My husband is running off with our nanny, wants a divorce. I can't convince him to try and fix us. She is desperate to please so that she can stay in the country and get a visa. He doesn't understand that her desperate one-sided giving won't last and isn't the basis of a relationship. He refuses to try and fix us. He says he doesn't have time to work on our relationship, disability from multiple sclerosis is creeping up on him and he needs to have his last moment of fun. He can't seem remember what it was like before she came and he fell out of love, before we got distracted by kids, and illnesses and disabilities that required us to hire her in the first place. I understand what I did wrong, but he won't give me a chance to fix it. And the worst part is, even if I can manage to let him go emotionally, he is disabled, so I have to pay him alimony forever. His fling may be short term but his life expectancy is probably another 30 or 40 years during which he will be wheel chair bound. He needs significant money for health costs, which he currently gets for free through my work and now I have to pay for it through a second policy. I get to work all hours for the rest of my life to pay for their momentary fun and a long stretch of disability. Our kids will suffer from the divorce, and also from the resultant poverty. Help!

Hi lostinNM, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. When is he leaving? When did the nanny leave?

They left yesterday. I discovered their relationship had become close and I demanded they separate and she leave. Way too late -I should have done this much earlier but I was bed bound with a back condition and couldn't do anything for a while. My husband supported me at first in asking her to leave and we went on MB together and discussed how we can fix things. But then I had to go on a business trip (another stupid thing to do in retrospect.) I return to find them moved out together. They are staying with his mother who thinks this is a great idea and is helping them. She is a strange irrational person who has nursed a passive aggressive grudge against me for a long time because I once lost my temper and I've never been able to mend things with her. This is a 16 year marriage we've followed each other though thick and thin, and we have two young daughters.

Uhm, if she doesn't have a visa to be in the country, why not just report her to immigration?

She is legally in the country for another summer, then has to leave. It's complicated.

Was her J-1 visa arranged by an agency? If so you can report her. Tell them you had to fire her and why.

You mean - you've been on the radio show? When was this?

Have you been on this forum before? Your story sounds familiar.

If the kids are with you, she has no job. Send a termination to her and immigration.

"As you have Not arrived for work since 3/x/16, you are hereby terminated from your position."

Where are the kids? Go get them if they aren't home.

We went to MB to read the articles - we haven't been on the radio show.
The great news- he is back and now we have a chance to fix us! It's a delicate moment in our relationship and it will take everything I can muster to fix us.

The OW's visa was originally J-1 when she was our au pair/nanny. Then she left, and came back as a grad student. We let her live with us while she attended school and she was another adult around the house to share chores when my husband and I were both so disabled that there were some days we could barely put a meal together. During that period is when things went south and my husband became attracted to her. At that point, we couldn't 'fire' her. She is not working for us - she is a student, and she still has time in the US on her OPT. I don't' know if we can revoke our sponsorship of her student visa. I think the responsibilities are all one way - we agreed to see her through her graduate school. Now she graduated her masters program, and has some time under OPT visa, I believe it is 6 months, to do work related to her education. Meanwhile I recovered from my 3 year long back injury and I'm trying to put my life back together and rebuilt the marriage I neglected. Great news though - my husband recommitted to us and we plan to spend the next week doing nothing but working on us.

So your WH is back? Where is OW living? Still with his mom? Will your WH agree to no contact and EPs?

Who has the affair been exposed to?

Have you seen an attorney about the immigration issues? Generally, her interference in your marriage would be considered a valid reason to terminate your responsibility to her. It may depend on the state, but you should look into it. Frankly, if you can get the OW deported, that would be ideal

