If you are a man struggling with sex addiction/sexual temptation, please stop here. My story is sorid and ugly, and I never want to hinder another man�s progress.

I started looking at porn when I was a little kid. I�ve looked at it off and on until this or last month. I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. She did not know about the porn. There were year long spells with no porn sprinkled throughout my past.

In 2004, my wife discovered the porn. It was so upsetting for her that she went into premature labor with our second son. He spent the next several weeks in the nicu. That�s right, I almost killed my son with my porn addiction. Yet I didn�t stop. In fact, my depravity grew.

In 2006 my porn addiction grew into an affair. It wasn�t a drawn out emotional affair, but rather a one time drunken fling with a much older woman. My wife literally walked in on us. She has terrible flashbacks to this day that cause her to physically shudder in pain.

In 2006 I committed my life to God, quit looking at porn, and was honest with my wife regarding all things. I also didn�t work for 6 months (I lost a fantastic career as a result of the affair) and when I did work, I didn�t make enough money to support our family of 5. I was porn/sex addiction free for the next 2-3 years. Then one day I wasn�t anymore. I screwed up - I looked at porn. That itself wasn�t what ruined me. Hiding it, turning it into a lie, is what ruined me. That one time turned into two, into five, into ten, and the lie was too big to reveal without massive damage to my still recovering marriage.

In 2010 I �woke up�. I had a realization that I didn�t like who I was and I decided to change. This entailed a new career and a new confidence about life. From 2010 until 2016 my marriage blossomed, my career blossomed, and I lived the best years of my life. My wife felt this way too. Except for one thing. I was a sex addict. My porn addiction turned into seeking out escorts in 2014. From January 2014 until April 2016 I sought out 27 escorts for a total of 44 encounters. My sexual depravity grew in other areas of my life too. I started to seek out attention from women other than escorts, flirting with waitresses, co-workers, etc. All of this was done in secret. My wife had no idea. In all other areas of my life, I was incredibly happy, and very blessed. Sexually, I was a monster. I packed the sex up into a little box and buried it in a corner of my mind. My wife would ask for reassurance and I would go to great lengths to convey my undying love for her. My love was real. My reassurance was misplaced and dishonest.

In April, I met an escort that turned into a personal relationship. I never had feelings for the girl, but I treated her as if I did, buying her gifts, paying her bills, and taking her to dinner. She lives in a different state and I booked plane tickets to visit her. My sex addiction had grown to a level I could no longer hide in a box. I stopped sleeping. I started sweating profusely at night, consumed with guilt. Finally, on May 11th, I confessed what was happening to my wife. At first, I told her I was having an affair. It took another day before I found the courage to tell her about the escorts. We �celebrated� a very painful 16th anniversary on May 13th.

My wife never once in our marriage said no to sex. I could write a book filled with the incredible and adventurous sexual experiences she gave me. My wife has always fed me, taken care of our children, and respected me, even when it was hard. My wife is the most beautiful woman I�ve ever seen. If I was to post a picture here, you all would agree. In short, I have the best wife imaginable.

The last two weeks have been an unimaginable rollercoaster. I still live at home. I�ve still been treated to sex with my bride. But she�s broken. Her love for me, a love that was beyond incredible, dying everyday. I know her mind, and anyone else that hears our story, are telling her to leave. I believe her heart is confused. She loves me and wants an un-broken home for our sons, but she desires to flee too.

I�m beyond sorry. I clearly see where I went astray after the horrible things I did in 2006. Post affair/losing our job, I dedicated much time to walking with God. When I quit trusting in him and started trusting in myself, I fell again. This time I�m doing it different. I�ve enrolled in an every mans battle conference, I�ve joined AA because they have the most proven/thorough addiction program available. In short, before I failed to prepare myself for a life without a sex addiction. I won�t make that mistake again. Im consumed with shame and guilt to the point that my body shakes uncontrollably.

My wife has to be feeling that the last 16 years were a complete waste of her life. I need her. I need her more than I can put into words. I couldn�t be honest before because I was trapped in the middle of a lie covered addiction. I�m not anymore. I�m free to win. And I will.

I need help. I need advice. If you feel that it would help, I�ll take your admonishment too. I�ll take anything you can give me to help me rebuild what was a perfect marriage. I am especially interested in hearing from any woman that has had her husband commit similar injustices against you. Specifically, how can I best love and fight for my wife?

