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Tryan Offline OP
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Hi,

It's coming to almost 2 years since I've been married to my husband. We both young (26yrs ; same age) and have a beautiful daughter and another baby on the way. But I have been so resentful and biased with him for his past mistakes. I tell myself I want to forget everything and forgive and work on our relationship but It hard since he still talks to the same girls he's cheated on me with. He cheated on me several times before and after marriage. But he always begged for my forgiveness and tried to work it out.
Before marriage, we were in a long distance relationship (different continents) and then started to live together after a year of marriage. I had our first baby while in the long distance.
To be honest I love him so much and I just want to be right for him. Every time these girls call him I just get angry and feel like he's already unfaithful. He admits to flirting with other girls because he gets along with them, and that all men do it so he wouldn't be the first. This kills me. I have been trying to build back my trust in him but I feel like he keeps breaking what I build.... Or it's me who just breaks what I am building. I need to support him and his work because he has done a great job at providing for the family. But my resent for him gets in my way and blocks and clouds my love for him and also pushes him away. Yet I find it hard to avoid it. I need to reprogram my mind and be happy. Should I just give a blind eye. When he picks calls at night from girls, should I just deal with it? He'll come round?
I keep thinking he's unfaithful all the time. Please advise.

Yours Tryan

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It is not your resentment that is the problem but his unfaithfulness and his poor boundaries around women. Unless he makes a radical change in his dangerous behavior, you are facing a life of hell. Here is what it will take to save this marriage - anything less will be a disaster:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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"Forgiveness" is inappropriate and is part of your problem. You don't "forgive" the bank robber when he is in the commission of a crime. You only "forgive" when he STOPS robbing banks and repents. Your husband has never stopped robbing banks. And it would be silly to afford "trust" to an untrustworthy person. It would be irrational to imagine you can "trust" an untrustworthy person.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Tryan Offline OP
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He says all he needs from me is peace and comfort. He says I am mentally ill and need help. I recently went through his mobile without his permission (which I shouldn't have) and found dirty messages with other girls. He instead got mad at me for stealing and checking his fon and called me mad (who in their right senses steals another persons fon) was his claim. Was I wrong ?

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Tryan Offline OP
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Melody, thank you very much

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Originally Posted by Tryan
He says all he needs from me is peace and comfort. He says I am mentally ill and need help. I recently went through his mobile without his permission (which I shouldn't have) and found dirty messages with other girls.

You have a right to see everything on his phone, you are his wife. If he won't show you, then it is obvious he is hiding something.

I would give him a chance to affair proof your marriage and if he won't commit 1000%, then you should separate.

He should give you his phone, change his email addresses and promise to never speak to or see his OW again. He should never have opposite sex friendships with any women. You should have full access to everything. I would go through the checklist item and item and do everything on it.

If he won't do those things, you should separate. Can you move back with your parents?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Tryan
He says all he needs from me is peace and comfort. He says I am mentally ill and need help. I recently went through his mobile without his permission (which I shouldn't have) and found dirty messages with other girls.

You have a right to see everything on his phone, you are his wife. If he won't show you, then it is obvious he is hiding something.

I would give him a chance to affair proof your marriage and if he won't commit 1000%, then you should separate.

He should give you his phone, change his email addresses and promise to never speak to or see his OW again. He should never have opposite sex friendships with any women. You should have full access to everything. I would go through the checklist item and item and do everything on it.

If he won't do those things, you should separate. Can you move back with your parents?
Do not buy any of his crap about you being "mentally ill". His behavior is the cause of your mental anguish.

His role as a good provider does not give him a pass to talk to other women. No wife would be okay with this.

Your peace and comfort matter.

If he won't take the steps Melody has outlined, you need to separate from him.


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



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Originally Posted by Tryan
He says all he needs from me is peace and comfort.

He needs you to get off his back while he destroys your marriage and mental health in peace. That is all he wants.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Tryan, the feeling of "shouldn't have" snooped in his phone is wrong. I felt guilty for snooping in my ex's briefcase and that's how I found the long letter he was writing the OW. Your H is playing you and trying to make you feel you are insane.

Mine did the same thing to me. I didn't discover MB until months later. The affair was entrenched by then. I never exposed his affair. Exposure means telling or notifying everyone he knows. Read up on Exposure before setting out to do it. It must be done right to be the most effective.

