My husband and I have been having trouble for a number of years. I really do not even know how it started but it did. We got to a point where we hardly spoke and both were thinking of divorce. I never really thought it would happen and also thought I was the only one so unhappy - how self-centered!

He had a short emotional affair that has lead to much crying and open, difficult conversations.

I truly love my husband and want this to work. When we first talked after the affair, we did tell each other things that were missing in our relationship (I was not affectionate and he did not contribute to household bills or work, and the like). Both made an effort to work on those shortcomings. He certainly did succeed from my point of view and I hope I made noticeable and appreciated effort. My love bank started to fill back up.

He says he still loves me and is attracted to me but does not know if he wants to be married. Some times he feels I am the best thing in his life and then at others he wishes we never met me.

He is also going through a self admitted mid-life crisis. Which really complicates things. He battles depression and seems less interested in 'us' when he is down.

I have been making a great effort to show affection and doing little things for him and it seems to make him happier. The last few days he has kissed me, smiled more and touched me more than we had been.

I do not want to leave this to chance but do whatever I can to help us get back the magic we had (and it was magic!).

I really need advice in bringing up this program. How do I bring this up in a way that does not cause him to just say no and leave.
My heart is torn, I can't eat and I get butterflies every time I see him and I so stressed that I can not think straight and really need advice.

Thank you

Hi noone, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. When was the last time he saw or communicated in any way with the OW? Is the OW married, and if so has the affair been exposed to her husband? Has the affair been exposed at all?

It has been about 3 months since there has been any communication. I am sure they have passed on the road, we live in a small town. However, she will be gone soon if not already as our season is over and she does not live here. She is not married but knows he is. I know that 3 or 4 people are aware of the affair. More know we are struggling but not why. Not to say the affair is the main reason. I know I have much blame in allowing us to get here.

This is the main problem that is preventing recovery of your marriage. Unfortunately, every time he sees her puts him back to day 1 of recovery. He will be triggered each time.


How soon will she be gone? And do you have a plan in case she doesn't leave?


The blame for the affair is all your husbands. The reason he had the affair is because he has poor boundaries around women. If that is not addressed and corrected, he will have more affairs. Perhaps conditions in the marriage made it tempting, but there is no excuse for an affair.

The reason I asked who knew is because affairs thrive on secrecy. When they are kept secret, the fantasy thrives and grows. Exposure ruins that aspect of the affair. Dr. Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, recommends exposure. It not only ruins the fantasy and motivates the cheater to fix the marriage but the more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. Exposure is the absolute most impactful step towards recovery for these reasons.

It is a good idea to tell everyone. They can be a great support to your marriage and can help hold your husband accountable.

Please go over this checklist and tell us what has been completed..

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help. I was able to confirm with a 3rd party the OP has left the state. Here is where we are on the checklist...
Checklist for How Affairs Should End

___X__The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

__X___The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

__X (was verbal)___The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

__??___The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_x____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). Did not change cell phone as it is a business line but I delete her from his phone and do check his calls emails,and texts and have been since I discovered the texts message 3 months ago

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). [[color:#33FF33]color:#33FF33][color:#66FF99]He tells me if I ask but only sometimes tells me on this own.[/color] [/color][/color]
__X___Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). [color:#33FFFF]I get all bank statements and financial information, I pulled his credit report to see if he had other accounts or credit cards but found nothing. [/color]

__X___Spend leisure time together. Not as much as I would like but trying to not push due to his concurrent mid-life crisis

__In process___Change jobs and relocate if necessary. OP did and left, Hubby and I are working on getting the house ready to sell so we can move - I am applying for jobs in other states (not state where OP lives)but last night be started talking about moving regardless of job status.

__x___Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Your WH is not having a mid life crisis (and in fact, Dr Harley does not believe in such a thing). He was having an affair. His behavior and uncertainty about your marriage was standard affair behavior, not due to some 'mid life crisis.'

