Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
This is long and it will seem insignificant at first and drawn out but it is necessary that I give you a full account. Please read this. It gets truly bizarre and I REALLY need help. I want to know if I am involved with a sociopath. I married a man who I thought had been with seven people and had done some other things with others because he had come out of a very long bad marriage, that he had been a virgin on entering, with an older over bearing woman who had been unfaithful while he was faithful. I thought he was good person, very caring and respectful of my feelings, seemed to love me unconditionally no matter how much I expressed my concern over getting in a serious relationship and about not being over my former lover who was still pursuing me but who I was not seeing. He was attractive, smart, our humor matched (we laughed like crazy), ever faithful, loyal, and loving. Nice to the kids ( his and mine) and to everybody, which was making me a nicer person to. Realizing that was what I really wanted in a husband I allowed him to move in and we got married.
Although he seemed to have sexual dreams almost every night ( he talks in his sleep) and make odd comments sometimes, I trusted him fully: that every female he said was just a friend was just that, that at work it was all business (he goes to people�s houses and installs cable some of the people he had sex with after he was separated and relationships were as can be expect people he met at work, or so I thought), he would say I could look through anything I felt like that he had nothing to hide so of course I never looked or asked anything and loved especially what he used to say: that he liked what he got and that he was faithful to me and would fight until we were together and that he loved me and that our relationship was the best he had had and was meant to be. He said I was the only woman he had ever said he loved except his ex and that he did not mean it when he said it to her he was just an 18 year old kid who had never had a girlfriend and this 27 year old woman came along and one thing led to another and she was pregnant so he �did the right thing.� Also that he never cheated on her. I had a lot of respect for that too. Occasionally I would think he was a little too excited to talk to a girl who called or texted but he was also excited to talk to men friends, coworkers, family; he just seemed very social. I gave him tons of attention, compliments, affection, and love.
At one point when we were dating my daughter who was four was playing with his old phone at his apartment and I saw a text from him saying he loved this woman (so much) right before I started dating him, like the week before. I did not search the phone. (HUGE MISTAKE) I closed it packed my things, gave him hell about lying to me when he showed up, said I was his rebound and left. He called and called me and begged me to come back. I did. Then I felt silly, it was before we even met after all, admittedly just before. He said he wasn�t in love he thought he was and it felt stupid to tell me because it ended badly with her becoming engaged to another man and him realizing his heart wasn�t broken.
4 weeks before we got married in October I was given pause by some things I saw on his facebook which was up. It appeared there were women there who were more than friends and a message from his sister where he was saying we should be together because I have a paid for house and it would be easier on him financially and he could relieve some of the burdens of being a single mother etc., then I saw his skype and it had filthy things on it but from when we were first dating. I only looked at a few messages. We started talking in December and started dating �officially� on Feb 1st and also slept together the first time. These messages and calls on skype were from right up until January 31st. I didn�t look at all of them only like two or three. He had been telling this woman she was the most beautiful sexy body he had ever seen etc. the NIGHT before he came to see me and we slept together. I hadn�t slept with anyone for months and before that I hadn�t for five years. I am not promiscuous. I confronted him and was FURIOUS that he moved into my house and was planning on marrying me while keeping in contact with these women and that he had been talking to them right before he came and met me. He said he was sorry that it was just internet that there was no physical contact. The he deleted like five contacts off facebook and out of his phone. I didn�t know what to do but the wedding was 4 weeks away so I just let it go, though secretly it was eating at me. I felt calling off a wedding over some old messages from when we first met was ridiculous. Still I felt I couldn�t trust him and was worried. As it got closer to the wedding we had many happy times and I thought I was getting over it. I was super lucky and I was so proud of him and loved him incredibly. Still e would make off hand comments about other women, even when we were picking up our wedding rings at the jewelers. Not like dirty things but just comments, like she reminds him of girl who he did something with etc. I felt it disrespectful. We argued over that one, well I argued and he just kind of acted like I was nuts and didn�t say anything.
