It's never an accident when posters don't answer this post.

Especially when they lash out about something else, after ignoring this post.

Let me guess, your WW is not willing to do some of the items listed......

Yes, but I have given her far too much privacy over her life, and she has abused that. Tracking her will help catch things early, knowing that it WILL happen again, eventually.

No, that was the advice, I just didn't continue following it as much as I should've, as soon as the trust was established again. My mistake.

Ok, let's just drop the 3. I've lost track, that's why. There have been numerous minor ones, including inappropriate texting with other, drunk flings (that she can't even remember), probably up to 8 instances in the 12 years we've been married. It's embarrassing, and I probably seem like a I have no spine by staying with her.

Apparently, they only saw each other about once a month, only when I gave her the space, like a company party I was going to, or something. Once a month is not hard to hide.

Yes, we were friends of their family through church. They also had 2 kids. They would meet up during the day while I was at work. It lasted about 2 months before I caught them.

I don't know all of the details, nor do I want to at this point. It's usually during the day around our work schedules. I work about 45 minutes away, and she works independently and has her own business, so much more flexible.

She just started this week when the affair was exposed. She's only been dry for 2 days. I hope she can stick with it.

3 kids under 12. They do not know. Should I tell them? The baby came about 2 years after the 1st major affair. But she was always a great mom, and I've never been concerned about the kids safety. She usually drinks heavily after they're put in bed.

I've exposed them ALL! This family even KNEW about her past, and I had explicitly told him not to ever do anything inappropriate with her. That didn't help, obviously.

I don't know the overall goal, but probably to get to the bottom of the cause of her serial infidelity. She does want to rebuild the marriage, and she did stop seeing the OP after starting therapy. This was back in December.

I don't know the answer to any of these. She has just started going, but we're grasping at straws for anything which will help her issues. She knows she has a drinking problem, and knows that every time she's cheated, or even flirted over text, she has been drinking.

Yes you need to expose to your children. Haven't you read the Exposure thread?

Exposing to Children

Should I just not post - am I wasting my time?

If your wife doesn't want to do the plan, Dr. Harley can help you with recommendations that help get your wife on board. Don't just ignore the plan and the questions and whistle in the dark hoping you can find something else she'll do, because that doesn't work.

The solution is for her to stop drinking, go to female only day AA meetings, [with you] drop the therapy [a needless distraction] and drop the sex addict meetings.[high risk of finding new affair partners] Find a way that you can be together 24/7, perhaps even starting a business together. She needs to end all opposite sex relationships, ie: delete facebook, any social media.

Even with that, I seriously doubt she will stop cheating but it is your only hope.

I would also find out everything you can about her affairs. Where does she hook up with these men? How do the affairs begin? Have they been exposed to the wives? Everyone in your circle of friends and family should be told about her affairs, including your children. Surely your children have been exposed to her affairs and are very, very confused.

This is all so strange to me. Who says to his friend, "do not ever do anything inappropriate with my wife"? Under what circumstances would such a thing ever have been said? I have never heard of anything like that.

You are responding as if I said or implied anything about how spineless you are for having stayed with her. I did not, and I wish you would just stick to the answers and stop that line of defence.

What do these "up to 8 instances" consist of? You mention "drunken flings". What do you mean by a fling? How far did these go - as far as intercourse?

As far as you know, what is her first instance of an affair or a "fling" during your marriage? How long had you been married when anything first came to your attention?

Print this out and tape it to your wall. Read it every day.

I know you're trying to help, but at this time, I don't wish to relive every incident.

Why are you here if you don't want our help? Please - we have the know-how here from Dr. Harley to save marriages that need it, so if you aren't interested in that (which is the purpose of this board), please don't take up the time of helpers who could be helping those who truly want it.

Would you prefer to continue to have more d-days? More humiliation and pain? With each betrayal, your chances for recovery decrease.

Sticking your head in the sand will only make a bad situation WORSE.

We don't ask you these questions because it's fun. It's because you need as much information about your WW's straying as possible in order to plug up as many holes as you can.

Even then...you will need to watch your WW closely and never let your guard down, because serial cheats backslide and start trying to negotiate EPs that they had already agreed to.

I bet you're reliving every one of them in a never-ending nightmare even as we speak.

You'd better learn to love those nightmares, because they are your future, if you do not take a complete set of actions to change your lifestyle so that these incidents do not happen again.

We told you what to do last time, and you did not listen, and you've gone from enduring that one incident to "about 8" since you were here 5 years ago.

Welcome to your future.

Your answer doesn't make any sense because you have chosen to live in an environment where it is relived over and over again. Are you saying that old affairs are MORE traumatic than the most recent ones?

Sugarcane's question is very valid because we need to know the history of her cheating.

This is a serious question...

You have been defensive of your WW and also lashed out at posters that you describe as being "insensitive" etc.

You realize that we are not the enemy, right? That we are trying to help you?

Your WW is the one who has put your family and marriage at jeopardy, not us. I hate to be so blunt, but If you don't wake up (yes you are in a BS denial fog) and start taking this more seriously, there is going to be no marriage to save.

So, I've posted a number of times on this forum, and everyone's advice has really helped me navigate a very tumultuous marriage, which has included a number of physical and emotional affairs. What we've discovered through therapy is that, due to the way my wife received loved while she was growing up, she is a "Love" addict. I had no idea this even existed!

She has recently started attending SLAA meetings (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), and that is helping her to understand and recognize her unhealthy habits. Is there any advice on this site for spouses of love addicts? Would love to hear if anyone else has experienced this addiction as the cause of an affair, and how they handled it.

~Michael

here is you handle "lurve" addictions:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

With a serial cheater, it is recommended that you plan to never be away from her. You should align your lives so you are together 24/7. Removing the opportunity to cheat is the KEY.