I have found out that my husband has been having an affair for two or more years and we have started reading Surviving an Affair together. I have asks some questions about the affair and I get it in small doses but I don't believe he is telling the truth and it is making me crazy. Like was the affair going on why I was pregnant? He says no and relations took place four months after my third child was born. I guess if he is lying about these details what else don't I know that I should? What questions should I ask?

The other question I have is; His best mate offered a room for the mistress to move into when she got kicked out of her own home and it was a safe haven for the affair to continue for the two plus years, those that new and supported the unfaithfulness including family that lied for him, how am I meant to deal with them? because right now I don't want to ever see them again, the endured turmoil could have ended so much sooner.

Hi hickstt, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your husband should sit down and answer all your questions truthfully in one last discussion. After you have all the facts it should not be brought up again.

The "friends" and family who knew about and condoned the affair should be cut out of your lives entirely. They are enemies of your marriage.

Has the affair been exposed to everyone on your side and the OW's side? Did you inform her family? Has all contact ended between the OW and your H? How close does he live and work to the OW?

Where do you stand on this checklist from Survivng an Affair?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Ask him to take a polygraph to prove that he is telling the truth and to help EARN back your trust. A WH who is serious and committed to recovery will do whatever it takes.


Waywards love to try to sweep things under the rug. It is up to you to drive the recovery bus and to insist on implementing all the EP's...to keep you interested in the marriage. Otherwise, you are investing in a marriage still at risk for affairs or a restart of this affair.

Does your WH work with this OW? Does he still hang with his so called "best mate" and expect you to suck it up?

This is the last chapter we read two days ago. His father had knowledge of the affair when it started and told him to stop it and my husband told him to say out of his life but kept it secret from me, despite many phone calls to him telling him that his son had become very abusive to me and my children and asking for help, they said nothing, "its a ten year itch," his father said. All his family new except his mother and said nothing. People that we do business with all new, it was common knowledge to everyone but me.

I called his mother yesterday afternoon and told her. His parents split up for the same reason. The father engaged in an affair with a family friends wife and their marriage ended. His father choose to be with the other woman and is still with her today. When I got home and told him that I had spoken to his mother he was disappointed, he then called her later in the evening and is not talking to me today. I have to say I feel better today and her support was welcome.

None of my family know and my reluctance is that I come from a Greek family and I guess it is self preservation of self esteem for me. The only other people I have spoken to is my doctor and the other woman's husband. His mother is coming over on the weekend and my husband says he does not want to be here when she comes. I know I have to tell my mother, (she looks after my 2 year old on Mondays and stays overnight) and see more turmoil ahead for my husband and disappointment from my mother because she thinks the world of him.

My husbands best friend opened his home up to my husband and the mistress, I fear this relationship will not be dissolved and know that he talks to him regularly,(his wife left him because he was very abusive to her).

We are working through this check list. I now have access (to what I know of) possible ways to communicate, I am aware that he deletes messages sent from him best friend because he says I would find them offensive and he does not leave his phone in the open so I don't know what incoming calls he receives, but do get his phone bill.

My husband is a owner operator truck drive, so it gives him a lot of freedom and the option for working for an employer is something that has been discussed but he does not seem keen on the idea. The man we bought it off; it was his wife that my husband had the affair with. I would like it sold but I don't know if he will do this. The mistress was kicked out by her husband when discovered and they continued the affair. She left her 25 year marriage, home and children and chose to continue the affair. This is when things went from bad to worse for me and I intended to leave the marriage anyway because I was an emotional wreck and my health had deteriorated and the kids where also being mistreated. I still had no knowledge of the affair at this time. The mistress moved away but believe she is back in town. He says he has not talked to her and she has his number blocked anyway. Overnight separation has stopped, he still draws cash out of the bank but it is much less. This I find frustrating because his father has the opinion that it is his money and he can spend it however he wishes. So we are still working on this. My husbands father is wealthy and mine is not and his father is probably protecting his money from me, (married 10 years, three children). Any good fortune that was give to my husband by his dad, thousand of dollars, was spent on himself. I never had a wedding or honeymoon because his dad said it was a waste of money, yet he had a second wedding.

I don't know if the marriage will work at the end of this program because there are many issues. One of which is his loyalty is to his father and not to me. His father does not have any respect for me and talks to me badly, he has cut me out of the family trust behind my back and my husband supported these choices. Despite his father saying sorry and I have forgiven him many times, it seems to repeat itself and I have chosen to cut him out of my life but not my husbands or children's. We have agreed to work though this book which he bought and see where it takes us. I guess my next step is telling my mum?

