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My wife and I have been married for the past 19 years, together for 24. High school sweethearts. We have three children between the ages of 13 and 19. I work about fifteen minutes from our house while she has an hour commute.

In June of 2014 I discovered that she was sexting with a past co-worker. Once confronted, she admitted to the sexting but I never saw any of the texts as she deleted them before I could take a look. She admitted that they were inappropriate. We went to several counseling sessions but ended them after about three months when we became dissatisfied with the counselor.

Five months ago (September 2015) my wife admitted to me, out of guilt, that she had been having a physical affair with the same man. They had obviously not stopped their relationship after my discovery of the sexting and the relationship became physical in January of 2015. While the other man no longer works at my wife's current job location, he did live within 45 minutes of a remote site that she traveled to for one or two-night trainings. These trips occurred, on average, once a month. She admitted that they had sex but stated that they used a condom each time. I demanded that she be tested for STD, to which she complied and was found to be negative.

On D-Day I demanded that she choose between me or him. She said that she could not. I was taken aback. It made sense to me later on. She had felt that she had ruined all we had together and wanted to leave the other man as an "outlet" or maybe I was that "outlet"/fall-back. During later counseling sessions, I learned that they had discussed going to Europe together to live, long term. She had planned to leave me.

I never exposed the affair to everyone. I have a few guys at work I've confided in and she has told a few of her closest friends. My oldest two children know and my parents are aware. Here parents are both deceased and she has several siblings, but I'm not sure how many know.

On D-Day I had her call the OM to say it was over. A week or so later we had to make that call again. The second time around I talked to the OM and told him to give us a chance to work on the relationship. If she didn't want it to work, she would be all his. Later, when questioned, my wife admitted that she had been e-mailing the OM on her work computer. We then wrote "the letter" and she has ceased all contact as far as I can tell.

I've been riding the roller coaster of emotions over these last five months. During the highs, I believe that I'm falling in love with my wife all over again. The sex is great and I'm working to do a better job of showing appreciation and affection. When I swing into the lows, I have little self worth. I feel like I'm in competition with the OM, worry about my appearance and sexual anatomy/performance. I also feel betrayed and disgusted.

During the past two weeks, my wife has been on a 2-week conference about 4 hours form home. We have skyped every night and my two youngest kids and I visited her for the weekend. She is set to come home in two days. This business trip has put me into another "low".

I would like to be demanding about her job, specifically the fact that it is an hour away, that she works long hours (salary position), and that she has to take trips (she no longer does overnights where the OM lives). I'm just not sure how far to push. She took this job for the increased pay and personal satisfaction, but its been taking a toll on our relationship long before D-Day.

I feel that I've been doing my part to fix my faults. I racked up some healthy credit card bills but I'm attacking them full force and I'm happy with the progress. I've also curbed my spending drastically with relation to my many hobbies. Its difficult for me to work on the affection that I need to improve when my mind is filled with thoughts of the affair. I've been the one to initiate the therapy sessions and have yet to cancel or reschedule a visit due to work conflicts. This comes first.

My wife has given up the contact with the OM and the overnight visits to his area. She tries to leave work on time but she seems to have issues shutting it off for the day. She rarely brings work home, but her daily routine is a mess. I've asked her to read one of the books I bought about relationships and affairs but she hasn't picked it up in a couple of months and only read a couple of chapters. About 50% of the time she has to re-schedule a therapy visit due to a work conflict. Sometimes, I take her appointment. I'm just not getting the feeling that she's as committed to this as I am.

I know there's hope for our relationship. I want it to grow stronger and have seen proof that it can during the highs. I'm just so angry and disappointed at times. Sometimes I feel that I want her show me proof that she is still communicating with the OM so I can end my marriage. As if that would ease the pain somehow.

Am I headed the right direction? Should I ask her to leave her job for one closer with no travel? Her job is her life, its what gives her purpose.

Give my some advice.