Thank you everybody so much for your help. My husband came back to me the next day. We recommitted to each other. Reading all the articles on this site has helped us to understand the destructive habits we had gotten into and why we drifted apart and we are working on fixing them! But the next day my mother-in-law came into the house (she has the combo to our door) and tried to lure my husband back to the OW. She thinks I am 'bad' for my husband because of the way we argued and didn't love each other recently. She also hopes that OW, who is Chinese, would let her live in as a Chinese mother-in-law, in a way that didn't work for us. She thinks that the gentle family life we've been leading with each other in this small town his keeping my husband from his ambitions and potentials as an entrepreneur in silicon valley. I learned that she had been instrumental in enabling my husband to leave me, for that day. And clearly she doesn't understand what a divorced life entails when you have young children. So she came in and insisted she needs to talk to us. I told my mother-in-law that I wasn't comfortable talking to her right now because she just tried to break our marriage. My husband told his mother that he has decided to commit to me and she needs to leave off. Mother-in-law started yelling 'I have rights as a mother. My son has to come out of this house and talk to me now'. My husband refused. Then she started screaming horrible things about me. I told her she needed to leave the house or I'd call the police. She didn't leave. I called the police. Our children meanwhile were on the floor, crying and screaming themselves, with their hands over their ears. The police came and escorted her out. The police explained to her that her son is nearly 40, he makes his own decisions and he's been married for 16 years. Then the next day I learned that my husband's brother listened to his mother, and he is also concerned that my husband is being 'limited', that he shouldn't be living with me in this small town, and my husband shouldn't be 'running around after me' due ot my back injury (which is now solved in any case and I'm back on my feet). We both talked to him but he sounds unconvinced. I mean, what is wrong with these people? My husband wants this life, he has said so repeatedly. I have made the effort and the offer to go back to silicon valley several times and my husband didn't want to. He's told me repeatedly that he's done with working 120 hour weeks and he wants a family life. I didn't leave my husband when he developed a permanent and advancing disability and he didn't leave me when I developed back issues three years ago. I don't know how to get through to his family the concept of commitment and the value of marriage, and the fact that my husband is actually capable of making his own decisions. So, here we are. Back together, but with extended family issues.

My husband gave me his phone to hide, he changed to a different phone number and email. He wrote a final email to OW, following the template on this site. She wrote back "I understand and respect your decision." So if she shows up again I guess we can talk to an immigration attorney. Right now I don't know where she is.

lost, you are in luck, because the MB program requires that nothing is done without the enthusiastic agreement of you BOTH. That means that you have nothing to do with these marriage wrecking family members until they APOLOGIZE and agree to keep their snouts out of your marriage. Neither one of you should have anything to do with them until you are enthusiastic about that contact. If you need some back up, email Dr Harley and he will back you up.

Does she have a way to contact him? If so, that is a huge gaping hole that must be closed. I would go ahead and contact an immigration attorney NOW so she can - hopefully - be kicked out. Did you inform her employer so she doesnt pull this again?

Thank you so much for your advice. OW's OPT is with our children's school, which is completely horrible. Next week the boss will be back and I can speak to her.

In the mean time though I snooped� and discovered that WH had gone back to his old email and written OW a much more gentle goodbye note, one that makes my blood boil just reading it. Now what? Do I confront him? Doesn't that remove love points just as we are rebuilding our fragile relationship? Probably I can never cut off communication - WH is sophisticated and the number of communication channels on the internet is infinite. Meanwhile MIL is writing WH and claiming I am keeping him "chained "and I am horrible wife, not subservient enough, on and on. WH is rejecting her, but these words surely poison our relationship and right now imperil my ability right now to confront him about snooping without driving us apart again.

Looked into immigration law but there is no rule that lets us kill her immigration status.

Yes there is. Having an affair with a married parent of one of the children in the school is grounds for dismissal. She is not in the union and so this will be very easy. Go directly to the Head of School. Once she is dismissed for cause, her OPT will terminate and her passport marked as 'visa cancelled with prejudice'. That is what you need because she will never be able to set foot in the country again.

Rather than confront your H.....keep snooping.

Knowledge is power.

If he learns about your snooping channels, he will find ways to hide things even deeper from you.

Contest the divorce and do not sign the papers without delaying as much as possible. please seek legal advice, there is no way you should just roll over and make this easy for him.

I'm not sure how your financials are, with savings etc, but I have known some people in similar situations to resign from their job while the divorce is going on and for a while after. It depends on where you live and the best thing is to see an attorney.

