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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
I am starting this for you Tink. All of your posts have been interesting. Here's a place where you can get advice if you want.
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
You wrote the following post on a different thread: Poster: tinkluver Subject: Re: Alcohol Agreement MaryN-You may think Melody's words are harsh, but they are truth. My husband is an alcoholic. He left our 3&7 year old children home alone, multiple times, while I was at work to have his affair.That was over a year ago now.
He recently asked me if he could possibly try being a "recovered alcoholic" whatever the hell that lame phrase is supposed to mean.
I told him NO. Because he tried to use the excuse that "he only did it because he was drunk" (both the affair and subsequent leaving the children) I told him, then he should NEVER EVER want to drink again. HE should not want to ever put himself and our children in that situation ever again.
Thank you ManKeeping, for reiterating "I only did it bc I was drunk" is a BS attempt at an excuse.
MaryN, the travelling job is definitely a major problem, but so is your husbands inability to see his alcoholism. I was naive also. I actually remember that I sang along to the song "Nah, Nah Honey I'm Good" on the way home from work the nights my husband left our kids, I found out afterwards. I thought "my husband is like this guy, he may be an alocholic but at least he wouldn't cross that line"......dead wrong.
And, as another aisde, my marriage recovery is not happening at all IMO because my husband still refuses to take ownership of his actions. He wants me to let his "drunken affairs" off the hook.
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
So your husband is still drinking?
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13
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Not to my knowledge. I don't think he is (but I was stupid enough to not know an affair was happening in my own home), but he comments often about wanting it still, because this year has been so difficult. He has stopped going to AA meetings since we moved. *I* have been the one to look up Celebrate Recovery and other options, and I (and our original counselor) said he has to go to rehab to prove he is serious. Which he did, but only after I called the police bc he did drink again and we got in a fight.
BW-30
WH-31
2 kids 3&7
Affair began Oct 2014
D-Day April 2015 (because OW husband friended me on FB to tell me eventually, so WH admitted "bc he had to be the one to tell me")
Affair "ended" April 2015??? Don't have exact date, it wasn't a solid ending as he told her every time it would never happen again and never sent closure letter
WH blames affair on alcohol
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
Tinkluver, your comments on the other thread were helpful.  Just wanted to hear more about your situation.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
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Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Are you in AlAnon?
Have you exposed your WH's affair?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13
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I was in AlAnon, but stopped going bc most of the "advice" was about learning to live with it. I don't want to live with it. I realize that I enabled him by threatening to leave and divorce if he didn't change, but not following through bc he would always say he would be better. 7 years of that. My story is pretty messed up, and I basically have given up on reconciling. It's too much crazy.
Yes, I did expose his affair. I made him give a deposition to the OWH so OW couldn't try and get half his stuff if they divorce, bc she was crazy enough to think she could.
It's actually pretty disgusting, the whole neighborhood knew about the affair and actually helped my husband and OW have it, including lying to and tucking my children into bed when they woke up, realized he wasn't home, and went to neighbors house to see if he was there. Neighbor lied to them, tucked them in to MY bed, and then called her friend and said "send WS home, his kids are roaming the neighborhood". Disgusting.
OWH did not expose to me until 2 months after he found out, so this is why telling the other person spouse is so important!!! If I had known, I could have prevented my children from being left alone and him committing adultery at least 4 more times.
BW-30
WH-31
2 kids 3&7
Affair began Oct 2014
D-Day April 2015 (because OW husband friended me on FB to tell me eventually, so WH admitted "bc he had to be the one to tell me")
Affair "ended" April 2015??? Don't have exact date, it wasn't a solid ending as he told her every time it would never happen again and never sent closure letter
WH blames affair on alcohol
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13
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Joined: Sep 2015
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Also, his grandmother knew. He called her after he first time "bc he couldn't stand it" and she just said "oh" or something. Then she proceeded to stay with us for a month and witness his continued poor behavior/drinking and I guess decided me and my children weren't worth knowing the truth or attempting to fix the situation.
So I'm pretty disheartened at humanity for an entire neighborhood and his grandmother knowing and allowing adultery and child neglect to occur and not thinking I had a right to know.
