Hello, everyone. I actually joined this site about 5 years ago, when my wife had her first major affair. We were both in our early 30's at the time, with 2 kids. I was completely devastate, but with the help of this site, and everyone in this forum, I was eventually able to forgive my wife and get our marriage back on track. Thank you for that!

Fast forward 4 years.... sometime earlier in 2015, my wife started drinking a lot more than normal. Her sexual drive also increased dramatically (which I know is what typically happens to most women in their mid-late 30's). And I just found out that for 9 months last year she was having sex with one of my best friends, who was also her best friend's husband.

So, now that I've exposed the affair, and lost another best friend (this is the 3rd one my wife has slept with), I'm on the road to recovery, and trying to figure out what the hell to do with my marriage. She is back to counseling, has quit drinking, is going to AA, is going to a sex and love addiction group, and is definitely going through the motions to gain back my trust and fix her issues. I'm sure I have issues as well, which is obvious due to the fact that she had to go somewhere else for sex, but I'm convinced that even if I was the perfect husband, she would've still cheated.

My issue is that she's proven that she can never be faithful, or even trusted. Why do I stay with her? We have 3 kids now, and I can't imagine making them grow up with separated parents. I feel that my wife has an addiction disease, and that people with addiction are sometimes not in control of their impulses. I do want to stay together, because other than the cheating incidents every 2-3 years, we have a wonderful marriage and an amazing family. She's my best friend and lover, and I can't imagine replacing her with anyone else.

So, my question is, under my circumstances, am I justified in monitoring my wife's phone/computer activities? She tends to communicate on FB, text, and sometimes e-mail. I've always been against this in the past, because I feel that spouses deserve their privacy, and also because sometimes you don't want to learn everything your spouses do in their spare time, as long as it doesn't harm your relationship. But, I think this time is different, because I've given her more than one opportunity to change, she's continued to be unfaithful, and if this was caught early on, then I wouldn't be where I am today.

I would love to hear from people who started tracking their spouses, and if this has worked for them or not.

Thank you!
-Michael

YES. YES. YES.

I would say that your thinking here has been part of the problem in your marriage -- you never affair proofed your marriage.

People in affair-proofed marriages check up on each other. They have complete access to each other's lives.

Privacy is a breeding ground for affairs.

Markos has never had an affair, and yet I can remotely log into his work computer whenever I feel the desire, just to see what he is doing. I check his email all the time. I pick up his phone and read his texts. And we both think that's great, because we have an integrated life and WANT to be completely exposed to each other.

That's what a healthy marriage looks like.

Anybody on here who has recovered their marriage has also given up privacy. You cannot have a good, safe marriage otherwise.

What was your posting name before?

Who all did you expose to?

She needs to be monitored 24/7. Can you be with her 24/7?

Also, please tell us what you've done from this.


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Your wife is a serial cheater. This is going to make recovery extremely difficult, more difficult than average. There is no question that complete and utter transparency is a requirement. You will need to become so integrated that one of you cannot have an affair without the other knowing immediately.

This is essential for recovery with a serial cheater.

Listen to the clips in here.

Serial Cheaters

That seems to be the consensus. My next question is, should I monitor her activities with or without her knowledge? Frankly, my wife cheating is only half the problem. The other half is catching my friends who decide that going for my wife is a good idea. She is extremely attractive, and apparently, other married men have an issue respecting our marriage, for one reason or another, even if they're great friends of mine. I'd like to be in the position to catch them as well, and I feel like if she knows about the monitoring, she'll find other means of getting around it to communicate with someone if she really wants to.

Without.

Why on earth not? Indeed, why would your spouse have "spare time" that is not spent with you?

Spouses have paid jobs, and they look after their children, and they have chores to do around the home, plus things like food shopping. The rest of the time could be called "spare time". Why wouldn't they spend the vast majority of that time with each other? What is the point of being married, if you don't?

I recommend you go read up on Dr. Harley's plans for eliminating and recovering from affairs and then come back and ask questions once you are familiar with the plan.

Get the book Surviving an Affair and read it cover to cover, and also check out Dr. Harley's other materials, such as this video:

[video:youtube]m8QKOUbosNo[/video]

What was your original posting name 5 years ago? Why didn't you learn the Marriage Builders plan back then?

These men are not your friends, and they are certainly not GREAT friends. Cut them out of your life.

I think you need to dial right back, first. This isn't altogether a problem that can be resolved by tracking your wife, important though that is.

