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I am new to this, have been reading for a few weeks trying to work through all my stuff. 2 weeks ago today my wife sat me down and told me "I love you but I am not in love with you and not sure if I want to work on our marriage. I have been seeing a therapist for 4 weeks to help me decide." I knew we were having problems I felt like she was going to divorce me and I was just waiting to be served. Work sent me to India for 2 weeks and we talked basically the same as we did during the time I was home, very limited, conversations about the kids. I have 4, 16, 17, 20 and 24. Her patterns changed, going out with friends, staying up late and spending lots of time on the phone talking to old high school friends. Anyway with the help of MB, I did further investigating and and 99.9% sure she is having at minimum an emotional affair and most likely a physical affair across the Internet with this old HS friend. I have suffered in everything, no sleep, unable to concentrate on work etc. I took Friday off becasue I could not concentrate and determined that it was over. This also came from talking to her mother and sister who love me and said they hate betraying her, but they told me she has no intention of trying to work on our marriage. Now I knew. Yesterday we had a 2 hour discussion and she admitted it was over. Still claims he is an old HS friend and they talk late bc he works third shift as a truck driver. We still love one another, just not in that way anymore. Neither of us can afford an attorney, house is upside down, bills everywhere etc. We agreed that we will not turn this into an ugly battle we are going to work through it together. We are going to remain in the house together, but in separate rooms and work on dividing everything. What I am asking for help/advice on is am I crazy? Will this work, can it work? The romance is gone and we love each other in another way and neither of us wants anything bad to happen to the other. Am I crazy can this work?

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Hi mrneedshelp, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. If you want to save your marriage, I would strongly suggest you stop cooperating with any divorce or separation schemes. When you are cooperative with such ideas, it indicates you don't care very much.

The reason she wants to divorce is because she is addicted to the OM. If not for the affair, she would not want to separate. Therefore, your mission is to kill the affair. When you kill the affair you will have a chance to save your marriage. But your first step is to run the OM by exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will cause it to crumble. It will force the affairees to see how ridiculous they look.

I would go read the exposure thread linked in my signature and start making plans.

Quote
Yesterday we had a 2 hour discussion and she admitted it was over.

She feels this way TODAY because she is high on her affair. This is about as meaningless as the rantings of a falling down drunk. The goal is to kill the affair and change her feelings about you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How is that going to help, she has made up her mind, made her decision. After 22 plus years we have fallen apart she has no desire to work on it. My sister and friends say I should get out I will be happier it's a toxic relationship is how things have been defined to me. As I said lost and confused. Have I decided that I do not care and am ready to move on?

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
How is that going to help, she has made up her mind, made her decision. After 22 plus years we have fallen apart she has no desire to work on it. My sister and friends say I should get out I will be happier it's a toxic relationship is how things have been defined to me. As I said lost and confused. Have I decided that I do not care and am ready to move on?

Do you want to save your marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If a falling down drunk tells you "it is over" do you conclude they have the good judgment and sound mind to make such a decision or do you recognize that the alcohol has fogged out their thinking?

Because that is what you are dealing with. Your wife's affair is an addiction and she has the mindset of an alcoholic or a drug addict. She is about as decisive as a falling down drunk. Your goal is to separate her from the source of her addiction so she will be sober.

Your wife is in the FOG due to her affair, so if you want to save your marriage, your goal will be to run off the OM.

Your situation is no different from the many thousands of cases on this forum that have saved their marriages going back 20 years. The question is: do you want to save your marriage or not?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Great question, I change by the minute. I guess I am feeling like it is over and based on everything not salvageable but an hour later I am pissed about everything that is taking place. My wife is very very stubborn and does not change her mind. Am I enabling her?

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Great question, I change by the minute. I guess I am feeling like it is over and based on everything not salvageable but an hour later I am pissed about everything that is taking place. My wife is very very stubborn and does not change her mind. Am I enabling her?

Yes, she does change her mind. She is a married woman who changed her mind about her marriage.

You would be perfectly within your rights to leave the marriage, however, keeping the affair a secret is enabling her. All you do is help the OM wreck your marriage. I am not sure why you would want to help the OM..

Even if you decide to leave your marriage, you should stop being cooperative and you should stop helping her hide the affair. Everyone should know abotu it. Especially the OM's family. Do they know he is shagging a married woman?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Go read the exposure thread in my signature and read this thread of a man who saved his marriage: wifedivorcing thread

Come back when you are done and let me know what you think.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I guess I am feeling like it is over and based on everything not salvageable but an hour later I am pissed about everything that is taking place.