So like an idiot, I got married in October as I said and we went on honeymoon and he was having sexual dreams about women at the hotel. This started to make me very insecure about anybody he looked at on our honeymoon. I was starting to get really upset(on the inside) and several times it came out unintentionally as what he must have seen as odd outbursts, like crying one night at dinner which he put down to my having drank too much, but really it was I think an internal revelation that I had made a HUGE mistake. He remembers the honeymoon as super fun and would love to go again. I don�t see it that way but I have never said anything. He even made remarks on our last day about how did this man get this particular woman, he never got girls like that how did that guy do it. I am a very attractive woman. I mean, I really am. I have always taken care of myself and am very pretty and in good shape. I am 35 and everyone thinks I am around 26. I was always confident in that too but he has, by this point two year into our marriage, nearly destroyed my confidence. I feel awful and depressed about how I look. But after that it all went OK pretty much and I started to be really truly happy and so proud of him and loved him but with a weird slightly nagging doubt I considered myself crazy for feeling.
There�s more ! Here is where it all goes crazy-twilight zone-what just happened-insane. So On February 1st (I was pregnant) it just turned out that all these little things built up and I got concerned that he had this email he wouldn�t open in front of me a few nights before when we were paying bills and had to reset a password on an account. It went to that email but he wouldn�t open it with me standing there. Odd. So after a few days of mulling it over I called him while he was working and asked for the password. He didn�t want to give it to me, but after I said hey I am just going to assume the worst if you don�t give it to me so It is your option or something like that, he gave it to me reluctantly.
I could not believe it. He had profiles on dating and sex sites, he had all these messages and email from craigslist and people from video games and chat rooms. He was not only having sex with strangers (unprotected) before he moved in with me, it was awful horrible sex with men, transvestites, and women. He�d been having sex with customers from work while we were dating before he moved. Filthy awful stuff he was discussing and looking at porn of, beastialty, peeing on people, gay sex, group sex, child sex, incest, transsexuals, and literally unspeakable things he was talking about and viewing drawings or videos online and webcam sex with people. He had had sex with an 82 year old woman who was his customer and who knows how many other customers. Multiple customers I know of. There had been so many he forgets them when he tries to list them. In this one conversation with a transsexual male he was telling him how much he wanted to be with him and how sexy he was and so seriously beautiful (<3 hearts hearts -WHILE talking on the phone with me and for some reason that one hurts incredibly) and they were playing this mother little boy sick crap. He was having sex with people and discussing meeting people the whole time until he moved here and even after he moved here continued to text and call these people for who knows how long. We had been at his apartment swimming with the kids in the pool and this woman customer from his building he was cheating on me with was sitting there by the pool and he just waved at her like nothing. At the time I didn�t know but WOW what an idiot she must have thought I was, laughing to herself about whatever he must have said about me while he was doing stuff with her. He�d called me after he�d left her apartment once and calling her an �Old bar ho� who wouldn�t stop trying to hit on him, while talking to me on the phone when he left from having JUST had sexual relations with her.