If you were here 5 years ago, we didn't do a very good job if we didn't speak to you about living an integrated life so that neither of you would be able to have the privacy and distance that allows an affair to flourish.

How on earth has your wife managed to have 3 "major" affairs in 5 years? (And how many "minor" ones has she had?)

How has she managed to have a third affair that lasted 9 months without your knowing anything? How did she physically manage to get away to see this man?

Please also tell us the circumstances of the second one. This was with another good friend, is that correct?

How does she manage to spend time with these men, right under your and their spouses' noses? Where do they go to carry out their affairs? Do they do it in their homes, or in a hotel? Where do you believe her to be when she is in fact with another man?

If she's going to AA, she must be an alcoholic. How serious did that problem become? How long has she been dry?

How old are your kids? Do they know about these affairs, and the drinking? You must have had another baby after the first affair. How long after? If your wife was drinking heavily, and sleeping around, did you trust her to look after your kids properly?

Have you ever exposed any of these affairs? If you'd exposed the first one with your best friend, I doubt that any women would have allowed her to get close enough to their husbands for a second and third affair with your best friends to take place.

What is she doing in counselling? Does her counsellor have a strategy to change your wife's behaviour? What is the counsellor's goal - do you know? Is therapy mainly a chance for your wife to talk about her feelings, or are there specific actions devised to rebuild your marriage?

Is the sex and love addiction group women only? And again, what is its purpose? Does it have a track record in changing behaviour, and if so, by what methods? Do they recommend that your wife put herself entirely under your care, surrender all her privacy and not go out with girlfriends (much less their husbands)? It will take precautions that are more extraordinary than the standard ones posted to you above, to curb someone who has an addiction. Do they have a radical strategy to end her rampant infidelity, or again, is it a talking shop?

I think that is wonderful that you feel you have a wonderful marriage with a serial cheater because this will be your future. As long as you fully accept she will cheat [she will!] and are happy being the standby guy, then why spy? What is the point if you like being married to a serial cheater?

Michael, by the way, the problem here is not her but you because you are a classic enabler. It is so patently obvious that you don't take this seriously so how in the world could she be expected to take it seriously?

She won't ever take it seriously until you do. And it is very clear that you are an ENABLER of the worst sort.

And even if you did decide to take it seriously, she is very unlikely to come around because you have allowed her to be wayward for a very long time.

She cheats not because of a bad marriage, but because she is trolling for action. NOTHING you do can overcome that.

What do you mean, "for one reason or another"? What reasons could there possible be?

Every one of us is vulnerable to affairs, and if married people hang out with other people and flirt and drink, sooner or later there will be an affair. Also, there are a lot of people who do not respect marriage, but they are not usually married. It is a very unusual situation where a whole bunch of someone's friends do not respect their marriage. I have never heard of such a thing. What do these friend have in common that makes them hold such a view?

Do you by any chance live a swinging lifestyle, or did you in the past?

Well, you seem to accept that this is going to happen every 2-3 years. That will be an amazing number of men she'll have had sex with by the time you reach your silver wedding.

Thank you, everyone. Yes, she is a serial cheater, and I have no idea if anything she's doing (therapy, addiction groups, etc.) will actually help. I certainly have to take extreme precautions to avoid this in the future, there's no doubt.

Do you think monitoring her is going to stop it from happening?

Suppose you bust her the next time, by monitoring. What will she do then? Will she stop doing this, or will she hide it better?

Is her sex addiction group women only?

Is her AA group women only?

I doubt it'll stop her from starting something, but at least I'll be able to stop it before it turns physical, or into a long-term affair. If I bust her again, I don't think I'll tell her how I caught her.

I don't know if her groups are women only or not. Thank you for suggesting this. I'll check.

So?? Emotional Affairs, even short ones, are death blows to a marriage.

Have you got the book yet?

Have you viewed the video yet?

Have you started learning Dr. Harley's plan to eliminate and recover from affairs yet?

What was your original posting name five years ago?

You can't stop her. She has had THREE affairs already and you are not going to stop her. Just accept it. Just accept that you are the standby man. This is your future.

She has absolutely no reason to change and won't change. Welcome to your future.

Could you answer this please?

No, you can't. You haven't been able to stop 3 affairs so I can't imagine why you think you will stop her future affairs. You can't stop it. Just accept it.

