I understand this is probally covered under a different thread, but I am desparate.

Wife changed passwords on phone/ipad, doesn't talk to me anymore, check phone records and phone numerous calls of my boss calling her regulary after he get off of work. Confronted both, they both say nothing is going on.
Wife now want,s a divorce, there were other problem of communication leading up to this point lilke sleeping in separate beds, not a lot of time together.

we are both 44, both have been divorced once, no children in this present marriage, she sufferes from depression and counts on her parents for support more so than myself.

I would like to save this marriage because I know she is confused.

Please help in MI

Are you married? If so, how long?

We met march 2009, was married in aug 2014, everything went south 6 months ago. I can't be for certain there is an affair going on, but I know...well affairs can be emotional, and this is what might be happening.

I would not ask her if she is having an affair but quietly start snooping to find out what is going on. You can get a voice activated recorder and put it where she might talk on the phone. A good place could be under her car seat. You can velcro it under the seat.

Have either of you had an affair in the past? Are either of you alcoholics?

I have never had an affair, she stated to me she has not. we do drink, and as of today I have put that behind me. The problem I see is she states she is scard of me, when there has been no violence at all between us. she state this to her parents I believe for support for her decision to leave. Also it tough to talk now, because she will not have any conversation with me.
If fact tonight she left the house after calling her mother saying I was bothering her for attempting to sleep in the same bed. She said this is my bed, my room, my house.... let me get some rest. then she phoned her mother and complained to her.
I am confused she' 44 y.o and calling her parents like she 16....

I would be very careful because it sounds like she is trying to set the stage to accuse you of domestic violence and perhaps have the police throw you out.

You should quietly spy on her and keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times.

Do you have a drinking problem? Is that why you quit?

Yes, I was actually sober for 7 years, when I met my wife. she told me to have a beer at the Christmas party one year and whamo.. so I understand my problem and with gods grace and help I will be sober again from this day fwd. I have noticed she has been drinking more and more lately herself.

She is attending counseling now, but I feel the counselor is pushing her in the wrong direction. i.e. stop having contact with him physically and in talking keep it short is what she told me the counseld adviser her.

I asked about together counseling and she states, no its over.

The counselor told her to stop having contact with you?

Yes that is what she had told me, the counselor had told her to stop contact. which was confusing to me, (maybe she just made that up)

I went through may past phone records and in jan for 3 days straight my friend/boss and a stripper and her were communicated everyday through text. My wife had said she wanted a threesome and wanted to (F**K) my friend/boss or at least entertained the thought. so it porbably happened according the the phone records.

Now I cannot get her or my friend/(old boss now) to admit to any of this, but if you put 2+2 together it sure seems like something happened.

More info... my friend/boss is going through his own divorce and problems with his current wife, so at first I didn't think anything of us talking with him, maybe I was nieve and my wife got that emotional satisfaction from him.

I have a counseling appoint tomorrow and I hope to discuss all this with my Dr. what questions should I ask my dr if any to know if he is giving me sound advice.

I really wish to save this marriage.

Melonylane,

thank you for the spy advice, I know the law fairly well as I am a police officer myself. I understand my job has stressed our marriage ever since the past 6 months when I changed shifts and assignements.

If she wants no contact, verball communication or physical how do I proceed. shall I respect her wish to not sleep in the bed? I did purchase His needs Her Needs book. but I need to be able to communicate to put lesson into play.

my one friend who you helped and he has high praise for you, says be a little aloof and change yourself to what you think you were in the beginning of the relationship. (I can't remember, but I was 20 lbs lighter and we did things together.

we would text and chat often. but now I'm affriad of pushing her away by texting often, esp if she has resentment or angry towards me, it would just make it worse In my opion.

Here Beware of Bad Counselors

Are you a friend of wifedivorcing?

Dr Harley does not advise you to "be a little aloof". Your friend did not get that from this forum. What was his reasoning behind being aloof?

How much have you each been drinking lately?

