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Joined: Sep 2014
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Heartbroken I am! This would be a very long story if I started from the beginning. Need help navigating though blowing the cover on my sister. Let me preface this with saying that I was previously on this site as Kimberly234 and went through a horrific time with my EX who had affairs while we were married. My sister saw how horrible it was for me and was one of my supporters (besides you wonderful people here...) through my ordeal.

I shared on here about a year and a half ago that my sister was going through a rough spot in her marriage and headed towards a D. That I was sure that her H at the time had an affair. He was married 2.5 months after their D was final. My sis does have emotional issues, I believe she has suffered with depression for years. I believe she has taken something off and on but not seeing a doctor so I don't believe she is really on anything consistently. I have been one of her biggest supporters through her D and have helped her through some rough dark times. She always said she never wanted a D but could not stand the person that her H was.

Zoom to this past Sunday. I get a weird text from my sis, so I call her. (our family worries about her being suicidal). She was sobbing and hard to understand on the phone. She had a fight with her son and was upset because "she was going to end up alone just like her EX said she would." Then she let it slip that she was just as bad as her EX because she had been having an affair for a year and a half!!!! OMG! WHAT????? She said she hated herself and couldn't stand the pain anymore. that the only reason she was still here was because she didn't want to embarrass our Dad. (by committing suicide). WE talked for quite a while longer. She calmed down enough and both her boys were at the house. So we agreed to chat the next day. During this phone call, I had asked her about the cheater man and asked her if she was going to stop. She said that on Friday she had already told him she couldn't see him anymore. And that she didn't have a way of getting in touch with him. He reached out to her when he could.

I don't believe her that she is not going to see him. I am angry, upset and feel betrayed. Of all the people in the world, someone that knew how painful an affair is how could my sister do this?

So I need help navigating this. I refuse to stay silent. I missed a call from my sis on Monday and since then she has not been reachable. I want her to be emotionally healthy and don't want to send her over the edge. I have been thinking a lot and have had sleepless night since I found out. I have been on her facebook page reading her posts and seeing what guys pay attention to her. I go on their facebook page and see what she pays attention to. THEN I remembered over the summer an incredibly weird message she sent me AND some random guy that I had never heard her mention. It was a sticker of the Snoopy dog holding a heart. She texted me the next morning and said it was an accident and she had been drinking. CLICK. CONNECT THE DOTS. This has to be the guy. I am 99.9% sure of it, that I know who he is. And he IS married.

So help me. I love my sister more than anything. She has been my best friend and I hers. I do want to talk to her first and have a real conversation about her stopping the affair. But I am not going to let on that I know who it is yet. She is not the person I once knew and I can never have that same relationship with her. Maybe one day down the road..........but right now I am hurt. SO HURT that she had done this.

Sorry for how horribly I rambled and how unorganized this is.


BS Now divorced - D date 1/2010 Other History below
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Was Married 17 Years
DS age 14 now
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out. No thoughts of PLAN A again. Went into Plan B for my sanity.....
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Hi kimberly, so good to see you!! Sorry to hear about your sister. What a difficult situation. I would strongly suspect that a big part of her depression comes from her affair. People who are in affairs suffer severe depression and it sounds like this is happening to her. It is on that basis that I am going to suggest you expose her affair. Her only hope of creating a happy life with a man is ending her affair. And that is not going to happen until and unless her affair is exposed. That is where I would start.

I know you are worried about her trying to commit suicide, so I would stay with her after you expose it and give her support. if she tries to do anything, you can call 911 and get her the help she needs. But staying in an affair with a married man is a more likely death sentence. At least if you run off this rat, she will have a chance. She has no chance with him hanging around like a dirty cockroach, wrecking her life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2014
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ML-- thank you so much for the message. I was unsure who the affair was with but had my suspicions. This was validated on Sunday when we finally had a phone conversation with her. (First one since I found out). I casually used his name in the convo and she answered question and did not deny or correct me.

She claims was never in person and that they are not communicating ....I don't believe her. She had not even removed him as a facebook friend as I advised. Last night I texted her to tell her I was worried that it was not over. She told me there was no communication. A lot of back and forths... And in the end she wants to handle it herself without me as her 'crutch' (her words). I made sure between all of my pushiness that she knew I loved her.

I was on the verge of messaging the scumbag man and telling him that I knew about the affair. You advise waiting until I am with my sister? We live about two hours apart..... I will be down there for a family event the weekend after this one. But is my Dad's birthday......

The mans wife deserves better. I am getting more ticked off than hurt and want it to stop!

Hope you are doing great Melody Lane!!!

I thing about you and how you were my light when things were so dark! (And of course God was there and still is with me always!!)

Kim


BS Now divorced - D date 1/2010 Other History below
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Was Married 17 Years
DS age 14 now
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out. No thoughts of PLAN A again. Went into Plan B for my sanity.....
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
Joined: Apr 2001
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So what is your plan?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by kimberly2345
ML-- thank you so much for the message. I was unsure who the affair was with but had my suspicions. This was validated on Sunday when we finally had a phone conversation with her. (First one since I found out). I casually used his name in the convo and she answered question and did not deny or correct me.

She claims was never in person and that they are not communicating ....I don't believe her. She had not even removed him as a facebook friend as I advised. Last night I texted her to tell her I was worried that it was not over. She told me there was no communication. A lot of back and forths... And in the end she wants to handle it herself without me as her 'crutch' (her words). I made sure between all of my pushiness that she knew I loved her.

I was on the verge of messaging the scumbag man and telling him that I knew about the affair. You advise waiting until I am with my sister? We live about two hours apart..... I will be down there for a family event the weekend after this one. But is my Dad's birthday......

The mans wife deserves better. I am getting more ticked off than hurt and want it to stop!

Hope you are doing great Melody Lane!!!

I thing about you and how you were my light when things were so dark! (And of course God was there and still is with me always!!)

Kim

Talking to the affairees won't get them to end the affair. As you can see, all you get is a whole lot of denial, lies and spin. You can't "talk" people out of their affairs. That's why exposure is so effective - it helps to bring people out of the fog and inject reality. Nothing else really does that.

Your only hope of ending this affair is to expose it to (at the very least) the OM's wife. Can you find her from the OM's FB page?

Last edited by SusieQ; 03/10/16 07:06 AM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
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Originally Posted by kimberly2345
I was on the verge of messaging the scumbag man and telling him that I knew about the affair. You advise waiting until I am with my sister?

When ML was suggesting staying with your sister after exposure - she was not referring to exposing to the OM.

Confronting the affairees is not exposure...they already know they are having the affair.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B

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