"Right now I am printing out "Basic Concepts" and "just Compensation" to give to him."

I would let him know it will take a 1000% commitment to this program to recover your marriage. Otherwise this is hopeless. He will have to go through all the lessons with you chapter by chapter. Is he willing to do that?

Good Morning,

Thank you Markos, Priscilla and Melody. Every Sunday we go to Mass at 7am so while we were getting ready for church, I asked him if he could set aside a couple of hours to talk about our future. He agreed. I made breakfast after church and then we went into the bedroom.

I had printed out the Basic Concepts and the 3 letters on Just Compensation and Cant we just Forgive and Forget.

We have agreed to spend 2 hours every Sunday after Church while we are inspired and not tired from work to take turns reading aloud for one hour, and then spend the other in discussion.

You were right. I feel better that I did this today instead of being nervous the whole time we are in vacation.

My stomach feels better this morning, but sometimes in our discussion he is very honest and says something about the OW and it hurts me to the core. I try not to cry because I want him to feel comfortable as we discuss SAA, chapter by chapter.
For instance, today he told me that although he had no sex with the OW for the last 5 years, he was "still trying to get her back". I know that I've read that men compartmentalize and can love 2 women at the same time, it hurts me to the depths of my soul.

Anyway, I still plan on sending the letter to MB Radio about "moving away".

Thank you for your advice. It lifts me up especially when I have sad hours. I'm up, I'm down and very tired of all of this.

BW

It makes me so very relieved and happy that you are able to execute a plan despite the raw emotions. I know this is very hard for you, but the rewards will be GREAT. I would make this your motto:


That simple one liner has saved me through my darkest times. It will save you too.


Go to him today and make an agreement to never bring her up again. Neither one of you should bring her up again. Will you agree to this?


Please take all this toxic energy and self defeating thoughts and aim it towards building a romantic, passionate marriage with your husband. You are comparing yourself to a skanky hoe and you will win every time. By the time you get through this program, he will be chasing you instead of a fantasy relationship with a hoe.


We understand completely, and I want to ASSURE you that you are on the right path.

Have you considered signing up for the MB online program? My H and I went through it in 2007 and it is a wonderful program. It costs around $1000 now, and takes a year to complete. They send you all the books, workbooks and DVDs as part of the program. They assign you a coach who gives you weekly lessons followed by a survey test to make sure you understand the concepts. The coach and Dr Harley oversee your progress and will get you back on track if you fall off. My H and I would have never made it on our own. Some people can do it on their own, we were not able and their guidance made an amazing difference.

Melody, thank you for your words of encouragement.

Question : As i've written before, for the last five years my husband and I have listen to marriage builders radio and I have been on the marriage builders website almost every day of the last five years. After our discussion this morning we had a very calm conversation where I sensually shared with him that it was just compensation an extraordinary precautions and the reading of SAA Or we wouldn't be able to move forward. This was scary for me, But I followed through.

We can come up with $1000 for the online program. In the past, I have always been very assertive especially in running my business. I don't want him to keep feeling that it is my way or the highway. I completely understand that if he wasn't willing to commit to doctot
Harleys plan it had to be the highway.

Everything terrifies me. So now the question is when should I present the online program to him. After our vacation? Can I start the online program by myself and then talk with a coach? Please give me your advice

When I say, that everything terrifies me, it's because my husband is being kind and understanding. I don't think I'm being conned, but after having had a false recovery for five years, i'm always nervous and wondering if he really means it when he says he loves me and that I'm wonderful. I never say disrespectful things to him, but in my mind, I say: "Sure, but you said the same thing five years ago ".

I would discuss it with him today. You have to enter the online program together. This program will be the ultimate in holding you both accountable and teaching you the program. I know you have been reading here for years, but you all have not been using this program and it is obvious you weren't able to pull it off on your own. My H and I were not either.

I would present it to him like this: "I want us to have a romantic, passionate, affair proofed marriage and we can't afford to make any more mistakes. I think we need to admit we need professional help and sign up for their MB coaching program to help us. If we are committed to making this work, I want to make sure we get the most out of our efforts. I want to move on from this and I am convinced this is the best way to do that. The faster we are in a great marriage, the sooner the terrible past is forgotten."

Everything I said above is absolutely true. The Harley staff would make sure you are on the right track and would help you navigate the pitfalls. This is what they did for us.

I am sure your husband wants to move forward and leave this behind him as much as you do. So it is in his best interest to enter a program that will help you do exactly that as quickly as possible.

I had been on this board floundering around in my marriage for 6 years before we went through the program. On the FIRST DAY, they identified that my own independent behavior and my H's angry outbursts were a huge problem. Our marriage was sinking even tho I had been here for all these years. The reason is that we were cutting corners and didn't really understand the program. We went through HELL the first few months of the program because our habits were so bad that there was no way we could have maintained a marriage unless those behaviors were identified and rooted out.

Dr Harley and our coach helped us weed out these bad behaviors. We could have never done it on our own because there was so much we didn't even know we were doing wrong.