Based on the way your H is acting, I would bet money he has continued contact with her, just in a way that you are not monitoring. For instance, if it is a business phone, do you have access to deleted texts and calls, and or the phone bill to see what texts or calls have come in, or could he possibly just be deleting what he doesn't want you to see? He also could have a second burner phone, or a new email account that you are not aware of. I would advise you to up your snooping technique for awhile to rule out any continued contact. I would advise a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, to rule out phone conversations with a burner phone, and a key logger on his devices which would pick up any activity on any email/text/social website exchange. You would NOT want to tell him about this snooping.

Even if she has moved away, he could still continue talking to her, and he will continue to remain in 'the fog', you will fight the contrast affect, and your marriage will not recover.

This is all 'fog babble' that is due to the affair. He is confused and in depression, because he is in an affair. He is less interested in your marriage because he is in an affair.

Hello noone733, here is a link that is chalk-full of info about extraordinary precautions. This link is a thread and there are more great links in there, including some links to Dr. Harley speaking about EPs on the radio show: Extraordinary Precautions

You have put a voice to things I have not been able to admit, but...

I do have access to the business phone bills - it is his company (very small construction co). I am his accountant, I write his checks, balance the check books, write his email, contracts, etc. I also have a full time day job.

He is very technology and administratively ignorant. However, I suspect he does delete text messages. I have been checking the phone bills but she could have different numbers I am unaware of.

He does not have a phone that allows email access and does not use our computer. Nevertheless, I have been checking the browser history and nothing so far. I will add a key logger- just in case.

But, I think the VAR in his truck is a great idea and I will continue to find more ways to check on his activities. I will see if a key logger will work on his very old phone to see about text messages and if so, get that going as well.

Thanks for the straight talk- I need to hear it.

Thank you, that looks very helpful.

Just know that as long as she can reach him, the affair will remain at high risk. Your checking will not prevent that. He should change all of his contact #s.


He needs to account for his time. All of your leisure time should be spent together, and he should account for his work time.


"Mid life crisis" is a mythological construct used as an excuse by wayward spouses and a form of denial for betrayed spouse. The only one having a crisis here is you. You have been a victim of his affair and that is a crisis. He is not having a "crisis" at all, he was having an affair.



Very good!!

And it also sounds like the affair was not exposed. That is where I would begin. It is one of the most critical first steps in recovery.

You can also retrieve all of his deleted text messages with this software: http://www.wondershare.com/data-recovery-mac/mac-iphone-data-recovery.html

Do you have the password to his phone? I would get his phone, retrieve his deleted texts and install spyware.

GPS on a phone or other device is very helpful as well. My security level has recovered greatly from being able to see that my H is where he says he is. VAR can then be used to see who he is with. When you know everything and things are always as they should be, you will feel safer in the marriage.

Its like Reagan said, "Trust but verify."

Interestingly, a secular morning radio program was discussing phone access yesterday. They all agreed that you should be able to check your partners phone. They also agreed if the phone is never allowed out of sight or if looking at the phone causes defensiveness, you should suspect and investigate. It seems a large percentage of people feel this way, not just MB people.

WH told me last night he is still seeing OW and is in love with her, she makes him feel like the greatest guy in the world and is pulling him from me. He said is also in love with me and being in love with 2 women stinks.

Such a blow, I could not sleep last night and have an empty pain all over.

He did seem to be willing to give the Marriage Builders program a try -then seemed to change his mind. But did say will watch the videos on this site. I am going to show him the site today.

Do I expose now or is it really too late? I really need help surviving this. We have been together 19 years and I can not imagine life without him in it.

You need to expose today. This should have been done already.

Tell us who is on your exposure list.

Have you read the Exposure thread?

Is OW married or have a boyfriend?

No, no do not show him this site. You need to spend your time exposing this affair. You need to make sure and expose to OW's side.

I have just been sitting here thinking about the list. I will call my mom first, then my dad. I will contact my in-laws (who hate me) and his brothers, one of which lives local. I do not expect any support expect for my family.

Neither of us have a FB page or other social media, he is self employed. I will tell my friends at work but, I don't think I have anyone else to put on the list.