Hi all. I am sad that I have to be here but it is what it is. I have read a lot on here and ready to start the exposure.

Here's a bit of background on my situation.
*married 8 years
*have two kids 4 yo and 1.5 yo
*on 9/18ish WH says he's unhappy with life and want to go to therapy, I am very supportive of this.
*9/30 he mentions out of the blue that he is unhappy with our marriage, I immediately get defensive and am not happy or in agreement.
*11/8 (after no change on his part in my opinion) he says he wants to separate to figure things out. I am not happy.
*during this week I start to really think about our marriage and realize that I agree 100% with what he has mentioned so far. I let him know I will fight for our marriage and we can make it right. He seems to agree and we start reading a few things about marriage together. I have some hope.(I asked him a couple of times if he cheated, since I feel like it was out of the blue, he says no)
*11/16 He confesses the affair with me. He also says he doesn't think he can be happy with me. He's felt something with her he never felt with me. He tells me that he called it off with her the day before.
*OW was a former coworker. I believe the EA was while they were working together, she left the beginning of October and that is when the PA started.
*I think he thinks that the affair was just the physical part not the emotional part before hand.
*He can't really say how long it has been going on. "just a couple of months"
*I decided to visit a friend 19 hours away for the Thanksgiving week.
*I've looked through phone records he is still having the affair even though he told me twice that contact hasn't been made by either of them.

So, I've done some digging and found both OW and OW BH on FB. And I have gathered a list of contacts.

Tomorrow I start the two day drive back home. So I won't have time to actually do any exposing. I have a plan to do that Monday.
I do feel as though he is addicted to this thing he has going on and I know he is not himself, not the man that I love anyway but I am still scared to actually go through with it!

Help! Thoughts! Advice!

Sorry you are here but welcome. Have you read the exposure 101 thread? Can you give us your list of exposure targets?

Great job w finding OW and her BH on FB.

Thank you.
Yes I have read it twice and I'm pretty sure I am on information overload!

My family, WH family, OW, OW BH. <-Neither of the friends list are available but I did find a list of friends that have 'liked' some of their things. I am pretty sure I know her maiden name and I know where she's from.

Is there anyway you could get the exposure done tonight before you make the trip home?

Yes, it could be possible.

What would be the reasoning?

I was thinking the same thing. Exposures are much more effective when done on the weekends because people are home then. They are much more impactful because folks have time to respond. Are you using the template letters in my epxosure thread? It is real important to ask people to use their influence to persuade the cheaters to end the affair.

MelodyLane, yes I understand the reasoning. I was wanting to go to bed early tonight but I could do it tomorrow. Yes, I had planned to use the templates on the exposure 101 thread. Was there a template for what to say to the OW BH?

I think it would be a great idea to do it tomorrow when you are hours away from your husband.

There is no template for the OW's BH, but you would want to call him and give him the facts of the affair and ask him to be your ally in killing the affair. Give him your H's cell # and give him all your contact information. He will be in shock when you tell him and will have follow up questions.

Thank you. So, I don't have his #. Just his FB. And I am not sure if he even checks it regularly. And I don't know how I would go about getting his number? I do know that he is a k9 cop with the local university.

Gotcha. You could try calling the university and getting ahold of him. You could also send him a PM, BUT you do risk his wife intercepting the message and responding back pretending to be him. When you PM him, ask him to call you. Say that you are the wife of XXX and that his wife is having an affair with your husband.

Have you exposed yet?

I just got to my hotel for the night. I will be doing it shortly.

He's mad I told his mom.

Good. His anger from exposure means you've hit a good target. Will his mom put pressure on him to end his affair?

Yes.

That's fantastic.

Have you read in the Exposure 101 thread on what to expect?

yes, thanks.

We just facetimed (so he could see/talk with the kids) and he was very upset. He said "you told my mom andmy little brother?" I said "yes". He said "why did you do that for" I said "I am not keeping this a secret and we need the supoort" He didn't say anything to that.

Good job, bellachaos!! Keep it up and don't stop until you are done. You are doing a fine job.

The BH of the OW responded to my FB message!
He said that it was the first he heard of it and that he wasn't surprised. The OW admitted it to him when he asked her about it. He gave me his cell to contact him. or said to message him.