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Sorry I feel your pain. I was there a few months ago, I was gaslighted by my WW as well. My instincts told me she was going through the motions and when I dug deeper I found out the truth. Sadly I believe your wife is still communicating with OM.
Read Melody Lane's Exposure thread and follow her advice. Have you exposed to OM's family? Is OM married? That can be very effective.
You should definitely ask her to leave her job. Her sense of boundary is impaired and past behavior has proven that you cannot trust her on overnights.


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Right now I don't have any solid proof that my wife is still communicating with the OM. I'm also feeling that 5 months after the fact is a bit too long expired for exposure tactics. Especially if they are indeed not communicating.

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Dr. Harley recommends exposure even years after an affair is ended . read Exposure101 and comedy back. Do not discuss this with your wife.

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You didn't expose, you don't follow any EPs, your wife has no accountability.
You have a plan for failure!!!!!!!!!
Follow the plan of exposure, and EP's.
If not-
Good luck to you.




PS- She is still active with the OM or someone else.- guaranteed.

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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

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Originally Posted by Ranger413
Am I headed the right direction? Should I ask her to leave her job for one closer with no travel? Her job is her life, its what gives her purpose.

Hi Ranger, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. What you need most of all is a plan to save your marriage. Most marriages do not recover from infidelity because they don't follow a plan. They might stay together but they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage, leaving the marriage more vulnerable to an affair. As such, resentment grows and gets worse. You don't have to be like that if you can follow a plan. Howver, when you replace the wrecked marriage with something better, the pain of the past fades away.

I would give up the counseling [a distraction because therapists have no earthly idea how to save a marriage] and focus on affair proofing your marriage and creating a romantic relationship. That is what this plan will do for you.

And yes, your wife and you not spend another night apart, however that is achieved. Her traveling job has wrecked your marriage and skyping, phone calls, etc will not compensate for the emotional detachment that is caused by her job. Nor will it eliminate the temptation and the opportunity for her to have an affair. She can easily contact the OM when she is out of town and he can even travel to her town. Your emotions are warning you about her business trips and you will be perpetually triggered when she leaves.

Please read through these links and come back and lets talk: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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In addition to the checklist from Surviving an Affair that apples posted above, here is another quote from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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In addition to the advice you have already been given, I think you need to be more assertive in standing up for your marriage. Telling the OM that he can have you wife if she chooses is him *not* the sort of thing you should say. Women expect their lovers to be passionate about them. That comment sounds uncaring. OMs are scoundrels, and what caring person would consent to surrendering the person they care about to a scoundrel?

When it comes to the OM, trying to appear reasonable is not to your advantage. It has been over five years since my wife's affair. We have fully recovered. Yet, I have to say, if I were to happen upon the OM tied to an anthill ... smile


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I agree with MrEureka am somewhat shocked at your wimpy reaction to the OM. Complacence reflects a lack of caring. The only message the OM should get from you is that hell is coming his way if he does not bug off. He is a dirtbag and you should run him off.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The second phone call to the OM, the one in which I spoke to him, was rather blunt. After my wife unconvincingly told him that it was over, I took the phone and told him that we were going to work on our marriage and he was to leave her alone. Admittedly, I said some wimpy stuff - talked about her going to him if we couldn't work it out. Eventually, from other things I said, he became defensive about me passing judgment on him. I let it fly at that time.




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Here are some radio clips from Dr. Harley on what how to confronting OM.
Dr. Harley "I encourage BHs to confront OM"


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Ranger, did you read my posts?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Ranger, did you read my posts?

Yes I did. I'm overwhelmed at this point with the responses here and am confused on what to do next.

I will be picking up my wife from her business trip tomorrow evening. I feel like I want to confront her and ask her if she is still having contact. I want to look at her phone and I'd like to take a look at her e-mails. The very latest contact that they had, to my knowledge, was e-mails on her work computer (roughly a month or so after D-Day.