I would start by exposing the affair to all of these folks. In addition, the affair should be exposed to the OW's family. It helps NO ONE, most especually your husband for you to keep this a secret. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable and give you support. Your family needs to know so they can support you. Of course your family will be disappointed. That is a natural reaction.


He should have nothing to do with this friend. You need to be very assertive about ending this relationship with this piece of crap.


Your husband is in luck because all of those deleted messages can be retrieved using software called Wondershare Mrfone. You have a right to see everything on his phone. Hiding texts from you is a dealbreaker. There can be NO secrets in order to recover your marriage. I would install some secret spyware so you know everything without his knowing.


If his job allows him to conduct his affair, then he needs to find a new job.

You have many obstacles here but if he will make a radical change in his lifestyle, you have a chance. If not, you should separate from him very soon. If he won't make these changes, I promise you are looking at your future.

Your mother can handle the truth. It is the deception that hurts the most including you allowing her to believe that your WH is someone he is not. You need her support. Your WH can redeem himself if he makes the choice to change his life around.



The fact that your WH still considers that man to be a friend and is still in contact with him is offensive.

I guarantee you that OW is still pursuing your WH behind your back. It is up to your WH to take the steps to insure that OW cannot contact him again. To say that OW has him blocked is meaningless.

Your WH is trying to sweep things under the rug and is gaslighting you.

Be strong and also be aware that you will not recover until your WH decides to make radical changes to protect you and the marriage.

My husbands mother is coming over on the weekend and I told her about the affair. As expected he was upset and I notified him that I would be telling my mother as well. He does not want to see his mother when she comes and is going to run away to his fathers house. I know it would be best for him to face them but I know he won't. How long is he expected to hide from them?

I think the affair friendship started when I was pregnant and the act shortly after my son was born. This makes that affair nearly 3 years, he only acknowledges it being about two years. Does this detail really matter or am I obsessing, it upsets me to know that he is possibly lying. We have tried to discuss the affair many times and he does not want to talk about it. I just want to get this step out of the way but, running away from his problems is a general theme and so is Dad saving him when he has done wrong. Should I ask his Dad to tell him to face his mother or not force him and let it takes it course and let him do it when he is ready?

Never heard of a grown man hiding from hims momma. Maybe he needs to grow a pair?


I wouldn't do anything other than hand him a pacifier. Honestly, I have never heard of a grown man behaving like this. How old is this boy?

If I were his mother I would be SO ASHAMED.

My husband is 40 year old. His father has been controlling him most of his life and making decisions for him. His father also still holds resentment for his mother and instilled values which have no place in a marriage. His father loves being the hero and public lets everyone know how much he does for his family. But fails to realize that his wealth is also built on the efforts of his family working along side him 6 days a week 12 hours a days. And when you get paid for your efforts its a gift, forget that we worked for it.
His mother however does have the right values and will not sugar coat anything.
Should I just let him face her when he is ready?

We go by "actions" here and your WH actions say that he is not serious. He will not get serious until YOU get serious.

My FWH acted much like yours. I ended up with a second dday and that was even more tramatic then the first to find that he was still deceiving me despite his lip service. That is where you are headed.

I had to get serious and my FWH had to see that I was serious before he made the choice to stand up. I gave him my list of conditions (EP's) which would keep me interested in the marriage.


You need to add: (to the checklist Melody posted)

a polygraph
NC for life with scumbag mate and father
sell the truck
anything else you feel that you need.

You can do this. Don't sign up for a death of a thousand cuts.

I would plan to separate from him if stays in touch with his father and stays away over night. Let him know that is not acceptable. That should be a deal breaker.

I spoke to his mother. Our life stories were the same with great accuracy, (truck, fairlane, neglect, not part of the decisions, affair) and with his dad controlling his life it was like a freight train. He does not see by his dad making the decision that impacted our lives. Not only was I working a full time job, I had to look after three children and do truck bookkeeping which took time away from us and doing a degree. I was probably left with a few hours sleep and then the affair started four months after my third child.

I cannot confirm if they are still talking. He does not want to see his mother ever again. In his mind sharing her story with me has ended our marriage. So I said if you cannot see your mother, you give me reason to believe that it is still going on. So he is moving out and I feel that it is over. He has not grown up, will run to his father when things don't go his way.

My only regret is that I know my kids love there dad and our family is destroyed and it is unlikely that it can be put back together not because of the affair but because he has not grown up. Does he not love them enough to face his mother?

His father has a narcissistic personality and it is the reason for our marriage breakdown. I was the third wheel in the marriage. And he has grown up with his dad and developed the incorrect values, separate bank accounts, my money is mine, your not my mother (no flowers on mother day), forgotten birthdays. I am writing this and I think what the hell am I doing, trying to save a marriage for my children. Yes I do love him but I don't think anything is going to change, we are only up to chapter 6 in the book, we still can't get past the start line. I told his mother more than a week ago, is his anger part of the exposure, for how long?