Anyway so I had what must be like a psychological break. I was at first just numb, like it belonged to someone else. I even laughed. Then I started shaking, in a panic was like pure stress like I have never felt before then screaming, crying, body racking weeping. I started drinking wine his mom had left here on a recent visit (the baby came out fine He had ruined my independent happy life for what? He didn�t love me. He clearly intended to continue being unfaithful, he had been unfaithful in his first marriage. Was it for a rent free place? I was immediately throwing his stuff outside, breaking things, confused, like almost high feeling (that I am feeling right now still two years later thinking about it) this like oxygen type high and sick stress stomach feeling. .) I felt like, although I am HIGHLY anti-abortion, I had to abort the baby or I would be single mother of three. That I couldn�t keep my (one of my two) jobs pregnant and couldn�t do either with a new born and two kids alone. In short, I let him stay, he deleted more contacts. It turned out he had more people saved on his phone hat he was still talking to, he deleted the numbers, He was crying, seemed truly upset. It took three days to bring his stuff back in. I loved and hated him felt sorry for him but would hit him. It was a horrible few weeks. I cried constantly. But he just like was well OK that�s over. Whew. I still find out more constantly. I think about it every day. In short, I hate him. I am miserable. I also can�t stand the idea of letting him go, sort of. I go back and forth. I can�t tell if I love him. I cannot trust him. I think he thinks we fine and he�s happy. I make these jerk remarks about what he�s done almost daily but I can�t help it. I also feel bad for him. He is so damaged. Something is wrong with his confidence and self image. He could have died doing what he was doing. I love him, I think. I can�t tell. Or maybe I just don�t want to be alone.
We tried counseling when this stuff came out. He went one time then kept not going to showing up so the counselor won�t see us anymore. He wants things in bed that I am not OK with. I feel bad that he will never be sexually satisfied but I trying to understand it I feel like I am losing myself, who I am. I don�t want to be a pervert. He wants me to dominate him and do things to his rear end. That�s not who I am, but we are married so the only way to avoid that stuff altogether without him being unsatisfied is to get a divorce. I have sex with him constantly and oral sex ect and other things because I fear if I don�t he will cheat again. I read that is common with spouses of sex addicts and having to dress provocatively and worrying about other people out who are dressed for sex. Even in movies, I hate the naked people. I feel like he is looking at them wishing he had them.
We have two babies now, 10.5 months apart because I was afraid not having sex with him would cause me to be divorced with a new born but I just got another newborn out of it. Right before my pregnancy test came back positive I had decided I was divorcing him. But I am almost alone. I do everything at home almost. He isn�t any help around the house or bills or yard, or he does any of that very rarely. He seems to be incompetent at basic things almost like he is sabotaging it. He offers to do things and then won�t or when he does do things he curses and is angry. He is very easy for the kids or dogs to infuriate but he's never mad at me but I don't trust him to keep the babies alone. He is wildly impatient. He played video games constantly for the last year. He's especially angry when he has been or is playing games and something is needed. When our 3 day old baby had a lung collapse and I was in icu with her for 10 days he played video games at home (he was watching the kids on fall break) and told me he was going to look at porn and masturbate for stress relief. (!) When he did visit he was, IMO, flirting with the nurse. His children bully my children and are rude and disrespectful to them and me. His family is difficult to deal with. He came with horrible credit, no possessions to speak of ( cars and house and furniture are mine), and debt collectors from his marriage. I fixed all that. He does often make meals and do nice things for me like make me pancakes, or pick up something from the store, or put the kids on the bus on his day off so I can sleep in but it doesn�t even out. That�s not EQUAL. When he goes out of town it makes me sick, last time he was gone he was looking at men giving oral sex to transsexuals on his phone. When he�s at work I�m upset too. He switched to business but he still has to go to residential calls. He can�t get another job that pays what he makes.
Right now he wears a blue tooth and lets me listen at work to see that he isn�t doing anything. We seriously are on the phone like 6 hours a day most of that not saying anything, I feel like if I hang up he�ll go back to what he did do with customers before. I am not sure that he isn�t still doing it because I didn�t know before and he and I were not having trouble. There was nothing different except that I didn�t suspect. I don�t think my suspecting is enough to prevent it. He says he loves me, but how could he? He doesn�t. I feel like he tries to make me feel better, or at least wishes I just did feel better. He said the other day, I wish I knew why you are so unhappy. I can�t explain it. I don�t know myself, I know I am married to a liar, who humiliated me, a pervert, a homosexual, and this was not who I wanted to be married to. He is not who I married.
My last advice from the counselor was if he does anything else he is a sociopath, that our �marriage is as good as it�s going to get, that I give a lot and have a lot to give and the amount of love I could be capable of is immense.� He said �you have very low expectations and are easily pleased.� That my �only expectation is love and loyalty but that you are an incredibly strong woman and you can stay in this as long as you want.� That I could hold out forever. I don�t think I can. Everyday words, people, things and just seeing him or him laughing talking to someone, or things that aren�t even related like dirty ads that pop up on the internet about celebrities being �hot� and ads like that infuriate me. I have an aversion, a genuine aversion to transsexuals. I HATE THEM. In can�t believe the things the ones he talked to said. I did not used to care at all or I felt bad for them because people gave them so much trouble. Now? I would run Bruce Jenner over with a car if I saw him. Or not. It�s 50/50. If he was talking to my husband I just might run them both over. Kidding. Mostly. I had my 2 year anniversary October 26th and I felt like I was so stressed I was going to throw up all day. He wanted to celebrate it. Seriously!? Well I put a balloon and a like cup that says Mr. Wonderful in his car filled with his favorite candy and a card the night before our anniversary so it would surprise him the next day but I HATED him while I got the stuff and the whole day of our anniversary. I tried to get excited. I had ordered a cake at the bakery that was a mini of our wedding cake. I cancelled it that morning. The thought of it made me ill.
On a daily basis not knowing what I know everybody would say I have the perfect husband. He's always saying nice things about me to co-workers. He says he loves me ect. I just don't believe him. Everybody thinks we are perfect and so in love. I put on a good show don't I? I just don't see any reason to make it worse and he thinks it's all ok I guess. Sort of. I know he knows it makes me unhappy. I don't know what to think. I feel like the world is full of disgusting perverts and I hate everything I see. TV. Magazines. Movies. It's a weird new thing for me. I want to avoid the beach because I feel like he's fantasizing about everyone there and it's rocking this precarious boat I live in. I know he still wants men to have sex with him although he lies and says he doesn't.
I just want to have a day that this isn't life. What is wrong with me? Can I ever just not feel this way? Is it hopeless?
I�m so confused.
Help me.