So do you plan to live the next 25 years or longer busting her? Is that your strategy?

Are you aware that mixed sex addiction groups are the perfect pick-up joints?

Mixed AA groups are not much better. These are meeting places for people who have absolutely no self-control. They are addicts who can easily swap one addiction for another. These groups are lifelines where people often become over-involved, to the detriment of their marriage. Your wife is already addicted to the high that being with other men brings. Can you imagine how dangerous a mixed addiction group is for her?

Mixed gender AA groups are great resources for those who are trolling for sex.

I apologize, but I don't remember my user name back then. I had a different e-mail address, so wasn't able to log in under the same name. Wish I did. . . I had a pretty epic post the first time around.

You kanow what? Yes, that is my plan, dude. I'll be honest, the first time this happened, there were so many people on this forum who told me I needed to dump her and move on. Well, that is not the road I want to go down. We have had a really wonderful marriage for the last 5 years, and even though this has happened again, I just need to adjust and move forward. Before, I adjusted and increased my communication with her. Now I need to do the same thing and adjust in a different way. Sure, it SUCKS that I can't be married to a woman who can stay faithful to me. . . but I'm married to a woman who WANTS to be married to me, is extremely disappointed and disgusted with her actions (when she's caught), is willing to do anything to gain my trust and love back, and does truly want to spend the rest of her life with me. As soon as none of the above is true, then yes, I will bite the bullet and move on. Until then, you people who make comments like this need to be a little more sensitive, and realize that everyone has different criteria for ending a marriage, different self-esteem and strength of will, and different abilities to be able to make it through something as horrible as a cheating spouse.

I just asked her to make sure the AA group she was going to tonight was female only, and she said no. She turned around and came right back, saying "I respect that, and I'll look for one which is". Thanks for the suggestion.

Comments like what?

I asked a question. In what way was that insensitive?

I said nothing about ending your marriage in any of my posts. I don't believe you should end your marriage, and I never even hinted at that.

I also doubt that last time you were here, "there were so many people on this forum" who told you needed to dump her and move on. That is not what we do here. When you came here before, your wife had had one affair, like every case on this part of the forum. What you would have been urged to do was change your lifestyle so that your wife could not spend time with other men without your knowing it.

You have been really bad at reading what was written to you today, and you have left questions unanswered. You haven't answered my question about the mixed sex addiction group, for example. You haven't answered my questions about how your wife is able to have relationships with other men without your knowing about them, and how and where she meets up with them for sex.

There was a reason for my asking these questions, and that is, to encourage you find the giant holes in your marriage, where you do not lead an integrated life with your wife, and into which these affairs can so easily fit. The goal is for you to see where you need to change your lifestyle so that you are NOT having to bust your wife every two to three years, and where you do not end up having shared her with ten or more men by the time of your silver wedding - that is, if she hasn't run off with one of them before then.

However, since you feel your marriage is wonderful as it is, and since you are planning to live with her affairs, I don't think you need anything from Marriage Builders.

Please rest assured that Marriage Builders is not a marriage-at-any-cost program. That approach only serves to enable wayward spouses and destroys the betrayed spouse in the process.

If your wife is "willing to do anything" as you say, will she make a radical change in her behavior? Will she end all opposite sex friendships? Spend 24 hours a day with you? Stop trolling for sex? Give you full access to all of her email and cell phone accounts? Will she be willing to change her lifestyle so you work together and are together 24/7?

If not, then you would be foolish to stay with her. But if YOU will actually use Marriage Builders and hold her accountable in the way I described above, you may have a chance. Otherwise, there is nothing here to save. Staying with her would to volunteer for a death of a thousand cuts.

A serial cheater has to take a global approach to resolving the problem.

]
One affair? Naw.....

She needs to go to day meetings that include females only. You should go with her to every meeting to make sure she goes. Alcoholics are notorious about saying they are going to "meetings" and going out catting around.

Your wife being "attractive" is not the problem - the fact that she is out looking for action is the problem.

Every BH of a serial cheating wife has used this excuse on here. There are MANY "extremely attractive" wives of men out there who do not cheat. Do not excuse your WW's behavior with this nonsense.

I wouldn't be surprised if she was the aggressor in the relationships with your friends and many of the men that she ends up hooking up with, based on what I know of serial cheaters....

Agree with Susie. Your wife is trolling for action. She is open for business. I know many attractive married women. Married men aren't hitting on them unless they know they are available. Your wife is available and men know it.