Your situation is so critical that I wouldn't take any chances with it. If you have the ability to get into the program, you should do it. It is worth every damn penny and more. I am so thankful that we went through the program.

Just So other readers know, The reason the OW's Address never showed up on location services as a frequent location that he visited was because he would always turn his phone off when he visited her.

The outdoor shooting range that we go to doesn't have good cell service. He knew that so when he did go to visit her he would just tell me he was in a location with poor cellular service.

Now, he tells me every where he is going and amazingly there aren't hardly any times where the find my friends app cannot find him

Thanks for that feedback! Just a suggestion. I would get a good GPS on him that he can't detect. Do you have spyware on everything? I cant remember.

I have a GPS and a VAR on the two cars that he drives. I have location services turned on to his iPhone. My son programmed something so all of the messages that he sends and receives go to my computer. I do not have other spyware on phone or computer. What should I buy? What else shall I do? I do have his password for his computer, his phone

I would get webwatcher on his computer and his phone. I am not familiar with the phone version but the computer version is very good and is not hard to install. Another lady here had problems installing it and she called and they walked her through it.

We left three days ago to go on a seven day vacation to Hawaii. When I return I will put web watcher on both his phone and computer without telling him. I have all of his passwords.

While we were on the beach and he was taking a nap, I listened to MB radio on headsets. The caller's story (I think her name was Terry. Her husband sounded so much like mine). During this trip, my husband has been very romantic and I have not brought up the OW, but I have asked him to think about how he may feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Today Dr. Harley told Terry that it is possible for a man to love two women at the same time. I just don't know how I am going to be able to get over his Affair. It lasted so long and he told me lies throughout the years, that I find it so difficult to believe anything he says now and to allow myself to have a good time when he says something romantic.

He said he will do whatever it takes to recover our marriage so we're going to do the online program with the accountability coach, but even with this, I am still scared of his past sneakiness and sometimes wonder why do I feel so much love for a man that treats me like this.

It is hard to be on vacation and enjoy myself with all these thoughts going through my head.

BW

Stop talking about the affair, Bikerwife!! This does not help anything. It just keeps it front of mind for you both and makes your relationship an unpleasant place.


I know it feels that way today, but it wont' feel that way in the future if you stick with this.


You won't be so scared of sneakiness when you have spyware on everything!

Try and have a good time. You are on the right path to a great marriage. It will get better, I promise!

Today is day 5 of our vacation. For the past 48 hours,I have not discussed my husband's affair. HOWEVER, I think about it all the time. Yes, he is relatively nice. Seems like HE'S having a great vacation, but I'm still hurting. Why doesn't he think about how I might be feeling. It seems that I'm REALLY trying hard on having a wonderful marriage. He does seem to be trying but I certainly don't feel he's trying as hard as me. How can I be less disrespectful. He has lied to me so much. I just don't know how to forget his previous behavior. I also keep thinking of the OW and don't feel she has suffered enough for the 8 years of torture she has put me through. I just don't know how to move forward to restore a passionate caring marriage. He's offended me so much I feel so much resentment

BW

The longer you go without talking about it, the sooner you will stop thinking about it. Is he doing a great job of meeting your needs? As long as your marriage is in full recovery mode, your pain will fade with time.

Bikerwife, I'm so glad to hear he is willing to do this. If he will follow the recommendations of Dr. Harley and his coaches, this is what will enable you to feel better.

It's no wonder you don't feel better now, and I wouldn't expect to. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you to enjoy the vacation. I promise you that if your husband will follow the program you will feel better. For your part just stick to what you know you need to do.

Has you husband looked at any of the Marriage Builders books, yet? I think he needs to get started.

After DDay#1, it took me about six months to find marriage builders. He's read parts of SAA. We used to read a devotional every morning before starting our day. We used to carpool together and listen to Marriage Builders radio.

I didn't realize I was in a false recovery so none of Dr Harley's material penetrated. Is that being disrespectful or being honest that nothing works until an affair is over. We get back late Monday and I will put Webwatcher on phone and computer as Melody suggested.

He has agreed to either Accountability online program and read SAA. How much time a week do you think is fair of me to ask him to work on our marriage. He doesn't really read books. Should we listen to SAA on audio together and discuss??

We are Catholic. We went to Mass this morning and it makes me so sad that we had this false recovery for 5 years in addition to the 3 years he was with her prior to DDay #1. How do I get these thoughts out of my head?

BW

I think it's time for him to read a book.

BW, what has your husband done for you today to meet your needs? What has he done today that felt kind and loving for you?

Focus on those things. Focus on the beauty of your surroundings.

Yes, get those snoop tools installed right away because they will help YOU to heal and feel some security, which will also help you to focus on the present.

With time and with working this program, you WILL stop hurting and begin to feel yourself again.

Our vacation is over. We had a good time, relatively. I'm starting to have anxiety. I will sign up for the online coaching tomorrow. If it was up to me he would have read the book, SAA already. He has agreed to do two hours of reading the book and discussion every Sunday. It Doesn't seem fast enough for me. He is being transparent. Is it fair for me to ask him to read the book and a faster pace?