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Today was my 16th wedding anniversary and my husband spent it at another woman's house and he is still there. I am so depressed and trying to finish with school (graduate next month). This weekend I found out he was with another woman and he agreed to work on the marriage, but refused to give up contact with the other woman saying he had no else to talk to. I do not have anyone to talk to myself and we both live very hectic lives I am in school full time and work parttime. He is in school fulltime and works full time. He spent the night at her house a few times and sneaks off with her. When I confront him he denies it and has started hiding his cell phone. But when he went to the bathroom I saw it and was telling her he was really into and she said she felt the same. I blew up and was so angry. We talked this weekend and agreed to work on the marriage, but I said it would be very hard to do with her in the picture. I have finals in the next few days and I cannot even think about school even though I need to pass these classes to graduate. On top of that a close relative is very sick and that is just adding to the stress. He has spent the night over the woman's house twice and is currently spending our 16th anniversary with her, but claims he has not touched her at all. I have been through his side through everything and he is acting very weird towards me. Refusing to answer my phone calls or texts, he has not touched me in weeks. He claims that I did not want to agree to marriage counseling this weekend, I told him I that but I wanted to wait until after finals week. I want to do marriage counseling and I told him that today over the phone. But he claims he needs to think. Our lease is up at the end of the year and I am thinking about suggesting counseling for 6 months and if it does not work out then get a divorce. But I do not want a divorce, but my heart is aching terribly. He just told me earlier this month that he was so happy we got married. Last month we were planning a trip to celebrate our anniversary. But now he claims he has been unhappy for a long time. If that is the case why did he not tell me earlier. I have an exam tomorrow and I all of this has been causing me not to study. I don't know what to do, at some points I lash at him and other times I want to be with him. To top it all off this other woman talks about how she is such a Christian woman and goes to bible study. I wonder if bible tells her it is okay to sleep with a married man.

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He claims the other woman is an extraordinary woman and such a great friend. He never said I was an extraordinary woman. He has been sneaking taking her out to dinner and I need some guidance. Trying to find a marriage counselor and yes we have 3 daughters. I feel so defeated and no matter what he acts like this woman is just perfect. I want to tell him of course this is all new and she will be show her best face. I am so depressed and trying to make sense of everything. I called a crisis hotline center and am so depressed. I want to find a marriage counselor we can talk to face to face. But I am interested in Dr. Harley. I do not want to lose my marriage. I am so sorry for not including this in my initial post.

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Welcome to MB, lovinlife.

Pack his things into a bag, put it on the doorstep, and change the locks.


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Put a Plan B letter in the bag. It should read like this:

Sample Plan B letter, from the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley and Dr Jennifer Chalmers (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.


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It does not sound as if you have dependent children, so Plan B should be easy. Plan B involves removing yourself from the harm that the affair is causing to your health and state of mind. You have said you do not want a divorce, and Plan B is ideal for that situation. It allows you to have no contact with your husband until the affair ends, but it tells him that you are willing to consider reconciling with him if the affair ends and he is willing never to have contact with her again, changing job and moving, if that's what no contact will take.

Plan B is not a threat of divorce. Please read the article I linked, to see Dr Harley's explanation of what Plan B is, and what it is designed to achieve.

An essential element of Plan B is that you cut off all direct communication between you and your husband. That letter tells him that you do not want to hear a word from him until he has ended his affair. This means you need to provide him with a means of indirect contact for urgent messages. This means you need to find a friend who will act as an intermediary.

If you do have dependent children, you need to make arrangements for them to see him without your seeing him, and you might need to see a lawyer to get a financial agreement in place.

Please read this thread on How to Plan B correctly, and this one, that describes the Intermediary's job. Show that thread to your Intermediary to ensure that he or she really understands the role.


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FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Who is this OW? Is she married? Have you exposed the affair and told your 3 daughters?

How did he meet this OW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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OW is a single mom. I have not exposed the affair to my daughters but they have started asking questions about why daddy is out so late and coming in so early in the morning. He came home at 5:30 am and admitted to me that he had feelings for her and claims he just kissed her. But that is some nonsense. I have been crying all day. My world seems like it is crashing all around me I can not think of anything. My nerves in my stomach. I have no appetite and have not drank hardly anything. He claims he loves me and wants to make the marriage work, but the only way I see it working is getting rid of OW. She goes to bible study and says she is a Christian. I go back and forth between wanting to end the marriage or stay in the marriage. I do have her cell phone number and I know where she takes a college course.

