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I am trying to expose the OW via Facebook but when I have sent 2 PM to her friends it is not asking me to pay $1 as I've heard Melody Lane say in the other posts. Can someone tell me how to do it so it doesn't go into the PM spam folder?


Me (BW) 63
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I am trying to expose the OW via Facebook but when I have sent 2 PM to her friends it is not asking me to pay $1 as I've heard Melody Lane say in the other posts. Can someone tell me how to do it so it doesn't go into the PM spam folder?

Facebook has changed their policies and now the receiver is notified they have a message and they can opt to read it or not. You don't have to pay a $1.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So I will never know if they have chosen to open my message. Is this correct?


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
So I will never know if they have chosen to open my message. Is this correct?

No, once they accept your message, it says "Joe blow has accepted your message."

Is there a reason why you are exposing now? Did your husband have another affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I very much regret not exposing the OW 5 years ago. I was scared.


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The affair never died. I exposed it to my family, his family, our friends, his friends, but never exposed to the OW. I have been vigilant these past 5 years since the last D-day.
We both have retired now. We never spent nights apart. However, I recently found out she would use some "internet" number which hid her true identity.

He has told me these past 5 years it has only been an emotional affair and that he is willing to do a polygraph.

She is the president of the Local city chapter of a real estate group. That is how my husband met her--when he was looking for property to move his business in approx 2008.

So far I have exposed to her 10 fellow Board members. She was adopted. No parents or siblings. I wanted to expose to her closest friends on facebook. What do you think.



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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
The affair never died. I exposed it to my family, his family, our friends, his friends, but never exposed to the OW. I have been vigilant these past 5 years since the last D-day.

So far I have exposed to her 10 fellow Board members. She was adopted. No parents or siblings. I wanted to expose to her closest friends on facebook. What do you think.

I would expose the affair to everyone, including all the folks you exposed to the first time around. You should also plan to move away. That is the reason the affair never died in all this time.

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He has told me these past 5 years it has only been an emotional affair and that he is willing to do a polygraph.

How far away does the OW live from you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
However, I recently found out she would use some "internet" number which hid her true identity.

How did you find this out?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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The OW lives one hour away from us.

I found out about the internet number because "my husband says he's tired of all the lying". He says he will truthfully answer all my questions. I asked them how they communicated. She used both an internet # with a different area code and she would also use a Skype #.

I NEVER exposed the OW to her friends or work colleagues. Yesterday, I exposed them to 10 board members.

There are still about 30 general members (she is the pres of this local club). Shall I expose to them. She also has 1000 Facebook friends, but no real family members as she is an "only adopted child".


Me (BW) 63
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Did you read my post about exposing to your friends and family?

How will you affair proof your marriage now? Are oyu familiar with Marriage Builders? Do you have the book Survivng an Affair? The checklist?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I found out about the internet number because "my husband says he's tired of all the lying". He says he will truthfully answer all my questions. I asked them how they communicated. She used both an internet # with a different area code and she would also use a Skype #.

So he admitted this is a sexual affair? Saying he will "truthfully answer questions" is meaningless. Does he have an iphone?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes, he does have an iphone and for what its worth, he is willing to take a polygraph test.


Also, shall I send the exposure letter to the members of her local real estate organization where she is president. Shall I expose to her facebook friends (the ones that "like" her comments)? I've only exposed to the 10 board members using letter Dr Harley recommends



Me (BW) 63
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He says this was a sexual affair until 2011 when I first discovered it. Since that time, he says it is "on, off" contact. Says sometimes doesn't see her for 6 months sometimes. He says there has been no sex since 2011, but he has given her many gifts and has does mechanical repairs on her car.

He says he is profoundly sorry and is willing to take a polygraph whenever I schedule it.


Me (BW) 63
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Yes, he does have an iphone and for what its worth, he is willing to take a polygraph test.

I would book the test, but also you should get his phone right now and do this to see where he has been:

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Do this: Open Settings, then select Privacy, then Location Services, then System Services, then Frequent Locations. This shows you all the places that the phone has spent repeated times visiting.

While you have his iphone, I would go through all his texts.

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Also, shall I send the exposure letter to the members of her local real estate organization where she is president. Shall I expose to her facebook friends (the ones that "like" her comments)? I've only exposed to the 10 board members using letter Dr Harley recommends

Which letter? And you should expose to everyone of her friends you can find.

Did you read my comments about exposing to BOTH your family and friends?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
He says this was a sexual affair until 2011 when I first discovered it. Since that time, he says it is "on, off" contact. Says sometimes doesn't see her for 6 months sometimes. He says there has been no sex since 2011, but he has given her many gifts and has does mechanical repairs on her car.

Which is another lie. He lied about it being sexual all along.

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He says he is profoundly sorry and is willing to take a polygraph whenever I schedule it.

I would schedule it because he is lying. The fact that he is lying indicates this is not over and he is not serious.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He has a SEXUAL affair with this tramp. Just because they haven't recently had sex does not change that fact. He lied before and told you it was only "emotional." He is still lying.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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File this for future reference, you need to do a much better job of snooping if you intend on staying married. I am really astonished he was able to get away with this for so long. You should have spyware on his phone, a GPS on his car and a VAR in his car.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here is what you told us back on 06/27/12:

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My story: I suspected my husband might be having an emotional affair in 2008.

In 2008, I found out thru his actions and texts that he was having an emotional affair with the woman that was showing him potential properites to start his business.
here

The "emotional affair" was bullsh** then and it is bullsh** now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes. He admitted to having a sexual affair in the past. I will schedule a polygraph to find if this is true. I know his password on everything I know of. I check location services frequestly and her job and home are not listed as frequent locations. Today, we have installed a gps and a voice activated recorder.

