Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2867506 10/09/15 05:16 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 28
J
JAERN13 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 28
DDay anniversary is right around the corner. I have been on edge. Then today I got a call that my oldest son was on his way into surgery, in another state. I tell my H what was going on, and he seemed not to hear what I am saying. Because he is pawing and groaping me. I just got up and took a shower. He has no idea what is wrong with me. Basically he goes with me to my eye appointment and the whole time, like a petulant child, demanding my attention. Meanwhile I am texting with my mother to find out if she would be able to get to the hospital he is at. He has some learning and comprehension issues. He won't understand totally what is going on.

This whole thing is a huge trigger! I said some not nice things, brought up OW#2 and how he used his fathers FAKE surgery to stop and see her on the way to his parents house last year. I said I guess if there was someone you wanted to see on the way you would have suggested we leave imeaditly... Yes I know what I did.. Disrespectful judgement, I was angry, but I didn't yell, i was out of line. I am now angry with myself and with him.


Now we are on the way to the hospital, not his idea. Our son is 25, not independent. Homeless most of the time, is bipolar. My husband doesn't like him very much. He won't take care of himself and has been a huge disappointment to him and the family. But he is our son and is hurting, I will be there for him. Then return home.

We still have 2 hours left in the car.. No sure what to do


JAERN13 #2867507 10/09/15 06:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Are you flowing the MB recovery program?

Have you got all your questions answered?

Has your WH given you just compensation?

How much UA time are you getting each week?

Sorry about your son.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2015
Posts: 28
J
JAERN13 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Are you flowing the MB recovery program?

Have you got all your questions answered?

Has your WH given you just compensation?

How much UA time are you getting each week?

Sorry about your son.

Yes
Yes
Yes
20+ hours a week

We struggle with independent behavior (him) and we are new to the POJA, okay he is. We both read HWSW. We started the work book 2 weeks ago. I have read LB. it has been a few months since I have had any AO or DJ. I was doing really well. Since we finished surviving an affair, and I got all my questions answered, it was no longer a topic of conversation.
His selfish behavior, lack of concern for our son. Set it all into motion... The fact he lied about a surgery to see the OW. But would be motivated when his so was actually in surgery. I lost it. I was wrong, and I know it.

JAERN13 #2867579 10/11/15 06:08 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
JAERN13, I hope that your son's surgery went well.

When we have triggers, we need to ask our spouse for help. The goal is to eliminate all triggers, but I do understand this was regarding your son's surgery.

It is frustrating to ask for help and then not get what we need, but it doesn't last forever. As time goes by, we learn to be more succinct in asking for specifically what we need. (edited to ad:) And we need to ask without bringing up the past.

What exactly do you need from your husband regarding your son's health? Is there something specific that he could do so as to ease your triggers?

Last edited by BlindSighted2013; 10/11/15 06:09 PM. Reason: clarification

DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I have read LB.
Read it again.

Quote
His selfish behavior, lack of concern for our son. Set it all into motion... The fact he lied about a surgery to see the OW. But would be motivated when his so was actually in surgery. I lost it. I was wrong, and I know it.
Correction: You CHOSE to pick up the weapons of disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts. You also chose to bring up the affair again. He did not set it in motion, it was your choice. Do not blame your husband for your lovebusters. You, and you alone, are responsible.

When you are triggered, you have a choice: dwell on the past and lovebust your spouse, or move on and continue to build your marriage. You chose to dwell on the past and to lovebust. Your marriage will never recover as long as you continue to make such choices.



Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2870643 11/21/15 08:39 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 28
J
JAERN13 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 28
I accept full responsibility for my behavior. I am reading LB again.

What should I have done? obviously I shouldn't have behaved that way. Should I have just gone by myself? I feel the only reason he went or even felt motivated to go was my behavior.



JAERN13 #2870673 11/22/15 06:27 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Originally Posted by JAERN13
I feel the only reason he went or even felt motivated to go was my behavior.

That's another DJ. You don't know his motivation.


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
You should ask for what you want, not expect him to guess. Stop mind reading and expecting him to mind read.

"Our son is in the hospital, needing surgery. I'm worried and I like to go visit asap. What would you like to do?" and stop talking

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Have you been discussing the affair with your friends? Are you taking ADs?

Actually, POJA says do nothing until you have enthusiastic agreement. That doesn't mean you are ALWAYS excited to be doing that activity, just you are enthusiastic about some outcome. The Harley's have cited yard work as such an issue.

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
It also usually helps me to keep it short. "This __ is bothering me. What Can we do about it?"


Joined: May 2015
Posts: 28
J
JAERN13 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 28
I am not taking antidepressants I do not discuss the A. Thank you apples I appreciate your advice


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5