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Welcome to MB. I apologize ahead of time, but I couldn't make it through your long post. Could you please break it down into 3 short paragraphs?

Is he currently having an affair? Is everything he does transparent to you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
That wall of text is more than most have time to read.

To answer your basic questions:

What is wrong with you? Nothing, other than past bad judgement. Your instincts are telling you not to trust the untrustworthy, and the red flags in your marriage portend very serious issues.

Is it hopeless? Well, that depends on your husband. You can not do anything to fix this without his full and enthusiastic cooperation. At present, he has little reason to cooperate. He is getting all he wants.

You need to educate yourself about Marriage Builders by accessing the wealth of free information on the website. Start with The Summary of Basic Concepts.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
No way do I have time to read that. Please cut that back to 3 short paragraphs. You will get very little help writing posts like that becuase we all have busy lives and don't have time to be reading a novel.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Do you want to recover your marriage?

I don't know where to start.. My gut screams run! You can mail Dr. Harley for advice at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

For personal recovery, you are in the right place. Read the basic concepts and some of the Q&A columns.

If you had known all of this, you wouldn't have married him in the first place. Now you know and you get to decide if you want to stay married. For that, you need to know everything (yes, there probably is even more). You will be in an emotional rollercoaster for some time. You will hate him at times, but feelings of love will also pop up when you don't expect it. That is "normal".

The second pregnancy, did he have a hand in it? Sometimes, if a man thinks a woman will leave, he uses pregnancy as a means to keep her. A pregnant woman will not leave him. Did he sabotage the pill or condom?

You are sacrificing. That will cause you to have a depression. Stop sacrificing (for starters, have sex in a way that is satisfying for the both of you, not just for him).

If you don't want to run and recover your marriage, I would suggest a very dark plan B.

Read about exposure (link in Melody's sig) and plan B. As long as everyone thinks you are happily married, you enable him to do all these horrible things. Your personal recovery will benefit from exposure. Exposure isn't meant to punish him, but to kill unwanted behaviour. It's like exposing an alcoholic and friends will not take him to a bar, but drag him out of it.

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Summary:

Hopeless (35) and husband (age???) are married 2 years (Oct 2013), lived together +/- half year.
WH: previous married (then: he 18, wife 27, married because of pregnancy). Divorced, lied that his wife cheated and he didn't.
Hopeless: daughter from previous relation (not married), split up short after birth of daughter.
Children: 2 children together (1y & small baby), daughter +/-6y (Hopeless), his child from previous marriage.

First disturbing discovery while dating: week before Hopeless and WH started dating he texted another woman he loved her
4 weeks before wedding: Found facebook conversation with his sister, he said moving in with Hopeless would be financially better for him.
Discovered had skyped and talked sexually with someone the day before he and Hopeless first slept together.

Red flags: female friends, commenting on women, flirting, sexual dreams.

DDay: short after discovering pregnancy 1st child, Feb 1st 2014, got mail password. Before moving in, hubby was having unprotected sex with everybody available (man, women, whatever). Filth from Craigslist, chatrooms, looked and chatted about all kinds of abnormal porn.

To prevent hubby from cheating, Hopeless engages in sexual acts she doesn't like.

Counceling: hubby went once, didn't show up later.

Transparency: hubby seems to be willing to be a bit transparent, Hopeless can listen in on what he is doing at work by phone. But when out of town, he is still watching filth on his phone.

Hopeless wanted divorce right before positive pregnancy test 2nd child.

Husband has problem with anger management.
Husband is not supportive of family or household.

Last edited by goody2shoes; 10/29/15 07:09 AM.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
You are miles away from being in recovery, this should be in "surviving an affair". I'll notify the moderators, so it can be moved.

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
Have yourself tested for STD's. Have him tested. Use condoms.

How old is he? Is his child living with you or his first wife?

Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
My husband is Jekyll and Hyde. I haven't met Hyde but I know what he does and when it comes out Jekyll apologizes and is hurt and upset and is a "perfect" husband...almost. He isn't helpful around the house and loses temper with kids. Not in an abusive way but in an alarming way. I could deal with those problems if I didn't HATE him on and off for this other stuff.

I have two kids. He has two. We now have two together.
He moved in in late July. We were engaged and his job transferred here to this town early, otherwise I would not have had a man move in but we were supposed to be getting married in October.
He is 32, I am 35.

One is autistic, not badly but it does affect his communication. His family and son are (now) not nice to/about him. My step son bullies him so that is a constant strife because I simply won't put up with it. He acts like he is better than him and like my son is dirty, like: He won't sit in a chair he has sat in etc.

His two kids are here half the time. They live at thier moms house. My kids are 14(b) and 7(G) and our two babies (G) 1 year and 2 months, his are 13(B) and 8 (G).

Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 275
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 275
Run as fast as you can. Dark plan B: Go make a better life for yourself. As soon as possible. The abuse going on in this household is astounding!


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
Get your husband out of your and your children's lives as soon as you possibly can.

Dark Plan B

Protect your children, your two new babies, and yourself from him, before anything else happens. (i don't want to say this, but there's a strong chance your WH will molest your kids)

I understand you believe you love him and you want to try to save your marriage. No good can come of it. The damage to your 4 kids will get worse and more every day. You need to get to a place where you can become strong again and not be confused by your WH.

I read your entire post, Hopeless 1231. Three is no hope in staying with your husband. When you get away from him, you will be able to see more clearly, and you'll know there is nothing "wrong" with you.


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK




Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5