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Hello, I wish I found this website a month ago. Reading the forum posts really opened my eyes and helps me cope with my current situation.
My wife and I have been married for over 17 years in a seemingly happy and stable marriage. We have an 11 year old son that we spend most of our free time and energy on. We are financially secure and I earn about 90% of the income while she holds a part-time job for 20 hours a week.
Seventeen years ago, or six months after our marriage, she had an Emotional Affair (as best as I could determine) with her ex-boyfriend who lived on another continent. I stumbled onto dozens of mostly flirtatious emails to each other and I believe they only met once for lunch. After seeing a marriage counselor and reconciling, we recommitted to our marriage and I vowed to be more emotionally supportive and she vowed to stop communicated with the OM. We waited six more years to have our boy, after I established the relationship was going to last and that we were happy together, which I believed we were.
Our relationship had steadily grown distant over the recent years, as our life has become routine as we focused all of our energy on our son. Three weeks ago, an argument aroused my suspicions again. I discovered that she has been corresponding with the OM again. In fact, I hacked her phone and found that it goes back for at least 9 years! None of the emails were explicitly sexual but there was a lot of innuendo, and that he wanted to hold her �until she�s 90� and that they cared for each other. There were several selfies headshots sent by both parties. The OM had just had his second divorce in March this year and she was complaining to him about me. It looks like they may have only physically met once for lunch a year ago. However, she was planning her separation from me and he was supportive and planning a visit later this month with her. He promised her his support and for her to be brave.
I confronted her without showing the actual email evidence, and asked her why the betrayal of her promise to me!?! Of course, she denied there was any affair since the OM is so geographically far from us. She gave the standard lines, that we had grown apart over 17 years, especially the past year, and that I�ve been cold and distant and would never change. I hadn�t seen the advice from this site yet so I stupidly started groveling and asking for forgiveness and said I would change my ways. Of course these were all rejected. Since our confrontation, she now sleeps in our guest bedroom although she hasn�t moved out to her mother�s as she had originally threatened. I am still secretly monitoring her email and so far there has not been any more contact to the OM. I analyzed her GPS movement from her phone and it doesn�t appear to have any suspicious movements for the past year at least.
Out of desperation, I went my mother-in-law without telling my wife and showed her the emails (she was actually very much the force behind our reconciliation the first time). She initially claimed that her daughter�s relationship was purely platonic until I produced the emails. She saw that I was sincere and serious and promised that she will tell her daughter to stay overnight and try to help my cause.
My question to the group is, given this email evidence doesn�t explicitly prove a Sexual Affair, but definitely is an Emotional Affair, what should I do? Should I proceed with Exposure? I think I can trust my MIL to a certain extent but after that she is always her daughter. How do I get my wife back? Help!
Thank you!


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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
My question to the group is, given this email evidence doesn�t explicitly prove a Sexual Affair, but definitely is an Emotional Affair, what should I do? Should I proceed with Exposure?

Hello Lost, welcome to Marriage Builders. Exposure is the most effective weapon you have against the affair. This affair has thrived and grown for years and will probably end in her leaving you for him if you don't run him off and kill the affair.

I would strongly suggest that you expose it and make life so miserable for him that he will stop sniffing around like a dirty dog in heat. OM are typically cowards and dirtbags, so they are very easy to run off.

I predict that much of the detachment and marital problems you have had for years stem from this ongoing affair. Your wife has remained checked out for years, making it impossible for you to fill her lovebank.

Please go read my exposure thread for tips and come back and lets discuss.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
I am still secretly monitoring her email and so far there has not been any more contact to the OM. I analyzed her GPS movement from her phone and it doesn�t appear to have any suspicious movements for the past year at least.