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Sorry I cannot fully describe how I feel, the only thing that I can relate it to was when a very close relative died 10 years ago.

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Have you exposed his affair to your family and friends, his family and friends and her family and friends? If not, do it immediately but do not tell him you are doing it. Also, if she goes to bible study, find out which church and notify the pastor and whoever leads the bible study.

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Umm...are you going to respond to my posts?


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Ma'am, are you going to read the posts?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
It does not sound as if you have dependent children, so Plan B should be easy. Plan B involves removing yourself from the harm that the affair is causing to your health and state of mind. You have said you do not want a divorce, and Plan B is ideal for that situation. It allows you to have no contact with your husband until the affair ends, but it tells him that you are willing to consider reconciling with him if the affair ends and he is willing never to have contact with her again, changing job and moving, if that's what no contact will take.

Plan B is not a threat of divorce. Please read the article I linked, to see Dr Harley's explanation of what Plan B is, and what it is designed to achieve.

An essential element of Plan B is that you cut off all direct communication between you and your husband. That letter tells him that you do not want to hear a word from him until he has ended his affair. This means you need to provide him with a means of indirect contact for urgent messages. This means you need to find a friend who will act as an intermediary.

If you do have dependent children, you need to make arrangements for them to see him without your seeing him, and you might need to see a lawyer to get a financial agreement in place.

Please read this thread on How to Plan B correctly, and this one, that describes the Intermediary's job. Show that thread to your Intermediary to ensure that he or she really understands the role.

We have 3 daughters and we live in an apartment with a lease. We have no family in the immediate area, but some family about 5 hours away. I have been reading so much information and I have completely lost trust in my husband.

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I am still reading my posts, just so much going on I step away for a few hours as I just break down and cry.

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I feel like an emotional crying wreck. Like I just got hit with a train.

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Can you pack up and go move in with your family?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have to wait until the semester is over. Now he is claiming he wants to see how our marriage counseling goes to tell OW he wants nothing to do with her. He is talking about waiting until waiting after the first session.

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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
I have to wait until the semester is over. Now he is claiming he wants to see how our marriage counseling goes to tell OW he wants nothing to do with her. He is talking about waiting until waiting after the first session.

Marriage counseling is a distraction from resolving your marriage problems. You should DEMAND he ends his affair TODAY or you should cut off all contact from him. That needs to be done TODAY. The last thing you should do is go to "marriage counseling" with him. That will be a disaster for your marriage and for your mental health. You are suicidal NOW and this will get worse with marriage counseling.

We are very concerned about your mental health and your ability to follow a plan. Will you please email Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of the Marriage Builders program and ask for help? Tell him what you told us and send him your phone # so he can call you. He is a very kind man who will give you professional guidance. [for free]

Email him here: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You should have NO CONTACT with him whatsoever unless and until he ends his affair.

You should also expose the affair to everyone. Please go read the exposure thread in my signature.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
I blew up and was so angry. We talked this weekend and agreed to work on the marriage, but I said it would be very hard to do with her in the picture.
It's impossible to do with her in the picture. Until you have killed his affair dead, there IS no way of salvaging your marriage. That is why you have gotten the advice to go into Plan B until if and when he ends the affair.

Doing traditional marriage counseling is a complete waste of time and money. The answer is to END the affair, set up extraordinary precautions, and then learn the MB program together through Dr. Harley's materials (phone counseling is available).

Originally Posted by lovinlife28
Refusing to answer my phone calls or texts, he has not touched me in weeks.
This is normal status quo for a husband involved in an affair. Once the affair ends, things will be different.

Originally Posted by lovinlife28
But I do not want a divorce, but my heart is aching terribly.
Yes, Dr. Harley has likened the pain of an affair as similar to the loss of a child, or the pain of being gang-raped. It is horrible, and I'm sorry that you are here. But happy that you found us! Many of us here have experienced the same pain...and gone on to better marriages than we'd ever had before.

Originally Posted by lovinlife28
But now he claims he has been unhappy for a long time.
More normal wayward behavior, unfortunately. Most of our spouses have said that. He is comparing you with the OW (who he is in lurve with at the moment). That will end also once the affair dies. The affair isn't real and isn't sustainable. Your marriage IS real and sustainable (if you so choose).