Have you exposed his affair?

Have you told his family? friends? Affairs thrive in secrecy so expose and the reaction he gets from those others may give him something to think about.

All of these holes need to be closed. Any possible avenue needs to be closed and/or monitored. Even if it means that he goes to a flip phone and you are the only person who has access to the internet. You could shut down the internet during the day and it can only come on when you are home. You need to figure this out. So yes, you MUST cut off communication avenues together or you will never be safe.


I would ask him to cut off communication with her altogether. Ask him to send her a letter telling her that there will be no contact until she apologizes to you and agrees to stop being a marriage wrecker. He needs to protect you from his destructive, hateful family. If you need help with this, you can email Dr Harley at the radio show and enlist his help.

I just read that he's back. What a terrible MIL you have. She is toxic, how very nasty. Supporting the destruction of your marriage and not thinking about her granddaughters....unbelievable.

Maybe you need to move....but far far away from your MIL.

Definitely speak to the head-teacher at the school.

I had previously posted in 'affairs'. Now we're getting divorced -he left me three weeks ago for OW. He immediately started living with her and is planning to marry her. OW is our former "nanny" who had been living with us for 5 years as WH and I both had injuries/disabilities and young kids. (Yes I was stupid and excessively trusting). I'm now completely better from my injury, but he is getting steadily worse with a degenerative disease.

Plan B is not working because we have young kids. We communicate a lot and see each other roughly weekly to coordinate their care and the details of the divorce. When the kids are at one house they FaceTime with the other of us, so we see each other and each others' lives that way too. We are going to visit a child psychologist who wants to see us together. Is this bad? I don't actually mind. I'm just numb when I see him. I feel like I have to be 'amicable' so that he and OW don't 'steal' the children from me or alienate them from me - a real danger because the kids love both him and OW. At the same time I feel like I have to actually encourage him to be with OW because otherwise MIL would come to take care of him and she is horrible, and will definitely try to steal the children off to another country and/or tell them bad things about me, as she has in the past. I'm trapped in this situation by these obscene laws that insist on joint custody, clearly designed by sadists. My lawyer says I can't argue for sole custody because his disability isn't severe enough - even quadriplegics get joint custody in this state. I am very angry at what he did, I cry myself to sleep every night but when I see him I feel nothing. Luckily I haven't had to see her - I don't what would happen if I had to. So we're not really doing plan B. Is this bad? Ultimately everything pales compared to my fear of losing the children, who are all I left of my broken family, and I will do anything to save them and my relationship with them including having to see him, and her and being 'amicable'.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Has your WH actually filed for divorce?

You need to stop being a doormat and afraid...no one is going to steal your children off to another country.

Alot of huge issues here. First off, being in contact with him is completely inappropriate and will have very damaging effects on your mental and physical health. The REASON that Dr Harley recommends Plan B in 3 weeks is because women have nervous breakdowns and psychosomatic illnesses from direct contact. There is absolutely no reason you should not go into a dark Plan B.

I think it is also disgusting that you are allowing your children to be around your H's adultery partner with full exposure to his affair. You are helping him teach your children that wrong is right. I would shut that down immediately and insist they not be exposed to his filthy affair. I cannot begin to imagine the moral confusion your children feel right now.

Keep your MIL out of your lives.

Have you told your children about the affair?? How old are they?

The children were told that their nanny would become their step mom! This is completely awful but how do I stop it practically speaking? The law is on his side. The law says anyone can get divorced - I can't contest the divorce, I can only contest the terms of the divorce. We live in a no fault state - his affair means nothing, the law says he gets half the money and at least 1/3 time with the kids. I can't stop him from getting married, and unless there is abuse or drug use, I can't keep him from the children or from joint custody. I looked up previous case law where judges ruled that the ex-wife has no grounds to keep the children from the nanny (husbands' new girlfriend) because clearly the nanny a good caregiver - the ex-wife hired her in the first place and kept her on. The whole thing is sick and the law and the whole structure of society is set up to encourage it.

