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Originally Posted by greyseason
Ok...I have read up a little on Plan B. Here are my fears and questions regarding it:

1. He is very big and strong with extreme anger issues and initiating Plan B would anger him. I'm afriad.

2. Doing this would 100% throw him into another woman's arms. He CANNOT be alone. Yes, he is already going to others for sex, but Plan B would cause him to go for emotional needs as well. That is a very painful thought for me.

3. I still love him intensely. Not talking to him would be very difficult.

4. He would blame me even more. He would say I'm abandoning and rejecting him and he already struggles with receiving all of his value from me. (an entirely different topic to discuss)

I realize this sounds weak, but I'm just trying to be open and appreciate your feedback.

I would put those fears aside and go into plan b. Our goal is not to help you follow irrational emotions but to save your mental health. If you can't put aside your emotions and follow a plan there isn't anything we can do for you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by greyseason
Ok...I have read up a little on Plan B. Here are my fears and questions regarding it:

1. He is very big and strong with extreme anger issues and initiating Plan B would anger him. I'm afriad.

You won't know if he gets angry because you are in Plan B. He won't be able to contact you! laugh

Quote
2. Doing this would 100% throw him into another woman's arms. He CANNOT be alone. Yes, he is already going to others for sex, but Plan B would cause him to go for emotional needs as well. That is a very painful thought for me.

He is ALREADY IN A WOMAN'S ARMS. And it hurts you deeply. He is already going for "emotional needs." That is the problem! And yes, it is painful. it will be LESS painful in a few weeks after you separate.

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3. I still love him intensely. Not talking to him would be very difficult.

Talking to him and experiencing his infidelity is very difficult. Much more difficult than Plan B. After a few weeks you won't miss him as much and will feel 1000% better.

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4. He would blame me even more. He would say I'm abandoning and rejecting him and he already struggles with receiving all of his value from me. (an entirely different topic to discuss)

NOT your problem! You are not his mommy. There is nothing to discuss.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thank you everyone! Everything I'm reading is new and insightful. I had a couple more questions.

1) What sort of physical and emotional damage takes place with someone who stays in my situation?

2) I'm in quite a bit of heart-wrenching pain and I know you all can relate. What ideas and tools do you have for coping and making it through each day?


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Hi GreySeason, I'm so sorry for your situation. I am also married to a serial cheater. I threw him out and went into Plan B in February this year. It has been an incredible relief for me and I now feel happier and more in control of my life than I have done in years. However, the best benefit I see to Plan B is how it has totally reversed the power dynamics of our relationship.

When we were living together and he was continually betraying me, he was in complete control of both his and my life, while I felt that there was nothing I could do to control his behaviour (and the pain he was constantly inflicting) aside from letting him know how upset I was - but of course that did nothing to influence him. He knew he wasn't making me happy by cheating! He just didn't care! All he wanted was to continue doing the things that gave him a fix, and to pacify me in whatever way he could so that I didn't stop him.

After I threw him out (my WH is also big, strong, angry and occasionally violent but I still managed), however, I began to realise that I could dictate what behaviour I would accept from him and what I wouldn't. I was suddenly in a position to decide that if he continued to behave in a way that I found unacceptable, then he would not be allowed in the house, or even to see or talk to me.

Now the only way he will ever be able to come back to our home is if he comes crawling, ready to do anything to fix our family. It would require a complete personality replacement, so I am not holding out much hope. But knowing that I have protected myself and the children and created a safe, calm home environment for us to live happily while he works out his issues has made me feel so positive and confident for the future - whatever happens with him and his behaviour. I hope that you are able to find the courage to take this step like I have done. It is scary to make such a dramatic break with the past, but it is worth it and you will feel the huge rewards in terms in emotional stability and security within a couple of weeks.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by greyseason
Thank you everyone! Everything I'm reading is new and insightful. I had a couple more questions.

1) What sort of physical and emotional damage takes place with someone who stays in my situation?

2) I'm in quite a bit of heart-wrenching pain and I know you all can relate. What ideas and tools do you have for coping and making it through each day?

You are probably experiencing so many negative consequences already, but you might not recognise them as direct results of the abuse you have been suffering. For me, the daily anxiety associated with his phone and computer, and insecurity of trying to be the best wife to attract him back to the home every day made me a nervous wreck. I felt constant nausea, couldn't sleep properly, had weird eye twitches, and was constantly obsessing about the relationship and what he was doing when he was outside the house in a way that prevented me from concentrating at work or focusing properly on the kids. The stress makes you susceptible to picking up every kind of infection that is doing the rounds, and your mind is so preoccupied with crisis management that you don't look after yourself properly. It definitely damaged my friendships because friends struggle to be with someone who seems to be making choices that contribute to ongoing abuse, and that made me quite reclusive and reluctant to share what was really going on with others - increasing the pressure I was carrying alone.

The absolute best way to deal with the pain is to have a plan of action to address it. No contact with your husband will immediately stop the daily pain he is causing you, and taking the steps to go into plan B will give you control of your own life which is what provides the strength to process what has happened.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by greyseason
Thank you everyone! Everything I'm reading is new and insightful. I had a couple more questions.

1) What sort of physical and emotional damage takes place with someone who stays in my situation?

Nervous breakdowns, suicidal ideation, PTSD and psychosomatic illnesses. Often those illnesses cause permanent damage. Nervous breakdowns often come on very quickly.

Quote
2) I'm in quite a bit of heart-wrenching pain and I know you all can relate. What ideas and tools do you have for coping and making it through each day?

