Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Originally Posted by apples123
She needs to show action before you do anything. So far, she has sent a letter, expecting you to figure out her problems. If she wants to be part of her son's life, she needs to come up with a plan, starting with sobriety.

If she persists, then you could respond.

That's pretty much my personal beliefs and mantra too.

As an example, She gets the exact same e-mails from my Sons school about upcoming extracurricular activities that she could, At Minimum, inquire about, such as his Orchestra Concerts and Choir Concerts.

Words mean Very Little to me. It's the actual Actions that count. But, since I am in the middle of the situation and potentially emotionally biased, I wanted to reach out for unbiased feedback to make sure I'm putting my Son's Best Interests at the forefront.

Thank You.

LTL

Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Plus, quite a while ago, without her asking about any visitations, I provided 2 optional ways for her to start and build up a visitation regime with Our Son.

One, was to submit to a program of recovery for her alcoholism with the allowance of me being able to openly speak to whomever she was dealing with, so that I could be made aware of any progress or even negative aspects of her potential recovery with a gradually increasing visitation schedule based on her recovery progress.

The other, if she chose not to accept the fact that she has an alcohol problem, was to schedule a monitored facility that she would have to pay the fees for, to conduct visitation under a supervised setting.

Since that was included in one of my distant past lengthy e-mails to her, I am unsure if she ever even read it, as she never referred to the conditional terms I required.

But, if she didn't read it, or forgot about it, that's on her, not me, and that was about 2 years ago that I provided her that as several options.

Thank you.

LTL

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
I agree, the letter indicates she wants you to propose something and do the work. While i am an advocate for both parents being involved with children, it is action which is meaningful, not words.

If she means what she says, there are so many avenues for her to initiate progress. So far she has done zero.

I wouldnt respond if you are in Plan B.

Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Originally Posted by NebDane
I agree, the letter indicates she wants you to propose something and do the work. While i am an advocate for both parents being involved with children, it is action which is meaningful, not words.

If she means what she says, there are so many avenues for her to initiate progress. So far she has done zero.

I wouldnt respond if you are in Plan B.

Thanks to you too for chiming in.

I tried SO HARD for a long time to promote visitations and arrange it so it would be even more convenient for her, with the only stipulation being that my Son was Not to have Any contact at all with her current affair partner, which she did not adhere to on the previous 2 occasions anyways.

Then, when I was actively attempting to facilitate more visits and optioned multiple days for him to be made available to her, she basically ripped my head off, accusing Me of trying to make her look like a Bad Mother. Each time, she refuted the visitations, stating that she had too many anxieties in her life to deal with our son.

Then, the Final time she did see him was in February of 2013, and 12 minutes after she had picked him up and took him to a Denny's Restaurant, she called me up saying that she just could not deal with our son right then, because, once again, she was having too many anxieties.

So I instantly met her at a midpoint and I will Never forget the look of schock and bewilderment on my Son's face. He was just in awe of how that visitation episode went. I could see and feel the emotional pain that he was going through.

I will NEVER subject him to that kind of emotional abuse, Ever Again!!!

That was just the epitome of how pathetic of a Mother she had not become, ever since she started drinking and having her multiple serial affairs.

Those are My Feelings. But I needed and wanted to get other opinions besides my own. So, thank you very much.

LTL

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A friend once told me this-you cannot care about someones problems more than they do.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
A very strange trait of alcoholics is that they believe that talking about solving a problem is the same as solving a problem. They don't make a differentiation between talk and action. I am sure she feels horrible guilt about abandoning her child and writing out these dramatic, self-pitying letters makes her feel much better because she "feels" like she has actually done something. Please note that her letter is all about herself.

If I were you, I would not respond at all. Dont' invite her chaos back into his little life, especially at this very vulnerable age.

Are you divorced?