I haven't had a drink for three days

aloof was a poor choice of words. He told me to act "as if, upbeat and everything is okay make yourself more attractive."


I know I probably should not have done this, but I talked with a lawyer yesterday and he talked me into filing, the lawyer says I have 90 days to make a decision and if no decision is made in 90 days the filing will be recinding.

So my thinking was I have 90days to change myself and communicate with my wife and hope she communicates with me.

That is not what asked you.

By "lately" I did not just mean the last three days in which you have had nothing. You must know that I did not mean that.

since the past few months I have been drinking a lot. I think I touched on this above. I have noticed my wife is drinking more as well. I decided to stop drinking again because I realize it is not helping anything and being disruptive to any healing which can come forth from this day forward.

I know my wife has contacted an attorney today, but I do not know the outcome, she may be searching for her options.

should I have her filed with a summons or hold off, I really think she is made up her mind, but I have not given up hope.

Agree about your shift work, it is a disaster to marriages. I would spy on her and get the evidence. When you get that, come back here and we will help you with next steps.


The book you need is Surviving an Affair. And she will not be likely to have any interest in doing any lessons. You must FIRST bust up her affair and we will help you do that. I would put the HNHN in the drawer for now.

Yes, you should sleep in the bed and continue to communicate with her. Be as pleasant as possible. No fighting, etc.


He is right that you should behave as you did in the beginning of your relationship.


The reason she is angry with you is because she has demonized you in order to justify her affair. She is trying to bait you into a fight so she will have more ammunition against you. Just be sure you don't take the bait. You can still chat and text just keep it very pleasant and loving.

What is your wife's occupation? What would bring her into contact with people like this? Is this "friend" her boss or your boss? What kind of business?

Are you able to answer a straight question with a straight answer?

One again, HOW MUCH have you and your wife been drinking lately?

yes, I know wifedivorcing's story.

My wife's occupation is a elementary teacher. this friend/boss was my friend and boss. he now has transferred to a different shift. We would go out to the bar together. I don't think from this day forward that any time of adult clubs are in my future. I come from a Christian background and have fallen the past few years. She says she is catholic, but I don't think she know Jesus Christ as her personal savior.

As far as the bed thing. It is my fault that I have allowed us to sleep in separate beds for a few years now. What I don't want to happen is her to get angry and make stud up. I do have a recorder, so if you think I should try again. tonight won't work. I work afternoons. I get home around 12:30ish am, she goes to bed around 9-30pm everynight. plus I have a 9am apt in the am, so if I wake her up when I get home from work, she will have a tantrum again in my opinion.

I did mention this morning when she came back from her mother's house (she left the house last night to sleep at mom's when I jumped into bed...she lives 2 blks away.) that we should be sleeping together and I'm going to continue to sleep in OUR bed . she was mute of the answer and only said, why we are getting a divorce., so I replied we need to communicate soon, and she reply okay. and left for work without any further contact or words.

LMG, you need to listen to these folks here, get the evidence you need to bust up her affair. Don't let her bait you into a fight. I remember in my situation, my wife would try to get me to fight with her which is a HUGE love buster. There were times I just smiled during her wrath. Do the same, start working on yourself....

@sugarcane,

I'm sorry I thought I did. everyday afterwork for me. Her, I think every day as well, but I am at work in the evenings, when she is at home. So I cant be for sure, but I do notice the bottle contents lower every night on her flavored vokda.

I would avoid adult clubs and bars in general. They are not healthy environments. If your boss had an affair with your wife, I would be reporting this to HR. If he doesn't lose his job over this, you will probably want to find another job. Working at the same place as this dirtbag will keep you triggered forever.


Your shift is a huge problem. Have you spoken to your supervisor to get that changed?

@melodylane,




I just purchase the book!
I am afraid of getting into bed tonight for fear of her making up stuff, like you said it seems like she is demonizing me. by jumping inot bed tonight, it could make her feel like I am pressuring her, when she said last night why don't you listen to me and let me get some rest. i'll hold of tonight on the bed thing, but firday night would be great to try it again, since we both do not work on Saturday.

