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I am new to this, have been reading for a few weeks trying to work through all my stuff. 2 weeks ago today my wife sat me down and told me "I love you but I am not in love with you and not sure if I want to work on our marriage. I have been seeing a therapist for 4 weeks to help me decide." I knew we were having problems I felt like she was going to divorce me and I was just waiting to be served. Work sent me to India for 2 weeks and we talked basically the same as we did during the time I was home, very limited, conversations about the kids. I have 4, 16, 17, 20 and 24. Her patterns changed, going out with friends, staying up late and spending lots of time on the phone talking to old high school friends. Anyway with the help of MB, I did further investigating and and 99.9% sure she is having at minimum an emotional affair and most likely a physical affair across the Internet with this old HS friend. I have suffered in everything, no sleep, unable to concentrate on work etc. I took Friday off becasue I could not concentrate and determined that it was over. This also came from talking to her mother and sister who love me and said they hate betraying her, but they told me she has no intention of trying to work on our marriage. Now I knew. Yesterday we had a 2 hour discussion and she admitted it was over. Still claims he is an old HS friend and they talk late bc he works third shift as a truck driver. We still love one another, just not in that way anymore. Neither of us can afford an attorney, house is upside down, bills everywhere etc. We agreed that we will not turn this into an ugly battle we are going to work through it together. We are going to remain in the house together, but in separate rooms and work on dividing everything. What I am asking for help/advice on is am I crazy? Will this work, can it work? The romance is gone and we love each other in another way and neither of us wants anything bad to happen to the other. Am I crazy can this work?

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Hi mrneedshelp, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. If you want to save your marriage, I would strongly suggest you stop cooperating with any divorce or separation schemes. When you are cooperative with such ideas, it indicates you don't care very much.

The reason she wants to divorce is because she is addicted to the OM. If not for the affair, she would not want to separate. Therefore, your mission is to kill the affair. When you kill the affair you will have a chance to save your marriage. But your first step is to run the OM by exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will cause it to crumble. It will force the affairees to see how ridiculous they look.

I would go read the exposure thread linked in my signature and start making plans.

Quote
Yesterday we had a 2 hour discussion and she admitted it was over.

She feels this way TODAY because she is high on her affair. This is about as meaningless as the rantings of a falling down drunk. The goal is to kill the affair and change her feelings about you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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How is that going to help, she has made up her mind, made her decision. After 22 plus years we have fallen apart she has no desire to work on it. My sister and friends say I should get out I will be happier it's a toxic relationship is how things have been defined to me. As I said lost and confused. Have I decided that I do not care and am ready to move on?

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
How is that going to help, she has made up her mind, made her decision. After 22 plus years we have fallen apart she has no desire to work on it. My sister and friends say I should get out I will be happier it's a toxic relationship is how things have been defined to me. As I said lost and confused. Have I decided that I do not care and am ready to move on?

Do you want to save your marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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If a falling down drunk tells you "it is over" do you conclude they have the good judgment and sound mind to make such a decision or do you recognize that the alcohol has fogged out their thinking?

Because that is what you are dealing with. Your wife's affair is an addiction and she has the mindset of an alcoholic or a drug addict. She is about as decisive as a falling down drunk. Your goal is to separate her from the source of her addiction so she will be sober.

Your wife is in the FOG due to her affair, so if you want to save your marriage, your goal will be to run off the OM.

Your situation is no different from the many thousands of cases on this forum that have saved their marriages going back 20 years. The question is: do you want to save your marriage or not?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Great question, I change by the minute. I guess I am feeling like it is over and based on everything not salvageable but an hour later I am pissed about everything that is taking place. My wife is very very stubborn and does not change her mind. Am I enabling her?

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Great question, I change by the minute. I guess I am feeling like it is over and based on everything not salvageable but an hour later I am pissed about everything that is taking place. My wife is very very stubborn and does not change her mind. Am I enabling her?

Yes, she does change her mind. She is a married woman who changed her mind about her marriage.

You would be perfectly within your rights to leave the marriage, however, keeping the affair a secret is enabling her. All you do is help the OM wreck your marriage. I am not sure why you would want to help the OM..

Even if you decide to leave your marriage, you should stop being cooperative and you should stop helping her hide the affair. Everyone should know abotu it. Especially the OM's family. Do they know he is shagging a married woman?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Go read the exposure thread in my signature and read this thread of a man who saved his marriage: wifedivorcing thread

Come back when you are done and let me know what you think.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I guess I am feeling like it is over and based on everything not salvageable but an hour later I am pissed about everything that is taking place.

