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Hello, last year I ended up in a situation with a coworker. In my mind, I was justifying it as a friendship but over time he became more assertive in his feelings for me and we exchanged emails over several weeks. When he became more assertive, I didn't stop it - he was telling me he wished he met me before I got married, or that I was attractive and he missed his chance, etc. I was flattered and liked the attention and had lately felt like my husband wasn't giving me attention. But I knew if the tables were turned I'd be livid.

My husband saw the emails and I came to realize I had been having an "emotional affair" on one level. On another level, I never wanted a relationship with my coworker - I love my husband and kids more than anything. I am guilty of spending time emailing and talking to a male that isn't my husband (taking time away from my marriage) and also of not ending it when it became clear that he wanted more than friends (even though he always said he knew I was married and wouldn't go there, his actions seemed to suggest otherwise with the email frequency and intensity).

Anyway this was nearly a year ago - everything when the affair was discovered was a nightmare but over the last year things have been much better. We are rebuilding trust and things are mostly going great. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of the affair discovery and I am noticing old upset feelings from my husband coming back. Over the last several weeks he has been thinking about everything that happened and every few days he is upset. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know if I should talk about the past? I constantly ask him what is wrong and sometimes he says nothing, other times he says "all of the things that happened."

I feel like we are taking steps backwards when things have been so wonderful. The other thing is - I still work with this coworker but everything is ended (right after, my husband and I emailed him that it was all over), we rarely see one another at work and have limited interaction at meetings. I am (and have been) looking for a new job for the last 10 months.

Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with everything?

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
I feel like we are taking steps backwards when things have been so wonderful. The other thing is - I still work with this coworker but everything is ended (right after, my husband and I emailed him that it was all over), we rarely see one another at work and have limited interaction at meetings. I am (and have been) looking for a new job for the last 10 months.

Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with everything?

No, everything is not ended. This is like an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to be sober. Your marriage will never ever recover as long as you continue to see your boyfriend at work.

You haven't even taken step one of recovery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What would you think if a "recovering" alcoholic told you this?

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I feel like we are taking steps backwards when things have been so wonderful. The other thing is - I still go to the bar every day, but I rarely drink and have "limited" drinks at meetings. I am (and have been) looking for a new job for the last 10 months.

Would you trust the alcoholic? Do you believe the alcoholic could recover this way? Because this is exactly what you are doing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Is the OM married? If so, has his wife been informed of your affair?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I offered to leave my job immediately but my husband wants me to find another one first. I have applied to maybe 18+ jobs in the last 10 months.

I have rules now for interaction with my coworker - no meetings with him behind closed doors, only emails about work related items and no other contact.

I am hoping to come to this forum for some support or advice.

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No, he is not married.

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
I offered to leave my job immediately but my husband wants me to find another one first. I have applied to maybe 18+ jobs in the last 10 months.

You should leave the job regardless. It is wrecking your marriage.

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I have rules now for interaction with my coworker - no meetings with him behind closed doors, only emails about work related items and no other contact.

You are joking, right? Changing the name of your affair to "work related" does not change the nature of your relationship. And it completely misses the point that just seeing him triggers your feelings. Every day that you go there is another chance to resume your affair. Any contact is a resumption of the affair regardless of what you want to call it. Your relationship has already exceeded a "business relationship" so you can't go back.

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I am hoping to come to this forum for some support or advice.

I am hoping you take our advice and leave the job. That is the only way to recover your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
I have rules now for interaction with my coworker - no meetings with him behind closed doors, only emails about work related items and no other contact. .

I would also add that you had "rules" for interactions with other men when you took your marriage vows. Talk is cheap when it comes to affairs. The only thing that matters are ACTIONS. Vows of faithfulness are meaningless. If an alcoholic "swore" to you that he would stay sober on his way to the bar every day, would you take that vow seriously? Of course not.

The solution is to stay out of the bar. Your solution is to leave that job.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I don't have any feelings come up when I see my coworker - in fact, the site of him makes me feel sick. And every time I have an interaction with him, I put it into an email and send it to my husband every month. I see my coworker on average once per week (I work in a large company and we don't "bump" into one another). I also work from home now two days out of five to prevent seeing him.