Last time: "How much"? Not - "how often"?

I have an important reason for asking, but I'm about to give up here.

WD was a plan A rockstar! You are lucky to have him in your corner.

good to see you, my friend.

surgar cane,

a lot as much as I can to get drunk. I hope that helps.

here is an update.

I tect my wife. "hope your day's well,; have a wonderful lunch :)"

she replied; "No its' not well cuz of the stress from you. I talked to you numerous times before ans said I did not love you the same anymore I'm very serious I want a divorce. I'm sorry that this hurts you and makes you angry but this is what I want. You said you want the best for me and your at peace well this is what I want for me to be happy and at peace."

i asked about why ahe wont admit to having a 3some, and she like omg i don't know what you are talking about. and she said i didn't have one and I'm done talking to you, discussions can be through our lawyers....

how do you proceed from that... because we have to live in the same house.....

maybe I'm am approaching this from the wrong direction. maybe i caught it before it actually happened. If that is the case, how you reopen communication with your spouse that is shutting down.

My gut feeling is to not talk to her, but i know that is wrong and will make the matter worse.

Ignore your gut feelings and look for opportunities to communicate with love and care to her. In the meantime, you MUST start an aggressive spy campaign and get the evidence of an affair. DON'T ASK HER OR ACCUSE. Just quietly get the evidence and come back here.

You can also look into getting on another shift.

STOP trying to make her admit anything. You don't need her admission to know truth. Quietly gather the evidence and we will help you kill the affair.

MelodyLane,

I hear you. it's hard to gather the evidence and that is what is frustrating.

She is having a medical procedure done next week and i would like to be there for her, but she won't let me and said her parents are driving her and for me to not worry.

Can you hire a PI to follow her?

I'll be on tomorrow, i must get ready for work. thank you all for your insight!

I am checking into that now to see if i can afford it... ill keep you posted.

I have my first counseling appointment today and I hope you can give me some insight as a Christian is the first question I'm going to ask him I've seen them before but I can't remember he's a Christian it was about 8 or 9 years ago that he helped me through some problems I was having.

Is far as my relationship is going she threatened to put a lock on the door and if I force my way and she threatened to call the police this is what her lawyer told her which I know she cannot do my lawyer said that is totally incorrect.
About an hour after that conversation she text me some nice stuff and I was confused I didn't respond and then later on that evening she text me good night I hope you let me sleep and not come into my bedroom thank you. I responded good night and left it at that. What I failed to do and to tell her I wasn't coming home that night because of my counseling appointment being 30 hours I'm sorry 40 miles away from our marital home it turned out my partner at work there's only 3 miles from my doctor so after work I spent the night there I'm sure I will get a text in the morning and where I spent a night and I'll be honest so she doesn't think anything is going on I will say I had a doctors appointment counseling right next to my partners house so Decided not to wake you and spend the night there. This is all dictation so if there's errors I apologize .
I will give you an update on what happened in constant thank you everyone and continue to pray for me and my wife for reconciliation and forgiveness

Hello everyone,

I met with my counselor today. Im not too found fo what he told me, either I'm very stubborn and hard headed or he is attempting to bring peace.

He said attempting to sleep in the same bed without her approval is a violation of her respect and can be construed as domestic violence. (me as a police officer knows that you need to have a verbal or physical assault or means to do so for domestic viol) I didn't wish to argue with him. But I do hear what he is trying to get at. He thinks she is angry at me and by not respected her will make matters worse and any trust she may still have will be lost. He thinking was by respecting her wishes you will regain her trust for you.

I called a Christian counselor today and scheduled an appoint with him, I wont be able to see him until mon may 9th.

She had put a lock on the bedroom door yesterday and said if I try to force my way into the bedroom she will have to result on calling the police. I just have to be strong in the lord and show her love without any blaming or questioning her behavior. After all Jesus taught us unconditional love is what we need to become and strive for in our hearts.

