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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Sugarcane is exactly right. I will add this important lesson: do not try to reason with a falling down drunk. WE don't care if he understands, we don't care how "upset" he is. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THAT HE FOLLOWS YOUR CONDITIONS OR HE HAS TO MOVE OUT. The only concern here is your agenda, NOT HIS.

And you very much should separate from him NOW unless he agrees to a) work on repairing on the marriage and b) agrees to affair proof your marriage. There is no way in hell you should hang around "for the holidays" while he is planning to divorce you and take his affair deeper underground. Doing so will wreck your health and make it less likely your marriage will be saved. Hanging around makes you LESS attractive and hurts the future of your marriage.

Send him a letter back and tell him this:

Dear John, thank you for your letter. As you can imagine I was devastated to discover that you were still in touch with your affair partner, Sallyslut. This has been the most painful thing I have endured in my life.

Unless you are willing to meet certain conditions to protect me from your affair and commit 100% to repairing our marriage, I would ask that we separate now. I can't spend the holidays with you under any other conditions because it is too painful. I would ask that you move out now. The only way I would be willing to stay together is if you go through a marriage recovery plan with me and meet every condition on this checklist.


Quote
Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Ok I will send him a letter back that says these things.


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Originally Posted by bellachaos
Originally Posted by markos
There is somebody else that you have not told, that he is very scared you are going to tell.

Think hard and figure out who those people are and TELL THEM.

You are in the process of ruining the affair - his addiction.
Thank you. I will go through our contacts again and see if I left anyone out. We really don't have that much family. I will do that right now.

He is running scared. He is worried sick that you are going to tell somebody else...

Tell the world. Take out a billboard. Get it to all of his facebook contacts, all of OW's facebook contacts. Everybody at their work especially management and HR (if this is a workplace affair). Everybody in their families. If there's somebody in their families you haven't found yet, find them. Everybody in their church(es), if any. Your children, if any.

Get the word out - spread the great news about the relationship he loves so much. Everybody should know!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by bellachaos
Originally Posted by markos
By the time you are finished, it will be him who is scared of a divorce.
I hope so.

Markos is exactly right. Right now he thinks he can keep you on the sidelines as an "option" while he stays home for the holidays and pursues his affair while dangling the divorce card over your head to keep you quiet. I assure you his affair is not over.. Going along with his plan makes you the LESS ATTRACTIVE option while wrecking your health.

The plan we are proposing makes you more attractive while protecting your health. It also will go a long way in destroying his fantasy if he has to move out to pursue an affair that makes no sense. The OW is not going to leave her husband for some creepy married man. He will be spending his Christmas all alone as a single man. That will be a huge wake up call for him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by bellachaos
I took away his opportunity to reach out to his support system.

CRY ME A RIVER!

Be sure to reach the rest of his support system.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Bella, we are trying very hard to help you save your marriage, so it is real important that you respond to the suggestions so we know what you are thinking. Are you reading the posts? Do you have questions or concerns? I can imagine you are scared to death right now and it is very important that you post to us so we can guide you out of the fog.
I am very grateful for everyone's advice it really is helping me immensely!

I am very scared about everything! I am scared he will get mad and cut me (us) off financially. I am scared that if we do get to recovery that I won't be able to actually recover and this will be all for nothing. This just all is a lot to take on!


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Originally Posted by bellachaos
Ok I will send him a letter back that says these things.

Good girl!! hurray

And if he responds back that he won't comply, blah, blah, blah, then pack his bags and have them ready when he gets home. Let him see that you are absolutely serious.

I would also tell your 4 yr old about his affair today. He/she knows something is very wrong and needs to know the facts. If your husband is willing to wreck the family over his sleazy affair, the child should be informed.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by bellachaos
Originally Posted by markos
There is somebody else that you have not told, that he is very scared you are going to tell.

Think hard and figure out who those people are and TELL THEM.

You are in the process of ruining the affair - his addiction.
Thank you. I will go through our contacts again and see if I left anyone out. We really don't have that much family. I will do that right now.

He is running scared. He is worried sick that you are going to tell somebody else...

Tell the world. Take out a billboard. Get it to all of his facebook contacts, all of OW's facebook contacts. Everybody at their work especially management and HR (if this is a workplace affair). Everybody in their families. If there's somebody in their families you haven't found yet, find them. Everybody in their church(es), if any. Your children, if any.

Get the word out - spread the great news about the relationship he loves so much. Everybody should know!
I will go through WH facebook contacts. OW took down her FB.

The affair did start when they were working together. Though she has left the company and works elsewhere. They both claim that since the PA didn't start till she left 'nothing' happened while she was working there. ::insert eyeroll::


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by bellachaos
Ok I will send him a letter back that says these things.



