If you are a man struggling with sex addiction/sexual temptation, please stop here. My story is sorid and ugly, and I never want to hinder another man�s progress.

I started looking at porn when I was a little kid. I�ve looked at it off and on until this or last month. I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. She did not know about the porn. There were year long spells with no porn sprinkled throughout my past.

In 2004, my wife discovered the porn. It was so upsetting for her that she went into premature labor with our second son. He spent the next several weeks in the nicu. That�s right, I almost killed my son with my porn addiction. Yet I didn�t stop. In fact, my depravity grew.

In 2006 my porn addiction grew into an affair. It wasn�t a drawn out emotional affair, but rather a one time drunken fling with a much older woman. My wife literally walked in on us. She has terrible flashbacks to this day that cause her to physically shudder in pain.

In 2006 I committed my life to God, quit looking at porn, and was honest with my wife regarding all things. I also didn�t work for 6 months (I lost a fantastic career as a result of the affair) and when I did work, I didn�t make enough money to support our family of 5. I was porn/sex addiction free for the next 2-3 years. Then one day I wasn�t anymore. I screwed up - I looked at porn. That itself wasn�t what ruined me. Hiding it, turning it into a lie, is what ruined me. That one time turned into two, into five, into ten, and the lie was too big to reveal without massive damage to my still recovering marriage.

In 2010 I �woke up�. I had a realization that I didn�t like who I was and I decided to change. This entailed a new career and a new confidence about life. From 2010 until 2016 my marriage blossomed, my career blossomed, and I lived the best years of my life. My wife felt this way too. Except for one thing. I was a sex addict. My porn addiction turned into seeking out escorts in 2014. From January 2014 until April 2016 I sought out 27 escorts for a total of 44 encounters. My sexual depravity grew in other areas of my life too. I started to seek out attention from women other than escorts, flirting with waitresses, co-workers, etc. All of this was done in secret. My wife had no idea. In all other areas of my life, I was incredibly happy, and very blessed. Sexually, I was a monster. I packed the sex up into a little box and buried it in a corner of my mind. My wife would ask for reassurance and I would go to great lengths to convey my undying love for her. My love was real. My reassurance was misplaced and dishonest.

In April, I met an escort that turned into a personal relationship. I never had feelings for the girl, but I treated her as if I did, buying her gifts, paying her bills, and taking her to dinner. She lives in a different state and I booked plane tickets to visit her. My sex addiction had grown to a level I could no longer hide in a box. I stopped sleeping. I started sweating profusely at night, consumed with guilt. Finally, on May 11th, I confessed what was happening to my wife. At first, I told her I was having an affair. It took another day before I found the courage to tell her about the escorts. We �celebrated� a very painful 16th anniversary on May 13th.

My wife never once in our marriage said no to sex. I could write a book filled with the incredible and adventurous sexual experiences she gave me. My wife has always fed me, taken care of our children, and respected me, even when it was hard. My wife is the most beautiful woman I�ve ever seen. If I was to post a picture here, you all would agree. In short, I have the best wife imaginable.

The last two weeks have been an unimaginable rollercoaster. I still live at home. I�ve still been treated to sex with my bride. But she�s broken. Her love for me, a love that was beyond incredible, dying everyday. I know her mind, and anyone else that hears our story, are telling her to leave. I believe her heart is confused. She loves me and wants an un-broken home for our sons, but she desires to flee too.

I�m beyond sorry. I clearly see where I went astray after the horrible things I did in 2006. Post affair/losing our job, I dedicated much time to walking with God. When I quit trusting in him and started trusting in myself, I fell again. This time I�m doing it different. I�ve enrolled in an every mans battle conference, I�ve joined AA because they have the most proven/thorough addiction program available. In short, before I failed to prepare myself for a life without a sex addiction. I won�t make that mistake again. Im consumed with shame and guilt to the point that my body shakes uncontrollably.

My wife has to be feeling that the last 16 years were a complete waste of her life. I need her. I need her more than I can put into words. I couldn�t be honest before because I was trapped in the middle of a lie covered addiction. I�m not anymore. I�m free to win. And I will.

I need help. I need advice. If you feel that it would help, I�ll take your admonishment too. I�ll take anything you can give me to help me rebuild what was a perfect marriage. I am especially interested in hearing from any woman that has had her husband commit similar injustices against you. Specifically, how can I best love and fight for my wife?