When I have asked my wife in the past about texts, e-mails, or other contact she has been forthcoming. I feel, however, that if I'm not asking, she's not telling. So, if I ask she doesn't really have the capacity to lie, but she won't volunteer info. Sounds silly, maybe it is, and maybe I'm too trusting. Outside the affair, she has always had difficulty or an inability to lie to me. Me, not so much trouble with that.

The affair was exposed to family and most friends. The OM is divorced so I'm not sure if he has a significant other that I could contact. Not sure that exposing the affair to my wive's boss is a good idea due to the use of government e-mail for some of their conversations. My boss and some close co-workers know. My two oldest children are aware, because I told them. MY youngest daughter (13) has not been told. So, basically, a partial exposure of sorts.

I know some folks here have replied that she's still communicating. I'm not getting the vibe that she is. She has been very remorseful and constantly expresses her feelings for me.

I'm in a whirl-wind.


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My wife said that my lack of affection and appreciation were the driving forces to the affair. I know that the OM worked where my wife works for awhile, but took a job that's now outside of that agency and 4 hours from here. The affair became physical at one point when she did overnights to a remote training site (he lives 45 minutes from there). That continued for about 8 or 9 months before she said the guilt overcame her.

During sessions with our therapist, I learned just how close I was to loosing her. They had talked about working for the agency overseas and moving together. When asked about what would happen with our children, she said that she would have asked them if they wanted to go to Europe, but if not they would be in good hands. Knowing that they had worked out a plan scared me. I didn't want to loose my best friend.

I haven't pried for the details of the affair. My therapist has recommended against it. I'm unsure if I want/need to know everything.

My wife is very driven and values her career above everything else. At least that's what her actions show. She has said that my past spending habits necessitated the move into the job that she has now. There can be truth in in that I guess, but I feel that its her trying to prove to herself and everyone else that she can reach the top. In reality, I think she needs to leave her current job for one that does not require travel and is closer to home. I have my doubts that she can swallow that pill.

Her current job is a salaried position. She regularly works long hours and then has the 1-hour commute on top of that. I worry about her driving after dark and usually get upset with her and shut down if she's running late. Aside from the money, nothing good (in my mind) has come from her current job. We don't have much of a family life during the week and this is where the affair was facilitated. I know that she should leave this job for our marriage's sake, but it'll be a hard sell.

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Do you have spyware on her devices?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Do you have spyware on her devices?

No

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You need to have a Plan to get spyware on all her devices when she comes home from her business trip. Are there any devices that she has at home now that you cane get spyware on?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Ranger413
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Ranger, did you read my posts?

Yes I did. I'm overwhelmed at this point with the responses here and am confused on what to do next.

I will be picking up my wife from her business trip tomorrow evening. I feel like I want to confront her and ask her if she is still having contact. I want to look at her phone and I'd like to take a look at her e-mails. The very latest contact that they had, to my knowledge, was e-mails on her work computer (roughly a month or so after D-Day.

Ranger, my advice would not be to ask her. That is not a strategic way to get the truth. The best thing to do is install spyware on her phone and a keylogger on her computer without her knowledge.

I would also insist that she find another job ASAP that does not require travel. In the meantime, I would try to travel with her or have her cancel any business trips. Your marriage won't survive this if you don't.

Quote
When I have asked my wife in the past about texts, e-mails, or other contact she has been forthcoming. I feel, however, that if I'm not asking, she's not telling. So, if I ask she doesn't really have the capacity to lie, but she won't volunteer info. Sounds silly, maybe it is, and maybe I'm too trusting. Outside the affair, she has always had difficulty or an inability to lie to me. Me, not so much trouble with that.

Stop asking. She is as dishonest as everyone who has an affair. Or she would not have hidden it.

Quote
The affair was exposed to family and most friends. The OM is divorced so I'm not sure if he has a significant other that I could contact. Not sure that exposing the affair to my wive's boss is a good idea due to the use of government e-mail for some of their conversations. My boss and some close co-workers know. My two oldest children are aware, because I told them. MY youngest daughter (13) has not been told. So, basically, a partial exposure of sorts.