You believe it is "not salvageable" because you have no experience saving marriages. We have saved our marriages using these concepts. There are no guarantees, but you are guaranteed to be divorced and REPLACED by a dirtbag if you don't step up here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I have not had a chance to read all 215 pages but have made it through 32. If I am understanding things correctly I am making it very easy for her. Saying live here, we will get a divorce and all will be well. Just keep having your affair and I will support it. Even though she denies she is having an affair. I live in Illinois and I am not sure if using a digital voice recorder in your own home is legal. We have had issues with my nephew and my sister in law told me that was one of the things he did to his girlfriend and they are putting him in jail. I had lots of indicators but a one sided conversation helped me to truly believe. I also believe there since he lives 3 hours away that some of the intimate part is via video. Cell phone is in my name which is where I see all the calling excuse is he works third shift and that is why we talk late at night. I think I am getting that I am the fool and and just giving in to what she wants. She was scared at to where would she live bc she cannot afford to be on her own. In our conversation yesterday I just said we will work through it and be in the house together.

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Are you ready to get to work? Did you read the exposure thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I read it but emotions are nuts. One minute I just want to move on the next I want her back. Am I the only one that is so indecisive? I am also scared of everything as my proof is not as concrete as the other post was. I have contact info and names of the OM wife and sister. I am going to sleep on it now and decide tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I read it but emotions are nuts. One minute I just want to move on the next I want her back. Am I the only one that is so indecisive? I am also scared of everything as my proof is not as concrete as the other post was. I have contact info and names of the OM wife and sister. I am going to sleep on it now and decide tomorrow.

Regardless of whether you decide to save your marriage or not, you need to expose the affair. Otherwise, you will be dealing with a fogged out wayward wife for absolutely no good reason.

You don't need to decide now - or even in the near future - if you want to save your marriage. But you do need to expose the affair. Otherwise, your wife will stay fogged out. And I seriously doubt you want to be an enabler to your wife's affair with a married man.

Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I am also scared of everything as my proof is not as concrete as the other post was.

This is easily rectified with some intel. It only takes 1-2 days to get some good solid evidence.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Help me get the solid evidence. Where do I start. I know she spends hours talking to him on the phone or via video chat.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Help me get the solid evidence. Where do I start. I know she spends hours talking to him on the phone or via video chat.

An easy way to do this would be to slip a voice activated recorder in the place where she does this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I was told this is illegal in Illinois

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I was told this is illegal in Illinois

You have to figure this out. Your greater risk is losing your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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The phone calls and other things I have found I believe are indicators. I found new bras, like she used to wear for me in her drawer, one had tags the other did not, which means it was worn in my opinion. She went to a last minute recertification did not know the hotel she was going to, all detail vague. Arrived home without any materials, she is a nail tech. So much does not add up. I think I really have the proof, I just cannot say I have the proof. Research I found was recording in your home without permission of one of the parties on the phone call is not legal. So anything I may have cannot be used or I can go to jail and be charged criminally. I will keep digging.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Research I found was recording in your home without permission of one of the parties on the phone call is not legal. So anything I may have cannot be used or I can go to jail and be charged criminally. I will keep digging.


Place a voice activated VAR in the room she makes her calls. Hide it well. It is not illegal to own a VAR. The recordings will not need to be used for anything except your information so there is no need to worry about it being 'used'. Just be careful about the information on it so that she does not suspect the source of the 'leaks'. Come back here with what you find, do not spray this across the country.


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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
The phone calls and other things I have found I believe are indicators. I found new bras, like she used to wear for me in her drawer, one had tags the other did not, which means it was worn in my opinion. She went to a last minute recertification did not know the hotel she was going to, all detail vague. Arrived home without any materials, she is a nail tech. So much does not add up. I think I really have the proof, I just cannot say I have the proof. Research I found was recording in your home without permission of one of the parties on the phone call is not legal. So anything I may have cannot be used or I can go to jail and be charged criminally. I will keep digging.

One thing you can do is record her and then use transcripts of her conversations for your proof. You don't have to reveal your recordings, just say this is what you have heard.