Hi pleasehelpme, welcome to Marriage Builders. The reason this keeps happening is because you don't have a PLAN to prevent it from happening again. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. Lots of talk about how "sorry" you are, how you "woke up," and plans to join multiple organizations won't make a difference. Even turning your life over to God will make no difference if you don't implement extraordinary precautions to prevent this from ever happening again. God is not a cosmic puppeteer who will stop you from doing something against your will. If you won't follow a plan to completely affair proof your marriage, you are not a safe person for your wife.

The extraordinary precautions in your situation would be to set up your life so you are together 24/7. You can't very well commit adultery if she is in the same room. You should also never be on the computer alone again. She should have passwords to absolutely everything. Your life should be arranged so it would be physically impossible to ever view porn or commit adultery again. Anything short of that leaves her in great danger.

Has your wife had STD testing?

You are an alcoholic? AA is for alcoholics.

I agree with you. AA has the most effective addiction recovery plan I could find. I'm not just using it, but looking at others as well. I agree very much that if I don't take steps to eliminate the addiction and the lies, it I am doomed for it to happen again. I have been foolish, but am not a fool. I will get help. Thank you for re-enforcing how important it is.

I will consider your words about the time and passwords. I agree that complete transparency is crucial.

Yes, we've been tested.

I started with Sex Addicts Anonymous (yes I feel very ashamed writing that). The sponsor I met through there guided to me AA. I am still with that sponsor and we are working through the 12 steps together.

Melody, can you please give me advice about how to best hold my wife heart right now? Thank you.

Your timeline appears very cyclical. Are you or have you ever been diagnosed as bi-polar?

Underlying mental disorders/illness needs to be addressed first and foremost. Have you shared this story with a psychiatrist?

Were you soliciting prostitutes off the streets too?

Have you spent yourself (and your family) into debt/bankruptcy?

You shouldn't have access to a $1 bill or a credit card in your name ever again.

What has to be eliminated is the OPPORTUNITY to view porn and commit adultery. Nothing will change until that changes. You won't lie and you won't be addicted if never again have that opportunity. THAT is the key.


And that won't be enough. In your case, your life has to be so transparent that it would be impossible to cheat again. For example, you hsould not ever be on a computer again unless your wife is sitting right there right there with you. You should not be out of her sight again.

You should not be going to AA meetings. Those are closed meetings that are intended to be a private, safe space for alcoholics. That is a violation of our anonymity, and secondly, co-ed AA meetings are notorious pick up places. You don't need to be hanging around AA meetings. It takes valuable time away from your marriage.

Show her a PLAN of action that does not allow ANY opportunity ever. Remove all opportunity from your life. Otherwise, we will advise her to get divorced for her own personal safety. You are not safe until that happens.

Almost all of your first post was about regret, remorse, going to meetings, "waking up," etc, but no PLAN to remove all opportunity.

Exactly....how many epiphanies do you expect your wife to believe?

She's not ever going to believe a word you say again (why should she?) which is why the only way to "hold my wife's heart right now" is to never leave her sight and a commitment that that rule will remain in place forever after (not until you next manic cycle).

I think you need to quit using dramatic flowery vague phrases like holding hearts and waking up and start doing concrete things that will make repeat episodes IMPOSSIBLE.

If you don't have the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley, buy the ebook version and download it and read it immediately. If you don't have the Marriage Builders app download it and start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show daily immediately. Learn the plan that actually works instead of trying to do what you think will work (like "holding her heart," whatever that means).

Thank you for responding. I am not bi-polar. I am addict. Outside of the addiction I am a very stable, dependable person. Most addiction resources talk a lot about this characteristic.

I have not shared with a psychiatrist.

No, I was not soliciting prostitutes off the street.

No, I didn't harm my families finances.

I'll consider your words about not having access to money.

Do you have any advice regarding how to fight for my wife's heart?

Did you read my posts? I gave you that advice.

I believe the key is to be a man that can live in a sexualized world and still be faithful to himself, his family, and his wife. If I can�t do this, I won�t live.

I agree with this. Thank you.

Melody, I am not attending meetings. I attended a call for men with my problem. Through that, I was introduced to a sponsor. My sponsor is walking me through the steps. Our support group is people who have struggled with our addition and it�s all men. I haven�t been to an actual meeting. There isn�t one in my area.

That�s sick and sad. It makes me feel sad for the women that are preyed upon and pity for the men that would stoop so low. I�m sorry this has been your experience.

