Hi everyone,

I would really appreciate any advice I can get; I am on my wits end�

I�ve been lurking on Dr. Harley website often, but I am having a difficulty digesting positive things.

I have been married for 2 years (I am 24, he is turning 27) since 2014. The only problem, I have depression and social anxiety from a very young age as I come from a broken home of a silent divorce and abusive father, both physically and verbally. This did not help my upbringing, my value, self worth, self-loathe and outlook in life (I also got diagnosed with chronic illnesses in 2007). I vowed to myself I would never marry because �all guys are bad� thanks to my dad. But God brought to me a very good person and loving husband and I saw it is as an opportunity to open a new chapter in my life and be happier.

I got real help (counseling) in the end of 2011 and I actually became much better mid 2013. In 2013, I met my soon-to-be-husband from social media apps/websites. He was always so kind and that didn�t change. He surprised me that he would like to propose to me, I said yes� but, I said yes when my mental health was in better clarity than it is now.

Little did I know my depression took its turn for the worse. One of the worst things about me is that, I do not know how to solve conflicts, and I avoid them, I try to avoid anything that hurts me. Unfortunately I never learned how to solve conflicts in a healthy way in my house, because things never got resolved properly, I did not have the skills. Often time my dad was verbally abusing us, we would go silent and not talk back, and whenever I get into a conflict now, I stay silent, and according to my husband I am �ignoring, talking to a wall, being disrespectful�, but on the inside I am so overwhelmed it is so hard to talk. This is the main issue.

Now � all of this accumulated, and last night, he is doubting his place in my heart, and if I love him, and he needs to know where he is standing� He doesn�t see me fighting for our relationship nor putting any effort.

I couldn�t answer� all what I could think of inside my head were suicidal and negative thoughts.

I am sorry this is the shortest I could tell my story, there is much more but I don�t want to bore everyone with long details� I would appreciate any advice�

I would like to note that I still go to the same counselor but she want us to focus on the individual session on �me� rather than the troubles I have with my husband. I managed to get my husband to the same counselor after quite some time of convincing, but he gets hurt by me with me saying stuff he would not hear in our daily life but say it in the couple session� we are not committed 100% to couple counseling to reasons beyond our control right now.

Which of these is the biggest problem your husband causes for you?

Makes demands of you (tells you what to do)
Disrespectful Judgments toward you
Angry Outbursts toward you
Independent Behavior (does whatever he likes as if you don't exist, whether you like it or not)
Annoying Habits
Dishonesty from him toward you
Lack of Affection from him
Lack of Conversation from him
Lack of Openness and honesty from him
Lack of Financial support from him
Lack of Family commitment from him

Thank you Markos for your fast reply,

I will answer your your queries:

- Makes demands of you (tells you what to do)
He often does it in a form of advice's and expects me to take them in. However, sometimes he would bluntly say "I do expect this from you", and I do take it into consideration and try my best to do it ... For example, looking good for him, and I started to do since 1 month ago and I was planning to keep it on going.

-Disrespectful Judgments toward you
He started doing this after he has been "fed up" with me and my thinking style, since I always assume the worst in everything, including people's intention... and his intention too. It hurts that he doesn't understand depression very well, and with the always heated arguments, they always draw me back to where I was as if there was no progress, and it really hurts.

-Angry Outbursts toward you
Related to above, this only happened after he was "fed up".

-Independent Behavior (does whatever he likes as if you don't exist, whether you like it or not)
Recently has done this with applying to Master without my knowledge that may have a big impact on our life, including relocating for a period of time. The reason he did not tell me: we were sad from each other.

-Annoying Habits
He has annoying habits like any human does, which I don't sweat on it much because "we are both working on them"

-Dishonesty from him toward you
He is not dishonest, thank god

-Lack of Affection from him
I mostly feel this when I am really down and I really need more affection ... but I don't receive it, I don't get so many hugs, sweet talk, telling me I can do it, go through it, be there for me. His form of help is that I need to take his advice to heart and I will be ok .. it doesn't work like that ...

-Lack of Conversation from him
He talks to me about his interests, but hardly anything related to martial relationship before someone gets upset (usually me).

-Lack of Openness and honesty from him
He is quite open and honest, but I forget all the things he said when my mind turns negative and becomes biased toward negative events.

-Lack of Financial support from him
This problem, which is very hard to shake off, stems from me. My father always been stingy with his money, and always talked in front of us kids about his lack of money. We all feel like a "burden". As for my husband, he said many times he is supporting me, but I find it very hard to believe. Recently I have changed the paying method from his credit card to my credit card for Taxi transportation because we got into a fight once and it was easily for me to assume "he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't care about me"

-Lack of Family commitment from him
There are few, but .. we are working on it .. supposedly..

My counselor said I may be treating him like my dad ... put expectations like I do on my dad..

Hope I did not take much of your time.. thank you again Markos

Hello.

Sad to come back after 1yr to say things have not really improved since and just went downhill.

This time I am on the verge of divorce.

I gave him an honest talk, told him we had great times together but we are both aren't happy in the relationship, not happy with both of our efforts and agreed to separate. He agreed.

Few weeks later I discovered this discussion did not result in a 50/50 decision to separate, and he has been telling parents (etc.) that it is something I want to go ahead with. He never said it to my face that this is not how he feels and it is not 50/50. He is still clinging to hope we come back together.

I am suggesting so badly to go to a counselor, but he out-rightly refuse because the previous counselor focused on the small issues and not the big issues that are threatening the marriage. My other suggestion is that I do not want to live with the in-laws anymore because it has been worsening both my mental health and physical health (initial post) which is one of my rights from where I come from, to have our own place.

He is calling my abusive - just because I am insisting on these solutions.

Yes I am very aware that I am insisting on these solutions only, but that is because the psychologist is the only thing that has removed me from the loophole depression creates. I can't think of any other solution that would really help us. As for the house, or at least living in our own place, he keeps saying it a big risk for him, especially when I am not "promising" him anything (+financially). I just don't want to promise again like I did before I married this man, I couldn't hold my promises because I am in a bad shape, my depression got worse all these years together.

I am just so tired and feel very overwhelmed..

What big issues is he seeing that threatens your marriage?

I highly recommend you two go through the Marriage Builders program. It saved my marriage from divorce, and countless others. Dr. Harley focuses on the issues that threaten marriage.

You can call and talk to Dr. Harley for free on his radio show. Maybe your husband might talk to him, if it's free? There is a PLAN here that can save your marriage. It will address emotional abuse and neglect that both of you may be feeling.

If you two will follow this program, you can promise him a life-long happy marriage. That's cheaper than divorce.