All the "communication" in the world will not overcome the trolling for sex with men. Your wife is very different from the majority of cheaters in that she is out looking for action. Most cheaters aren't looking for it.

I do not believe you.

We do not advise betrayed spouses to "dump" their WS and "move on". There is a specific plan for every one who posts here - one time cheats all the way to serial cheats.

The fact that your WW continued on with her cheating ways tells me that she was resistant to implementing the basic EPs that Dr Harley recommends (such as closing FB) and that's what you would have (righfully) caught some heat about.

No, therapy will not help.

I spoke to Dr Harley about my serial cheating ex WH and he basically told me that it's a skill set...that it's something my ex WH was good at and made him feel good about himself and that it's going to be very hard to get him to stop.

You need to create a lifestyle where cheating is IMPOSSIBLE. Period.

It's never an accident when posters don't answer this post.

Especially when they lash out about something else, after ignoring this post.

Let me guess, your WW is not willing to do some of the items listed......

Yes, but I have given her far too much privacy over her life, and she has abused that. Tracking her will help catch things early, knowing that it WILL happen again, eventually.

No, that was the advice, I just didn't continue following it as much as I should've, as soon as the trust was established again. My mistake.

Ok, let's just drop the 3. I've lost track, that's why. There have been numerous minor ones, including inappropriate texting with other, drunk flings (that she can't even remember), probably up to 8 instances in the 12 years we've been married. It's embarrassing, and I probably seem like a I have no spine by staying with her.

Apparently, they only saw each other about once a month, only when I gave her the space, like a company party I was going to, or something. Once a month is not hard to hide.

Yes, we were friends of their family through church. They also had 2 kids. They would meet up during the day while I was at work. It lasted about 2 months before I caught them.

I don't know all of the details, nor do I want to at this point. It's usually during the day around our work schedules. I work about 45 minutes away, and she works independently and has her own business, so much more flexible.

She just started this week when the affair was exposed. She's only been dry for 2 days. I hope she can stick with it.

3 kids under 12. They do not know. Should I tell them? The baby came about 2 years after the 1st major affair. But she was always a great mom, and I've never been concerned about the kids safety. She usually drinks heavily after they're put in bed.

I've exposed them ALL! This family even KNEW about her past, and I had explicitly told him not to ever do anything inappropriate with her. That didn't help, obviously.

I don't know the overall goal, but probably to get to the bottom of the cause of her serial infidelity. She does want to rebuild the marriage, and she did stop seeing the OP after starting therapy. This was back in December.

I don't know the answer to any of these. She has just started going, but we're grasping at straws for anything which will help her issues. She knows she has a drinking problem, and knows that every time she's cheated, or even flirted over text, she has been drinking.

Yes you need to expose to your children. Haven't you read the Exposure thread?

Exposing to Children

Should I just not post - am I wasting my time?

If your wife doesn't want to do the plan, Dr. Harley can help you with recommendations that help get your wife on board. Don't just ignore the plan and the questions and whistle in the dark hoping you can find something else she'll do, because that doesn't work.

The solution is for her to stop drinking, go to female only day AA meetings, [with you] drop the therapy [a needless distraction] and drop the sex addict meetings.[high risk of finding new affair partners] Find a way that you can be together 24/7, perhaps even starting a business together. She needs to end all opposite sex relationships, ie: delete facebook, any social media.

Even with that, I seriously doubt she will stop cheating but it is your only hope.

I would also find out everything you can about her affairs. Where does she hook up with these men? How do the affairs begin? Have they been exposed to the wives? Everyone in your circle of friends and family should be told about her affairs, including your children. Surely your children have been exposed to her affairs and are very, very confused.

This is all so strange to me. Who says to his friend, "do not ever do anything inappropriate with my wife"? Under what circumstances would such a thing ever have been said? I have never heard of anything like that.

You are responding as if I said or implied anything about how spineless you are for having stayed with her. I did not, and I wish you would just stick to the answers and stop that line of defence.

What do these "up to 8 instances" consist of? You mention "drunken flings". What do you mean by a fling? How far did these go - as far as intercourse?

As far as you know, what is her first instance of an affair or a "fling" during your marriage? How long had you been married when anything first came to your attention?

Print this out and tape it to your wall. Read it every day.

I know you're trying to help, but at this time, I don't wish to relive every incident.