Thank you. When she pushes me away in disgust, and says she doesn�t want to look at me, do I sit quietly in the room because my heart longs for her, or do I go into another room and cry? I need to know the heart of a woman and how to best care for her during these times?

This is tangible advice I can cling to, thank you. I can�t be away from the computer/phone. I have a career that requires it. I did buy a service that details every action happening on both devices and sorts/stores them for her to see. I bought the service two days ago. I�ll make sure they are operating and show her how to use them tonight. I should have done it last night. I sense the urgency in this and will get it done. Thank you.

Noted. Thank you. Step one was honesty. I needed to come clean about everything. Step two was a commitment to myself and to her to not be a liar. I despise nothing more than I despise a liar, yet that�s exactly what I was. I won�t live being a liar anymore. Step three was to install the monitoring service on my devices. Step four will be to show her how to access the devices. Based on another post, it sounds like step five needs to be providing complete transparency with our finances. She has full access now, but that isn�t enough. I need to be showing her, not forcing her to go look. I�ll consider this strongly today and come up with a firm plan for doing this.

Melody, I know you must despise me. I do too. But the feedback you provided above isn�t falling on deaf ears. Thank you for taking time to respond.

Yes Ma'am. I'm rereading them too. My response is slow, but your advice is much appreciated.

Those aren't dramatic flowery words, it's how I talk. But you are correct - it's too vague. I need a firm actionable plan. Thank you for putting it in that perspective.

THANK YOU. I need actionable advice that I can hold myself accountable to. I will do everything you recommended TODAY. Thank you.

Both of you, THANK YOU. I am empowered by your words and advice. I'm in a pretty low spot right now and the kind of advice you are providing is exactly what I need.

The KEY is to remove all opportunity. You have to focus on action steps, not flowery philosophizing. You ARE NOT a man who can live in a sexualized world without removing the opportunities to cheat.

What is your plan to do this?

That�s sick and sad. It makes me feel sad for the women that are preyed upon and pity for the men that would stoop so low. I�m sorry this has been your experience. [/quote]

It is the experience of AA. Just think about it for a minute. A group of very sick people with no boundaries, coming together to discuss personal problems. The perfect scenario for a pick up joint.


Please cut the poetry and self pity and focus on an action plan. I have told you what to do. Go to your wife with an ACTION PLAN that will effect real, radical change in her life. Did you read my posts?

What are you crying for? You are not the victim here.

Will your wife come here and post to us?


Then she should divorce you. If you can't change careers to something that is SAFE for her, she needs to get out of this marriage. The other alternative would be for her to be with you 24/7. You should never be alone on a computer again.


As an AA member of 31 years, I know even a wetbrain could find a way around that. There are so many holes in that plan, one hardly knows where to start. This is not a plan to remove opportunity but window dressing for your wife.


Oh stop. Despising liars does not stop a person from lying. Saying this does not reassure people. It is empty, meaningless talk.


Making a "commitment" to not be a liar is not worth the paper it is written on. you have made this commitment many, many times before. You made a commitment in your vows. Stop making commitments that you won't keep and arrange your life so this can never happen again.

Your wife needs to hold you accountable and that will never happen if you are driving the ship. Will she come here and post to us?

It would help us help you if you would lose the drama and start speaking - and thinking - in straightforward, clear language. Being overly dramatic is a bad habit used by people who live a life of lies. [or are teenage dramaqueens] It only makes people suspicious and I am sure it bothers your wife.

As they told me in AA 30 years ago: "cut the bullsh**."

This is another example of the melodramatic things you must not say. For a start, it isn't true. Melody does not despise you - she does not know you. She might well despise the lifestyle you have been leading (as, indeed, do you), but nobody posting regularly on this forum would despise someone who comes here looking for help. What would be the point of that? Why would we post here?

This is a forum offering an action plan for those seeking help. Let's focus on your action plan, and leave the drama outside the door.

Read this and also listen to the all the radio clips in it.
Dr. Harley on The Scourge of Pornography

I see that you have a lot of control over what is happening now. You are going to have to hand over that control. It doesn't help your wife monitor you if you have access to the monitoring accounts, etc.
Does your wife want to stay married?
Have you both been tested for STIs?

This is an action-oreinted forum. We want to know what actions have been taken. Promises mean nothing, as you have proven. Only actions matter.

Is your career more important than your marriage?