I would confirm that the OM is divorced and see if he has a significant other. I would also find his facebook page and expose to his family and friends. If this is a workplace affair the affair should be epxosed there. And most certainly your 13 yr old child should be told. There is absolutely no legitimate reason to not tell all of your children, there is only downside from not telling them.

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I know some folks here have replied that she's still communicating. I'm not getting the vibe that she is. She has been very remorseful and constantly expresses her feelings for me.

You won't know if she is and you won't get a "vibe." Remorse has never ever prevented a affair or facilitated a recovery. What will recover your marriage is affair proofing your marriage and creating a romantic relationship.

You need to start snooping and stop assuming things, my friend. You can't deal wiht the situation if you are not dealing with FACTS and evidence.

Quote
I'm in a whirl-wind.

We understand. We are not emotionally distraught and many have recovered our marriages so we can be of help if you can follow a plan.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Ranger413
My wife said that my lack of affection and appreciation were the driving forces to the affair.

The driving forces behind your wife's affair was:

a) lack of boundaries around men

b) a job that allows her the freedom to have affairs

c) an emotional detachment in her marriage driven by a traveling job

She will continue to have affairs unless and until the conditions that led to the affair, her traveling job and her poor boundaries are addressed and resolved. She would have never had an affair if she had not allowed another man to meet her needs. THAT IS HOW AFFAIRS BEGIN.

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During sessions with our therapist, I learned just how close I was to loosing her. They had talked about working for the agency overseas and moving together. When asked about what would happen with our children, she said that she would have asked them if they wanted to go to Europe, but if not they would be in good hands. Knowing that they had worked out a plan scared me. I didn't want to loose my best friend.

The therapist does not understand that she was dealing with the equivalence of a falling down drunk. The therapist does not understand the foggy mind set of an adulterer. Very little that your wife said in these sessions was rational or meaningful. I am sure none of it made any sense.

Quote
I haven't pried for the details of the affair. My therapist has recommended against it. I'm unsure if I want/need to know everything.

Like I said before, a therapist is not experienced or qualified in dealing with infidelity. In order to recover, you need to know the facts of the affair. This is critically important. If you don't know, you will imagine the worst. And of course oyu will never trust her again as long as she and the OM have secrets to which you are not privy.

Quote
We don't have much of a family life during the week and this is where the affair was facilitated. I know that she should leave this job for our marriage's sake, but it'll be a hard sell.

Anything that comes before your marriage will come between it. But you have already learned this the hardest way possible. This will be your future if this does not change. You have a right to ask her to put your marriage first and stop engaging in marriage wrecking behavior. Her job is wrecking your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Ranger413
My wife said that my lack of affection and appreciation were the driving forces to the affair. I know that the OM worked where my wife works for awhile, but took a job that's now outside of that agency and 4 hours from here. The affair became physical at one point when she did overnights to a remote training site (he lives 45 minutes from there). That continued for about 8 or 9 months before she said the guilt overcame her.

Just know that most adulterers blame their affairs on their spouses initially as a way to keep their spouse off balance. Your wife is no different. Unfortunately, you have a fogged out "therapist" who has sadly validated that wrongheaded thinking. The logical outcome of such a belief is that you just need to do a better job of need meetin otherwise she will cheat again. If you fail again, she will feel entitled. You will be meeting needs at the point of a gun all the while the real reasons go unaddressed.

Secondly, you need to find out everything you can about this dirtbag. Does he work there? Is he married? Is he shacking up? Find out everything and unleash holy hell on him. OM are dirtbags and cowards who are easily run off.

Here is the message the OM should get from you:



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I seriously doubt that your wife was overcome by guilt when she told you. It was far more likely that something happened in affair land that motivated her. She probably had reason to fear that someone else was going to get to you first, and told you so she could spin a story and affect some damage control.


