell me to stay away from forums. Message received.

I presume that my one word typo in the message I wrote is what set you off, so I apologize for not being clear headed enough while also making dinner for my Son-12 and supervising his homework.

By the way, sometimes a minor fog creeps into my perception, because yesterday was my 1st day discharged from the hospital and rehab physical therapy since July 17th, after having both of my knees replaced with new implant replacements, alongvwith 3 additional, more intrusive surgeries to attempt to rid each knee of MSSA (?) Staff Infections and i spent the prvious 11 hours finally getting my Son back to Middle School after he had missed the 1st 2 weeks due to my hospitalization. Oh, and with no current outside help, I also spent 6 of those hours going back to the hospital, 1 hour+ away, to have the dressings on my PICC Line changed, which is a permanently installed IV Line for me to self administer my antibiotics for the next 6 weeks.

I will bow out since I was so ill informed and made 1 error in my post.

LTL

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Originally Posted by fugly
Wow. Really?! I come here in desperation and this is what you write?

Did you even READ the original post? What WIFE??? I am the freaking WIFE!

Actually - thank you for this. This is why my friends tell me to stay away from forums. Message received.

With all due respect, the people taking their own personal time to help you on this "forum" have solved their problems. They don't have to help you. WE are all volunteers who are just paying it forward. After all, yu came here asking us for help, we didn't seek you out. Seems like you would be a little more gracious to those who take their own time to post to you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by fugly
This is why my friends tell me to stay away from forums. Message received.

To a large extent your friends are very wise. Forums are generally a terrible place to get marriage advice. You have no idea of the agendas of the people posting to you (wiccans, atheists, angry divorced persons) nor their personal experience(s) other than what they tell you (fake stories, trolls, other woman). This place is different. Here at MB there is an expert with 40 or so years of experience and who has counseled thousands of couples, trained thousands of marriage counselors, written a dozen books, sold thousands of books who gives away his advice on his forum (and on his radio show) and has a this forum where hundreds of volunteers who have utilized Dr. Harley's programs and methods to not only save their marriages but restore romantic love in their marriages participate sharing their experiences using MB.

This forum is not a sales pitch to sell you coaching or a $500 ebook. This forum is not a bunch of psuedo-intellectual peer counselors who will try to help you with your marriage using their own personal opinions when those opinions brought them no happiness or love in their own marriages whatsoever.

What this forum is ....is HOPE. Free Hope. Your marriage might not be saveable. We can only help you to the extent you are willing to listen, learn and implement the advice. The rest is up to your spouse who unfortunately isn't here listening and applying the concepts as well and obviously has a (self destructive) mind of his own.


As far as your husband not telling you about OW dumping him. In the grand scheme it matters not a lick. After I exposed my wife, her OM dumped her. Some people get caught up in the thought that they want their spouse to "choose them" over the other person but that just doesn't matter. All that matters is that the affair is truly over.

Consider this too...your husband DID kind of break up with her. She demanded all or nothing. It sounds like your husband wanted both. He wasn't willing to give you up to be with her exclusively so she ended it. From your husband's standpoint ...he probably doesn't think he's lying. Waywards are notorious truth shifters so from his point of view...OW wanted more, he denied her so he ended it.

Anyway....ending the affair once and for all is step one to any possible recovery. It is impossible to recover with a third party lingering in the wings. How it ended is irrelevant. What you do from here IS relevant.

You really must strike while the iron is hot. Meaning...you need to insist that just merely staying married and continuing on as though nothing happened isn't acceptable to you. That rebuilding a marriage of extra-ordinary care where both of you love and feel loved and respected by the other spouse is required in order for you to give him another chance. That you are willing to hopefully love and trust him again but only if he is willing to work a marital recovery program designed to rebuild love and trust.

My wife and I both posted here. I actually sent her a link to something here and she registered and started posting. I actually registered and posted after her. When your husband asks you what he is supposed to do to make things better (which every frustrated wayward spouse seems to do as they are still in it's all about me fog), you need to tell him to post here, tell us who he is and what he's done and ask us for help and how he can go about making things better. For example, here is a link to the poster HerPapaBear's first post on this forum in Nov. 2007. ( HerPapaBear's First MB Thread asking for help as a Wayward Husband His wife, sexymamabear, posted here first, use MB and then when she confirmed PapaBear was still in contact with OW she went into Plan B and insisted he come to MB. He (and his wife) posted here on MB for years, first for their marriage and then to help others. HerPapaBear at some point changed his name to TST, I think, so there may be more posts than just what you see under HerPapaBear. You will see PapaBear indicates they have 5 children....well, since recovering their marriage they have adopted 4 more. They live close enough to me that my wife and I have visited them a couple times over the years. HerPapaBear is a close respected friend of mine now. It's so hard to believe he was at one time a wayward monster.

Hope you stick around and/or send your husband here.

Godspeed.


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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