Your marriage will never recover from the massive amount of damage you have created if you do not put the marriage FIRST. If you continue to put your career first and your marriage second, it will never recover.

I do not see a man here who is 100% committed to making amends to his wife. I see a man who is full of fluffy words and 'will consider' the most important actions he needs to take. To me, that says you do not *really* want to close the door of opportunity to continue this behavior. Your wife is not safe with you, at all.

Can you send your wife here to post so that we know that you have been fully honest with her? So that we can help her establish a safety checklist? She will only be safe through verifying. You are not in a positive to follow up with her.

You all are helping me create my plan. I am considering your words about removing all opportunities to cheat too. Please understand that my job/career is something I have to offer to my family and my marriage. To change it is to rip away the only safety net my wife has left.

Noted. Thanks.

Yes, I am reading very post. Perhaps you overestimate my powers of perception - I started an action plan this morning for myself but didn�t realize I was showing it to my wife until you pointed it out here.

Guilt, shame, and defeat. All cause pain and tears.

She�s reading every post. She was a member here long before I was. I asked her if I could join a forum she was on and ask for help.

This isn�t what AA teaches. And it�s not my life. I�m not addicted to my computer. I�m a successful businessman. My wife does not want me to give that up, I assure you. Losing my job would be grounds for divorce at this point. I�m not defending my actions, I�m telling how it is, no [censored].

No, Ma�am. 5 Fortune 100 companies disagree with you. The monitoring program I bought is the best there is. Research it on your own and see if you can find a single person that found a way around it. There aren�t any.

I didn�t do this for my wife, I did it for myself and for my marriage. I am excited to show that the man she thought I was exists.

It means something to me, from me. You don�t have to believe me. I do. I know my heart and what my intentions/reasons are. I understand what you are saying though. I need more than words to myself or others - I need a written plan of action that my wife can see and hold my actions accountable to. I need the action plan to effect real change. I get your point.

Tangible, written, and real. Thats how I read your voice here and that�s how I�ll create my action plan.

She was privy to the first post and every post thereafter. If you can help save my marriage, please go ahead and speak. She is listening.

Working on it, thanks. I type how I talk. I�m willing to change whatever needs to be changed. If using words like �thanks�, �pursuing her heart�, and other things is [censored] or dramatic, I�m guilty of it. I want your help or I wouldn�t be here. Thanks for your input and the time you are putting into helping me - no [censored].

You�re right. Thank you.

I'll do it today before lunch. Thanks.

Agreed. I am showing her how to access the monitoring accounts this evening. She will then change the passwords so I don't have access.

Yes, I believe she does.

I got extensive testing done immediately after confessing everything. We are STD free.

Understood. That's why I'm here. I need tangible action. Glad I'm in the right place. The no BS answers are my language and I am grateful for them.

I'll write my action plan down and post it here.

Perhaps my wife will post so you can see that committing to my career is crucial to the commitment of my marriage and my wife's safety. She and I have discussed this at length. My career isn't for me, it's for my family. She feels the same and my long term actions outside of my addiction have proven it. I would have messed this up regardless of where I was or where I wasn't. That's the nature of addiction. Despite this, do appreciate your concern and will consider your words.

She's here and reading. She may or may not post. She joined here years ago.

I�ll consider this strongly and act accordingly.


This is a complicated question. I�ll spare you the long answer by telling you the way it is: I�m a sex addict. In no way does this constitute any attempt to hook my wife. That would be manipulate and therefore a lie. I�m done with that. Others with a sex addiction well understand my actions. Non-sex addicts probably never will.


I�ll talk to someone. Im no stranger to bi-polar people and treatments. If I�m bi-polar, I�ll seek proper medical attention.

I consider most things before acting. It�s the way I am. Being measured in my decisions is the opposite of being bi-polar. But I will still consider your words regarding such.

Giving up financial �control� isn�t difficult for me. For most of our marriage, she handled the money.

I run a company. It�s not feasible for me to live without access to funds. My wife and I have discussed this. She and I are on the same page. If she wanted me to quit my job and move to Antartica, I would. We made the decision to maintain my career and handling of the finances together, as a means of protecting her from more hurt.

I will talk to someone. I�m not afraid to see a psychiatrist. It will take time to find the right person. In the interim, I�ll see professional guidance regarding a bi-polar diagnoses and treatment options.

I�ve never lied about anything except my sex addition. However, I agree with you completely that my wife should have full discloser from whomever I see. Good advice.


