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gemm4 Offline OP
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Thank you very much for the replies.
OK. I will talk more with her. And then if I see nothing helps, I will expose the affair.

I have several questions about the exposure: I read that it is necessary to expose it to friends, family, workplace. About the exposure to the friends/colleagues of the other woman: since I do not know who exactly are her best friends/colleagues, who eventually can inflence her to stop the affair, I will write to every contact of hers, whom I find. This means all her friends on facebook. I also found the web page of the place she works, and there are email addresses there of her colleague (about 10 people), and two people who seem to be chief persons (she works at university). Do I need to write to each of these colleagues, or only at the cheaf people? MY intuition tells me to write to everyone. Maybe some of them are better friends to her than others, and it doesn't hurt if more people know. I could not find any information about her nuclear family - mother, father, etc.


About the exposure to the friends/colleagues of my father: should I write also to every frinds of his on facebook? There are people there, who are not our family friends, and I do not know them. Or should I write only to our close family and friends? And should I also write to all of his colleagues?

When I write to any of these people, should I just write them informatively, telling them about the affair and our pain, or should I also apart from this ask them to help if they can (by talking to him, etc.)?

Thank you!

Last edited by gemm4; 10/08/15 10:20 AM.
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Originally Posted by gemm4
Thank you very much for the replies.
OK. I will talk more with her. And then if I see nothing helps, I will expose the affair.

Good idea, but don't tell her your plan. It you do, she may enlist others to persuade you out of it. You don't need that pressure.

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I have several questions about the exposure: I read that it is necessary to expose it to friends, family, workplace. About the exposure to the friends/colleagues of the other woman: since I do not know who exactly are her best friends/colleagues, who eventually can inflence her to stop the affair, I will write to every contact of hers, whom I find. This means all her friends on facebook. I also found the web page of the place she works, and there are email addresses there of her colleague (about 10 people), and two people who seem to be chief persons (she works at university). Do I need to write to each of these colleagues, or only at the cheaf people? MY intuition tells me to write to everyone. Maybe some of them are better friends to her than others, and it doesn't hurt if more people know. I could not find any information about her nuclear family - mother, father, etc.

I would expose to them all and ask them to have her parents call you.


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About the exposure to the friends/colleagues of my father: should I write also to every frinds of his on facebook? There are people there, who are not our family friends, and I do not know them. Or should I write only to our close family and friends? And should I also write to all of his colleagues?

No. Write to close family and friends.

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When I write to any of these people, should I just write them informatively, telling them about the affair and our pain, or should I also apart from this ask them to help if they can (by talking to him, etc.)?

Thank you!

You do both. Please look at my template letters. You are giving them the facts about the affair, telling them about the devastation this has caused for your mother and you AND asking them to use their influence to persuade him to end his affair.

Send seomthing like this:

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Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the life of my father. It was recently discovered that my father is having an affair with SallySlut. This affair has been taking place for ____ years, ____ months. As some of you know, he has asked my mother for a divorce so he can pursue his affair. This has devastated our family and most especially my mother.

He refuses to end his affair. If you have any influence on my father, please do what you can to get him to stop this affair. My parents can fix their marriage, but the affair must end first.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with father to persuade him to end the affair. Their marriage can be salvaged if he would only he would end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support my mother.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, if you know of any close colleagues of your father's, expose to them too. Enlist them in helping your cause.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody...do you think it would be helpful to include a line such as...
My mother is devastated and wants to fix their marriage...

So that people will know that recovery is her mother's preference?

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gemm4 Offline OP
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Thank you, MelodyLine.
Only one thing to clarify: should really not write to any of my father's colleagues? You mentioned only to close family and friends. Because he has some colleagues, who are older and know our family well, and he has also new colleagues. Many of them already know her, because she has visited him many times to his work place. So I thought I should tell them as well.. I thought they should also know the truth from our side, even if they don't know us well. Especially some of his newer colleagues know only her, but not us. At the same time, it is harder for me to ask them to influence him somehow, because I am not so close with them. Maybe some of the older ones, whom I know, but we are not too close with them either. What do you think? Even if they don't influence him, I thought all his circle should know.. What do I risk if I do it? Is it because I should not deminish his name? In a way, I do the same when I write to every friend and colleague of this other woman ... Why should I not do the same for him? Just asking.

Also, my father has his normal working place in our country, but he also is having a project with another working group, which is in the city where this other woman works. So, the university in that town has two groups, and she is working in one, and he is working in another. The group where she works will be informed (I should do this, right?), but should I also inform the other group where my father works? If they know about this, they might not want to work with him anymore. At the same time I feel I want them to know. I don't know. Do I have the right to do this? Just for the same of exposing. Them of course I cannot ask to influence him, I barely know them.