For the next 3 days (since I have them off) this will be a Big test for me especially if she is unwilling to talk. I planed on having a conversation with her this weekend. The conversation I wanted was to offer her to attend my counseling so she may support me in my change for good since she isn't willing to go and work on things together (as she stated earlier in the week). I have to remember to ask once and no push the issue. Love tokens not Love busters! that is what I have strive for every minute and second we are together and away.

4 days without a drink.

What the...?

Who does that?

Who spends the night away from home in order to attend a counselling appointment?

Who fails to tell his wife, at any time in his marriage, that he won't be home that night, and who does that when he is in the throes of trying to save his marriage?

What on earth were you thinking? And who advised you do this? Certainly not us!!!

I cannot believe what i just read.

Sugarcane,

the reason was my partner at work lives 4 miles from my counselor that I saw. I live 40 miles away, and to fight rush hour traffic and try to shower in the AM with her getting up at the same time to goto work, I was trying to avoid conflict, due to the blow up she had the previous day on threatening to call the police if I bothered her again. so I decided to take the drama out for one night and protect myself and my job. (me a police ofc held to higher standards) can lose my job for any allegation of Domestic abuse.

please don't be too hard with your response, I understand this is a delicate mater and I need her to feel safe and trusted. she is on anti-depressants and just got a script for Xanax yesterday. so there is more problem on her end than I realized.

I have the next 3 days off and I am hoping we can have some loving communication.

LMG, I hope you don't plan on staying out overnight again. As far as "counseling," that is a needless distraction at a time when you need to place all your focus on your marriage.

The advice we are giving you comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. RARELY, do "counselors" have any earthly idea how to save marriages and typically cause more harm than good. They have even less experience and expertise when it comes to infidelity.

What scares me the most about this is that you allowed her to manipulate you into staying out of your house. If you are afraid of a domestic abuse accusation, then carry a VAR on you at all times. But don't stay out of your home. Don't embolden her by giving into unreasonable demands. No woman on the planet would allow a man to kick her out of her home; men need to follow suit.

Melodylane,

thank you, I do carry a voice recorder now. She has put a lock on the bedroom door and wont let me in. That lock will be removed as soon as she is served with an order not to change anything in the house (exparte)included locking doors et. so I just have to be level headed like you all say and have loving conversation even though her anwers are yes and no.

today was a progress day though. I fired my counselor that gave me that crazy advice (he wasn't Christian) and I found a minister with a phd in pysch to counsel me so I will see him on Mon. I returned home she was at the house I greated her with Hello, she replied Hi. I asked her if she would like to go for a walk with the dogs, she said I already walked them. I said okay, and took them for another walk. I kept an upbeat attitude whistling some tune. when I retuned home, I poured out all my alcohol down the sink. She didn't ask why (but she is observing it, she was on the phone talking with her mom or sister.) I said I have to go grocery shopping, would you like anything. of course she replied no. I left came home, said hello again, she said hi. (I bought her her favorite ice cream without even telling her and some steak sizzlers so next time she goes into the freezer she will notice.) I went down stairs to do laundry and noticed she had towels in the dryer, I brought them up folded them put them away asked her do you need a new fresh towel...again no. The point I am trying to make is even though she is giving me one word answers, I am making positive talk and being very conscious of no negative talk.
How the night ended was she didn't say goodnight closed her door. I knocked and say are you going to bed, she said yes, so I said goodnight. she replied goodnight. I ask if I could say goodnight to our two dogs, she said no, and I left it be without a word. and jumped on here.

Tomorrow I have a funeral memorial to attend (my sister father-ibn-law) she had said on tues that she will not be attending. before I leave, if she is in the house I will invite her again. regardless of her response. I am trying to show that i care and wish to do things together. I know I can't make anyone do anything and my actions play a big part in what she see and responds too.

D-Day APRIL 25,2016

What is the reason you are going to counseling? I thought you were here to get help with your marriage.

melodylane,

I am here to get help, I value your opinion's and follow them from now on as wifedivorcing yelled at me to listen to everything.

