I see that you have a lot of control over what is happening now. You are going to have to hand over that control. It doesn't help your wife monitor you if you have access to the monitoring accounts, etc.
Does your wife want to stay married?
Have you both been tested for STIs?

This is an action-oreinted forum. We want to know what actions have been taken. Promises mean nothing, as you have proven. Only actions matter.

Is your career more important than your marriage?

Your marriage will never recover from the massive amount of damage you have created if you do not put the marriage FIRST. If you continue to put your career first and your marriage second, it will never recover.

I do not see a man here who is 100% committed to making amends to his wife. I see a man who is full of fluffy words and 'will consider' the most important actions he needs to take. To me, that says you do not *really* want to close the door of opportunity to continue this behavior. Your wife is not safe with you, at all.

Can you send your wife here to post so that we know that you have been fully honest with her? So that we can help her establish a safety checklist? She will only be safe through verifying. You are not in a positive to follow up with her.

You all are helping me create my plan. I am considering your words about removing all opportunities to cheat too. Please understand that my job/career is something I have to offer to my family and my marriage. To change it is to rip away the only safety net my wife has left.

Noted. Thanks.

Yes, I am reading very post. Perhaps you overestimate my powers of perception - I started an action plan this morning for myself but didn�t realize I was showing it to my wife until you pointed it out here.

Guilt, shame, and defeat. All cause pain and tears.

She�s reading every post. She was a member here long before I was. I asked her if I could join a forum she was on and ask for help.

This isn�t what AA teaches. And it�s not my life. I�m not addicted to my computer. I�m a successful businessman. My wife does not want me to give that up, I assure you. Losing my job would be grounds for divorce at this point. I�m not defending my actions, I�m telling how it is, no [censored].

No, Ma�am. 5 Fortune 100 companies disagree with you. The monitoring program I bought is the best there is. Research it on your own and see if you can find a single person that found a way around it. There aren�t any.

I didn�t do this for my wife, I did it for myself and for my marriage. I am excited to show that the man she thought I was exists.

It means something to me, from me. You don�t have to believe me. I do. I know my heart and what my intentions/reasons are. I understand what you are saying though. I need more than words to myself or others - I need a written plan of action that my wife can see and hold my actions accountable to. I need the action plan to effect real change. I get your point.

Tangible, written, and real. Thats how I read your voice here and that�s how I�ll create my action plan.

She was privy to the first post and every post thereafter. If you can help save my marriage, please go ahead and speak. She is listening.

Working on it, thanks. I type how I talk. I�m willing to change whatever needs to be changed. If using words like �thanks�, �pursuing her heart�, and other things is [censored] or dramatic, I�m guilty of it. I want your help or I wouldn�t be here. Thanks for your input and the time you are putting into helping me - no [censored].

You�re right. Thank you.

I'll do it today before lunch. Thanks.

Agreed. I am showing her how to access the monitoring accounts this evening. She will then change the passwords so I don't have access.

Yes, I believe she does.

I got extensive testing done immediately after confessing everything. We are STD free.

Understood. That's why I'm here. I need tangible action. Glad I'm in the right place. The no BS answers are my language and I am grateful for them.

I'll write my action plan down and post it here.

Perhaps my wife will post so you can see that committing to my career is crucial to the commitment of my marriage and my wife's safety. She and I have discussed this at length. My career isn't for me, it's for my family. She feels the same and my long term actions outside of my addiction have proven it. I would have messed this up regardless of where I was or where I wasn't. That's the nature of addiction. Despite this, do appreciate your concern and will consider your words.

She's here and reading. She may or may not post. She joined here years ago.

I�ll consider this strongly and act accordingly.


This is a complicated question. I�ll spare you the long answer by telling you the way it is: I�m a sex addict. In no way does this constitute any attempt to hook my wife. That would be manipulate and therefore a lie. I�m done with that. Others with a sex addiction well understand my actions. Non-sex addicts probably never will.


I�ll talk to someone. Im no stranger to bi-polar people and treatments. If I�m bi-polar, I�ll seek proper medical attention.

I consider most things before acting. It�s the way I am. Being measured in my decisions is the opposite of being bi-polar. But I will still consider your words regarding such.

Giving up financial �control� isn�t difficult for me. For most of our marriage, she handled the money.

I run a company. It�s not feasible for me to live without access to funds. My wife and I have discussed this. She and I are on the same page. If she wanted me to quit my job and move to Antartica, I would. We made the decision to maintain my career and handling of the finances together, as a means of protecting her from more hurt.

I will talk to someone. I�m not afraid to see a psychiatrist. It will take time to find the right person. In the interim, I�ll see professional guidance regarding a bi-polar diagnoses and treatment options.

I�ve never lied about anything except my sex addition. However, I agree with you completely that my wife should have full discloser from whomever I see. Good advice.


Feeling powerful and energetic do not describe me. I will still seek professional guidance.


I am not a tech guy. But I completely agree with the monitoring being a good thing. For me, it isn�t having her watching me that compels me to do this, it�s the chance to effectively build real trust with tangible actions. I need to think about the best way to do this. I�ll add it to my action plan once I have it figured out.

PHM, Wayward Husbands who try to cut corners do not make it.

I don't know what PHM means?

PHM = PleaseHelpMe02
It is your name.

Oh ok. I do not want to cut corners. Your words hit me pretty hard. I'll post my action plan here for your honest feedback.

No, to continue in a job that has you on the computer is the GREATEST THREAT to your marriage. It allows you the freedom to commit adultery and that is a grave threat to your wife. You will be divorced if you don't find another career. WE will advise your wife to separate from you if you don't because she is NOT SAFE.



But are you following the plan of ACTION we have outlined? If you are, you need to indicate that and respond.


It comes across as quite dramatic, rather than serious. It is like the rapist who cries for himself while his victim lays bleeding on the ground.


What is her board name?


AA has no earthly idea how to save marriages. Even so, AA does teach that you stay out of the bar and get the booze out of your house. Your little computer job is the BAR. That is part of the problem. And will continue being the problem until this changes.

*NOT* losing your job will be grounds for divorce because Dr Harley will tell her to leave you if you don't find a job that is SAFE for her.


Even an 8 yr old could find a way around that. You installed it and can turn it off anytime. And you can also just use any other computer. This is not a solution.


That's nice that you "did it for yourself" while your wife lays bleeding on the ground. What an unbelievably SELFISH thing to say.


Talk is cheap, so please knock it off. Your "heart" has led you to do despicable, evil things to your wife so lets not go there. A plan of "action" does not include empty "promises" and "commitments" from a dishonest person. Your wife should ignore EVERYTHING you say and only focus on ACTIONS that she can see with her own eyes.


Dear Wife, please start your own thread. There is a very narrow path for recovery and if you don't follow that path this will fail. A big part of the problem is your inability to be with him 24/7. Anything short of that, will not work and you are better off getting divorced. It is his LIFESTYLE that is the problem and unless he makes a radical change in his LIEFSTYLE, starting with the job, this will be your future.


Good!

WE have posted the ACTION plan for recovery. Did you read it?

Your best thinking led your marriage into the ditch. So far, you have only posted ways to cut corners. That is not a "plan!" You need to follow our plan.

Yes, I read the plan: quite my job. Put myself in a place where I am either monitored 24/7 or with my wife. Is this correct (not being facetious in any way and asking genuinely)?

Find an occupation where you are together 24/7 and CAN'T get on a computer unless she is right there beside you.