I have been here for 15 years and thousands of people have recorded their spouses and NOT ONE has ever gone to jail or been criminally charged. However, many, many have ended up divorced. You need to weigh your risks here because I don't think you are correctly prioritizing the risks.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
The phone calls and other things I have found I believe are indicators. I found new bras, like she used to wear for me in her drawer, one had tags the other did not, which means it was worn in my opinion. She went to a last minute recertification did not know the hotel she was going to, all detail vague. Arrived home without any materials, she is a nail tech. So much does not add up. I think I really have the proof, I just cannot say I have the proof.

None of the above is proof. Don't expose with no proof. Get the proof.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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What are your thought on contacting the OM sister in law to see if I can talk to the OM wife and see if she is seeing the same on her side

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
What are your thought on contacting the OM sister in law to see if I can talk to the OM wife and see if she is seeing the same on her side

I would get the evidence FIRST and then start contacting these folks. You will want to contact the OM's wife FIRST [directly] when you expose.

We are trying to help you, Sir, but you seem very distracted with your own "plan." Do you think you can follow a plan?



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
What are your thought on contacting the OM sister in law to see if I can talk to the OM wife and see if she is seeing the same on her side


Contacting the OMW now without evidence will ruin your plan. You have no evidence and she will just go accuse her husband. He will deny it and the affairees will go further underground. You will be no further along.

In order to blow up the affair, you NEED TO GET THE EVIDENCE!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I need help on if this is proof or not. listening to a one sided conversation where she is talking to OM. WW says i was wondering if you were going to ask OM speaks cannot hear, WW says I had it sitting on the couch next to me when Joe (16 yr old son) came out I freaked out and threw it behind me and sat on it. OM speaks, No it is just sitting next to me in the box. I can hear a vibrator turn on. I assume they are on a video call. WW says Alright I will go downstairs (basement) OM speaks, more small talk about nothing, WW comments you cannot help yourself you are begging, I like that. Vibrator turns off, puts dogs to bed, then she checks it again and I hear the basement door open and close. Proof?? I also woke when she came to the bedroom and heard her put something in the drawer, thought she was hiding her ipad from me, but it was the vibrator. It was in a totally different position than it was when I found it. This is new and per the envelope date, was purchased while I was out of the country on business.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I need help on if this is proof or not. listening to a one sided conversation where she is talking to OM. WW says i was wondering if you were going to ask OM speaks cannot hear, WW says I had it sitting on the couch next to me when Joe (16 yr old son) came out I freaked out and threw it behind me and sat on it. OM speaks, No it is just sitting next to me in the box. I can hear a vibrator turn on. I assume they are on a video call. WW says Alright I will go downstairs (basement) OM speaks, more small talk about nothing, WW comments you cannot help yourself you are begging, I like that. Vibrator turns off, puts dogs to bed, then she checks it again and I hear the basement door open and close. Proof?? I also woke when she came to the bedroom and heard her put something in the drawer, thought she was hiding her ipad from me, but it was the vibrator. It was in a totally different position than it was when I found it. This is new and per the envelope date, was purchased while I was out of the country on business.

I can't decipher any of this. Are you texting????


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Please focus 1000% on getting hard evidence that will remove any deniability. Put a recorder in her room and tape them in romantic conversation. You can type out the transcript and use it for your exposure. You could play the tape for critical insiders without sharing the evidence.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I tried to keep it to just the comments I heard from the recording. I needed a second recorder in the basement as that is the point in time when I believe she went to the basement, set her phone on a tripod, initiated a video call with OM and the proceeded to have video sex, WW and her vibrator and him watching. I do not know how much detail I should post here.

While I think she is having an affair, I think she is done with our marriage and has been for years. It just came to her enjoying the time alone and without me when I was gone to India and at the same time she reconnected with an old HS friend who filled an emotional need and appears to now be filling an intimate need. I want to save my marriage, but feel like it is not savable because we have grown so far apart. No matter what I do, she will deny it.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I tried to keep it to just the comments I heard from the recording. I needed a second recorder in the basement as that is the point in time when I believe she went to the basement, set her phone on a tripod, initiated a video call with OM and the proceeded to have video sex, WW and her vibrator and him watching. I do not know how much detail I should post here.

Can you get the video? That would be evidence. If not, then place a recorder in her room.

Quote
While I think she is having an affair, I think she is done with our marriage and has been for years. It just came to her enjoying the time alone and without me when I was gone to India and at the same time she reconnected with an old HS friend who filled an emotional need and appears to now be filling an intimate need. I want to save my marriage, but feel like it is not savable because we have grown so far apart. No matter what I do, she will deny it.