Thank you!

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Also, if you know of any close colleagues of your father's, expose to them too. Enlist them in helping your cause.

You probably crossed posts.

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Originally Posted by DidntQuit
Melody...do you think it would be helpful to include a line such as...
My mother is devastated and wants to fix their marriage...

So that people will know that recovery is her mother's preference?

Absolutely!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by gemm4
Thank you, MelodyLine.
Only one thing to clarify: should really not write to any of my father's colleagues? You mentioned only to close family and friends. Because he has some colleagues, who are older and know our family well, and he has also new colleagues. Many of them already know her, because she has visited him many times to his work place. So I thought I should tell them as well.. I thought they should also know the truth from our side, even if they don't know us well. Especially some of his newer colleagues know only her, but not us. At the same time, it is harder for me to ask them to influence him somehow, because I am not so close with them. Maybe some of the older ones, whom I know, but we are not too close with them either. What do you think? Even if they don't influence him, I thought all his circle should know.. What do I risk if I do it? Is it because I should not deminish his name? In a way, I do the same when I write to every friend and colleague of this other woman ... Why should I not do the same for him? Just asking.


I very much agree with your reasoning. Go ahead and add them to the list.

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Also, my father has his normal working place in our country, but he also is having a project with another working group, which is in the city where this other woman works. So, the university in that town has two groups, and she is working in one, and he is working in another. The group where she works will be informed (I should do this, right?), but should I also inform the other group where my father works? If they know about this, they might not want to work with him anymore. At the same time I feel I want them to know. I don't know. Do I have the right to do this? Just for the same of exposing. Them of course I cannot ask to influence him, I barely know them.

Thank you!

You don't know who will or won't have an influence on him, so if they have a working relationship I would add them to the list. And YES, expose to all of the OW's colleagues in her working group.

As a rule, be somewhat strategic with exposure to your fathers circle and be nuclear with the OW. The reason is because you want to do everything to run her so you don't need to be as surgical as with your father. In her case, you are flying blind and have no idea who could or couldn't be influential. And you don't really know with your father either, but you have more information than with her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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gemm4 Offline OP
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Hello,
I have started this post in October 2015 about the affair of my father. Here is update of what happened.

My mother was not OK with exposing the affair. So, I exposed it to our friends and relatives. I collected a small list of friends of the OW from facebook (among which I think her mother) and I wrote to them too. The result was that everyone was very angry with me. I wrote in a nice way, without offences. Just saying the situation through our eyes, and how much pain it brings us. I don't know if this had any effect, or at least not now. My parents filed for divorce in November 2016, by wish of my father. Their divorce date is 8 February. The only thing which I still would like to do is talk to him before that. Because since October I could not. The OW was with him, and she doesn't feel well when I see my father (apparantly afraid that I can convince him not to divorce). In the week before the divorce she will not be there, so I will go to talk to him.

We have good relationship with my father in general. I know he loves me a lot, and I love him. I feel that one part of him is confused. He even told my mother recently that he misses her calmness and softness of character. He told her that they already have small problems with the OW. But at the same time he is firm that he wants to divorce. Maybe he is still in love with her. MAybe it is his dignity and ego not to stop the divorce after he initiated it. I don't know.

Do you think I can tell him something which can make him change his mind? How can I touch him so that he remembers who he was? Just to remind you that he is married for my mother for more than 30 years and he never cheated before. He has always been a good father and husband, I mean he loves family in general. My mother still do not want to divorce, but she thinks that he is a separate person and he can do whatever he wants in his life. He lets him go, when he so much wishes this.

I will be happy if you could give your opinion if anything else could be done. If I can tell him something, which can influence him just before the divorce... Thank you.


Last edited by gemm4; 02/01/16 05:26 PM.
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Originally Posted by gemm4
I will be happy if you could give your opinion if anything else could be done. If I can tell him something, which can influence him just before the divorce... Thank you.

The best thing that you can do for your father and mother is let your father know how deeply disappointed you are that he has wrecked his life with his adultery. Tell him you will never associate with his OW. That will put pressure on his affair. His affair will be the biggest mistake of his life and will likely not last long. Affairs have a 95% failure rate and they are characterized with fighting. The reason is because the traits that made them possible, deceit, thoughtlessness and selfishness eventually poison the affair and the fights begin.

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My mother still do not want to divorce, but she thinks that he is a separate person and he can do whatever he wants in his life. He lets him go, when he so much wishes this.

Yes, he is a separate person and I am sure she knew this before his affair. If she cares about him, though, she will not want him to wreck his life, his marriage and his family over a fleeting affair. Hopefully she wants better for him and for herself. Being an enabler is not a demonstration of care and love.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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gemm4 Offline OP
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Thank you, MelodyLane.

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