I talk with wifedivorcing often and i get good advice as well. I know this is all new and only a week old, but I decided to go to counseling for my own sanity and to get better as a person, a man of god and back to where I was 7 years ago. If I can't fix myself I can't fix our marriage. I hope you understand that I need this for myself to stay focus on what you folks are saying.

The devil got ahold of me and my wife. I have become lazy, overweight, non-interactive, spend way to much time on the computer and was drinking and going out to adult strip bars. and my wife attended some times. so you can see how my marriage has falling apart. not to mention we haven't slept in the same beds for 5 years. a lot of this is my fault. I need to rectify myself to the point where we first met.

The problem with most counselors is they have no idea how to save marriages. While well-intentioned, they generally encourage people in marriage-wrecking behavior which they mistakenly believe will help. Even Christian Counselors have a terrble track-record. They also encourage people to pick and chose items from different programs, many with no evidence of benefit. The Marriage Builders plan is very specific and works best if followed early and completely. It is not guaranteed but it is your best chance of saving the marriage.

Have you gotten evidence ofthe affair that would convince a jury? If not, get it. Then expose. She is a school teacher. Does she work with the OM? I couldnt tell from your previous post. Even if they don't, workplace exposure may be beneficial because many teachers' contracts include a morals clause. You need to bust the fantasy of the affair. Having her dirty secret in the open is the best chance to break up the affair.

You need to study SAA carefully. If you havent read it at least 2times, you are not ready for more material.

Have you listened to the radio show? You should listen daily because this will help focus and strategize. The app is free. Listen tomorrow on your headphones. I purchased access to the archives when I first started really working MB becuase hearing several radio programs pertinent to my situation helped me understand the details of implementing MB.

apples123,
thank you for that reply. I have no proof other than some phone records. The person I suspect she does not work with, but rather he was my former boss who is now on a different shift. I hired a Private investigator to hopefully uncover some facts. If no facts are uncovered then I need try a different approach.

I know when I was drinking I said some hurtful stuff, which damages her emotionally. I know my wife is very sensitive. Monday it will be one week since she said I don't love you and we need a divorce. It's a rollercoaster of emotions for me, but she has been small talking, short sentences. etc. the love principles seem to be breaking down her barrier!

I have to continue my strength in the lord and remain upbeat. Sometimes It does get lonely when your spouse ignores you and you are in the house by yourself. I haven't been eating well because this stress of the situation makes my food go right through me.

Tomorrow (Sunday) I am going to church. Something I have been neglecting for a long time. When she returned home today in the eve. I let her know I am getting up early and going to church and asked her if she would like to come with me. She replied, no. Which didn't bother me at that moment, because of the mental state she has been in this week. She went to bed without saying goodnight and locked her bedroom door. (yes we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a long time. (that's a different subject)). I knocked respectfully and said are you going to bed? she said yes. I said goodnight and she replied goodnight.

I need to sign up for the over the phone counseling here. I do have a lot of family and a couple of close friends praying for us.

I know it sounds like I am rambling, but you folks are wonderful and are giving me strength. SAA book should come Monday. I'm looking fwd to it.

Goodnight

LMG, you are on the right track, but I would forgo all this "counseling" for now and focus on your marriage. The phone counseling at MB is awesome and you may need that at some point, but right now the focus should be on getting the evidence and exposing the affair. You don't need counseling to achieve that. The advice we are giving you comes frmo Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. We are not just spouting our own personal opinions.

thank you MelodyLane!

I understand you. I am going to counseling for myself to be better focused to follow the concepts of Dr. Harley.


your concepts are working as of today I bought her a breakfast, she appreciated it but didn't eat it.

I do have a question. her B-day is coming up on may 25th. I'm unsure how to handle that. any thoughts.

Give her a nice present and a romantic card.

I know she likes candles, so I could buy she some candles and a gift certificate to a beauty store or something; I have a hard time thinking of gifts, I'm not very good with that.