Why are you here if you don't want our help? Please - we have the know-how here from Dr. Harley to save marriages that need it, so if you aren't interested in that (which is the purpose of this board), please don't take up the time of helpers who could be helping those who truly want it.

Would you prefer to continue to have more d-days? More humiliation and pain? With each betrayal, your chances for recovery decrease.

Sticking your head in the sand will only make a bad situation WORSE.

We don't ask you these questions because it's fun. It's because you need as much information about your WW's straying as possible in order to plug up as many holes as you can.

Even then...you will need to watch your WW closely and never let your guard down, because serial cheats backslide and start trying to negotiate EPs that they had already agreed to.

I bet you're reliving every one of them in a never-ending nightmare even as we speak.

You'd better learn to love those nightmares, because they are your future, if you do not take a complete set of actions to change your lifestyle so that these incidents do not happen again.

We told you what to do last time, and you did not listen, and you've gone from enduring that one incident to "about 8" since you were here 5 years ago.

Welcome to your future.

Your answer doesn't make any sense because you have chosen to live in an environment where it is relived over and over again. Are you saying that old affairs are MORE traumatic than the most recent ones?

Sugarcane's question is very valid because we need to know the history of her cheating.

This is a serious question...

You have been defensive of your WW and also lashed out at posters that you describe as being "insensitive" etc.

You realize that we are not the enemy, right? That we are trying to help you?

Your WW is the one who has put your family and marriage at jeopardy, not us. I hate to be so blunt, but If you don't wake up (yes you are in a BS denial fog) and start taking this more seriously, there is going to be no marriage to save.

So, I've posted a number of times on this forum, and everyone's advice has really helped me navigate a very tumultuous marriage, which has included a number of physical and emotional affairs. What we've discovered through therapy is that, due to the way my wife received loved while she was growing up, she is a "Love" addict. I had no idea this even existed!

She has recently started attending SLAA meetings (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), and that is helping her to understand and recognize her unhealthy habits. Is there any advice on this site for spouses of love addicts? Would love to hear if anyone else has experienced this addiction as the cause of an affair, and how they handled it.

~Michael

here is you handle "lurve" addictions:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

With a serial cheater, it is recommended that you plan to never be away from her. You should align your lives so you are together 24/7. Removing the opportunity to cheat is the KEY.

You need to go follow the advice we gave you on your last thread.

Threads have been merged. Please stick to one thread.

Why have you merged this thread when it's a TOTALLY DIFFERENT TOPIC???? What kind of forum only limits users to one thread?

How are these threads different topics?

Your wife is a serial cheater. She is addicted to the high of affairs. Whereas some cheaters become addicted to a specific person who is meeting their needs, your wife is not addicted to a specific individual but rather the high of affairs IN GENERAL. For this reason she actively pursues affairs, one after another.

Whether you call this 'love addiction' or serial cheating, it does not change the course of action. She must live a completely transparent life that has NO ABILITY to be in an affair, or she will have another one.

That is the advice you were given before and that is the same advice you will receive now.

This is not just a forum, it is a community of people who are dedicated to helping marriages. As a community, we have long standing traditions that were built because they serve a valuable purpose. Who are you to come in a lecture us on how we do things?

The people here are not going to ignore the previous advice you have been given. Do you want help, or are you just looking to be told something different?

Please calm down. The posters here know that it's best for us to have your whole situation visible on one thread in order to give you the best help possible. We also know that people who want to split their situation out into multiple threads when they just arrived and only have 11 posts are shooting themselves in the foot.

Let us help you. Trust us.

The most common cause of depression and suicide for women and girls is their relationship with their husband or boyfriend.

So, yes, women need to be in love. And no, it's not an addiction.

And fortunately Dr. Harley is one of the only therapists in the world who can teach you how to create the feeling of romantic love. Everybody else will tell you it's not important or it's an addiction and to learn to live without it or something stupid like that.

There is overwhelming evidence that it CAN be a very real addiction, just like alcoholism. Having researched it myself, and listened to a number of other women in her SLAA meetings, I tend to believe it is.

This is supposed to be a forum for support and encouragement. This type of feedback is neither.

Michael, this forum is for guiding people to use Dr. Harley's program, which teaches couples how to fall in love. Romantic love. We're all about women needing romantic love.

Your wife needs romantic love. She needs it with you, and no one else, but you are not going to convince us that it's a bad thing for her to need it. Or be addicted to it. Or whatever.

