I am so sorry for the pain you're going through. I just wanted to mention that those EXACT words were said to me by my WW. I'm not exaggerating. It wasn't similar, it was exactly that. They have a script that's downloaded into their brains. Male/female, Christian/Buddhist, American/Irish. Doesn't matter. They all say the same things.

It is not just horrible; it is also totally unsustainable. Time is on your side.

This.

She is only trying to paint you in a bad light to justify her affair. Every time she gets a nasty response from you she feels better about not being with you. (See, he'll never change)

But your plan A has the best chance to win her over.
Every time OM slips up, and he will, she will automatically in her mind compare him to you.
Every time is short with her, every time he is late, every time he forgets the groceries, every time he starts complaining about the cost of the hotel, every time he is in a bad mood, every time life is not all flowers, she will think about what she had to give up.

That's why you have to look good in comparison. Every time he combs his balding head and she thinks of your good hair and every time she tries to ignore his potbelly, etc.

Just stay cool and radiate self esteem and zest for life. Do not let yourself be drawn into discussions. Just happen to find an old photograph and tell her "look how cute you smile in this picture, do you remember how the dolphin almost bit your toe?" You get it. She is on the sinking ship and you are the rock/life boat.

As long as the affair is ongoing, this person isnt your wife, but an alien has taken over her body. Talking sensible is not an option.

There are several threads describing "fog babble" or "crazy things waywards say". Reasoning with your wife at this point is like reasoning with a dronk, a complete waste of time.

My thoughts are YIPPEE!! This is going fabulously well!! You have managed to cause enormous conflict in the affair and as time wears on and reality intrudes, things will get worse and worse in affair land.

Would your FIL agree to stop facilitating her affair from his house? Does he know she is using his house to behave like an unpaid wh*re? If this were my daughter, she would out immediately. Does he support his DD conducting her affair from his home?

But you need to STOP LOVEBUSTING!!!

Thanks Melody,

Thought you would appreciate the impact of the exposure letters at work! It was the best bit of news all evening, my wife had, in her rage about the letters, told me that everyone thought I was pathetic. Obviously not. The OM being called in about his Facebook antics was a bonus.

No, my FIL would not kick her out. He has been brilliant to me & helped me in every way possible but he wouldn't do that. He disapproves completely with her actions & wants us to reunite, but that would be too much for him.
She doesn't take OM to their house, she goes to meet him in hotels etc.

Thank you all for your replies BTW. Each and every one is a great source of inspiration & I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.
I have mostly been textbook in following the guidelines, hopefully it pays off eventually. I was very despondent when my wife left this evening, but the fact we were so emotional about it shows we both care. Her behaviour does seem to fit the bill so far.

Happyheart, you are right BTW, the OM is bald & has a pot belly, I have a full head of hair & no belly! Also been told he looks 10 years older than he is!

Does your FIL know she is wh*ring it up in hotels with the OM?

Every time you lovebust her, you trash any progress you have made in her lovebank.

One slip is like setting off a nuclear bomb.

Are you on antidepressants?

What some encouraging thoughts??

MANY of us here with R M's heard the EXACT SAME THING during the active A. You are seeing that having these types of conversations with your W get you nowhere and is horrible to hear.

It is easy to understand why you are so down right now. Talks like these only reinforce your current situation and will bring you down further.

Hang in there. This A has a very low % chance of working. You have to trust that there is much conflict in the A at this point. A's are one of the most selfish acts a person can do. You can see her perspective of 'putting herself first' and what this is doing to her (and many others around her).

I predict that within the next few weeks to couple of months this is going to crumble.

Hang in there friend. I heard many of the exact same things as you did and my M is Recovered now! My FWW sees things in a completely different light now that this experience is behind us.

Her love for him is going to have to die before she will see any hope in your M. Actually, I see what she told you as standard language we have seen here hundreds of time from waywards.

When this A dies, she will remember how great you were to her. Keep those internal changes growing in yourself. Regardless how this comes out, you will be a better person.