The best thing you can do is put aside your emotions and follow a plan. Your feelings are leading to a very bad place so it is important you put them aside and follow a plan. Once you are completely separated for awhile you will not only feel better but you will have better judgment.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok, I appreciate the support and understanding here. It looks like you all agree that I need a plan of action at this point. I need to think about everything that has been discussed. I truly appreciate it.

And no, I haven't been tested for STDs since last year.

Also, are there men out there who are able to be faithful? Maybe I'm just feeling jaded. I am raising three sons and I'm terrified now. How do we raise sons and keep them away from sexual addiction?


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Originally Posted by greyseason
Also, are there men out there who are able to be faithful? Maybe I'm just feeling jaded. I am raising three sons and I'm terrified now. How do we raise sons and keep them away from sexual addiction?

Start by setting an example showing them that adultery & sexual impropriety is unacceptable and will break up a family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by greyseason
Also, are there men out there who are able to be faithful? Maybe I'm just feeling jaded. I am raising three sons and I'm terrified now. How do we raise sons and keep them away from sexual addiction?

Start by setting an example showing them that adultery & sexual impropriety is unacceptable and will break up a family.

Agree.

I think the best shot you have of raising stable, thriving kids is to get yourself to a place where you are mentally healthy and can give them 100%.

No way that is possible while you are married to a serial cheater.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by greyseason
Also, are there men out there who are able to be faithful? Maybe I'm just feeling jaded. I am raising three sons and I'm terrified now.

Greyseason, I'm sorry for the circumstances you are in, and am praying for you and your sons.

Rest assured, there are men out there who are faithful to their wives, we're not all waywards. There are many betrayed husbands on this forum, who have been faithful & steadfast to their wives and families.

I'm also worried about my son and two daughters, about how my WW's A will affect them in the future. Will they be cheaters? Will they be avoid marriage or serious relationships to prevent going through the pain of an A? It's natural to have these fears, and there are no good answers. (or I'm not aware of any)


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Thank you for the support and the care and prayers!

This is very helpful feedback. I'm so sad. I need to learn how to not let my emotions guide my life and my decisions. I need to use more logic lol.


I had him move out 3 weeks ago. Since then, he has spiraled and has had more sex etc, than ever. He blames me. He said my kicking him out is rejection and if he's truly sick with an addiction I shouldn't abandon him. He said he needs help, not kicked out. How do I respond to this?

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Originally Posted by greyseason
Thank you for the support and the care and prayers!

This is very helpful feedback. I'm so sad. I need to learn how to not let my emotions guide my life and my decisions. I need to use more logic lol.


I had him move out 3 weeks ago. Since then, he has spiraled and has had more sex etc, than ever. He blames me. He said my kicking him out is rejection and if he's truly sick with an addiction I shouldn't abandon him. He said he needs help, not kicked out. How do I respond to this?

You should respond by getting an intermediary and cutting off all contact with him. I would send him a Plan B letter, change your locks, block him on your cell and email and go completely dark. You should also consult a lawyer to make sure you are legally protected. I would send him a Plan B letter that goes something like this:

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your promiscuous lifestyle once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until this ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your lifestyle, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this lifestyle.

With all my love,
(signed)


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by greyseason
Thank you for the support and the care and prayers!

This is very helpful feedback. I'm so sad. I need to learn how to not let my emotions guide my life and my decisions. I need to use more logic lol.


I had him move out 3 weeks ago. Since then, he has spiraled and has had more sex etc, than ever. He blames me. He said my kicking him out is rejection and if he's truly sick with an addiction I shouldn't abandon him. He said he needs help, not kicked out. How do I respond to this?
Have you spoke to your doctor about ADs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Did you ever read this? This will help you with a plan to move forward.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I need to look into ADs. Yes, I'm reading the articles about gasligthing and plan B now. Very helpful! Thank you!

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Originally Posted by greyseason
I need to look into ADs. Yes, I'm reading the articles about gasligthing and plan B now. Very helpful! Thank you!
You're welcome and let us know when you have your plan for Plan B and we can help you with it.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by greyseason
Thank you everyone! Everything I'm reading is new and insightful. I had a couple more questions.

1) What sort of physical and emotional damage takes place with someone who stays in my situation?

Nervous breakdowns, suicidal ideation, PTSD and psychosomatic illnesses. Often those illnesses cause permanent damage. Nervous breakdowns often come on very quickly.
I would add to this list "autoimmune disorders". The constant stress causes your immune system to become hyperactive over time. Eventually, it will start to attack your own tissues. This can occur long after all stress is removed, and the damage is permanent. Think of it like smoking leading to cancer, often years later and even after quitting many years earlier.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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This happened to me. I developed an arrhythmia when it all became too much to bear:

When Marriage Can Hurt a Heart
Marital Strain Can Raise Risk of Death, Heart Disease

Feb. 17, 2005 -- Marital strain is a home wrecker that can endanger the heart. So says a 10-year study of 3,000 men and women aged 18 to 77.

All participants were married or living in a "marital situation." The researchers collected data on marital discord. Health was tracked for a decade to see who developed heart disease or died of any cause during the study.

For both men and women, marital strain affected their health.

Marital Strain and the Married Couple

The worst health risk was seen in women who hushed up when conflicts arose with their spouse. They said they usually or always silenced themselves in such situations.

Those women might have thought they were keeping the peace, but they paid dearly for it. Women who kept mum in marital conflicts had four times the risk of dying during the study, compared with women who spoke their minds.


(source: webMD)


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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