Great news! Give him a call...

Well now WH is definitely pissed I told the BH of the OW.
He asked why I would do that. I said bc I'm not going to keep it a secret. He says do you not know the implications of that. I didn't answer just said I'm sorry you are upset. I said I need to go to bed, see ya tomorrow. He said "mhmmm we'll see".

How did he find out?



You are smart and savvy! Good answers. Great job tonight!!

I'm sure the OW told my WH.

Thank you, I'm not so sure I can keep it up when I am actually in front of him.

I am finding a lot of info from the BHOTOW (is that right?). How do I not run home to WH and tell him I know all this!???

Great job! Keep your head up, girl! You've got this!

Sweet!! That is exactly how you want it to happen.


You can tell him all this when you get the chance. What did the OWH [other woman's husband] tell you?

Wow I just found out the work trip he went on she tagged along!!! I'm so upset. How do I not let it "get to me"?? I'm not sure if I can keep going!

Also OW texted me saying it was wrong of me to inform her BH and to try and contact her family. That she is in a abusive controlling relationship and I wouldn't know what that is bc I have such an awesome caring husband that would never harm me. --- what do I say to that? Or do I not answer her?

No reason to answer her. No reason for you to justify anything to the OW.

There is also no reason to believe a liar and a cheater and that is what the OW is.

You are doing a great exposure. The results show it.

Agreed. Interacting with OW is a waste of time. Nice job in exposing to the husband. He can be a good ally in busting up the affair.

All waywards try to pull the abusive controlling relationship line. :eyeroll: In all likelihood, she's 100% full of it. Don't engage.

Thanks. I don't know what WH told his mom but she's not answering my calls/texts. Maybe she believes the abusive thing??

Just forward her text to her husband. ALL OW claim to be "abused."


Very sorry you have uncovered this but am relieved you got the truth.

Yep, genuinely abused women are SO likely to bump privates with other men on work trips. So likely to even GO on work trips. Good job controlling her OWH! Wow her husband must be so scary for her to act so controlled and be so restrained...



Not a great sign. She's figuring out who is the easiest side to back because she just wants her son to be 'happy' I.e. she's not very bothered about his morals. A good way to prise her out of cowards corner is for other exposure contacts to let her know what's expected of a normal, moral person.

You: "Hey do you know what's happened to WHmom? I expected an immediate call but she must be prostrate with grief and disappointment. Can you make sure she's OK? (And kick her up the bum).

To WH all you have to say is:"Your mom knows."

That's enough.

Did you contact the OWBH back and let him know what she is saying about him being abusive??

Good job on exposure and keep it up.

It doesn't matter if the OW is actually in an abusive relationship or not. She may very well be. But that is no excuse to go have an affair with your husband. That's a copout, even if it is the truth.

Thank you all!
Came home tonight and WH and I talked. He asked for a divorce. He thinks what "I did yesterday" was vindictive and a punishment to him. I assured him that was not the case. He's afraid I'll take the kids from him. I said I wouldn't do that. He still doesn't think he'll be happy with me. He said he wants to call some lawyers tomorrow. I asked him not to. He did say that OW ended it with him and wants nothing to do with him. I'm not sure I believe that. He is definitely pissed.

Now what???

Yes I think this is true. Though WH did tell me tonight that she yelled at him for 30 minutes and he's mad that I told her and he didn't.

Good. Exposure hit the spot. He may or may not follow thru with the divorce threat. He may just be trying to get you to leave the affair alone. You have taken control of the message and he doesn't like it. Now he can't introduce her to the family as the woman h s happened to meet 'after' his marriage to you 'just fell apart.'

Now- plan A. For 3 weeks, you are the best wife you can be while not supporting the affair. This is the time to address any complaints, always be good-looking and smelling, be fun and engaging company.

In 3 weeks, if he cannot prove the affair is over and he is willing to follow a program of recovery, you sever all contact using a Plan B letter. This is to protect you from the physical and emotional effects of his affair. All contact is thru an intermediary.

Many people go on Anti-depressants now to help that calm and focused.

