My husband of 26 years went into a long downward spiral after retiring from the military. I'm posting here, wondering if others have had similar problems and if there's any wisdom to be gleaned from the experience of others. Retiring right before a recession turned out not to be such a great idea. If only I'd had a crystal ball back then!

After about 8 years of extreme job dissatisfaction in retirement, he was basically hopeless and had a very negative view of his life. I don't think it helped that us being stable geographically boosted my career. I was on my way up, and he couldn't seem to find his footing in the civilian world. I was as supportive as I could be for quite a few years, but eventually kind of stepped back emotionally because the roller coaster of each new job possibility was too much for me. The highs were too high, way before there was anything concrete to be high about, and the lows were too low when things didn't work out. He got angrier and more distant with each new disappointment. I grew more and more shut down by his anger and distance. Even so, I never saw what was coming.

We dropped our youngest off at college in January and half an hour into the five hour drive home, my husband said he wanted a divorce. No warning aside from a month earlier telling me he was afraid that would happen to us. At that time, I wrapped my arms around him and poured on the love. I thought we had reconnected, but then he pulled the rug out. He moved out that night and went to a family member's house.

About three weeks later, he came home and has been home ever since. I observed some Facebook activity while he was away that made me suspect infidelity. A new "friend" with a suspiciously sparse Facebook history that looked like a dummy page. Him "liking" a bunch of her photos. When he came home, I asked if he had been unfaithful, and he said no. He just met her for coffee after finding her on an online dating app, and then felt guilty and realized that he could never recreate what we had, our long and wonderful history, with someone new.

A few months (and much counseling) later, Ashley Madison happened, and there was his email address. I don't know why, other than the horrific "Life is short, have an affair" tag line, I just knew. I confronted him, and sure enough, found out that he had been unfaithful. Just once, he says. A one night stand that left him feeling empty.

I have no doubt that he's been faithful up to that point. I'm so hurt and still in such shock months later that I don't know if I have the whole truth yet, though. He swears I do. Swears that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Swears that this was a terrible mistake, that he was angry at life and basically self-destructed. I'm trying to wrap my mind around how to trust this man I've loved for most of my life. We met when I was 16, almost 30 years ago. He's doing everything right since he came home, and especially since I confronted him about the infidelity.

Our kids are in college -- they and all of our close friends and family were as shocked and dumbfounded as I was. No one, not one person, said that they saw a problem coming. He hid it all. He was always this dependable, upstanding guy that everyone looked up to and relied on. I knew he was unhappy about work, but didn't know that he was unhappy in our marriage.

Everyone in our lives know about the brief separation. I haven't shared the infidelity with anyone except my counselor. (Thank God for her!) Keeping the secret makes it harder, but I feel I have to protect him. In the past, he was strong for me when I went through some abuse recovery stuff with my parents (awful childhood). I feel like his time in retirement was also traumatic, in its own way. He still seems vulnerable to me. He doesn't have friends the way I do. He's friendly, but doesn't have deep friendships. I always kind of thought that men and women were just different that way -- many of my friends think the same about their husbands.

I see what he did as self-destruction. He's not a womanizer. He's not a lifelong cheater. He's always been home with me every night, with the exception of three deployments during his 20 years of service. And even then, he was in touch with me as much as he possibly could be. I never worried. This is all so very much out of character for him.

We did couples counseling for several months, but that was before Ashley Madison. It helped a little, but I felt like I was getting more out of my individual counseling. He went to individual counseling, too, but I always felt that he wasn't getting anything out of it.

I am holding on, but the hurt and betrayal are very hard to bear. I have a strong faith, and prayer has helped me. I have a great counselor, and she has helped me. It's still very painful. It's been nine months since the separation, and about three months since I've known about the infidelity. I don't sleep. I have anxiety, even several panic attacks. Some days I feel like we'll be ok. Other days, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at him without thinking of him being with this other woman.

I don't know what to do next. I don't know how much time it will take. I am afraid that the hurt will always be this bad, that I'll always feel a little worse off, a little less than before, a little compromised in my own integrity for accepting him back. I thought I would be angrier if something like this happened, but I haven't been, at least not yet. I don't feel like he did this to me, if that makes sense. He self destructed, and so I feel more sorry for him, but also less respect for him. This makes me so sad.

Words of wisdom welcome. Thanks for listening.

The desire for admiration is one of my top five emotional needs. I'm sure this stems from my extremely abusive and critical upbringing. I've dealt with that as best as I can, but I still feel a need for admiration. When someone gives me a thank you card at work, I save it forever. I have a drawer full of them. I can live on a compliment, without food, water, or oxygen, for about six weeks.

I tell my husband that I need this admiration, and he seems to try to give this to me, but pretty much only when I ask for it. It feels ... not genuine, like I might as well tell myself these words of admiration because he's only saying it because I've asked. I mean, I think he does feel admiration for me, but there's something in him that keeps him from saying it. If he had to answer a survey, I'm sure he'd come as as being an admirer. But does he spontaneously feel admiration for me, on his own? Not often, I think. I think, at least at times, that he is kind of self-absorbed and might not really see me, which would be an important first step in admiring me.

Words of advice welcome.

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for your pain and what has brought you here.

Please read this.

Start Here-SAA

Please read the Exposure thread from the thread I posted to you.

Thanks. I did read that, but wasn't sure if that was the recommendation even if the affair is definitely over. I have to think about it.

Thank you for the welcome message and advice.

Hi holdingon, welcome to Marriage Builders. Did you have a question for us?

Thanks, MelodyLane. I am uncertain about exposure, given that the infidelity is over, 100% over. I understand it when it's still going on, but I'm not sure if that's recommended and why if it's already over.

Exposure is important even when the affair is over because keeping it secret keeps the fantasy alive. Telling others helps the affairee see himself in a clear light and motivates him not to do it again. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. It is the most potent and important first step towards recovery.

Thanks, I'll talk it over with my counselor. Thanks for all of your work in this forum. It's a real gift to be able to come here to share and learn.

The advice comes from Dr. Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist who has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for 40 years. He says "In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. "



From Surviving an Affair, by Dr Bill Harley pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

My husband has a strong need for admiration too. I'm English and we don't easily 'do' admiration in the traditional sense. So I give it too him in other ways; I make a special lunch for him to take to the office each day and I walk him to work so that he can see how much I appreciate his financial support.

Can you think of non verbal ways in which he can show you admiration?

Every time I read something like this I want to pull my hair out.
Why come to MB if your not going to take advice? As much as I hated to expose I did it anyway, Dr. Harley has experience so I trusted that. And I believe it's biblical grounding.

Holding On, your husband is having an affair which makes him less willing to meet your needs.

Please stick to a single thread. You will get better advice that way.

So true. If your husband is having an affair, his OW is going to get her needs met first and you are going to get the crumbs or maybe nothing at all. Being uninterested to meet your spouse's needs is a classic sign of an affair.

It is likely he slept with at least that one woman when he moved out. Wayward spouses move out so they can have sex whenever they want. He has not been completely honest with you yet because you haven't established transparency. If he was transparent, you would have already known about Ashley Madison.

Merged all threads. A reminder to original poster to please post to one thread, so posters will have all the information in one thread.