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
You need to have a Plan to get spyware on all her devices when she comes home from her business trip. Are there any devices that she has at home now that you cane get spyware on?

Also, get a Voice Activated Recorder ASAP (USB sticks are the best). Learn how to use it and stick it in her car. Find out what she is doing in her one hour drive.

I'm sorry to admit but I was as oblivious as you. Listen to Melody Lane. I was in denial after the Exposure, I trusted my MIL would control my WW. However, I knew something was up because my wife was making a half-assed effort at reconciliation. I felt she was going through the motions. Melody and others on this forum called it. After I put in the VAR and really started searching I found the secret second cell phone and that my WW and the POSOM were still communicating, despite denying it to everyone.

DO NOT REVEAL ANY OF THIS TO YOUR WIFE. I was a little careless and installed the non-hidden version of the phone spyware, SMS Tracker. Unfortunately she figured it out and I lost the use of that tool. Pay the $50 or so to get the hidden version, it's totally worth it! It activates the GPS tracker as well so you will see where she's been going.

The other advice I have is once you discover the evidence, collect as much as possible and wait a day to think about what you are going to do with it. I got too emotional and I made tactical mistakes with the information by confronting her right away with every little thing I found. Really think it through like chess, and think how your WW will come back when confronted with each fact.

Last edited by LostOnWestCoast; 02/04/16 10:57 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by mrEureka
I seriously doubt that your wife was overcome by guilt. It was far more likely that something happened in affair land that motivated her. She probably had reason to fear that someone else was going to get to you first, and told you so she could spin a story and effect some damage control.

The same thing occurred to me. That is why I think he needs to investigate the OM to see if he is married. Also, he may have been fired when the employer found out about the affair and she was afraid ranger would find out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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what is the best spyware for the phone? I believe that will be my starting point. I don't have a way, I believe, to get onto her work computer. It is a government computer so I would need admin rights to install anything on it. That was the last avenue they used to communicate. She, at one time, showed me texts that he sent to her. She left them on the computer unopened and said that she left them that way to prove she was having no contact. Should I ask her to allow me access to her e-mails by bringing her computer home? Not sure how to check up on those.

So, the thought that the OM no longer works there may be exactly what you're saying MelodyLane. Maybe work found out and he was fired. My guess is that my wife wasn't the only one in his sights. She said that he was a male whore at one time (umm, then why were you with him?)

I have access to his FB page and will look into a mass message. I believe he has over 350 friends or so.

Last edited by Ranger413; 02/05/16 12:01 AM.
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Originally Posted by mrEureka
I seriously doubt that your wife was overcome by guilt when she told you. It was far more likely that something happened in affair land that motivated her. She probably had reason to fear that someone else was going to get to you first, and told you so she could spin a story and affect some damage control.

Here's how D-Day went down. About two or three days before D-Day, we were laying on the bed and were talking about taking a trip. I asked to see her phone so that I could look at the directions to our destination and she held the phone back. I got pissed and went out to the garage. We didn't talk for the next couple of days. I was pissed because I had discovered her sexting the previous year (with the same OM). I was never able to see the texts as she deleted them all and I wasn't persistent with my attempts to search the SIM card.

Anyhow, on D-Day I was laying on the bed and my wife came and sat down. She asked me what I was thinking about. I told her I didn't think we were going to make it. She said that she agreed. I began questioning her about having an affair and she admitted to the emotional/physical affair with the same OM. I destroyed her phone with a hammer after the OM texted while we were talking.

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Originally Posted by Ranger413
what is the best spyware for the phone? I believe that will be my starting point.

Chekc out this thread here and also pick up a voice activated recorder as LostOnWestCoast suggested. You can buy one here and put it in her car or computer bag.

Quote
So, the thought that the OM no longer works there may be exactly what you're saying MelodyLane. Maybe work found out and he was fired. My guess is that my wife wasn't the only one in his sights. She said that he was a male whore at one time (umm, then why were you with him?)