She is a serial cheater, the two of you will need to follow very strict extraordinary precautions to make it. But those extraordinary precautions do not include not being "addicted to love."

We will not help you to try to get your wife not to need romantic love. We WILL help you to get your wife to fall in love with YOU and YOU ALONE, and build a romantic marriage that's better than anything you ever dreamed of.

Then why are you using it as a forum to argue, Michael?

Please look at the number of posts by MelodyLane's name. Please look at the date she joined. She is the very best we have to offer here and she is almost as good as talking to Dr. Harley himself.


Having talked to Dr. Harley myself, I'm convinced that wives need to be in love with their husbands. If you'd like to learn how to do that, you are in the right place, because Dr. Harley has a plan that works to do just that. We would love to help you if that's what you want to do.

Prisca, tell Michael whether or not you are addicted to me, and whether or not you think that's a good thing.

Dr. Harley says being addicted to your spouse is a good thing. This is not a forum where we help people learn to live without love. That's not Dr. Harley's approach at all. We don't do that here.

We also don't encourage people to think that their marriage can survive an affair when they don't walk the narrow path that leads to recovery.

So addicted it hurts when you're gone. Come home.

Michael, I think you might benefit from reading this thread about limerance:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2672478

There are two parts to it. I sort of got it started again and took it in a new direction around here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2672508#Post2672508

Please check it out, particularly the second part.

I'm addicted to love! I feel deliriously happy when I have it, and miserable without it.

What I don't do is take my knickers down for strangers, or focus on a man other than my husband and fall in love with him. I make it my life's work to create love in my marriage.

Your wife's addiction is no different from the feelings that many women have. The problem for her is that she seeks unhealthy ways to fulfil her craving.

She has a husband to whom, according to you, she wants to remain married. If that's the case, she needs to learn how she can fulfil her addiction solely within her marriage, and she needs not to expose herself to her weakness for other men.

In other words, she needs to follow the checklist.

What are you doing listening to women in SLAA meetings? Why do they let you in there? Are these meetings mixed sex?

Surely your wife understood and recognised that having sex outside her marriage was unhealthy. Surely she didn't find that out in these meetings.

What does SLAA recommend as a way of overcoming the behaviour - having sex with strangers?

Prisca, thank you for the sentiment, and I too am dedicated to building a marriage with romantic love. The challenge, of course, is that someone with a "love addiction" lacks the willpower to overcome their impulses, unable to maintain healthy boundaries with other men, and confuses love with physical attraction, pity, or the need to be rescued. These are just a few of the characteristics of someone with this addiction, and while it's a valid to strive for a healthy addiction of love with your spouse, there will always be the risk of her cheating unless the underlying cause of this addiction is identified.

Again, another unhelpful and non-encouraging comment. Sarcasm should have no place here.

And she is doing exactly that.

Again you are arguing with one of the most helpful posters we have. Somebody who helped me save my marriage with Prisca.

But if you really feel that a poster is unhelpful, just click "ignore" and you won't have to see them any more. Don't sidetrack your own thread by starting a debate about whether people are helpful or not. You really don't know what's helpful and what isn't, at this stage. Like all of us, you've shown up in a situation where your best thinking ruined your marriage. So sit back and listen to people who have been there and recovered, rather than arguing with everybody.

Michael, you are not going to convince us of this.
We can help you affair proof your marriage, even with a woman who is a serial cheater (if you are willing to follow all the steps). We can help you create romantic love inside of your marriage.

We will NOT help you continue to disrespect your wife's "addiction to love" as if it were some mental problem she needs to work through. We don't do that here.

You seem to be constraining your solutions by applying labels. Labels are just labels. I don't even care to count how many labels have been applied to my autistic son.

The solution for your marriage does not depend on a label. Neither will you find it helpful to use the label in constructing an alternative plan. This is because the only means available to a happy marriage is for your wife to be in love with you and for her to abide by extraordinary precautions that will make all future affairs impossible. The solution is what you do in the future, and you will never find that by dwelling on her past.

Thank goodness the MB program doesn't rely on a person's own willpower!

Please, PLEASE talk to Dr. Harley about this.

Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40+ years of experience saving marriages specializing in infidelity. But he also used to run a large chain of mental health clinics and did extensive work in addiction therapy.

Dr. Harley is quite frankly the best therapist in the world to help you guys.

Please send him an email at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Or at least read some of the helpful material he has on this site that addresses these subjects.