Hi pleasehelpme, welcome to Marriage Builders. The reason this keeps happening is because you don't have a PLAN to prevent it from happening again. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. Lots of talk about how "sorry" you are, how you "woke up," and plans to join multiple organizations won't make a difference. Even turning your life over to God will make no difference if you don't implement extraordinary precautions to prevent this from ever happening again. God is not a cosmic puppeteer who will stop you from doing something against your will. If you won't follow a plan to completely affair proof your marriage, you are not a safe person for your wife.

The extraordinary precautions in your situation would be to set up your life so you are together 24/7. You can't very well commit adultery if she is in the same room. You should also never be on the computer alone again. She should have passwords to absolutely everything. Your life should be arranged so it would be physically impossible to ever view porn or commit adultery again. Anything short of that leaves her in great danger.

Has your wife had STD testing?

You are an alcoholic? AA is for alcoholics.

I agree with you. AA has the most effective addiction recovery plan I could find. I'm not just using it, but looking at others as well. I agree very much that if I don't take steps to eliminate the addiction and the lies, it I am doomed for it to happen again. I have been foolish, but am not a fool. I will get help. Thank you for re-enforcing how important it is.

I will consider your words about the time and passwords. I agree that complete transparency is crucial.

Yes, we've been tested.

I started with Sex Addicts Anonymous (yes I feel very ashamed writing that). The sponsor I met through there guided to me AA. I am still with that sponsor and we are working through the 12 steps together.

Melody, can you please give me advice about how to best hold my wife heart right now? Thank you.

Your timeline appears very cyclical. Are you or have you ever been diagnosed as bi-polar?

Underlying mental disorders/illness needs to be addressed first and foremost. Have you shared this story with a psychiatrist?

Were you soliciting prostitutes off the streets too?

Have you spent yourself (and your family) into debt/bankruptcy?

You shouldn't have access to a $1 bill or a credit card in your name ever again.

What has to be eliminated is the OPPORTUNITY to view porn and commit adultery. Nothing will change until that changes. You won't lie and you won't be addicted if never again have that opportunity. THAT is the key.


And that won't be enough. In your case, your life has to be so transparent that it would be impossible to cheat again. For example, you hsould not ever be on a computer again unless your wife is sitting right there right there with you. You should not be out of her sight again.

You should not be going to AA meetings. Those are closed meetings that are intended to be a private, safe space for alcoholics. That is a violation of our anonymity, and secondly, co-ed AA meetings are notorious pick up places. You don't need to be hanging around AA meetings. It takes valuable time away from your marriage.

Show her a PLAN of action that does not allow ANY opportunity ever. Remove all opportunity from your life. Otherwise, we will advise her to get divorced for her own personal safety. You are not safe until that happens.

Almost all of your first post was about regret, remorse, going to meetings, "waking up," etc, but no PLAN to remove all opportunity.

Exactly....how many epiphanies do you expect your wife to believe?

She's not ever going to believe a word you say again (why should she?) which is why the only way to "hold my wife's heart right now" is to never leave her sight and a commitment that that rule will remain in place forever after (not until you next manic cycle).

I think you need to quit using dramatic flowery vague phrases like holding hearts and waking up and start doing concrete things that will make repeat episodes IMPOSSIBLE.

If you don't have the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley, buy the ebook version and download it and read it immediately. If you don't have the Marriage Builders app download it and start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show daily immediately. Learn the plan that actually works instead of trying to do what you think will work (like "holding her heart," whatever that means).

Thank you for responding. I am not bi-polar. I am addict. Outside of the addiction I am a very stable, dependable person. Most addiction resources talk a lot about this characteristic.

I have not shared with a psychiatrist.

No, I was not soliciting prostitutes off the street.

No, I didn't harm my families finances.

I'll consider your words about not having access to money.

Do you have any advice regarding how to fight for my wife's heart?

Did you read my posts? I gave you that advice.

I believe the key is to be a man that can live in a sexualized world and still be faithful to himself, his family, and his wife. If I can�t do this, I won�t live.

I agree with this. Thank you.