Does she have a cell phone? There are many ways she can contact the OM with a cell phone, ie: texting, applications, etc. Do you have a keylogger on her computer?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thanks for getting back to me so quickly!
Do you suggest I confront the OM directly (via email)? I don't have his number (from 16 years ago) and I'm still trying to figure out how they had the phone conversation two weeks ago. When I did it 16 years ago he defended himself saying it was just a "friendship." I called BS on that back then, saying it's impossible for people to have a platonic friendship after being sexual partners like that. He told me he had no interest but was only "helping" my wife cope.
I've read some advice on other websites to not confront the OM as it will just make me seem weak and desperate.
I've already exposed my wife to the person she most values, her mother. Do you think I should proceed? She does have a friend that knew about the event sixteen years ago but I'm afraid she'll just look at it as platonic as well, because unless you read the entire trove of emails and understand the background it may seem innocent to most people.
As for the technology, I put her phone is on prepaid plan so she cannot make international calls. I have also checked the phone log and it doesn't have any suspicious numbers (even calling card #'s) and I have an old phone that has all the passwords so I can still track her GPS movements and incoming emails. So far I haven't turned up anything else other than the emails.
Thanks!


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly!
Do you suggest I confront the OM directly (via email)? I don't have his number (from 16 years ago) and I'm still trying to figure out how they had the phone conversation two weeks ago. When I did it 16 years ago he defended himself saying it was just a "friendship." I called BS on that back then, saying it's impossible for people to have a platonic friendship after being sexual partners like that. He told me he had no interest but was only "helping" my wife cope.
I've read some advice on other websites to not confront the OM as it will just make me seem weak and desperate.

I would confront him, but only AFTER you expose to his family and friends. You sure won't look weak and desperate if you do that and then call and inform him that hell is coming his way if he EVER contacts your wife again. An OM will not want the trouble. The only reason he has kept this up is because it was some cheap fun with no consequences.

Quote
I've already exposed my wife to the person she most values, her mother. Do you think I should proceed? She does have a friend that knew about the event sixteen years ago but I'm afraid she'll just look at it as platonic as well, because unless you read the entire trove of emails and understand the background it may seem innocent to most people.

So, you would want to make up a list of close family and friends and expose to them using the talking points on my exposure thread. Her friend can't view it as platonic if you give her the evidence.

Quote
As for the technology, I put her phone is on prepaid plan so she cannot make international calls. I have also checked the phone log and it doesn't have any suspicious numbers (even calling card #'s) and I have an old phone that has all the passwords so I can still track her GPS movements and incoming emails. So far I haven't turned up anything else other than the emails.
Thanks!

So she can text or skype from her computer. What about text messages?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
I've read some advice on other websites to not confront the OM as it will just make me seem weak and desperate.

The advice we give here comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair. Actually, to NOT confront the OM and run him off makes you look complacent and weak, as if you don't care. Here is what he says: here



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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LLost, once you have exposed her affair wide and far and done your best to run this rat off, Dr. Harley would advise that you DEMAND she end her affair and never speak or see this man again. Once her affair has ended and your marriage is affair proofed, you would use the steps of this program to create a passionate, romantic marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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[/quote]I would confront him, but only AFTER you expose to his family and friends. You sure won't look weak and desperate if you do that and then call and inform him that hell is coming his way if he EVER contacts your wife again. An OM will not want the trouble. The only reason he has kept this up is because it was some cheap fun with no consequences. [/quote]

Ok, I'm going to research how to find the information, since he's an ocean away and we have no mutual acquaintances other than my wife. I cannot see any of his friends on Facebook though... Will make the list to confront, but do you think I should wait until my MIL has had a chance to confront her first (she promised me she will do that in the next few days and she said she will call the OM herself!)? I don't want to burn that bridge just yet because she was an important ally the last go around. She was very sympathetic to me when I met with her a couple days ago and showed her the evidence. I do think she understand my value versus the twice-divorced loser OM.

[/quote]
So she can text or skype from her computer. What about text messages? [/quote]

No, I removed Skype as well as other software also microphones from that computer long ago and scanned through her phone for surreptitious messages. She is not that technically adept and I had to set up everything for her. All the phones are logged so I'm still puzzled how she made that call, maybe at her work?
I was the dumbest guy on earth for trusting her and even allowing her to have a secret password after that first crisis.
Luckily I left the unintended backdoor on the phone which came in handy now, so I'm hesitant to jump on exposing especially when the evidence is a bit flimsy and I can potentially compromise getting better evidence if I catch them emailing still.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
[I was the dumbest guy on earth for trusting her and even allowing her to have a secret password after that first crisis.