Sarma, just know that the stage is set for you to save your marriage. You have done everything to kill the affair and it is crumbling as we speak. As it crumbles, she will reach out to you more and more so it is critically important that you present yourself as an attractive option. See, the OM does not have the benefit of this program and doesn't know to avoid love busters. You do!! So you have to avoid love busters at all cost.

Every time you love bust her, you make the OM look good. I don't think you want to do that, do you??

Thank you for the words of encouragement, yes it is hard to see there is hope when you hear such cruel words coming from the person you love, but it is reassuring to hear that it has all been heard before. I do still have great hope for our marriage despite what she has said.
I texted her last night and apologised for the way our discussion went the other night and told her that we both got too emotional, and that we will sit down and compromise. I don't know the answer- I want our daughter in our home 4 nights a week -it is her home after all, but my wife is insisting on 50/50; ie 4 nights with her in her parents house every fortnight.
I don't want our daughter here for selfish reasons, it's purely for her protection and stability, she loves her own wee bed & our home too.

I am going to avoid relationship talk as it just causes conflict & LB'S and we just keep going round in circles. As someone said in a previous reply, I will just have to be the best that I can be and let my plan A do the talking. My wife knows how I feel and what I want for us in the future, but I am thinking of writing a letter so she can take it away & read it without us getting into a row or heated discussion.

My wife has my daughter today & they have both gone off to spend the day together, just the 2 of them, which is great. She rarely did that, she always had to have her mother or another kid with her for company. I told her to enjoy it.

As far as her relationship /affair with OM, I am not so sure it is crumbling, but it certainly isn't in the honeymoon period anymore. I think I will have to wait a long time for it to end, but we will see. The fact it isn't the bed of roses at work that she told me it was is great. Despite the 'us against the world ' attitude of them both, there has to be some kind of guilt/shame there. Apparently most of the workplace (around 34 people) are disgusted with what they both have done.
Some of her closest friends are so angry with her too & have called her actions delusional and selfish. She needs to hear that.

I feel like I should be doing more to drive conflict into this affair, but not sure what I can do that I haven't already done. Any further actions may drive them closer together.
The OM is such a coward that I would love to confront him again, he feels that he is untouchable. Not sure that is wise though.

I am aware that my wifes actions are beyond my control & I should control what I can, ie:me.
Sorry, I have been waffling- hope it makes sense.

This forum has been a godsend and the words of encouragement & vast experience of seeing this all before give me great hope & direction. Thank you all.

When your daughter comes home, ask her if she met anyone new while she was with her Mom....also tell her she needs to tell you even if Mommy told her not to because those kinds of secrets are "bad" secrets.

They were at the cinema, just the 2 of them. I spoke to my daughter on the phone and also verified it independently.

I have told my wife that our daughter is not to be anywhere near OM. She agrees, but that may change down the line, who knows? - I will take legal advice on that.

This is why it is so critical that your daughter be told all about the affair. She is a sitting duck for the waywards if she is ignorant about what has disrupt4ed her life in such a way. If you don't tell her the truth, your wife is free to tell her lies. And believe me, you will be painted as the DEMON by her. How will she know that the OM is the enemy of her family if you don't warn her?

Don't leave her vulnerable to the affairees. Tell her the full truth and give her moral guidance.

I will Melody. Its the hardest thing I will ever have done, but I know why it has to be done. God love her. No 4 year old should ever have to hear this.

I say what I say as the daughter of serial cheater who was introduced to my fathers OW at age 4. This was profoundly confusing to me. What seemed wrong to me obviously was not wrong to the adults in my life, so I learned to doubt my instincts about right and wrong. This truly affected me well into my 20's because my wayward father was FREE to teach me that wrong was right. It was so confusing.

My mother sat silently because she was enamored with being "non-judgmental." Her silence just led me to believe that she endorsed my fathers corruption. It was their job to give me moral guidance and I only received immoral guidance frm my father.

It is hard to tell a child, but it is harder not to tell them.

By the way, my corrupt father blamed the breakup of their marriage on my mother. Since she was silent I never knew any better until I grew up.

Its dreadfully difficult to do, but the alternative is worse.

I have done it and I know how tough it is to do.