I would find out if he still works there and find out as much as you can about him.

Quote
I have access to his FB page and will look into a mass message. I believe he has over 350 friends or so.

You won't be able to send a mass message and it wouldn't be taken as seriously as a private message. I would try to find his family members and closest friends and expose to them via private message using the talking points in my exposure thread. Study his facebook page and try to find about 50 of his closest family and friends.

Did you read my exposure thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Best one for Android phones is SMS Tracker, but practice on your phone first to see how to install the hidden version. It is tricky.
Not sure about iPhones.

There are also ways to recover deleted texts and photos using a PC.

Last edited by LostOnWestCoast; 02/05/16 01:17 AM.

Me-BH, 47
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DS, 11
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Originally Posted by Ranger413
My wife said that my lack of affection and appreciation were the driving forces to the affair.

Got the same attitude...during the false recovery.

You can tell real recovery by the fact when wayward spouse totally owns the decision to have an affair.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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2 Children 20 and 22 years
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I dont understand something. You claim to have done exposure at least to some degree, although incomplete and ineffective. Are you saying the exposure had no effect? No relationships changed? Parents, children, friends? Nobody put any pressure on her?
You told your boss and coworkers, big deal, do they even have a relationship with your wife?
And if you are not going to inform her company about the affair then you are blowing a huge advantage. Because you are too scared of the fallout? Losing the income?
So your marriage is less important than her job, really?

Align us all on this.

You allowed your wayward to go on a 2 week away from you work trip, and thought nothing of it? WOW!

You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Now is the time to be a man, and not a wimp.

Last edited by NebDane; 02/05/16 08:17 AM.
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Originally Posted by Ranger413
I was never able to see the texts as she deleted them all and I wasn't persistent with my attempts to search the SIM card.

There is a program/app called "Wondershare Dr. Fone" available for both Android and iPhone that will allow you to recover deleted texts and photos off of a phone. Try it.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
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On Sunday after church I asked my wife to sit and talk with me about the affair. I explained without the complete honesty and transparency that a successful marriage requires, we would not be able to move forward. I told her that I wanted her to leave it she would not do this for me, for us. She initially refused and said that she would prefer to do this in front of the therapist. I explained that the therapist was not giving us direction, only listening and allowing us to vent. After some more resistance, she began to talk. I asked her to tell me the story of how the affair developed and where it was today.

I knew he had been a co-worker, but she told me more. She told me that he was quiet, like me. Initially they didn't like each other but he opened up to her about his speech problem when they were assigned a task. From what she said, I think she took it as a challenge to get him to open up. The OM was married at the time but it was rumored that he had a girlfriend (someone other than my wife). Several of the women at work were out to get him due to his infidelity. It sounded as if it was a forced move of sorts. He eventually relocated. As he left, my wife said that they only exchanged a hug goodbye, but kept in touch via texts and phone calls. She admitted that they eventually turned into sexting and other inappropriate conversations. My discovery of the sexting in June or July of 2014 and the resulting therapy sessions had no impact on the relationship.

January, a year ago, was when the affair turned physical. She said that they had never met in person during her business trips until then. It was at that time that he spent the night at her hotel room. This occurred, on average, once a month during these trips. She also admitted that she had spent a couple of nights at his house when I had visited my parents with my children. Once, she lied about a business trip away from her normal work location and rented a hotel to meet him there.

She told me that, since D-Day, the only contact she has had with him has been via e-mail. She said that she doesn't love him as she once did and that everything is different between them now. She answered several other questions that I had for her. I was proud of myself for not interrupting her and remaining calm through this. I wanted her to feel unthreatened and willing to tell the truth. I thanked her for her honesty and I felt like a weight had been lifted.