This is typical wayward blame shifting. Of course the marriage ending has nothing to do with you telling his mother about his affair or sharing stories. That is ridiculous.

Anger over exposure is a good thing because it means you hit a nerve and your WH really does have a good moral compass and is aware that his actions are wrong. The problem is that he is not ready to take accountability and to change his lifestyle to redeem himself and rebuild the marriage.


You give his father too much credit for your WH's bad behaviour. Your WH knows full well the hurt from his father's behaviour and is fully capable of making the choice to not be that person. Why do you think he doesn't want to see his mother?



Has he actually moved out or is he still at home getting his needs met by you and the kids?

Sometimes it takes a big dose of reality for people to change. Sometimes even that is not enough.

You cannot control your WH's choices but you can control your own life and how you will be treated.

It is awesome that his mother is putting pressure on the affair! You have made the affair worse for him by exposing to his mother. Keep up the good work.

He collected his clothes today and I have told him that unless he faces his mother I don't want him back in the house. He said he will do it when he is ready. I told him that it will be to late when your ready and I'm tired of waiting for you to be ready. Everyone has to ask once and I am a broken record, I am not a priority in your life and I need to get that through my thick head and stop lying to myself. When will I ever be important in your life to remember and the answer is never. I left the house while he collected his clothes and he did not want to see the kids because he said it would be to hard for him and blames others for his choice. And I just said if you still think that, you have not learnt one thing.

He believes that his mum discussing the his parents affair (that his father denies) lead us to the point where we are now and never wants to see her again. Because his father did it to his mother and his father lies about the details of his affair. I think he would have a hard time lying to his mother, but he can get away with lying to his father. His dad and I have a love hate relationship. He cannot control me and does not pay my wages, but he gave us money for our home and it is forever being thrown in my face, "just remember who gave you your start in life." What we worked for ten years if it was a gift, I have no idea.

I think you are getting a bit sidetracked, here. What is needed to recover your marriage? Simply put - the establishment of extraordinary precautions that make this and any future affair essentially impossible, total transparency that makes a secret second life impossible, and the re-establishment of a romantic marriage that meets the most important emotional needs of both of you. That is where your concentration needs to be if recovery is a sincere goal of yours. Dragging inlaw conflicts into the process complicates things. It does not directly address the primary concerns, and it lowers the overall probability that your marriage will recover.

I suggest you remove the inlaw issue from your list of demands and concentrate on what really matters.

I got a text message from the mistress husband saying that they are still taking and dates that she was in town. My husband was doing a truck trip around that time and did not put me on speaker in the truck. He led me to believe that he called his mother and was outside for half an hour (they day I told his mother). His mother called me the next day saying she had not heard from her son. He says he was not talking to anyone. I don't know if the code is he rings her and she does not pick up and he returns the call so it does not show on his phone account. This was another reason I asked him to leave. I don't know the truth or a lie anymore.


Anything I have asked my husband to do, I have to wait until he is ready, after everyone in front of me and my kids. He cannot even put me in front of his own needs. My son is still waiting for him to sit with him to put a model bike together that he bought nine months ago, I have been asking for him to fix the fence around the house for three years. I asked him to get an STD test and he said she has been married for 20 years. Yet, his mate needs to drill holes in the their back yard and he is there with the truck, backhoe in a day.

I need him to see his mother to show me that the affair is over because I know he cannot lie to her and that he can actually put what I want before his own. He says he misses his family but perhaps that does not include me because I have never been important enough to remember, this has been going on long before the affair. Because he would not help me, I have been carrying it all myself and I don't like who I have become. He know that once he see her that he can come home but he says he will do it when he is ready. If it were me I would be in the car in a heart beat. It is something I have asked him to do for me.

Right now he is requesting the phone number of where the text message came from because it is not from the mistresses husband phone and he want to contact them for spreading lies and is very angry. This could be damage control and there could be some truth in what they say?

If there is not truth in it, why waste time with it?

Are you reading our posts to you? Of course his affair is still active because he has a lifestyle that supports affairs. The OW's husband just called and told you this.

What you must do is affair proof your marriage. If he won't do that, then you should separate from him and go into Plan B. He should not be ABLE to have contact with the OW, however that is achieved. If you are together 24/7 then he can't cheat.

I would stop getting hung up on drama on focus entirely on affair proofing your marriage by removing the environment that led to the affair. His life should be so transparent that it will be impossible for him to cheat.