You believe it is "not salvageable" because you have no experience saving marriages. We have saved our marriages using these concepts. There are no guarantees, but you are guaranteed to be divorced and REPLACED by a dirtbag if you don't step up here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have not had a chance to read all 215 pages but have made it through 32. If I am understanding things correctly I am making it very easy for her. Saying live here, we will get a divorce and all will be well. Just keep having your affair and I will support it. Even though she denies she is having an affair. I live in Illinois and I am not sure if using a digital voice recorder in your own home is legal. We have had issues with my nephew and my sister in law told me that was one of the things he did to his girlfriend and they are putting him in jail. I had lots of indicators but a one sided conversation helped me to truly believe. I also believe there since he lives 3 hours away that some of the intimate part is via video. Cell phone is in my name which is where I see all the calling excuse is he works third shift and that is why we talk late at night. I think I am getting that I am the fool and and just giving in to what she wants. She was scared at to where would she live bc she cannot afford to be on her own. In our conversation yesterday I just said we will work through it and be in the house together.

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Are you ready to get to work? Did you read the exposure thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I read it but emotions are nuts. One minute I just want to move on the next I want her back. Am I the only one that is so indecisive? I am also scared of everything as my proof is not as concrete as the other post was. I have contact info and names of the OM wife and sister. I am going to sleep on it now and decide tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I read it but emotions are nuts. One minute I just want to move on the next I want her back. Am I the only one that is so indecisive? I am also scared of everything as my proof is not as concrete as the other post was. I have contact info and names of the OM wife and sister. I am going to sleep on it now and decide tomorrow.

Regardless of whether you decide to save your marriage or not, you need to expose the affair. Otherwise, you will be dealing with a fogged out wayward wife for absolutely no good reason.

You don't need to decide now - or even in the near future - if you want to save your marriage. But you do need to expose the affair. Otherwise, your wife will stay fogged out. And I seriously doubt you want to be an enabler to your wife's affair with a married man.

Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I am also scared of everything as my proof is not as concrete as the other post was.

This is easily rectified with some intel. It only takes 1-2 days to get some good solid evidence.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Help me get the solid evidence. Where do I start. I know she spends hours talking to him on the phone or via video chat.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Help me get the solid evidence. Where do I start. I know she spends hours talking to him on the phone or via video chat.

An easy way to do this would be to slip a voice activated recorder in the place where she does this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I was told this is illegal in Illinois

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I was told this is illegal in Illinois

You have to figure this out. Your greater risk is losing your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The phone calls and other things I have found I believe are indicators. I found new bras, like she used to wear for me in her drawer, one had tags the other did not, which means it was worn in my opinion. She went to a last minute recertification did not know the hotel she was going to, all detail vague. Arrived home without any materials, she is a nail tech. So much does not add up. I think I really have the proof, I just cannot say I have the proof. Research I found was recording in your home without permission of one of the parties on the phone call is not legal. So anything I may have cannot be used or I can go to jail and be charged criminally. I will keep digging.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Research I found was recording in your home without permission of one of the parties on the phone call is not legal. So anything I may have cannot be used or I can go to jail and be charged criminally. I will keep digging.


Place a voice activated VAR in the room she makes her calls. Hide it well. It is not illegal to own a VAR. The recordings will not need to be used for anything except your information so there is no need to worry about it being 'used'. Just be careful about the information on it so that she does not suspect the source of the 'leaks'. Come back here with what you find, do not spray this across the country.


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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
The phone calls and other things I have found I believe are indicators. I found new bras, like she used to wear for me in her drawer, one had tags the other did not, which means it was worn in my opinion. She went to a last minute recertification did not know the hotel she was going to, all detail vague. Arrived home without any materials, she is a nail tech. So much does not add up. I think I really have the proof, I just cannot say I have the proof. Research I found was recording in your home without permission of one of the parties on the phone call is not legal. So anything I may have cannot be used or I can go to jail and be charged criminally. I will keep digging.

One thing you can do is record her and then use transcripts of her conversations for your proof. You don't have to reveal your recordings, just say this is what you have heard.

I have been here for 15 years and thousands of people have recorded their spouses and NOT ONE has ever gone to jail or been criminally charged. However, many, many have ended up divorced. You need to weigh your risks here because I don't think you are correctly prioritizing the risks.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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