A great plan A. Normal WH response to be mad. That shows how effective the exposure was. After an exposure it is usual for the WS to respond with I am through the marriage is over. Just talk for they are just responding to their ego being bruised and losing the upper hand. Though they rarely follow through.

Thank you apples. I will do my best.

I def feel like he's mad that he lost the upper hand.

Bella, you did a great job on your exposure. If there is any exposures left, please get that finished up today so you can move onto next steps.

The next step is to separate from him and go into Plan B. He has told you he will not work on the marriage, so you need to separate from him. You can start planning for the separation now and getting him to move out. You need to go into Plan B within 3 weeks and you must be separated to do so.

Have you actually verified she no longer works there? Why did she leave? And why did he tell you the PA started when she left? Was he her supervisor? Is that why he told you that story?

What would plan b entail. I have no where to go and I am not employed. What would separation involve?

No, I guess I have not 'verified'. He has told me and she told me 'nothing happened with WH until after I left (company) and he certainly wasn't the reason I left."

Yes he was her manager.

Call the front desk and ask to be put through to her.

There is a Plan B thread in the Notable Posts. There is also an Intermediary training thread. Do you have a friend who can maintain objectivity and only pass on messages regarding immediate finance and kid plans?

the 3-week time limit for moving to Plan B is very firm. So much so, I encourage you to schedule a lock-smith for December 21st today. You should also see an attorney this week and secure copies of all financial documents, including 401Ks, FSAs, etc.

Ok, thank you apples.

So for three weeks I will continue to avoid LB and fill any EN that is needed. AND while doing that I will talk to an attorney and make my plan B. Once 3 weeks is over and he hasn't agreed to work it out then change locks, etc.? Correct?

I will try and find a friend to be the IM.

Ok, this is why he told you the story about not having sex with her before she left. He made that up so he wouldn't get in more trouble. You need to call the company and ask for her. Does her husband agree that she has left?

I would say that December 21st is the maximum amount of time you should allow - but you could, and should, get him out earlier if you find the strain to be too much.

You have already been doing Plan A from the date of exposure, which I think you said was in October. Dr Harley does not put pressure on wives to do a stellar Plan A, because it is very hard of women's physical and emotional health. I've heard him say many times that if a wife has communicated the fact that she wants to give the marriage another chance, and she'll consider taking the husband back once he ends his affair, then she has done all she can and could go to Plan B right away.

I think you only need to take as long as it takes for you to get Plan B arrangements (such as finances, and an IM) in place.

Do Plan A for a further 3 weeks if you can - but go to Plan B earlier if you find Plan A too much of a strain, and you are ready for Plan B.

NO. Ask him TODAY to move out. Tell him that his affair is so painful that you cannot continue to live with him given that he will not work on the marriage. Ask him to move out. NOW. Tell him you expect him to continue to support you.

Once he is moved out, then you go to Plan B. But you cannot go to Plan B if he still lives there.

You should also have a plan in place in case he refuses to leave. You can either get him out legally or move somewhere yourself. However, he cannot just stop supporting you.

Bella, for the sake of clarity, you don't wait to separate if a WS has clearly told you he won't work on the marriage. You do go through 3 weeks of Plan A before Plan B. But in order to go into Plan B, you have to separate FIRST. Since he has told you he won't work on the marriage, then you need to move forward and prepare for separation followed by a dark Plan B.

Bingo!

Thank you for the clarification everyone! I will try and get my arrangements made asap.

He confessed the affair on 11/16. I exposed 11/28.

Okay - I got that wrong. However, that is still two weeks today, so go to Plan B as soon you've got everything set up.

Can you please answer this?

Have you talked to her OWBH to confirm she quit?

Also, here How to Plan B Correctly

I'm sorry. Yes I told him what she said.

Yes OWBH did say she had left.

I did read that link thank you. It is very helpful.

Alright I am trying to get a plan B together. I know that I need to get this done anyway.

BUT last night WH sent me an email that I am not sure how to take.

Here are a few of his thoughts summarized.

1. He was and still upset that I exposed Saturday. He doesn't understand how I would do that. I took away his opportunity to reach out to his support system. "Now, all that they know is that I cheated on you. While that�s not inaccurate, there�s a lot more to the story than that."

