None of the above is proof. Don't expose with no proof. Get the proof.

What are your thought on contacting the OM sister in law to see if I can talk to the OM wife and see if she is seeing the same on her side

I would get the evidence FIRST and then start contacting these folks. You will want to contact the OM's wife FIRST [directly] when you expose.

We are trying to help you, Sir, but you seem very distracted with your own "plan." Do you think you can follow a plan?

Contacting the OMW now without evidence will ruin your plan. You have no evidence and she will just go accuse her husband. He will deny it and the affairees will go further underground. You will be no further along.

In order to blow up the affair, you NEED TO GET THE EVIDENCE!!

I need help on if this is proof or not. listening to a one sided conversation where she is talking to OM. WW says i was wondering if you were going to ask OM speaks cannot hear, WW says I had it sitting on the couch next to me when Joe (16 yr old son) came out I freaked out and threw it behind me and sat on it. OM speaks, No it is just sitting next to me in the box. I can hear a vibrator turn on. I assume they are on a video call. WW says Alright I will go downstairs (basement) OM speaks, more small talk about nothing, WW comments you cannot help yourself you are begging, I like that. Vibrator turns off, puts dogs to bed, then she checks it again and I hear the basement door open and close. Proof?? I also woke when she came to the bedroom and heard her put something in the drawer, thought she was hiding her ipad from me, but it was the vibrator. It was in a totally different position than it was when I found it. This is new and per the envelope date, was purchased while I was out of the country on business.

I can't decipher any of this. Are you texting????

Please focus 1000% on getting hard evidence that will remove any deniability. Put a recorder in her room and tape them in romantic conversation. You can type out the transcript and use it for your exposure. You could play the tape for critical insiders without sharing the evidence.

I tried to keep it to just the comments I heard from the recording. I needed a second recorder in the basement as that is the point in time when I believe she went to the basement, set her phone on a tripod, initiated a video call with OM and the proceeded to have video sex, WW and her vibrator and him watching. I do not know how much detail I should post here.

While I think she is having an affair, I think she is done with our marriage and has been for years. It just came to her enjoying the time alone and without me when I was gone to India and at the same time she reconnected with an old HS friend who filled an emotional need and appears to now be filling an intimate need. I want to save my marriage, but feel like it is not savable because we have grown so far apart. No matter what I do, she will deny it.

Can you get the video? That would be evidence. If not, then place a recorder in her room.


First off, we know you have grown apart, she is having an affair. So covering the same ground is a distraction. We already know all this. We are trying to help you turn it around.

And we don't care if she "denies" the affair. You don't need the confession of a liar to know truth. This is why we need you to get evidence of the affair.

I would also tell you that nothing can ever change if you don't get a job that does not require travel. Your traveling job has destroyed your marriage.

Another point I want to make is that she should not be free to conduct her affair in your home with you and your children. Once you get the evidence expose it, you will need to address this. However, there is a strong chance the OM will dump her once you expose. OM are pansies who don't want any trouble. This is why we are helping you run him off.

Thank you and I will keep working that direction. This is tiresome and energy draining. The travel part should not have been an issue, I am only gone 4 weeks per year. India just happens to be a full 2 weeks. The other was Canada and we come home on the weekends. I have another potential position in the works, hopefully I hear something this week.

But as you can see, it is. And this isn't about what you think should have been an issue. Your wife is on the receiving end of this, and she doesn't like it. Do you care about that?

What does this mean? How often do you go to Canada? Are you away for the whole week, excluding weekends? And who is "we"? Does your wife go with you?

Any traveling will doom your marriage. You already see the results of travel. If this doesn't change, you don't have a hope in hell.

Part of the problem is that you don't understand how devastating travel has been to your marriage. People who travel for a living usually end up divorced because it is impossible to maintain a marriage if you are not there every day. Divorce is epidemic in military marriages, for example. If you gave your job the same time you give your marriage, you would be fired.

I agree that travel is detrimental to any marriage. I have seen this in a friend who's husband was living a double life for 20 plus years and she had no clue. My maximum travel was 4 weeks out of 52 weeks. The other 48 weeks I was there but did not do the correct thing by putting the marriage first. We both put the kids first and forgot about us. Did travel help, I think it opened her eyes to see how it is without me this time. She has indicated that she felt like our marriage has been dead for 5 years, no excuse for an affair. That is part of the fear that is is not salvageable; however everything is salvageable with work. I am taking baby steps and will get my proof so I can expose. I am not sure who has the most to loose in the situation, me if she fights hard and takes everything or her because she has no where to go. Her mother and sister are already living together bc of divorce and her other sister, well let's just say crazy is a mild statement. Ironically her mother and sister are part of my support network asking her the tough questions when she posts on FB about wanting a man they ask what is wrong with the one you have he has all the qualities you are looking for and posting in these poems. All of my friends have told me to stop being such a nice guy and I am trying to figure out how to do that.