First off, we know you have grown apart, she is having an affair. So covering the same ground is a distraction. We already know all this. We are trying to help you turn it around.

And we don't care if she "denies" the affair. You don't need the confession of a liar to know truth. This is why we need you to get evidence of the affair.

I would also tell you that nothing can ever change if you don't get a job that does not require travel. Your traveling job has destroyed your marriage.

Another point I want to make is that she should not be free to conduct her affair in your home with you and your children. Once you get the evidence expose it, you will need to address this. However, there is a strong chance the OM will dump her once you expose. OM are pansies who don't want any trouble. This is why we are helping you run him off.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thank you and I will keep working that direction. This is tiresome and energy draining. The travel part should not have been an issue, I am only gone 4 weeks per year. India just happens to be a full 2 weeks. The other was Canada and we come home on the weekends. I have another potential position in the works, hopefully I hear something this week.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
The travel part should not have been an issue, I am only gone 4 weeks per year.
But as you can see, it is. And this isn't about what you think should have been an issue. Your wife is on the receiving end of this, and she doesn't like it. Do you care about that?

Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
The other was Canada and we come home on the weekends.
What does this mean? How often do you go to Canada? Are you away for the whole week, excluding weekends? And who is "we"? Does your wife go with you?


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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Thank you and I will keep working that direction. This is tiresome and energy draining. The travel part should not have been an issue, I am only gone 4 weeks per year. India just happens to be a full 2 weeks. The other was Canada and we come home on the weekends. I have another potential position in the works, hopefully I hear something this week.

Any traveling will doom your marriage. You already see the results of travel. If this doesn't change, you don't have a hope in hell.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Part of the problem is that you don't understand how devastating travel has been to your marriage. People who travel for a living usually end up divorced because it is impossible to maintain a marriage if you are not there every day. Divorce is epidemic in military marriages, for example. If you gave your job the same time you give your marriage, you would be fired.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I agree that travel is detrimental to any marriage. I have seen this in a friend who's husband was living a double life for 20 plus years and she had no clue. My maximum travel was 4 weeks out of 52 weeks. The other 48 weeks I was there but did not do the correct thing by putting the marriage first. We both put the kids first and forgot about us. Did travel help, I think it opened her eyes to see how it is without me this time. She has indicated that she felt like our marriage has been dead for 5 years, no excuse for an affair. That is part of the fear that is is not salvageable; however everything is salvageable with work. I am taking baby steps and will get my proof so I can expose. I am not sure who has the most to loose in the situation, me if she fights hard and takes everything or her because she has no where to go. Her mother and sister are already living together bc of divorce and her other sister, well let's just say crazy is a mild statement. Ironically her mother and sister are part of my support network asking her the tough questions when she posts on FB about wanting a man they ask what is wrong with the one you have he has all the qualities you are looking for and posting in these poems. All of my friends have told me to stop being such a nice guy and I am trying to figure out how to do that.

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Just so you know, most marriages that show up here are "dead" and the wayward spouse says they "have been out of love for years." "I love you but am not in love with you....." All affairs are the same.

Some marriages were worse than others, but almost all were very bad. Our goal is not just to keep you together but to strategically save your marriage and teach you how to create a romantic passionate marriage. There are no guarantees, but this plan will give you the best shot IF you can follow a plan.

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All of my friends have told me to stop being such a nice guy and I am trying to figure out how to do that.

I would stop listening to the well meaning advice of ppl who have no earthly idea how to save a marriage. The advice we are giving you comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair. He supervises this forum. I would also suggest you get that book and read it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The plan we are recommending for now is Plan A. It is a 2 part plan where you do everything in your power to bust up the affair. [exposure] The other part of the plan is presenting yourself in the most attractive light. You would promise to be a great husband and meet her needs in the future if she would end her affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody - I think after you beating me over the head with the same or similar stuff different ways the light bulb is starting to go on. I am no different than any other husband that comes here. The marriage is dead and they want to save it. I need to forget what everyone else is saying, get the proof and then do exposure 101. With this one of 2 things will happen, we get back together or we divorce. As of right now, we are divorcing and I want to save it and for her to see that yes, the spark is gone, but not out. It is there burning ever so slightly and just needs a little help to burn bright and strong again. WW met with her therapist today and feels 99.9% sure it is done, but I got her to meet together at least one time with a therapist. Yes none of this matters until the A is exposed.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Melody - I think after you beating me over the head with the same or similar stuff different ways the light bulb is starting to go on. I am no different than any other husband that comes here. The marriage is dead and they want to save it.