2. He's trying to believe I had good intentions by telling her family.

3."I know that it�s backwards and twisted and it doesn�t make sense, but [exposure] put a nail in my relationship with her, likely forever. I know you�re fighting for us, and our marriage, and our kids. I know that. But, part of me will always be upset about this. "

4. He's read a lot about divorce during the holidays and he doesn't want to put us or our family through that right now. He's willing to wait until after to continue discussion of it. But he says we need to agree on some things first: a)stop telling people in our circle of friends, his circle of friends. b) he's working on belieiving that I am not punishing him. c) he will take the next few weeks to "actively considering and making sure this is the step I want to take.", " I don�t want my anger and disappointment over this weekend to make that decision for me. "
d) He says that I need to take emotional and mental steps to accept that divorce is a viable option. and then to take care that we continue as people who care for each other for the kids, he doesn't want to lose them.
5. "I am not, and will continue to not be, in contact with her. I�m dealing with that on my own."
6. "I�m done lying. I don�t want to do it anymore. I won�t go through and rehash the details of what she and I have done. If there are things you want to know because they will help you get over it or understand, I will share that with you. But, it won�t be details of when, where, how, etc. "

He ended his letter with some very loving comments about us. "Unfortunately, we have grown apart � and in a pretty severe way." ... " I fell in love with her. And in that, I found a level of happiness, satisfaction, and love that in a lot of ways, I�ve never had before. " -- which is what he's struggling with.
He ended with this " I admire how strong you�ve been � and even though I�m still pissed about what you did � I respect you fighting for us"

I have yet to actually talk face to face with him about this. I have no idea how to take what he wrote. I feel like I need to let it sit for a minute?

Thank you for reading, I know it was a tad long but I feel like it needed to be shared.

Point 1: It does not matter whether he understands. Yo do not need to explain or justify this to him. You know that it was the right thing to do, and that is all that matters. it is likely that he will never understand. Ignore his attempts to get you to explain - which are really attempts to get you to see that you were wrong - and do not discuss this with him. If he brings it up face to face, tell him you are sorry he was upset, and say no more. Do not apologise for anything else. DO NOT DISCUSS.

2. Irrelevant. As above, there is nothing to discuss. Close the topic of what he is trying to believe and move on.

3.This is some of the most illogical babble that I have ever heard. Do not discuss.

4. What he is willing to do, short of ending his affair and committing to recovery, is irrelevant. Ignore a, b, c and d, DO NOT DISCUSS, and do what you've been told to do here, with regard to the divorce.

5. Ignore this, unless he is asking to restore the marriage and is willing to prove NC.

6. Do not ask him for any more details, until the day he goes to you on bended knees, and you need more details in order to make a decision. If it isn't for that reason, then details will only hurt you, make you cry, and make you look pathetic to him. Move on.

7. Ignore the rest of the email. Do not discuss a word that he has said in the entire thing. If he starts to talk about it, tell him that you will only talk when he has ended the affair and is ready to ask about rebuilding, including NC. You will not talk about anything else.

He is trying to degrade and humiliate you, and you must not let that happen, even a tiny bit.

If he tries to talk to you about any of this utter crap, WALK AWAY.

Sugarcane is exactly right. I will add this important lesson: do not try to reason with a falling down drunk. WE don't care if he understands, we don't care how "upset" he is. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THAT HE FOLLOWS YOUR CONDITIONS OR HE HAS TO MOVE OUT. The only concern here is your agenda, NOT HIS.

And you very much should separate from him NOW unless he agrees to a) work on repairing on the marriage and b) agrees to affair proof your marriage. There is no way in hell you should hang around "for the holidays" while he is planning to divorce you and take his affair deeper underground. Doing so will wreck your health and make it less likely your marriage will be saved. Hanging around makes you LESS attractive and hurts the future of your marriage.

Send him a letter back and tell him this:

Dear John, thank you for your letter. As you can imagine I was devastated to discover that you were still in touch with your affair partner, Sallyslut. This has been the most painful thing I have endured in my life.