Also, my husband doesn't seem to want me to leave work anymore because my job is very flexible and I can pick up our kids and work around their schedules (his job is too rigid). I still want a new job though because I agree that this is what I need to do and what will fully put this behind us (at least this is what I am hope).

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
I don't have any feelings come up when I see my coworker - in fact, the site of him makes me feel sick. And every time I have an interaction with him, I put it into an email and send it to my husband every month. I see my coworker on average once per week (I work in a large company and we don't "bump" into one another). I also work from home now two days out of five to prevent seeing him.

Also, my husband doesn't seem to want me to leave work anymore because my job is very flexible and I can pick up our kids and work around their schedules (his job is too rigid). I still want a new job though because I agree that this is what I need to do and what will fully put this behind us (at least this is what I am hope).

Your feelings can come back and more importantly, your husband is triggered every day you go to see your OM at work. Keeping the OM in your life makes recovery impossible.

Ending all contact for life is step one. You have to take that step before you can move forward.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
And every time I have an interaction with him, I put it into an email and send it to my husband every month.

Sending an email completely misses the point. If an alcoholic sends an email every time he takes a drink in the bar, does the email negate the drink? No, it doesn't. Does it mean he is sober? No. The problem is that there is ANY interaction.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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OK I definitely agree I need to leave my work. I think you are right that this is a trigger for him. I think it isn't always but when it is, it's bad and he's reminded of everything. Any other advice? Should I bring this up with him again and ask him to talk about it? And offer to leave my job ASAP again?

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
OK I definitely agree I need to leave my work. I think you are right that this is a trigger for him. I think it isn't always but when it is, it's bad and he's reminded of everything. Any other advice? Should I bring this up with him again and ask him to talk about it? And offer to leave my job ASAP again?

Quit your job. Tell your husband it is the only way to recover your marriage and you will be leaving. Once that happens, we can help you and your H create a great marriage. But you must first get the OM out of your lives. There is truly no other way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
OK I definitely agree I need to leave my work. I think you are right that this is a trigger for him. I think it isn't always but when it is, it's bad and he's reminded of everything. Any other advice? Should I bring this up with him again and ask him to talk about it? And offer to leave my job ASAP again?
While you're leaving your job will your husband come here?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Come to this forum? I am sure he could.

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Also, knowing my story...is this something that sounds like we can move forward from? I am very hopeful most of the time but with this one year anniversary and seeing how my H is acting, I feel like we're taking 50 steps back. We both want to make this work, I know I've shattered his trust in me.

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
Come to this forum? I am sure he could.
Yes and then we could help the both of you.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
Also, knowing my story...is this something that sounds like we can move forward from? I am very hopeful most of the time but with this one year anniversary and seeing how my H is acting, I feel like we're taking 50 steps back. We both want to make this work, I know I've shattered his trust in me.

You can absolutely come back from this with a great marriage!! You have always been 50 steps back because the conditions for recovery never existed. If you leave the job, you can leave this tragic memory behind you both by creating a great marriage that is affair free. You can't ever do that by working in the same place as the OM.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
OK I definitely agree I need to leave my work. I think you are right that this is a trigger for him. I think it isn't always but when it is, it's bad and he's reminded of everything. Any other advice? Should I bring this up with him again and ask him to talk about it? And offer to leave my job ASAP again?

We had a poster like yourself come here - she didn't work with the OM but they lived w/n the same area and her child played with another child in the same neighborhood as the OM's home. She and her BH came across the OM (in passing) a handful of times because of this close proximity over the course of the time she posted here.

Forum members kept telling her the same thing . Move and get away from the OM. She kept saying something similar to you....my H doesn't want to move, we are recovering and things are great....I have no feelings for the OM, etc.

Her BH ended up never getting over her A and divorcing her (at least that was what she told us when she left the forum). Had she listened to the advice and just moved, despite her protestations that it wasn't necessary to implement NC, I have no doubt they could have recovered.

Don't wait until it is too late and don't take any further risks with your M. You already threw a nuke on it with your A. NC is the only way....

Last edited by SusieQ; 08/31/15 12:02 PM.

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Originally Posted by Hristo2015
I don't have any feelings come up when I see my coworker - in fact, the site of him makes me feel sick.
You do have feelings if he makes you feel sick. You cannot recover with this constant reminder. And if it makes you feel sick, imagine what it does to your husband.

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