Melody, I am not attending meetings. I attended a call for men with my problem. Through that, I was introduced to a sponsor. My sponsor is walking me through the steps. Our support group is people who have struggled with our addition and it�s all men. I haven�t been to an actual meeting. There isn�t one in my area.

That�s sick and sad. It makes me feel sad for the women that are preyed upon and pity for the men that would stoop so low. I�m sorry this has been your experience.

Thank you. When she pushes me away in disgust, and says she doesn�t want to look at me, do I sit quietly in the room because my heart longs for her, or do I go into another room and cry? I need to know the heart of a woman and how to best care for her during these times?

This is tangible advice I can cling to, thank you. I can�t be away from the computer/phone. I have a career that requires it. I did buy a service that details every action happening on both devices and sorts/stores them for her to see. I bought the service two days ago. I�ll make sure they are operating and show her how to use them tonight. I should have done it last night. I sense the urgency in this and will get it done. Thank you.

Noted. Thank you. Step one was honesty. I needed to come clean about everything. Step two was a commitment to myself and to her to not be a liar. I despise nothing more than I despise a liar, yet that�s exactly what I was. I won�t live being a liar anymore. Step three was to install the monitoring service on my devices. Step four will be to show her how to access the devices. Based on another post, it sounds like step five needs to be providing complete transparency with our finances. She has full access now, but that isn�t enough. I need to be showing her, not forcing her to go look. I�ll consider this strongly today and come up with a firm plan for doing this.

Melody, I know you must despise me. I do too. But the feedback you provided above isn�t falling on deaf ears. Thank you for taking time to respond.

Yes Ma'am. I'm rereading them too. My response is slow, but your advice is much appreciated.

Those aren't dramatic flowery words, it's how I talk. But you are correct - it's too vague. I need a firm actionable plan. Thank you for putting it in that perspective.

THANK YOU. I need actionable advice that I can hold myself accountable to. I will do everything you recommended TODAY. Thank you.

Both of you, THANK YOU. I am empowered by your words and advice. I'm in a pretty low spot right now and the kind of advice you are providing is exactly what I need.

The KEY is to remove all opportunity. You have to focus on action steps, not flowery philosophizing. You ARE NOT a man who can live in a sexualized world without removing the opportunities to cheat.

What is your plan to do this?

That�s sick and sad. It makes me feel sad for the women that are preyed upon and pity for the men that would stoop so low. I�m sorry this has been your experience. [/quote]

It is the experience of AA. Just think about it for a minute. A group of very sick people with no boundaries, coming together to discuss personal problems. The perfect scenario for a pick up joint.


Please cut the poetry and self pity and focus on an action plan. I have told you what to do. Go to your wife with an ACTION PLAN that will effect real, radical change in her life. Did you read my posts?

What are you crying for? You are not the victim here.

Will your wife come here and post to us?


Then she should divorce you. If you can't change careers to something that is SAFE for her, she needs to get out of this marriage. The other alternative would be for her to be with you 24/7. You should never be alone on a computer again.


As an AA member of 31 years, I know even a wetbrain could find a way around that. There are so many holes in that plan, one hardly knows where to start. This is not a plan to remove opportunity but window dressing for your wife.


Oh stop. Despising liars does not stop a person from lying. Saying this does not reassure people. It is empty, meaningless talk.


Making a "commitment" to not be a liar is not worth the paper it is written on. you have made this commitment many, many times before. You made a commitment in your vows. Stop making commitments that you won't keep and arrange your life so this can never happen again.

Your wife needs to hold you accountable and that will never happen if you are driving the ship. Will she come here and post to us?

It would help us help you if you would lose the drama and start speaking - and thinking - in straightforward, clear language. Being overly dramatic is a bad habit used by people who live a life of lies. [or are teenage dramaqueens] It only makes people suspicious and I am sure it bothers your wife.

As they told me in AA 30 years ago: "cut the bullsh**."

This is another example of the melodramatic things you must not say. For a start, it isn't true. Melody does not despise you - she does not know you. She might well despise the lifestyle you have been leading (as, indeed, do you), but nobody posting regularly on this forum would despise someone who comes here looking for help. What would be the point of that? Why would we post here?

This is a forum offering an action plan for those seeking help. Let's focus on your action plan, and leave the drama outside the door.

Read this and also listen to the all the radio clips in it.
Dr. Harley on The Scourge of Pornography