Unless you are willing to meet certain conditions to protect me from your affair and commit 100% to repairing our marriage, I would ask that we separate now. I can't spend the holidays with you under any other conditions because it is too painful. I would ask that you move out now. The only way I would be willing to stay together is if you go through a marriage recovery plan with me and meet every condition on this checklist.

Are you still out of town? Is that why you have not seen him?

Read: I want you to stop interfering with my affair. I'm not in control; everyone knows the truth, not he lies I planed to tell about you. I hate not being in control.

]
This is pure insane fogbabble. It is an attempt to blackmail you into silence. He hopes to dangle the divorce card over your head to keep you in your place.

Your response will take that weapon away from him and signal to him that he is no longer in control. He still believes he is in control.

]
Did you leave some unfinished exposures? Your exposure has been extremely impactful and effective. He is worried that you will tell his friends. Are there people you did not tell? If so, I would get that finished and expose to them right away.

Bella, you are doing a fantastic job. I want you to know that your situation is very hopeful if you can stick to this plan. Right now, you need to turn the tables and show him that you will no longer be at his mercy. That will shock him awake. The more reality you can inject into his fogged out life, the better.

To give you an ide, because al waywards say stupid crap...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2827381&page=1

No I am at home. Last night I had dinner with friends. He was home with the kids. He was asleep when I got home.

Keep it up! Don't stop!

Don't worry about what he believes. He can believe it's punishment if he wants or whatever. Don't discuss it with him, don't debate him, don't try to persuade him otherwise.

By the time you are finished, it will be him who is scared of a divorce.

Yes, I definitely agree with the bolded part.

Is there a way I can make this text flash to make it more noticeable? Because it needs to be seen....

There is somebody else that you have not told, that he is very scared you are going to tell.

Think hard and figure out who those people are and TELL THEM.

You are in the process of ruining the affair - his addiction.

No I don't think so. I think I told everyone of our close friends/family.


Thank you for these words. I know the man I love is in there somewhere but this is hard.

Bella, we are trying very hard to help you save your marriage, so it is real important that you respond to the suggestions so we know what you are thinking. Are you reading the posts? Do you have questions or concerns? I can imagine you are scared to death right now and it is very important that you post to us so we can guide you out of the fog.

OMG, some of this is comical. So predictable too. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you. I will go through our contacts again and see if I left anyone out. We really don't have that much family. I will do that right now.

I hope so.

Ok I will send him a letter back that says these things.

He is running scared. He is worried sick that you are going to tell somebody else...

Tell the world. Take out a billboard. Get it to all of his facebook contacts, all of OW's facebook contacts. Everybody at their work especially management and HR (if this is a workplace affair). Everybody in their families. If there's somebody in their families you haven't found yet, find them. Everybody in their church(es), if any. Your children, if any.

Get the word out - spread the great news about the relationship he loves so much. Everybody should know!

Markos is exactly right. Right now he thinks he can keep you on the sidelines as an "option" while he stays home for the holidays and pursues his affair while dangling the divorce card over your head to keep you quiet. I assure you his affair is not over.. Going along with his plan makes you the LESS ATTRACTIVE option while wrecking your health.

The plan we are proposing makes you more attractive while protecting your health. It also will go a long way in destroying his fantasy if he has to move out to pursue an affair that makes no sense. The OW is not going to leave her husband for some creepy married man. He will be spending his Christmas all alone as a single man. That will be a huge wake up call for him.

CRY ME A RIVER!

Be sure to reach the rest of his support system.

I am very grateful for everyone's advice it really is helping me immensely!

I am very scared about everything! I am scared he will get mad and cut me (us) off financially. I am scared that if we do get to recovery that I won't be able to actually recover and this will be all for nothing. This just all is a lot to take on!

Good girl!!

And if he responds back that he won't comply, blah, blah, blah, then pack his bags and have them ready when he gets home. Let him see that you are absolutely serious.

I would also tell your 4 yr old about his affair today. He/she knows something is very wrong and needs to know the facts. If your husband is willing to wreck the family over his sleazy affair, the child should be informed.

I will go through WH facebook contacts. OW took down her FB.

The affair did start when they were working together. Though she has left the company and works elsewhere. They both claim that since the PA didn't start till she left 'nothing' happened while she was working there. ::insert eyeroll::