You got it!!

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I need to forget what everyone else is saying, get the proof and then do exposure 101. With this one of 2 things will happen, we get back together or we divorce. As of right now, we are divorcing and I want to save it and for her to see that yes, the spark is gone, but not out.

We don't need her to say the spark is not out. We need to separate her from the source of the thing that is killing her marriage [the affair] so we can help you turn the marriage back into a passionate, romantic marriage. We can't do that until the OM is GONE.

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WW met with her therapist today and feels 99.9% sure it is done, but I got her to meet together at least one time with a therapist. Yes none of this matters until the A is exposed.

The therapist will HARM your marriage, not help it. The therapist will help destroy your marriage because they do not understand an affair, so you don't even want to encourage that.

Sending your wife to a therapist is like sending a falling down drunk to therapy. Would the therapist help the falling down drunk make life changing decisions about her marriage? Or would the therapist tellthe drunk to FIRST SOBER UP? With adultery, a therapist is not experienced or qualified in dealing with infidelity so don't know how fogged out their judgement is. Nor do they have any earthly idea how to save a marriage, so they cannot help in that regard.

Therapy, AT BEST, is a major distraction frmo your marriage problems and at WORST [the usual] destructive to your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Also, make sure you do not discuss Plan A or Exposure with your WW at all. Right now she is not an ally and will only do things to undermine your plan to save the marriage. For instance, if you tell her you are going to expose the affair, she will talk to people in advance and tell them you have gone mad and are paranoid and jealous, she will paint you as a crazy person. That way when you do tell people, they will not believe you.

A mistake many people make is to try to reason with their fogged out wayward spouse, or include them in the plan. The 'fog' of an affair is very thick, you cannot try to reason with it.

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Mr.
It sounds like you are starting to understand the plan. Do you have the wherewithal to do something about it? Now you have to execute. Don't delay. Be strategic. Understand that this is combat, and the affair is your enemy. Your first job is to kill the affair.

You expressed a fear of using a VAR. If you give in to the fear of getting in trouble with the law or angering your wayward wife by exposing (once you get the concrete evidence you need), you will not win the battles that will save your marriage.

Dump the therapist. Get the VAR. Once you have the evidence expose the affair to your family, your wife's family, and the other man's family and friends.

Once you have your evidence, you also need to confront the other man and tell him face to face that you are fighting for your marriage. I always suggest doing it at his place of work as this will embarrass him, create additional pressure for him to dump his wife, and its shows him how brazen and strong you are.

Your wife will be livid that you have embarrassed and humiliated her by exposing the affair. Her anger and resentment will last a long time. But if you drive off her affair partner and make a concerted effort to meet her needs, she may snap out of the fog and will appreciate and admire your efforts to fight for her and your marriage. Plan A is a process. It takes time, but the more assertive you execute the plan the better it works.

You have been extremely passive and wimpy thus far. Your wife doesn't believe you care and she has no respect for you. Look how she is carrying out a sexual affair in your home when you are there.

It is time to man up and gear up for combat. This is war and it is not for the feint of heart.

Are you in?

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I am getting there working on concrete evidence. Right now. This is exhausting. I almost caught them video setting but the dog started barking tonight is another night.
Thanks

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It's over, even exposure did not make a difference. She still claims that he is a friend and just a friend. Swears she is not having an affair. Wedding rings have been given to my mother-in-law for safe keeping. I was able to talk to them and they informed me that she told them she wants a divorce and does not want any chance or reconciliation with me. They have also enlightened me about how she continues to lie. I have decided that I do not want this anymore.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
It's over, even exposure did not make a difference. She still claims that he is a friend and just a friend. Swears she is not having an affair. Wedding rings have been given to my mother-in-law for safe keeping. I was able to talk to them and they informed me that she told them she wants a divorce and does not want any chance or reconciliation with me. They have also enlightened me about how she continues to lie. I have decided that I do not want this anymore.

First off, it is not "over;" you are still married. As you know from reading my exposure thread, ALL waywards are infuriated about exposure and typically threaten to divorce. You knew this going in. Exposure causes the affair to crumble and it may fail in the same day or it may take 6 months. Now that you have exposed, your wife cannot bring her affair out into the open without admitting that she was lying. Its ok that she continues to lie.