Before leaving the spot where we had parked, I told her that I was going to call him and tell him, myself, that it was over. She pleaded with me to let her say those words. With the phone on speaker, she made the call. I was not entirely happy with the conversation that she had with him, mainly because I had in my mind what I wanted to say and she didn't exactly say what I was thinking. Once she hung up, I got aggravated about some of the words she used with him. In essence, she said that she appreciated the friendship that they had but it was over. That she wanted what she had with me and not with him. She told him that this was to be the last contact they would ever have and to not send her anymore e-mails.

What now?

Without my wife present, I am going to talk to the OM tonight. I am not going to tell her about the conversation. I will explain that my marriage means everything to me and that I will unleash hell on him if he continues to pursue my wife. I have ordered a discrete voice recorder and will employ that in my wife's car. I will couple that with a monitoring program on her cell phone, these two things I should have done when I discovered the sexting.

She has agreed to look for another job closer to home. I explained that this will have to happen in order for our marriage to continue. In the meantime, she will not do any overnight trips unless I can accompany her. We have also agreed to lay out each day's plans for each other the night before, in a notebook.

I am at odds right now with full exposure, but I will tell my youngest (13) about it in the next day or two. I realize that exposure may be my best tool, but I'm struggling with it. If I expose my wife at her workplace she will likely loose the opportunity to relocate closer to home with a government job. I want to leave that a possibility. I am hesitant to expose him on FB for this same reason. Should his relatives, or he himself notify my wife's place of work, her chance for future government employment would be at risk. I am prepared to fully expose and to have her leave the house if she fails again.


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Hi ranger, you have made some good progress but it will all be for naught if you don't follow through with a full exposure. Your window of opportunity is closing as we speak because the longer you wait, the more opportunity you give your ww and her boyfriend to rally. Calling him and making empty threats that are not backed up by action will only help him better understand your strategy so he can continue his love affair. You should stop talking and run this man off.

Expose this affair to everyone, starting with the OM's wife, family and friends. Have your wife put in her 30 day notice TODAY and tell her if she is not gone in 30 days, you will expose to HR.

If you refuse to do this, I give your situation very little hope. You have to stop spinning your wheels and taking the path of least resistance. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to save this.




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Also, if she does not put in her notice tomorrow, you should not wait to expose at work. I bet if you call his wife you may get an earful.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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"ly loose the opportunity to relocate closer to home with a government job. I want to leave that a possibility. I am hesitant to expose him on FB for this same reason. Should his relatives, or he himself notify my wife's place of work, her chance for future government employment would be at risk. I am prepared to fully expose and to have her leave the house if she fails again."

By placing her job before your marriage, you are risking your marriage. Exposure is your greatest weapon in saving your marriage so it is irrational to forgo it just to protect a little government job that has all but destroyed your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping this a secret only helps the affair thrive and gives the OM free reign to continue to pursue your wife.

You cannot afford to cut corners like this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Act like a man, not a waffling scared mouse.

EXPOSE!

If this sounds harsh, it is exactly what I wish someone would have told me to do, instead of being afraid.

Last edited by NebDane; 02/08/16 03:13 PM.
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Expose. The above people are RIGHT...as harsh as it sounds...you NEED to hear their harsh but truthful words to snap you into reality.


BW, me - 44
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PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
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I exposed too late...wish I would've done it sooner.


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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You need to realize how precarious your marriage is. I realized too late. You may generate anger from your WW now if you Expose fully, but it will be much less pain than what you will face later when she leaves you for the OM (or another OM she will find later on!)
You cannot trust what she is telling you. If so, she would have told you the truth the first time around! It is like peeling an onion, you are getting layers and layers of lies to justify her affair.
Only way to end their affair is to kill it head-on.
Forget about saving her job. What is more important to you, your wife or her government job??? It's like money, you can always make more. You cannot put a value on the pain you will suffer because of the affair.


Me-BH, 47
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Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
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When will you be exposing?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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When the BH is more fearful that the marriage will not survive a work place exposure the marriage is already DOA. DNR.

A work place exposure is a consequence of having an affair.

The consequence of not having a work place exposure is worse.

Last edited by TheRoad; 02/08/16 10:38 PM.
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