Feeling powerful and energetic do not describe me. I will still seek professional guidance.


I am not a tech guy. But I completely agree with the monitoring being a good thing. For me, it isn�t having her watching me that compels me to do this, it�s the chance to effectively build real trust with tangible actions. I need to think about the best way to do this. I�ll add it to my action plan once I have it figured out.

PHM, Wayward Husbands who try to cut corners do not make it.

I don't know what PHM means?

PHM = PleaseHelpMe02
It is your name.

Oh ok. I do not want to cut corners. Your words hit me pretty hard. I'll post my action plan here for your honest feedback.

No, to continue in a job that has you on the computer is the GREATEST THREAT to your marriage. It allows you the freedom to commit adultery and that is a grave threat to your wife. You will be divorced if you don't find another career. WE will advise your wife to separate from you if you don't because she is NOT SAFE.



But are you following the plan of ACTION we have outlined? If you are, you need to indicate that and respond.


It comes across as quite dramatic, rather than serious. It is like the rapist who cries for himself while his victim lays bleeding on the ground.


What is her board name?


AA has no earthly idea how to save marriages. Even so, AA does teach that you stay out of the bar and get the booze out of your house. Your little computer job is the BAR. That is part of the problem. And will continue being the problem until this changes.

*NOT* losing your job will be grounds for divorce because Dr Harley will tell her to leave you if you don't find a job that is SAFE for her.


Even an 8 yr old could find a way around that. You installed it and can turn it off anytime. And you can also just use any other computer. This is not a solution.


That's nice that you "did it for yourself" while your wife lays bleeding on the ground. What an unbelievably SELFISH thing to say.


Talk is cheap, so please knock it off. Your "heart" has led you to do despicable, evil things to your wife so lets not go there. A plan of "action" does not include empty "promises" and "commitments" from a dishonest person. Your wife should ignore EVERYTHING you say and only focus on ACTIONS that she can see with her own eyes.


Dear Wife, please start your own thread. There is a very narrow path for recovery and if you don't follow that path this will fail. A big part of the problem is your inability to be with him 24/7. Anything short of that, will not work and you are better off getting divorced. It is his LIFESTYLE that is the problem and unless he makes a radical change in his LIEFSTYLE, starting with the job, this will be your future.


Good!

WE have posted the ACTION plan for recovery. Did you read it?

Your best thinking led your marriage into the ditch. So far, you have only posted ways to cut corners. That is not a "plan!" You need to follow our plan.

Yes, I read the plan: quite my job. Put myself in a place where I am either monitored 24/7 or with my wife. Is this correct (not being facetious in any way and asking genuinely)?

Find an occupation where you are together 24/7 and CAN'T get on a computer unless she is right there beside you.

I will discuss this deeply with my wife.

Yes. I am following many of the steps and recommendations that have been presented here. I don't want to fail, nor cut corners.

It may come across this way, but the shame and guilt for what I've done are real, not self centered.

That is for her to disclose.

I respectfully disagree with you regarding the AA/SAA program. It teaches people how to succinctly & thoroughly rid themselves of addictive behavior. This is what my marriage needs.

I'd welcome counseling sessions with Dr. Harley for my wife and I. I know you mean well, but until someone has intimately discussed this with my wife, they can't know her heart.

You are ignorant regarding the system I bought. These things are not possible. As far as using another computer, I will consider your words. I hadn't considered that before because it wasn't something I had ever done. It's a valid point and one that I need to address.

What happened to "cutting out the [censored]"? There is nothing constructive about this post. I value your help, but will disregard this comment.

Not so. Did your heart lead you to drink? This is a gentle question. Examine your spirit and you will realize that an addiction is often a violation of our own hearts.

I like this advice. It's tangible and something she can immediately use to start determining the correct course of action for herself. I'm here to learn what actions to take. You've helped immensely.

I don't blame anyone, nor anything, for my actions. A different lifestyle would not have prevented what I've done. I am listening when you say a different lifestyle is key to preventing it. My tone is not defensive. I am reading, listening, and considering.

Clear and concise. Again, I do value your input and am considering your words.

Ask her right now to allow you to disclose it here.

Ew. Would you please stop this?

But you aren't DOING, so it's all for naught. I hope your wife is reading.

Hi all. Thank you SO much for taking the time to help us with our horrible situation. I'm the wife. <3 I have read everything and appreciate your help and input. I wrote my story on this forum too:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2882526&#Post2882526

What does "deeply" mean? Is your wife reading this thread? Does she understand there won't be a marriage if you don't get a job that is not a risk to your marriage?