Just a caution: DO NOT be tempted to mention this site to your husband. For now, and until he ends his affair and comes out of withdrawal, you will need this to be your safe haven.


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We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
He claims the other woman is an extraordinary woman and such a great friend. He never said I was an extraordinary woman. He has been sneaking taking her out to dinner and I need some guidance. Trying to find a marriage counselor and yes we have 3 daughters. I feel so defeated and no matter what he acts like this woman is just perfect. I want to tell him of course this is all new and she will be show her best face. I am so depressed and trying to make sense of everything. I called a crisis hotline center and am so depressed. I want to find a marriage counselor we can talk to face to face. But I am interested in Dr. Harley. I do not want to lose my marriage. I am so sorry for not including this in my initial post.
How long has this been going on, do you actually know? I'm not asking what he has told you...what timeline have you discovered for yourself?

NO to marriage counselors - I've said that above and so have others, so no need to re-cap.

I tried to make sense of things too. It is not possible. Three years later here (beyond fully recovered and on to better-than-ever!), and it is still not possible.

What Dr. Harley provides for us is a roadmap back to each other, as well as a way to build a better marriage than EVER before. But the first step to that is killing the affair. Most of us betrayed spouses had to kill it ourselves by exposure. It is not very common that a wayward ends the affair and goes 100% no contact for life on their own.

What articles have you read here on this site? A good place to start is here: How to Survive an Affair


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We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
OW is a single mom. I have not exposed the affair to my daughters but they have started asking questions about why daddy is out so late and coming in so early in the morning. He came home at 5:30 am and admitted to me that he had feelings for her and claims he just kissed her. But that is some nonsense.
Yes it is nonsense. How long do you propose to live like this? It isn't going to end on its own, and meanwhile your daughters are learning that this is normal behavior for a man to treat his wife this way. frown

How old are your daughters, btw?

You need to EXPOSE this affair to your parents, your siblings, your close friends, any religious mentors, HIS parents, his siblings, his close friends, HER close friends, HER parents, HER siblings (you probably can find them on facebook).

And...you need to expose this to your daughters over 5 years of age...someone please verify the age that Dr. Harley recommends exposure to children.

If there is a chance of killing his affair (and I have a large hunch that there is), exposure is the most effective weapon (it must be done all at once and without warning for the fullest effect).

Have a read here: When should an affair be exposed?


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
How did he meet this OW?
I did not see that you answered this question. it is important.


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Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
How did he meet this OW?
I did not see that you answered this question. it is important.

They are taking a college course together right now.

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I am done and do not want to do this marriage anymore. I was so upset crying for 2 hours and he said he loved me and was sorry he hurt me. Then he snuck outside and called her. My daughters are 13, 11, 9
I can't live like this no more.

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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
I am done and do not want to do this marriage anymore. I was so upset crying for 2 hours and he said he loved me and was sorry he hurt me. Then he snuck outside and called her. My daughters are 13, 11, 9
I can't live like this no more.
Even if you decide to leave your marriage you still need to expose or he will spin the story of why you're divorcing.

When will you be exposing and to whom?

Here Exposing to Children


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
You should have NO CONTACT with him whatsoever unless and until he ends his affair.

You should also expose the affair to everyone. Please go read the exposure thread in my signature.
Have you done this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
I am done and do not want to do this marriage anymore. I was so upset crying for 2 hours and he said he loved me and was sorry he hurt me. Then he snuck outside and called her. My daughters are 13, 11, 9
I can't live like this no more.

Pack his bag and ask him to leave immediately. After he leaves you should deadbolt the door so he can't come back. Tomorrow morning, call a locksmith and have the locks changed.

Can you do this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I stay in an apartment and going to inquire with the complex

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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
I stay in an apartment and going to inquire with the complex

Did you kick him out?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I was in a car accident yesterday. I slept with him in a moment of weakness yesterday after the accident. I know I am a big fool, because now I can not reach him. I found out more about this OW she is an unemployed weed addict who only has custody of 2 of her 4 children. THat lives in section 8 housing. He refuses to answer my calls today his mom is in the hospital fighting for her life. I want a divorce and have started to contact lawyers.

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I had agreed to go out of town and see his mother because she is extremely sick and fighting for her life. But I am going to expose to both parents when I do see them. He makes like his phone dies every time he goes to the area of the city she lives in. That area of our metropolitan area has now become a trigger point for me. This is too stressful and the assault is too much.God please help me.