I would also tell your 4 yr old about his affair today. He/she knows something is very wrong and needs to know the facts. If your husband is willing to wreck the family over his sleazy affair, the child should be informed.
This scares me so much!


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Originally Posted by bellachaos
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by bellachaos
Ok I will send him a letter back that says these things.



I would also tell your 4 yr old about his affair today. He/she knows something is very wrong and needs to know the facts. If your husband is willing to wreck the family over his sleazy affair, the child should be informed.
This scares me so much!

This is it. This is the number one person you tell.

"Daddy has a girlfriend besides Mommy. This hurts Mommy very much and is making her sick. When you get married you promise not to have any other boyfriends or girlfriends. Daddy is not keeping his promise to Mommy and it is hurting her terribly. The girlfriend is ---. Here is her picture."

That's all there is to it.

I walked in on my own mother's affair. I promise you that knowing about the affair will not hurt your child. I live an extremely happy and well adjusted life today with a wonderful marriage and lots of happy and well adjusted children. What will hurt your child is not knowing the truth.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by bellachaos
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Bella, we are trying very hard to help you save your marriage, so it is real important that you respond to the suggestions so we know what you are thinking. Are you reading the posts? Do you have questions or concerns? I can imagine you are scared to death right now and it is very important that you post to us so we can guide you out of the fog.
I am very grateful for everyone's advice it really is helping me immensely!

I am very scared about everything! I am scared he will get mad and cut me (us) off financially.

We will help you learn how to get the courts to force him to continue to support you.

Quote
I am scared that if we do get to recovery that I won't be able to actually recover and this will be all for nothing. This just all is a lot to take on!

We will help you learn what he has to do in order for you to be able to recover.

For now, go tell your child about your husband's affair.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by bellachaos
[

I am very scared about everything! I am scared he will get mad and cut me (us) off financially. I am scared that if we do get to recovery that I won't be able to actually recover and this will be all for nothing. This just all is a lot to take on!

Believe me, if he cut you off a judge would tear him up. You need to set aside some money just in case. You can tell him very calmly that oyu expect him to continue to support his family while you are separated. Once you get him out, you might want to hire an attorney to make sure he continues to support you. But a husband cannot just stop supporting his family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by bellachaos
[

I am very scared about everything! I am scared he will get mad and cut me (us) off financially. I am scared that if we do get to recovery that I won't be able to actually recover and this will be all for nothing. This just all is a lot to take on!

Believe me, if he cut you off a judge would tear him up. You need to set aside some money just in case. You can tell him very calmly that oyu expect him to continue to support his family while you are separated. Once you get him out, you might want to hire an attorney to make sure he continues to support you. But a husband cannot just stop supporting his family.

Ok thanks.


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So to wrap my head around everything:

Step 1: Tell DD.
Step 2: Write him a letter ala what MelodyLane had written. Give it to him today?


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Originally Posted by bellachaos
So to wrap my head around everything:

Step 1: Tell DD.
Step 2: Write him a letter ala what MelodyLane had written. Give it to him today?

Yes.

Then keep exposing.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by bellachaos
So to wrap my head around everything:

Step 1: Tell DD.
Step 2: Write him a letter ala what MelodyLane had written. Give it to him today?

You got it!! And don't get into any debates with him. Just tell him how it is. You need to understand that you are dealing with an irrational, fogged out, addict. He is the equivalent of a falling down drunk. Don't debate, don't try to reason with him, just be a broken record and tell him he needs to move out unless he can agree to your conditions TODAY. [none of this "I will need to think about it"]

I would email him your letter right away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by bellachaos
3."I know that it�s backwards and twisted and it doesn�t make sense, but [exposure] put a nail in my relationship with her, likely forever.

WOOHOO!!!!!

Quote
I know you�re fighting for us, and our marriage, and our kids. I know that. But, part of me will always be upset about this. "

He should be a lot more worried about whether or not YOU will always be upset.

But don't discuss it with him. Tell your child, and give him that letter MelodyLane suggested and let him start realizing how life is going to be when he has to actually straighten up if he wants a chance of keeping you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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What is "technical accountability"??


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Any use of technology to hold you accountable. Not being upset if you discover your spouse has slipped a GPS tracker on your car or spy software on your phone is an example.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by bellachaos
What is "technical accountability"??

That means he must give you open and free access to all of his phones, voicemails, email accounts. He should first off change any contact avenues the OW had and then give you passwords for his phone, email, etc. The OW should not be able to contact him.

How close does the OW live to you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by bellachaos
What is "technical accountability"??

That means he must give you open and free access to all of his phones, voicemails, email accounts. He should first off change any contact avenues the OW had and then give you passwords for his phone, email, etc. The OW should not be able to contact him.

How close does the OW live to you?

Ok thanks for the clarification.

She lives maybe 15 minutes away.


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