Meanwhile, quietly snoop. Any information you glean about your H's contacts with other women is yours by right. You have a right to know what is going on in your own life.

You're not mad. You're normal and sane.


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Oh My goodness ... please know you are not insane, mental, or crazy.

Waywards hate absolutely hate accountability, and during their affair they want nothing more than to have their selfish behavior continue going because it "feels" good for them to be in love.

My WxH was the poster child for accusing me of craziness. I remember when he asked me if I was bipolar.

The best choice is to make sure you expose his affair, make sure if he does not end his affair and commit to rebuilding your marriage you go into Plan B ASAP.

Plan B will help you recover your mental anguish and see your situation with clearer eyes.


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My wayward 'diagnosed' me with attachment disorder. Waywards love to spend their time discussing our 'mental illnesses' in great detail with the latest slag.

It makes them feel better about their betrayal. It also gives them something to talk about when they are not bonking.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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My WH who is still in his A asked my intermediary...as I am in plan B if I was chemically imbalanced...super rich coming from a life long drugs and alcohol addict supposedly 5yrs sober. So don't let his A fog babble be something you internalize as true.

Hang in there!


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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What everyone else said. You are not crazy nor inappropriate. Your husband is gas lighting you to keep you off balance so he can lie, flirt, and screw around with other women without you cramping his style.

Read through this thread when you get a chance to understand Gas lighting:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954175

KEEP SNOOPING - Surreptitiously. SAVE COPIES of all evidence you find. I would not confront him about anything until you have a lot of evidence saved up. DO NOT tell your husband about this forum at this time. There are also threads in here on how to snoop. (Voice activated recorders in the car, keylogging software that sends you copies of what he's doing, all kinds of ideas.

Your H can call you crazy all he wants. The bottom line is that you do not want to be married to someone who flirts (and has sex with) other women, someone who hides things from you, who does not consider your feelings in how he interacts with women.

The fact that he is actually openly "friends" with someone he cheated on you with and has the temerity to suggest that YOU have a problem - that is mind blowing! But he's the crazy one, not you.

Read through the checklist on surviving and affair. You probably will need to separate from him because he's been using and manipulating you for so long that it's highly unlikely he will take you seriously otherwise.

BTW, on the checklist "Allow technical accountability." means that you both have open access to each other's phones, email, social media accounts - everything.

You don't "forgive" affairs and you don't "trust" liars. You make sure you are living in such a manner that affairs and lies simply don't have the opportunity to happen. If he is trustworthy then certainly he will have no problem with you reading his phone.

Good luck. I'm really sorry to see you in this position, especially young and pregnant! But how you allow him to treat you moving forward will be critical in determining the course of your life and your children's lives. Oh how I wish this forum existed and I'd found it when I was 26...

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I don't have my parents. Lost them when I was a child. Did I mention I moved from Africa to come live with him. So he's literally the only person I know here. I haven't gotten my PR hence haven't gotten a job. Been depending on him

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Thank you so much guys. This is rather mind wakening.

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Originally Posted by Tryan
I don't have my parents. Lost them when I was a child. Did I mention I moved from Africa to come live with him. So he's literally the only person I know here. I haven't gotten my PR hence haven't gotten a job. Been depending on him

You must feel very alone and vulnerable right now. Possibly your husband feels he can take you for granted because you feel so dependent on him. Who knows, but regardless -- you have more options than you might think.

Even if you're not a citizen yet, I believe you can get financial assistance from the government since you have a child and are pregnant. Regardless, if you legally separate, I believe your husband will have to pay child support.

I would quietly start investigating your options for financial assistance while you work on the surviving an affair checklist (don't tell hubby where you got the checklist, just write out the items and tell him that's what will keep you.) And snoop to get a real picture of what's currently going on with your husband.

It is in your husband's best interest to man up and have a happy marriage with you. It's his choice - a loving, romantic, happy marriage with you... or 18 - 20 years of child support payments.

PS, I am confident you can get financial aid -- but also, know that once your child comes and you're ready, you will be able to find a job doing something. It may not pay a lot at first, but you can find something and work your way up.

ETA: Also, I would start trying to meet some people. You can join a church (even if you're not religious) to meet really kind, helpful people. Maybe find a mom's group. Just get involved in something where you will start to meet people and form some connections.

Last edited by AnyWife; 02/01/16 02:26 PM.
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Tryan Offline OP
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Thank you


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