Today I talked with her for a few minutes. apologized for my verbal abuse I've caused her the past couple of years due to my drinking and work stress. it seemed she appreciated that, but said she checked out along time ago. I replied, I can totally understand why you would feel that why, because I would do the same. I said I remember the good times we had and I am fighting for us and look forward to the future when we can have those good times back. she was silent. after that is when I went to go grab some breakfast for the two of us.

One complaint she had was I was on the computer a lot. So I am working on cutting that time down...so I can only log on here when she is sleeping or busy with other things.

Positive attitude and affirmations is all I can do at the moment until I have some proof. Tomorrow I'll know after my morning meeting with my PI.

PS: I am confused with all the abbreviations under the exposure part. i.e. (BS WS AP) please elaborate the abbreviated words for a dummy like me

That is a good idea. And my suggestion would be to write a love letter painting a picture of a wonderful, happy marriage, and put it in the card. Tell her that you are so sorry for the things you did that brought your marriage to this terrible place. Tell her you know you a) were wrong for drinking, b) hanging out in bars, .........[fill in the blanks] Promise her you will never drink again or hang out in creepy bars, [fill in blanks]

Then add that you love her with all your heart and want to work with her on building a romantic, happy marriage. Tell her you have a plan to do that when she is ready. Tell her you will fight for your marriage and won't give up on her. Sign it with "all my love, LMG."

NOW, she will come back and tell you it is too little too late. Just expect that. But it will have planted the seed. Once she sees you back up your talk with actions, she will start to see you in another light.

Wow! Melodylane, you may me cry; which is a good thing! I will re-visit this when her b-day get closer (5/25).
Thank you for making me strong!

My wife is having surgery this Friday for a uterus abrlasion. that I just found out from my sister today. my wife talked to my sister for awhile a couple of weeks ago about her unhappiness with me, being lazy not helping around the house, and yelling and screaming. hinting at a divorce and about the surgery.

my wife said its not my concern and her parents are taking her. I only now the date may 6, I do not know the time or the hospital.

I don't know how to proceed.... I want to be there for her and support her, but she doesn't wish me to or shes says she doenst'.. im confusion.

Did you speak to her about it? Can you take off work to be with her and take care of her when she gets home?

I can take Friday off to be there when she gets home from the hospital, but I also have 4 days to work on her to allow me to be there for the operation.
--------------------
When she cam home from her mother's house today, I was on the porch changed the light fixture which she has been buggin me to change for 2 years. She said WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I said changing the light fixture like you asked. (she asked me 2 years ago though)

then...

I said I know you have a procedure soon and I want to be there and support you. She said you don't need to worry about it because I already changed by health advocate to my mother. I replied I still want to support you would you please tell me the time and hospital. She said It doesn't concern you and walked inside.

Well I needed another set of hand to hold the light while I splice the wires together, so I asked for her assistance, she came and helped. She questioned why I'm doing this now, I told her I thought deep and hard at what you said in lthe past, and I am not that lazy person anymore, I have changed and am fighting for our relationship and the good 7 years we've had.

I know I'm making progress, because she seems to be slightly mad about me changing the light. When she went to bed in her room I said good , she allowed my to say goodnight to our two dogs and I slightly brushed her arm from the shoulder to the elbow and said have a goodnight. She said I told you I don't want to be touched. I walked out and said sweet dreams.

I think that is a good idea. I would have the house cleaned up and plenty of food you can make for her. So even if she doesn't want you there for the operation, you can be at home, ready to take care of her.


Good!!

Great job addressing her complaints!

I'm at work and she has not said one thing via text or call. I sent a text to enjoy her day and lunch and wrote a note to have a good evening. She works days I work afternoons. So it's tough being ignored and loney today. I understand there will be days like this. I have to continue my good actions and not give up!

ARe you working on changing your shifts? You aren't going to get too far working on opposing shifts.