BW-30
WH-31
2 kids 3&7
Affair began Oct 2014
D-Day April 2015 (because OW husband friended me on FB to tell me eventually, so WH admitted "bc he had to be the one to tell me")
Affair "ended" April 2015??? Don't have exact date, it wasn't a solid ending as he told her every time it would never happen again and never sent closure letter
WH blames affair on alcohol
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
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Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Are you in Plan B? Did you file for divorce?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13
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Posts: 13 |
I am not in plan b per se. We moved to a new state, and I originally said I would give it a (another) year of trying to repair before deciding. In previous state we had to wait a year to file, and he wouldn't sign papers. Now since moving we have to wait 6 months residency to file, no separation required. It has already been a year since d-day. I thought we could live amicably for the children so I signed a lease with him, but I cannot. We are currently selling our home, the only joint asset left. It is hard to imagine my life dissolving like this, but I am trying to build up courage to file at the 6 month mark.
There are so many actions he should have taken, but hasn't. He says he wants to be married to me, but I have had to nag to get anything done. I told him my expectations. He supposedly read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving but I haven't seen anything in action. I have been the one to do everything. He showed efforts and initiative pursuing OW; none for repairing us.
BW-30
WH-31
2 kids 3&7
Affair began Oct 2014
D-Day April 2015 (because OW husband friended me on FB to tell me eventually, so WH admitted "bc he had to be the one to tell me")
Affair "ended" April 2015??? Don't have exact date, it wasn't a solid ending as he told her every time it would never happen again and never sent closure letter
WH blames affair on alcohol
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13
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Posts: 13 |
He did admit this is not the first time he has cheated, a work trip to a strip club 4 years ago was the first. Then another work trip where a girl kissed him. Then what I now consider an emotional affair(at the time I didn't know what an emotional affair was), that I knew about and told him to stop bc I didn't like him talking to this female so much. Then this 6 month long PA.
So IMO he has some serious character and boundary flaws if he could do all this for years and not get help.
BW-30
WH-31
2 kids 3&7
Affair began Oct 2014
D-Day April 2015 (because OW husband friended me on FB to tell me eventually, so WH admitted "bc he had to be the one to tell me")
Affair "ended" April 2015??? Don't have exact date, it wasn't a solid ending as he told her every time it would never happen again and never sent closure letter
WH blames affair on alcohol
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
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Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
You need to ask him to leave and go into Plan B. Have you read this? How to Plan B Correctly
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13 |
I have read it. My job complicated things though. As does our past. I will have to go out of state for job training for one month. I will need him to watch the children, as I don't have a nanny I trust. I realize with his past, trusting him is hard too. It's sad to think a complete stranger may take better care of your children.
I will give him another chance to be a father to the children since he seems so distraught about that now, but no need to be in relationship with him.
Once I get back from the training we will separate. Since I don't know when exactly I will go it is hard to get an apartment lease.
BW-30
WH-31
2 kids 3&7
Affair began Oct 2014
D-Day April 2015 (because OW husband friended me on FB to tell me eventually, so WH admitted "bc he had to be the one to tell me")
Affair "ended" April 2015??? Don't have exact date, it wasn't a solid ending as he told her every time it would never happen again and never sent closure letter
WH blames affair on alcohol
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Do you want to stay in the marriage if we changed his ways and gives you just compensation?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 13 |
I'm not sure. The Recent PA seems so evil. If he wasn't shocked by his own behavior after the ONS years ago, and then still willing to sacrifice the children for his affair.... The lying, gaslighting, mocking, humiliation...I don't think I can get over it. I still feel like there is more he's not telling.
He has known about this site for a year. I have bought all the books, told him all the things I want done, he says he wants to but his actions don't meet his words.
I don't think he is capable of changing his ways and giving me JC. He just wants me to be over it.
BW-30
WH-31
2 kids 3&7
Affair began Oct 2014
D-Day April 2015 (because OW husband friended me on FB to tell me eventually, so WH admitted "bc he had to be the one to tell me")
Affair "ended" April 2015??? Don't have exact date, it wasn't a solid ending as he told her every time it would never happen again and never sent closure letter
WH blames affair on alcohol
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
Then you need to get into Plan B as soon as possible. Have you told him to get out?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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