Yes. I am following many of the steps and recommendations that have been presented here. I don't want to fail, nor cut corners. [/quote]

Ok, that is good. But you need to follow ALL the steps. This cannot be cherry picked. Half measures will avail you nothing. It is just like AA. It is not the cafeteria program. You can skip steps, but you will only end up with a failed marriage.

I respectfully disagree with you regarding the AA/SAA program. It teaches people how to succinctly & thoroughly rid themselves of addictive behavior. This is what my marriage needs.[/quote]

I would happen to know how it works as I have been sober in AA for 31 years. You have NO basis on which to disagree.

I'd welcome counseling sessions with Dr. Harley for my wife and I. I know you mean well, but until someone has intimately discussed this with my wife, they can't know her heart. [/quote]

Dr Harley doesn't care about your wife's "heart;" he cares that you follow the advice we are giving you here since it came from HIM.

If you would like to verify that, you can email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com


There are endless loopholes and no, I am not ignorant. You are ignorant if you don't understand that we know that you know there are ways around any keylogger. Like I said, even a wetbrain can figure that out.

What happened to "cutting out the [censored]"? There is nothing constructive about this post. I value your help, but will disregard this comment. [/quote]

There is nothing constructive about saying you did it for "yourself" and not your wife when you have just knifed her in the back. The fact that you said such a callous thing tells me you aer not a good judge of what is constructive and what is not.

Not so. Did your heart lead you to drink? This is a gentle question. Examine your spirit and you will realize that an addiction is often a violation of our own hearts. [/quote]

Another emotional statement that has no meaning.


So you would have committed adultery and viewed porn if she were sitting next to you all day? Is that what you are trying to tell me?

Are you here to learn, PLM? Because your plan has failed multiple times. Your way does not work. Stop tryingto tell ML off.

Also, is GreySeason really your wife? Because the prose is almost identical to yours.

Also, the registration is new.

Please stop. Yes, that's my wife. Yes, we talk the same, type similarly, and think alike. We've been lifetime sweethearts. I covet that. Anyway, yes, it's her. A mod can verify via IP address that we aren't in the same vicinity. Please don't question this again in her thread. It's painful and she doesn't deserve it.

I don't know what you are trying to say?

Hi apples
I assure you that greyseason is me, the wife. I just registered right now. Is there any way I can confirm that it's me?

Yes, she is reading.

�Deeply� means that we both love our lives, but are clinging desperately to our marriage. We need time to talk and think together about everything you are saying.

Thank you. You are right, skip steps and its all for naught. The big book is clear about this from the very beginning.

Melody, I didn�t know you had been sober for 31 years. Thank you for sharing that. I�m struggling with your advice regarding my career, and not for selfish reasons. But I am listening and searching.

I�ll email him as soon as I hit �post� on this response.

Then I am both a wet-brain and ignorant. I researched thoroughly and came to different conclusions. I�ll email Dr Harley immediately and ask for advice and solutions.

Not so. Did your heart lead you to drink? This is a gentle question. Examine your spirit and you will realize that an addiction is often a violation of our own hearts.

I read this statement over and over until I could understand what you were saying. You are saying that if it�s not a visible, tangible action, it does not matter, correct?

No, you are correct. If she were next to me, I would not have done what I did.

I can�t ask my wife to live a life where she has to babysit me because of my addiction. This isn�t the life she deserves. If this is truly the case, she will probably leave. It will be the end of me.

Stop trying to tell ML how to recover from addiction (she has done it, you haven't) and stop emoting all over the place.

Your wife has every right to leave. She gets to decide if she wants to do what it takes, not you. Stop trying to control your wife's opinion and choices. Start being open to her in all your life if you want to prove recovery can work.

Have you read the surviving infidelity articles; you seem very unfamiliar with Dr. Harley's plan.

Sir, you have no idea the extent of my emotions. I'm containing them well. I want help. I'm listening. ML has been very caring in taking time to respond throughly, thoughtfully, & constructively. Much is lost in written communication (tone, inflection, body language) and I am doing my best to understand.

1) I am not doing anything to try to control her opinions. 2) I am going to do everything in my power to beg her to stay. I love her and will fight for her hand in marriage.

No. Thanks for the lead. I'll start on them ASAP.