It's totally confusing to the kids (5 and 8. They don't understand any more what marriage means any more and they are completely confused why he pledged to me in a 'renewal of the vows' ceremony one day, and then left me for her two days later.

Meanwhile all his divorced relatives are encouraging him or consoling him - after all they did it too.

I have a police report I am using as grounds to prevent the children from seeing MIL. That's the only consolation!

NM is a mixed fault state. You can file or counterfile citing adultery and abandonment...and it is taken into consideration for custody.

Has your WH actually filed for divorce or not?

The kids have three citizenships each... MIL comes from another country where all her and his relatives live, so she or he could take the kids there. It would be illegal. But I looked it up - it happens and most kids aren't recovered in such situations. I can hide the passports. They'd have to commit forgery to get the kids new US passports but they may be able to pull off getting the kids their foreign passports. MIL always liked to tell us how much better it is in her/his home country, and the health insurance is so much better for his disabilities. So it's very scary. I feel like I'm a hostage here. I've reached out to his foreign relatives to tell them in a gentle way what happened, to at least get my story out first and keep that communication open in case I could need their help getting the kids back in the future.

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You disallow him to take the kids around his adultery partner. I would tell him in writing that the kids are not to be exposed to his adultery partner. Then have your lawyer get this put in your papers. When you ask you lawyer, he will say it can't be done, but IT CAN. Almost every person here had this put in their papers. Your lawyer needs to use this as a bargaining chip.


Of course it is when you surrender.


They are confused because you haven't told them what happened. The kids need ot know that their dad is committing adultery with skanky and that she has helped break up their family. Your kids instinctively KNOW something is wrong, but if you don't validate this, they will assume their instincts about right and wrong are INCORRECT.

If you don't teach them right from wrong, your husband and his hoe will teach them that wrong is right.


You can't help that.

Also, did you report the OW to the nanny agency so she gets deported?

And this is the case in even no fault states. In Texas, adultery is taken into account in custody and property division.

It sounds to me like you need to buck up here and start fighting for you and your kids. Handing your kids over to the adulterers IS NOT PROTECTING YOUR KIDS. Who will protect them if you won't? NO ONE.

What does "in a gentle way" mean? Can you explain in straightforward language?

Third time...


Please answer.

No, he hasn't filed yet.

Then why in the world are you doing any of the things you are doing? You can be in Plan B and not let him have visitation if your kids are being brought around his ho. If he wants a divorce so bad he can file. Stop enabling his foolishness and delusions.

There is no divorce filing and no court order. I hope you have cut him off financially. You should protect your assets and children. You have not been doing that.

Are you more interested in being perceived as "amicable" than you are protecting yourself and your children? It is not virtuous to sacrifice your well being and the well being of your children on the alter of their father's destructive affair. Your first obligation is to protect your children and protect yourself emotionally, physically and financially. YOU ARE NOT DOING THAT.

I would put aside these delusional notions of "amicability" and start taking care of your family.

I appreciate the points of view here. In a different society this would be the right thing to do. In this society, unfortunately, the law is clear. I have seen too many friends try to take the fighting route, and they end up giving all the money the saved for their children to lawyers, while the children become alienated from the at least one parent, and then go on drugs or become depressed. Usually the parent who gets resented by the children is the one who is bad-mouthing or trying to keep them from the other parent. Handling the divorce like adults is the best situation for the kids. But it is very hard, and frankly the current law is stupid not to treat adultery as a crime.

One of my acquaintances spent $200,000 fighting for sole custody, and then her ex stole the kids to another state. The judge ruled (probably in exhaustion after such a long fight) that although the ex was wrong to take the kids, in the end it was best for the children if the ex just keeps them and everybody stops the interminable fighting.

I appreciate your point of view, but then...I am not sure what you want from us.

Being an enabler is not adult behavior, though. It is short sighted and sets a horrendous example for your children. I am confused about what you want from us. If you feel you want to enable a bad situation, that is your prerogative, but I don't see how we could be of help in that regard.

Here you need to read this How to Plan B Correctly

And this Exposing to Children

Any updates, Lost? How are things going?