Yes; I am working on that - The problem is the person I think she is having an affair with is on day shift the shift that I want to go to my captain said he's concerned about both of us working the same shift. So once I have solid proof or no proof then I'll know for sure there's one other option period. That's to get transferred all together and go on restricted duty due to my mental state. But I do not want a dark note in my file. But maybe it is worth it

I hired the PI today. he's expensive so I may purchase a GPS also to help the PI. I don't care how much I have to spend or go in debt...I love my wife and will not stop fighting for her.

SAA book came today, so I am beginning to read it. If it turns out she isnt' having an affair, then I know all my drinking and bad actions caused this. The solution is NO LOVE BUSTERS; just constant loving words and affection and inclusion in everything I do.

I put a VAR in the house in the computer room. it picked up 4 mins of my wife screaming and crying. I feel so helpless if I caused her this pain because she doesn't know I could listen.

I just have to Give positive love everyday and support and help and include her in every activity. If she says no at least she knows I am thinking about her.

I am started to doubt she had an affair. At least a sexual one. A emotional one maybe. I nbeleive the real reason is because I have treated her with a lack of respect and we had little contact of interaction. I have heard through sourced (friends) that she complained about me; about not helping out, being lazy, yelling and screaming at her because of little stuff. even to the point of calling her stupid and saying I know know why your ex husband cheated on you. I am ashamed of myself for these things I have said. I have said these thing out of anger and most of the time it was probably when we've been drinking.
\
My biggest emotional need isn't sex, but companionship and sleeping is separate bed for 5-6 years has but a scar on me, which I probably use to get back at her in some deep emotional way. instead of being honest with my feelings and say.. You know this sleeping apart really hurts me to the point of loneliness. I'm rmabing cause I am tired and just got home from work.

Sugarcane where are you? with your direct solutions?
Melonylane, keep you the wonderful support you have been providing me.
I call my friend whom you all know divorced everyday.

I know many of you have been through this, and thank you for your wonderful insight!

Good!! Between you and the PI, you should be able to get the truth.


Exactly!


That is pretty bad. But don't jump to any conclusions until you are certain you have the facts. Even if the PI doesn't find anything, you need to keep up the snooping just to make sure.

I am probably preaching to the choir, but in addition to your drinking, working an evening shift has been a disaster to your marriage. Opposing shifts wreck marriages. Just keep that in mind for future use. You can't maintain a marriage that way.

Update:

Tues may 3 I had my question answered on the marriage builders radio show. I was happy about that it provided me with insight.

Yesterday was also National Teacher Appreciation Day. I surprised her, so when she returned home from work she would see flowers on the table with a card and teaching supplies. I was at work at this time. I received a text which said,

" I saw the flowers you didn't hv to do that. I don't want to give you false hope and you think that by doing all of this stuff I'm going to change me mind. I still do want a divorce and I'm not trying to be a [censored] but it's what I want to be at peace and happy. I want you to be happy as well with your life."

I didn't respond, but I was able to leave work early so I could be home with her on this special day. I surprised her by coming home. I followed dr. Harleys advice and spoke with her and appoligized about my behavior and actions over the past few years and promised never to do it again and respect her always. etc. My wife took it well, and said I appreciate it (she almost shed a tear) but I am not happy and want to be alone and divorced. so instead of arguing we both stop talking about it.

I then later that eve went to go get ice cream and brought some home for us both; she didn't eat it but said put it in the freezer, so we are talking a little.

I can't wait till my love buster book comes, dr. Harley told me to read the first 5 chapters immediately.

I came home from work today and listened to my VAR. It was blotchy recording, but she had said she signed paperwork with her atty's secretary for a restraining order. I believe she is trying to kick me out of the house. I have no idea who is putting these thoughts in her head...maybe it's her counselor, or her friends or even her mother.

Legally she cannot do this, so I will have a chat tomorrow with my atty on the matter. I just hate having to do this when I know there is a solution. The enemy is working hard to break up this marriage. I'm going to fight to the last ounce of breath that God has given me.

Stick with it!! You are doing the right thing in contacting your atty. As soon as your radio show posts, I will listen to it. Glad you emailed Dr Harley!