You are 100% correct. I have not been open and that's where this whole mess started - dishonesty. I came clean two weeks ago and will continue to show her who I am, rather than tell her.

Did you oost before? Perhaps we could help you find your old username.

Stop. Flag a post and a moderator will quickly respond. They have other ways of verifying this. Your questioning is unreasonable and disturbing.

I say that, gently, as someone who has an addictive personality.
Melody doesn't need to examine her spirit. She's just fine.

Even if an addiction somehow is a violation of our own hearts .... what then? So? What does that tell you? That you are STILL a good person? Okay ... but then what? What does it matter if you're still a good person if your marriage is in shambles because of what you did??

You don't need to examine your spirit, or your heart, or your whatever either. Around here, we call that naval gazing and it will not save your marriage. Let's not worry about character here, or hearts, or spirits. You need to take ACTION.

I dont care about your emotions; I care about your actions. You need to stop focusing on your emotions so much and focus on your wife.

Stop talking about heart. It is BS. Focus on the action you can take TODAY to prove your commitment.

Have you even looked at how you could change your job situation? Start working on solutions and stop throughing up roadblocks. Mr. Wondering wrote great ideas for how you implement transparency. Instead you choose to argue about AA and talk about searching your heart.

It is reasonable to see how things were addressed at the time. It is only disturbing if you are impersonating your wife.

Thank you, Prisca. Your posts in my wife's thread are very loving. I appreciate that very much. She deserves love and I've crushed her.

I am a man of action. My entire life outside of my addiction shows that. I came here looking for an actionable plan. The checklist you posted in my wife's thread is most enlightening because we haven't done most of those things. Action plans like that are most welcome. MelodyLane is adamant that the only actionable thing that matters now is that I quit my career, the cornerstone of our lives. I don't question that MLs intentions are good. But this is a massive step that must be carefully considered. I am emailing Dr. Harley. I'll do whatever it takes to save my marriage. Anything. I just need to be prudent and wise about it. Again, thank you for your love towards my wife and your advice for me.

Apples, I loved Mr. Wondering's post. I immediately sought out security measures just like what he recommended for my office. I'm doing similar for my office. Again, his ideas are exactly what I need.

You care about my actions. Thank you for caring at all - seriously. Here was my action plan for today. It may be woefully inadequate - I'll leave it up to you and others here who care to help me make tomorrow's action plan more substantive.

Action Plan 5/26/16:
1) read �Scourge of Pornography� article
2) complete step 4 work
3) contact sponsor
4) listen to Marriage Builder daily podcast
5) continue reading Every Mans Battle
6) show her how to use mspy, have her change passwords and associated email account

It's disturbing for her. Please try to understand and handle your question through the appropriate channels.

You need to read Dr. Harley's Infidelity articles before anything else. Then the book Surviving an affair. Then you can move on to other material. Anything else is kicking the can down the road. You need to deal with the Affairs first.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Is your sponsor a man?

I have a reading list that looks like this:
Every Mans Battle
The Most Personal Battle
Surviving Affairs

If it's critical that I rearrange this list, I certainly will. Please advise.

Yes.

Move Surviving an Affair to the top. It is the most urgent need and includes a plan for recovery. The others wont help you with the plan for recovery.

I agree with MelodyLane. Your marriage doesn't have any hope unless you change careers.

I'll look for a printable PDF so I can start tonight. Thanks.

Noted.

If you want to get up to speed really fast, read the book, then get the archive and listen to a bunch of segments on Serial Cheaters. You need to focus and drill down on the plan if you want to save your marriage. The other books are a distraction right now.

You don't understand. This is not "melodylane's" personal advice, this is what DR HARLEY advises people to do in your situation.

My "intention" is only to guide you in what Dr HArley can and does advise in these situations. DR HARLEY is "adamant" that the environment that led to the affairs is changed. In your case it is a career that keeps you on the computer.

Also, you have been traveling for your job. Not even one more night apart. Either your wife comes or you don't go.

In ADDITION to the checklist of extraordinary precautions, I would follow Mr. Wondering's advice to schedule with a psychiatrist. You have extreme cravings for extreme experiences. Just because the man she married is in there doesn't mean that the guy who needs a rush will disappear. Prevent the druggie from hurting her by following EPs, and get a psychiatrist to help you level out your cravings.

Please listen to the clips in here.
Serial Cheaters

I see you're still not living by extraordinary precautions and not protecting your Wife or your marriage.