My own father abandoned me when I was 4 and he floated in and out of my life. He would go years with no contact. He showed up when I was 13. I was in a state of rebellion and I ran away to live with him. I became part of his life of corruption. He took me to bars, bookie houses, race tracks, you name it. As a 13 yr old, that lifestyle really appealed to me.

The reason I bring this up is because your son is a teenager who might be susceptible to that wild lifestyle if exposed to it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by apples123
A friend once told me this-you cannot care about someones problems more than they do.

So very true! And we see that principle demonstrated here every day.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
No Melody, there is no Divorce action in place.

As a reminder, she does have Family Insurance Coverage from the school district where she is a School Bus Driver.

I needed this insurance to have Both of my knees replaced with new titanium implants this past summer, which also wound up requiring 3 additional full tear out infection removal debridement surgeries over the following month. Now, those 5 total surgeries really took their toll on my physical therapy rehabilitation progress, because they had to surgically be extremely invasive in removing the necessary internal muscles, tendons, ligaments and bones affected. Ths physical therapy is $1,500.00 per week alone, and I am initially prescibed to continue for 30 weeks.

The total billing without insurance is over $150,000.00 just for the 5 knee surgeries, and I still may need a knee modification surgery, yet to be determined, due to the left knee possibly having some additional problems.

The good news about that though, is that I can walk, albeit slowly, for medium distances now without debilitating and excruciating pain for the first time in the past 10 years, as each of the previous years regressed further and further into bone digging through the other bone. Ouch!!!

I also need ear surgery coming up in the near future because my right ear has gone down to only 20% hearing in the Fall of 2012. Plus, I have a stomach lining hernia that is bothersome, but not too painful, yet needs to be medically attended to shortly as well.

She needs to Actionably demonstrate some realistic progress as long as I continue to maintain the status quo, before I choose to reply or decide to once again, in determine if her influence in our Son's life would at minimum be a neutral effect with a future hope for establishing some form of a positive influence in his life. I will NOT Allow the emotional abandonment abuse to Ever occur again.

Yes, I think she is ridden with guilt. There may even finally be some self-doubt about her chosen life path being reflected on. But, those are just once again, words and thoughts. There is No Actions she has taken. You are probably right, that these occasional letters makes her "Feel" like she is actually taking some sort of action and doing something about the situation.

I am Not going to be her personal planner or personal shovel to be utilized just to dig her out of her self inflicted hole in her life that she created.

I have already tortured myself for years, attempting to Care For Her more than she realistically has done for herself. To that, I say that I wipe my hands clean with a guilt free conscience. I've done everything and More than should ever be expected of someone. I will not do it again.

I definitely miss the envisionment of who I once thought her to be, but this foreign alien has zero hold on enmeshing me once again.

LTL

Last edited by LearnedTooLate; 11/23/15 05:29 PM.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
And I also emphatically agree with BR about filing for divorce and getting sole custody of your son, naming a legal guardian. Our friend and MB board member, Justpeachy, died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 42 last year. Her son went to her criminal ex-ws! She would have been outraged!

I will discuss that with my attorney next week or the week after when I have my next appointment with him.

That scenario seems so scary to even consider.

LTL

We never heard any kind of update on this and I don't see any posting about any divorce. Whatever happened?



Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Originally Posted by SusieQ
We never heard any kind of update on this and I don't see any posting about any divorce. Whatever happened?

I addressed the lack of a divorce action in the first line of the immediate previous post with further details in the following paragraphs.

I did speak with my attorney.

Basically, even if I took her to court to prove that she was an unfit Mother, that would not be enough to Terminate Her Parental Rights. That extreme measure is only enacted by State Statute in the even of a divorced family, where the Sole Primary Custodial Parent is now remarried and their new spouse wishes to legally adopt the child.

I asked what would happen under the, then current circumstances if I were to pass away suddenly, either with or without a divorce.

The answer was the same. Regardless, she still is his next closest blood relative and would be eligible to take over custody, no matter what wishes I desired or put forth in my Will.

LTL

Page 8 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5