Well, my wife's surgery is tomorrow and she is avoiding me. I'm still gonna take your advice melody and take the day off. I can show my support even though she has checked me out of her life.

Good!! Go to the store and buy some things for her, like some soup she likes, pop, crackers, bottled water, straws, etc. Try to think of anything she might like or need while she recuperates.

Be sure and clean up your house really nice and spruce up her bedroom so she will be comfortable.

I think there is no stopping this divorce. After I had listened to the VAR today, she had conversation with her mom and GF. She laughed at the thought of me trying to make it work and reconcile our relationship. one of her quotes from her dad was this guy (me) was a lot better than mike (her first husband). but I believe her mother and sister and counselor are pushing her in the wrong direction.

My thoughts are 'Would you not try to work things out?' It appears when she makes up her mind its made up and nothing is gonna stop her. another quote from her was she asked why did you file, I said cause you told me to get a lawyer (I did it it as a stall tactic to work things out in 90days) but what she said to her mom after was geez I can't wait to tell my therapist, had I know that I would have told him to file months ago....laughing as she said it. (I'm confused- It sounds like she has some serious issues she is dealing with. apart from no evidence yet of an physical affair).

Oh antother thing, she said my mom will kill him if he shows up at the hospital... so I have no idea what my wife has been telling her mom, but family ususally sticks together. her dad said just drive over to our house like you are going to work in the morning and we will take you to the hospital. and she said yeah he's stupid (meaning me) he wont put 2 and 2 together.

well now I don't even feel like taking the day off to be home when she gets home after hearing all the back stabbing about me to her family.....

It appears that she has blocked me on facebook as well...

so now what? stay home and still support her, that would be the Christian thing to do. After all even if I get lambasted, ridiculed and yelled at, by her (cause I'm sure she will be under the influence of narcotics) at least I know that I am trying.

Yes. Plan A is Plan A.

I'm sorry that she is trash talking to her family. If you can't show goodwill now when she's having surgery, she will see it as a confirmation. You want her to remember that you were willing to stop everything and care for her.

Thank u - PLAN A it is...

Remember that any guilt she feels could make her hesitant to accept care. Don't push her or bully her. Prepare like Mel said, and get your calm demeanor on. I know how tough to listen to her lash out, but it is possible. Care for her just as any husband should. You need to show her that you can treat her well, even under adverse conditions. Even if you end up divorced, you will have left her with positive memories.

Don't let your fear of the worst ruin Plan A.

NO!! You stay home and support her because that you are fighting for your marriage. It is no surprise that she is angry about your marriage and wants to leave you. It is no surprise that she needs to demonize you in order to justify this.

None of this is new news. We already knew she was mad at you. That is the whole point of Plan A!! Go forward with the plan.

Well I have stayed home.

She is not home, she text me saying she is at her parent's house; which she was earlier cause I did drive by (3 block away). I did find some interesting texts back and forth to an unk number that was on a bill in feb -mar. So I just went ahead an purchased a gps tracker.

It is hard gathering all this evidence, but it is worth it.

I just whish she would come home; I have the house clean, bought ballons a card a mum plant and her favorite comfort food.

I have to find out something and expose why she is demonizing me so much to her family. I know not to talk about the divorce and keep telling her that I love her wish to support her and people can change.

Did you do a reverse lookup on it? Try to find out who it is. try this: http://www.okcaller.com/index.php

You did good!!!

Yes, I did do a spokeo check; it comes back to nothing... prob a pay/month phone. I wanted to go over to her parents house, but I didn't want any drama from her parents, esp when she is recovering.

I think I should wait to talk to them alone and tell them I love their daughter and them and am sorry for how I have mistreated their daughter and wish to save this marriage and do what is morally right! (because I have no idea what she has told them It seems her mom is against me, but her dad says I am better than her first husband.)

she did text me and say she would be home a little later that was 45 min ago. so I assume she will come home and sleep at our house.

AGree.


AGree this is a good idea. I would go there with hat in hand and show them your plan. Ask for their support.