Hopefully you know now that even needing a "secret password" should be a huge red flag, right? People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Quote
Luckily I left the unintended backdoor on the phone which came in handy now, so I'm hesitant to jump on exposing especially when the evidence is a bit flimsy and I can potentially compromise getting better evidence if I catch them emailing still.

Yes, you do have evidence. Even without the telling emails, you have evidence of her continued contact with her affair partner from 17 years ago. Continued contact *IS* evidence of a resumed affair. That would be like an alcohlic starting to drink again but calling his drinks "business drinks." This relationship has already passed the threshhold of romantic love and it can't go back from there. She can say we are "platonic" now, but that is a ridiculous notion.

This affair has now gone on for 17 years. Eventually she will leave you for the OM if you don't lift a finger and start doing something to save your marriage. Keeping it a secret for her only serves to enable the affair. That helps the OM in his mission to destroy your marriage, but it does not help you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Seventeen years ago, or six months after our marriage, she had an Emotional Affair (as best as I could determine) with her ex-boyfriend who lived on another continent. I stumbled onto dozens of mostly flirtatious emails to each other and I believe they only met once for lunch.

Her relationship is an affair. You already know this and have known it for 17 years. Just the fact that she is in touch with this guy is proof positive that the affair is active. You don't even need the incriminating emails.

Sir, the reason you are here dealing wiht the same affair 17 years later is because of your complacent, enabling approach. I say this with kindness, but if you had taken a more pro-active approach in the past, this man would not be still be trifling with your marriage 17 years later. He knows you won't do anything to protect your marriage because of your past complacence.

If you do care about your marriage - and that has not been demonstrated by your complacency - you will put an end to this. Complacence shows a lack of caring that your wife won't forget.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Yes, you are correct, I was definitely complacent. I had gone through what I thought was effective Exposure 17 years ago with my family, my in-laws, and several mutual friends, as well as the OM. She and the OM had both promised it would stop. I should have known to keep vigilance but was too comfortable in my trust in her.
I want to give the time that I promised my MIL to do her counseling before I unleash what I gathered... Because I do believe she will be my greatest ally in this fight. Or do you think my trust is misplaced?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
I want to give the time that I promised my MIL to do her counseling before I unleash what I gathered... Because I do believe she will be my greatest ally in this fight. Or do you think my trust is misplaced?

I think your biggest problem is conflict avoidance and relying on your MIL to solve the problem - for you - is another facet of that approach. She can be your ally, but gaining her as an ally will not save your marriage. You need to expose the affair.

You are wrongly placing all of your hope in your MIL to solve the problem and that will not happen. The problem will only be solved when you take action and expose the affair. Exposure is the most effective, impactful weapon against an affair. It is a good thing, not a bad thing.

I am unclear on why you would not want to apply the most effective tool you have at your disposal?





"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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What is your greatest fear about exposure?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What is your greatest fear about exposure?

I'm like every other guy I've read on the forum, scared of total loss (as wife is wavering on relationship since initial tough stance and stayed in the house). MIL wants to have a night this weekend with wife to go through everything and convince her to stay in the marriage.

But in the end you are probably correct, unless I do a more thorough exposure of the two of them (larger set of friends) it won't have the permanence that I need and could pop up again 17 years from now. After the OM marries and divorces his third wife!

Rest assured I am compiling the list of people to send to as well as the letters to address them. I am stumped on the OM's friends and family contact though. I only know his name and search on the web turned up nothing. On Facebook his friends list is private and I cannot see any friends (my wife was smart enough not to friend him). Any idea how I can get around that? I only know one girlfriend of my wife's that knows him, but it doesn't appear she's been in contact with him for years either. She was also very defensive of my wife 17 years ago and placed the blame on me, so I don't think she will provide me his contact this time.

I'm going to install SMS Tracker tonight to make sure I capture any text messages. So far she doesn't have a clue about how I figured out she still talked to the OM, I don't want to tip her off and put a password block on the phone.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
[
I'm like every other guy I've read on the forum, scared of total loss (as wife is wavering on relationship since initial tough stance and stayed in the house). MIL wants to have a night this weekend with wife to go through everything and convince her to stay in the marriage.