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The only thing that compare to this is the death of a very close family member. I know I was a idiot for yesterday. I just want to go far away, I can not function at all.

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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
I had agreed to go out of town and see his mother because she is extremely sick and fighting for her life. But I am going to expose to both parents when I do see them. He makes like his phone dies every time he goes to the area of the city she lives in. That area of our metropolitan area has now become a trigger point for me. This is too stressful and the assault is too much.God please help me.

STOP. Calm yourself down. Kick him out. Don't do anything else until you kick him out. Stop calling him. Pack his things, text him and tell him to come pick his things up. Change your locks.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The thing is he will not even respond to my text.

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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
The thing is he will not even respond to my text.

He doesn't need to respond. Go pack his bags, set them on the porch and change the locks. Send him a text telling him:

"I need for you to move out immediately. I have packed your bags for you. You will find them on the porch."

Go do that right now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Exposure day went very well especially with my in laws. They have already made it clear that they want nothing to do with OW and my MIL called her trash. They also said they are very disgusted for my husband behavior. Now he is so upset and telling his family that he desperately wants to work on the marriage. But my emotions are already place and I am fed up. I don't trust him at all and he claims he is willing to give into all that I ask. But I don't trust him. Knowing that they want nothing to do with OW, they were stunned and when they saw my evidence I was gathering they were disgusted by actions. They are not willing to support his affair with OW. His siblings have all the took the side of his parents and refuse to support him and equally disgusted by his actions. He keeps trying to contact me, but right now I am focusing on myself and daughters. He is trying to get into this program that required references of his character. Well his planned references now know what is going on. He told my friend I am tried to ruin his career by doing that.

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I spent the past few days quietly gathering evidence. My friend's husband is an attorney and has already offered services in case I needed him. He advised me to keep gathering my evidence and make sure to save it and keep of records of everything. During the course of gathering evidence I came upon some information that is potentially very damaging to my husband career wise. I do not know what to do with this information. Really I don't know how to really handle this information.

Last edited by lovinlife28; 05/02/16 03:28 PM.
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Wayward husband coworker told me that my husband said it feels like his life is crashing around him. To me he is just sorry that he now is facing the music for his actions.

Last edited by lovinlife28; 05/02/16 03:26 PM.
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Did you kick him out and change the locks?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I actually moved out as we stay in an apartment and since both of our names are on the lease the complex said I could not refuse him entry. So once they refused to work with me, I went to a friend's house and we have been staying there. I am going through this and trying to study for final exams. After the semester is over I plan on looking for apartments, but at this point I do not feel like going back and forth with the apartment complex when they were unwilling to work with me. I can work on that after the semester, I already did poorly on an assignment due to this and can not afford to let my grade drop anymore as I will not graduate. My new job offer is dependent upon me having my degree, this is the new job I will use to start my life over with my daughters.

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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
I actually moved out as we stay in an apartment and since both of our names are on the lease the complex said I could not refuse him entry. So once they refused to work with me, I went to a friend's house and we have been staying there. I am going through this and trying to study for final exams. After the semester is over I plan on looking for apartments, but at this point I do not feel like going back and forth with the apartment complex when they were unwilling to work with me. I can work on that after the semester, I already did poorly on an assignment due to this and can not afford to let my grade drop anymore as I will not graduate. My new job offer is dependent upon me having my degree, this is the new job I will use to start my life over with my daughters.

I am very relieved you moved out! Good girl!! The next step is go into Plan B, which is to completely end all contact with him. Go and read this thread and come back and we will help you plan. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How should I handle him showing up at public places, such as my university library? When it happened yesterday I just walked back to my car so I could avoid talking to him. He was following me out the library as I was walking to my car he was like she is just a friend. I hate that he knows around this time of the semester I am studying at my university library getting ready for finals. I am going to have to study at my friend's house.

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Originally Posted by lovinlife28
How should I handle him showing up at public places, such as my university library? When it happened yesterday I just walked back to my car so I could avoid talking to him. He was following me out the library as I was walking to my car he was like she is just a friend. I hate that he knows around this time of the semester I am studying at my university library getting ready for finals. I am going to have to study at my friend's house.

FIRST, you need to go into PLAN B. Once you go into Plan B, you can change up your schedule and do your best to avoid him. Did you read the thread. Do you understand plan B?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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