Your evidence should tell the truth. Hopefully, you had evidence!!

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I was able to talk to them and they informed me that she told them she wants a divorce and does not want any chance or reconciliation with me.

If a falling down drunk says she "wants a divorce" do you take that seriously?

The point I am trying to make is that you continue to hang all of your hopes on the irrational, fogged out rantings of wayward who is high on the fumes of an affair. You need to completely ignore her rantings and focus on YOUR PLAN:

1. killing her affair. use exposure, confrontation, make as much trouble as possible in the affair

2. presenting yourself in the best possible light.

And that is fine if you decide to leave your marriage. That is your choice. But you should not make that decision based on the fogged out rantings of a wayward. Her feelings will change once her affair is killed.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
It's over, even exposure did not make a difference.

To WHOM did you expose and what did you say? What was the wife's reaction?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Started with the wife when 10 minutes before she is leaving to go to a concert with our daughters she informs me that she will not be home. Her friend's son was arrested and she is going to meet her, stay overnight and help her get him out of jail tomorrow. I called BS and said you are having an affair and meeting him, if this is true, then I can check the number you called this morning, where she claimed she was asked to help, and it will be her number. I already checked and it was his. Additionally, I overheard them planning a hotel stay in the same town she is going to. Phone records indicate a call to the hotel. Sex toy is gone with her and sexy panties are also gone from where she stashed them.

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Started with the wife when 10 minutes before she is leaving to go to a concert with our daughters she informs me that she will not be home. Her friend's son was arrested and she is going to meet her, stay overnight and help her get him out of jail tomorrow. I called BS and said you are having an affair and meeting him, if this is true, then I can check the number you called this morning, where she claimed she was asked to help, and it will be her number. I already checked and it was his. Additionally, I overheard them planning a hotel stay in the same town she is going to. Phone records indicate a call to the hotel. Sex toy is gone with her and sexy panties are also gone from where she stashed them.
To "expose" means to tell people who do not already know about the affair. You can't expose a situation to someone that already knows about it.

Your wife already knows about the affair, since she is the one having it, so confronting her is not exposing.

Could you answer Melody's question, please, and tell us to whom you really did expose?


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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
Started with the wife when 10 minutes before she is leaving to go to a concert with our daughters she informs me that she will not be home. Her friend's son was arrested and she is going to meet her, stay overnight and help her get him out of jail tomorrow. I called BS and said you are having an affair and meeting him, if this is true, then I can check the number you called this morning, where she claimed she was asked to help, and it will be her number. I already checked and it was his. Additionally, I overheard them planning a hotel stay in the same town she is going to. Phone records indicate a call to the hotel. Sex toy is gone with her and sexy panties are also gone from where she stashed them.

This is not exposure. Obviously your wife knows she is having an affair. Did you read the exposure thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have not posted for a while as I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I did read exposure 101. I could not do that, it is not who I am. I have also had numerous discussions with my in-laws, who are pissed at her and have opened my eyes to a lot of information that I did not know. This has me looking across the past 20 plus years that we were together and questioning a lot. Additionally, I have met with mutual friends and everyone is telling me the same thing. She has lied from the beginning. I found out the reason she told me that she did not speak to her father was a lie and this has let me to review the 20 plus years and question a lot. Based on this the marriage is over. I have no interest in attempting to save it. I want to move on and start new. I need to grieve and heal. I want to be happy and maybe someday there will be someone who will be able to love me for who I am and not have to lie about their past.

Going forward things will not be easy as divorce is expensive. Neither of us can afford an attorney or to move into our own place. So we have a rough road ahead. The affair is being exposed, just not like in exposure 101. I am telling people as I see them or have contact with them. This includes her friends who have reached out to me or I have reached out to for a mutual interest. She is a user. She uses people until the no longer serve her purpose and then they get tossed to the side. I have seen it in 3 friends. 2 she does not speak with anymore and the other she did not speak to for close to a year, then she contact her out of the blue to have dinner. This is the same friend I spent 3 hours with Saturday. She wanted to talk to me, we discussed everything and her money train from this ex-friend is done. Thank you

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Originally Posted by Mr_needs_help
I have not posted for a while as I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I did read exposure 101.

There is nothing we can do for you. Best of luck...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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