With all due respect, that is ridiculous to imagine that your MIL can reason with a fogged out wayward. Waywards do not respond to reason. If you have read this forum, that "fear" was completely ill founded because it was exposure that saved their marriages. Every saved marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure.

But just exposing to one person and hoping they can do what YOU should be doing yourself is unrealistic and won't save your marriage.

And lets say she convinces your wife to stay in the marriage? So what? That does not run off the OM. It does not kill the affair. He will still be hanging around because he knows you are complacent. Your MIL's "counseling" does nothing to motivate her to end her affair and work on the marriage. That motivation comes from exposure.

And how many marriages has your MIL saved? As many as Dr Bill Harley, author of Surviving an Affair? Whose expertise should you rely upon?

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

Quote
But in the end you are probably correct, unless I do a more thorough exposure of the two of them (larger set of friends) it won't have the permanence that I need and could pop up again 17 years from now. After the OM marries and divorces his third wife!

I have been here for 14 years and I can assure you that if you don't expose this affair and take some action, she will eventually leave you for him.

Quote
Rest assured I am compiling the list of people to send to as well as the letters to address them. I am stumped on the OM's friends and family contact though. I only know his name and search on the web turned up nothing. On Facebook his friends list is private and I cannot see any friends (my wife was smart enough not to friend him). Any idea how I can get around that? I only know one girlfriend of my wife's that knows him, but it doesn't appear she's been in contact with him for years either. She was also very defensive of my wife 17 years ago and placed the blame on me, so I don't think she will provide me his contact this time.

Can you see any of the posts on OM's page?

Quote
I'm going to install SMS Tracker tonight to make sure I capture any text messages. So far she doesn't have a clue about how I figured out she still talked to the OM, I don't want to tip her off and put a password block on the phone.

Good idea!

However, I will just warn you that we can't help you if you won't expose the affair. So even if your MIL convinces her to stay, nothing we tell you will be off effect because your marriage will not survive.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
[ The OM had just had his second divorce in March this year and she was complaining to him about me.

I would also suggest that you do a thorough background check on this guy to find out if he is married and has any criminal history. You need to know everything about him, including the names and contact information for his parents and family members. That way you can expose to them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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My difficulty is this guy is on a different continent on the other side of the earth... So it's going to be tough getting this detailed information, especially past the language barrier when I don't know his name there...
However, I have made progress by finding his recommendations on LinkedIn had some people we mutually know. I am proceeding to friend as many of them as possible for the blitz. Hope they will accept my InMail.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
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False Recovery, 16 years
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Melody, I thought what you wrote over thoroughly and I confronted my wife one last time tonight about the affair and her intent. I did not get a committed response from her, just a vague and silent acknowledgement of the online affair and that she'll "give me a response next week."

So I followed your advice and started the blitz while she is sleeping, and sent the recommended letters and my evidence to 12 of the OM's friends on Facebook that I could figure out, and also to 8 of my wife's closest friends. I also emailed it to my MIL and apologized for not being able to keep to her timetable. Finally I emailed OM and warned him never to contact my wife again.

I already got a response from on of the OM's friends on Facebook who wished me luck to save my marriage! She claimed she didn't know OM well, but I asked her to just let OM know that she received the letter and she said she will try.

I hope you are right and I'm prepared to be strong and face the music tomorrow! The toughest part will be telling my son in the morning, he will be a heartbroken 11 year old. I am tearing up thinking about it as I write this. Pray for me.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
The toughest part will be telling my son in the morning, he will be a heartbroken 11 year old. I am tearing up thinking about it as I write this. Pray for me.

I know it's tough time telIing the kids, I told my 10 year old step daughter the other two 3 and 14 months are to young to understand.

As much as my WW hates me for it, I am glad I did and it's keeped the confusion out of her life on what her mom's doing and has become a allie in wanting the marrage saved. It's become a huge hurdle for the WW to rewrite history.

Take the step with courage!!!


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DD 11 and 4
DS 1
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Thanks for the advice, Ron.
I assume I should tell my son without my wife present, right, to avoid distortion and fights?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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