Hello,

My husband and I had been separated for since 2/2015 and it was hard to get him to ENGAGE. We were both stubborn and prideful and not following Gods plan for how we are to treat each other. We have only been married since 6/2013. Anyway, the week before Thanksgiving 2015 my husband emailed me to tell me he had an affair and he promptly filed for divorce the next day. Devastated and shocked to say the least. This new girl loves him for him and now he says WE were never meant to be together and he is never coming back. In fact, he has gone as far as to say the affair is NOT an affair because he divorced me in his heart before engaging with this new woman and that I never wanted him or loved him. All bunk and excuses and rationalizations, but nonetheless that is the hurtful stuff he says to me via email or phone. My husband is a christian as well as I am....and he knows better than to say adultery is not adultery just because he divorced me in his heart. My question is this. I don't want a divorce. However, there is nothing out in the internet spaces or blogospheres as to what or how I should be acting now. Do I ignore him, do I keep telling him I don't want a divorce (which I have done til I am blue in the face), do I stall the divorce proceedings? I don't want to act desperate and begging and clingy as that is not attractive, but I guess I have no choice but to leave him to Satan at the moment as he has free will. I have been praying Hosea 2 Hedge of Thorns prayer and trying to pray ceaselessly, but for 3wks now, there is nothing positive coming out of anything. I know God is working for good, but I feel stuck.

In the last few weeks I did a plan A ish not even knowing it. All that got me was ugly emails saying it's too late...I'm never coming back...you'll thank me later for divorcing you...it's over...blah blah...then earlier this week I did plan B and went dark. The only problem with my plan B is that he had already stopped communication with me...all I did different was deactivate my Facebook.

So in my case...seeing as he announced the affair and filed for divorce in one big quick fell swoop...what can I do to still save my marriage?

Advice anyone?

FYI...during our separation he was living at his old churches studio. When I found out about the affair on Sunday...I forwarded the Email...yes email he sent admitting the affair...his pastors confronted him the following morning and he admitted it...said he was done and moving on and so they had no choice but to kick him out. Now he has an apartment somewhere...which I don't know where....nor do I know who the OW is...I don't know anything about her...not even her name. Sigh.

Hello Always, welcome to Marriage Builders. What led to your separation in February? How long have you known him? Did you live together before marriage? Have either of you been married before? Any affairs on either side?

We knew each other over a year before we got married...he is 47 and I am 43...I have a son from a previous marriage...he has no children. I am his 3rd marriage and he is my 2nd. Prior..he was a drug and alcohol addict for 25yrs...he aged out of foster care as a child...and he is 5yrs sober. We were separated in Feb 2015 because I filed a restraining order due to punching holes in doors and breaking one door in half. He admitted during dating that he cheated on his previous wives...but when he got sober he became a born again Christian and he would never go against Gods commandment. I have never had an affair.

No we did not live together prior to marriage.

How can you figure out who this OW is?

Have you read Surving an Affair?

You do realize that a marriage would never work unless and until he went through extensive anger management training, right? Your husband is a dangerous man and I applaud you for filing a restraining order. He is not safe.

I would suggest that you send him a Plan B letter telling him not to contact you again unless he a) completes extensive anger management training and b) ends his affair and c) commits to fixing the marriage. You have nothing to save unless he does all of those things 100%.

A short marriage with a violent alcoholic might not be worth saving. And keep in mind that you cannot control him. He has the free will to be violent and adulterous.

Looking back we should've always been in marriage counseling. We adopted the thought that he would get help....I would get help...fix ourselves and then do marriage counseling...10mo was waaaaaaay too long. We saw each other over the 10mo but not since 10-31-2015 when we went to talk to our pastor. That went sideways...and a month later he emailed to say he'd had an affair starting 11-7-2015 when he told me he kissed her and the earth stood still and that she loved him for him. Next day he filed divorce.

He is currently doing EMDR therapy for his childhood. I understand that is horrific for people with major traumas. Foster care was not kind and nurturing...it was emotional....psychological...sexual traumas and abuses. Hence the numbing with decades of drugs and alcohol addiction. He thought that when he got sober 5 yrs ago that meant he was healed...WRONG. Neither of us recognized how wrong that was.

I have not done the plan B official letter because he has already filed for divorce and is not contacting me anyway.

Until about a month ago he had been going to Celebrate Recovery...if you don't know what that is...it's like AA for Christians.

Do you want to save your marriage?

The part of plan B I've technically implemented is not contacting him and deactivating my Facebook. I didn't do the letter because I just found out about it this week and he has already stopped communicating with me anyway. I fear that if I send the formal letter it will be another hateful response telling me he's never coming back and to move on.

Yes I want to save my marriage. The affair fog stuff I read fits him to a T

Can you find out who the OW is? To expose on her side?

Why did your first marriage end?

Why did his marriages end?

No. His pastor who is FB friends with him knows from FB but won't tell me.

His prior two marriages ended because of shared drugs and alcohol addictions from both he and the wives...first marriage was when he was 18yrs old. Anyway...I'm the first person he's dated/married that didn't have addictions like that.

My first marriage ended when my German husband got his green card and left.

A pastor knows who the OW is and is supporting/enabling the affair by keeping her a secret? Wow!!

Do you have your finances secured?

One thing the Plan B Letter will do is give him your conditions to repair the marriage if you choose to, a roadmap home.

How is your support system? Do you have self care in place?

His pastor feels it's my WS place to tell me. He does not know the OW....nor does he condone it.

My finances are secure.

Good support and getting better on self care.