Just so you know, most marriages that show up here are "dead" and the wayward spouse says they "have been out of love for years." "I love you but am not in love with you....." All affairs are the same.

Some marriages were worse than others, but almost all were very bad. Our goal is not just to keep you together but to strategically save your marriage and teach you how to create a romantic passionate marriage. There are no guarantees, but this plan will give you the best shot IF you can follow a plan.


I would stop listening to the well meaning advice of ppl who have no earthly idea how to save a marriage. The advice we are giving you comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair. He supervises this forum. I would also suggest you get that book and read it.

The plan we are recommending for now is Plan A. It is a 2 part plan where you do everything in your power to bust up the affair. [exposure] The other part of the plan is presenting yourself in the most attractive light. You would promise to be a great husband and meet her needs in the future if she would end her affair.

Melody - I think after you beating me over the head with the same or similar stuff different ways the light bulb is starting to go on. I am no different than any other husband that comes here. The marriage is dead and they want to save it. I need to forget what everyone else is saying, get the proof and then do exposure 101. With this one of 2 things will happen, we get back together or we divorce. As of right now, we are divorcing and I want to save it and for her to see that yes, the spark is gone, but not out. It is there burning ever so slightly and just needs a little help to burn bright and strong again. WW met with her therapist today and feels 99.9% sure it is done, but I got her to meet together at least one time with a therapist. Yes none of this matters until the A is exposed.

You got it!!


We don't need her to say the spark is not out. We need to separate her from the source of the thing that is killing her marriage [the affair] so we can help you turn the marriage back into a passionate, romantic marriage. We can't do that until the OM is GONE.


The therapist will HARM your marriage, not help it. The therapist will help destroy your marriage because they do not understand an affair, so you don't even want to encourage that.

Sending your wife to a therapist is like sending a falling down drunk to therapy. Would the therapist help the falling down drunk make life changing decisions about her marriage? Or would the therapist tellthe drunk to FIRST SOBER UP? With adultery, a therapist is not experienced or qualified in dealing with infidelity so don't know how fogged out their judgement is. Nor do they have any earthly idea how to save a marriage, so they cannot help in that regard.

Therapy, AT BEST, is a major distraction frmo your marriage problems and at WORST [the usual] destructive to your marriage.

Also, make sure you do not discuss Plan A or Exposure with your WW at all. Right now she is not an ally and will only do things to undermine your plan to save the marriage. For instance, if you tell her you are going to expose the affair, she will talk to people in advance and tell them you have gone mad and are paranoid and jealous, she will paint you as a crazy person. That way when you do tell people, they will not believe you.

A mistake many people make is to try to reason with their fogged out wayward spouse, or include them in the plan. The 'fog' of an affair is very thick, you cannot try to reason with it.

Mr.
It sounds like you are starting to understand the plan. Do you have the wherewithal to do something about it? Now you have to execute. Don't delay. Be strategic. Understand that this is combat, and the affair is your enemy. Your first job is to kill the affair.

You expressed a fear of using a VAR. If you give in to the fear of getting in trouble with the law or angering your wayward wife by exposing (once you get the concrete evidence you need), you will not win the battles that will save your marriage.

Dump the therapist. Get the VAR. Once you have the evidence expose the affair to your family, your wife's family, and the other man's family and friends.

Once you have your evidence, you also need to confront the other man and tell him face to face that you are fighting for your marriage. I always suggest doing it at his place of work as this will embarrass him, create additional pressure for him to dump his wife, and its shows him how brazen and strong you are.

Your wife will be livid that you have embarrassed and humiliated her by exposing the affair. Her anger and resentment will last a long time. But if you drive off her affair partner and make a concerted effort to meet her needs, she may snap out of the fog and will appreciate and admire your efforts to fight for her and your marriage. Plan A is a process. It takes time, but the more assertive you execute the plan the better it works.

You have been extremely passive and wimpy thus far. Your wife doesn't believe you care and she has no respect for you. Look how she is carrying out a sexual affair in your home when you are there.

It is time to man up and gear up for combat. This is war and it is not for the feint of heart.

Are you in?