Can you make suggestions for the questions on the polygraph.

I will finish sending letters:

July 18, 2016


Dear Friend of XXXXXX:

It grieves me to write this letter, but I believe all of her friends should know the kind of person she really is. XXXXX has had an affair with my husband, John, from 2008 until present day. She was showing my husband commercial real estate at the time they initiated their sexual affair. My husband and I have been married for 30 years, have 3 children and 5 grandchilden. We are trying to reconcile. I would appreciate it if you used your influence over XXXX to have her leave him alone so we can try to put our marriage together.

Sincerely,



XXXXXXX

I have already personally told his family, my family, our friends. The ones I will do tonight are her remaining business colleagues ( i have only sent out 10 letters) and facebook friends.


Me (BW) 63
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Today, we have installed a gps and a voice activated recorder.

Bikerwife, who is "we"?

He should not know about the GPS or VAR. That would defeat the purpose. His word is NEVER to be trusted again.

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So HE does not know about the GPS and the VAR, right?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I have already personally told his family, my family, our friends. The ones I will do tonight are her remaining business colleagues ( i have only sent out 10 letters) and facebook friends.

WHEN did you tell all your family and friends? What was the date?

Did you tell your children?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He does not know about gps or recorder. My son is installing them inside car with Velcro


Me (BW) 63
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I found out on Thursday July 14th. I told all AGAIN personally including my 3 adult children. They have talked to him wanting answers.

What else can I do to find the truth?


Me (BW) 63
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Just so you know, I never exposed to OW's colleagues or friends because I was scared. My husband said he'd never reconcile with me if I told any of her friends. 5 years ago I did tell all of our family, friends and children immediately, unfortunately I kept her secret for her. I'm no longer so scared.


Me (BW) 63
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I have been reading Marriage Builders for the last 5 years


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
He does not know about gps or recorder. My son is installing them inside car with Velcro

Good girl!! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Just so you know, I never exposed to OW's colleagues or friends because I was scared. My husband said he'd never reconcile with me if I told any of her friends.

You have paid dearly for enabling his affair by keeping his secret. Glad you caught on finally!! It is always a bad idea to allow a cheater to threaten you into silence because the whole point of secrecy is intended to protect the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I have been reading Marriage Builders for the last 5 years

WHICH BOOK?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Listening to the radio, reading discussion forum, read Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
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FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
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With all my heart, I regret not exposing the affair to her colleagues and friends. Tonight I am ready to step up to the plate and I will send the letters via Facebook PM spaced out every minute. I want that woman to regret she ever hooked up with my husband.

I have tried confronting her at her condo but she won't open the door. She is very condescending to me as if I have wronged her!!!


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Listening to the radio, reading discussion forum, read Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs

Will you get the new version of Surviving an Affair? You can download it on kindle for PCs and read it. Dr Harley rewrote it a couple of years back. Here is the checklist from that book:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
With all my heart, I regret not exposing the affair to her colleagues and friends. Tonight I am ready to step up to the plate and I will send the letters via Facebook PM spaced out every minute. I want that woman to regret she ever hooked up with my husband.

I have tried confronting her at her condo but she won't open the door. She is very condescending to me as if I have wronged her!!!

You are doing great!! Bravo to you!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The worse part of the exposure is no response from any of her friends. I mailed out 10 letters to the Board of Directors and tonight I have sent out 20 PM to Facebook friends.

My husband confessed to me the gifts he has given her. I wanted them back. She has so many more Facebook friends I could keep on going. I feel frustrated as not one person has emailed or called me back.

Where do I go from here. She is a professional ice skater. I know where she teaches. Shall I confront her or just let it go????

I am broken hearted that my husband would do this to me again. I don't believe a word that comes out of my husband's mouth. What am I to do if I still want to save my marriage? I am lost now. Exhausted.


Me (BW) 63
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FWH EA 2007 - 2011
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
The worse part of the exposure is no response from any of her friends. I mailed out 10 letters to the Board of Directors and tonight I have sent out 20 PM to Facebook friends.

Just keep exposing.

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My husband confessed to me the gifts he has given her. I wanted them back.

NO, he should never ever have any contact with her again other than to send her the no contact letter. Has he sent that yet?

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She has so many more Facebook friends I could keep on going. I feel frustrated as not one person has emailed or called me back.

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I am broken hearted that my husband would do this to me again. I don't believe a word that comes out of my husband's mouth. What am I to do if I still want to save my marriage? I am lost now. Exhausted.

He didn't do it to you again; he never STOPPED doing it. His affair never stopped. If you want to save your marriage, you will need to implement extraordinary precautions to make sure this never happens again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Shall I send the letter together with him although we already called her together?

Also when I said I wanted the gifts returned, I had told her to make a meeting place with my adult son

If you say so, I will continue Facebook exposure. She has 1000 friends. I have only sent to 20.

What questions shall I ask on polygraph?





Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
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Are the items family heirlooms or something valuable that you want them? These items will be triggers for you. Even if you do get them, you will then need to get rid of them after.

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Shall I send the letter together with him although we already called her together?

What was the call about? What was said?

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Also when I said I wanted the gifts returned, I had told her to make a meeting place with my adult son

What do you plan on doing with this garbage???

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If you say so, I will continue Facebook exposure. She has 1000 friends. I have only sent to 20.

Be more strategic. Prioritize your list with family first and then married friends. Add those to the list who seem to be on her facebook page alot. If you can get to 80 ppl, that would be a great achievement.

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What questions shall I ask on polygraph?

FIRST, you need to write out as many questions as possible BEFOREHAND, such as:

1. when was the last time they had sex
2. where they met
3. what they did together
4. every communication method they used
5. did they use protection
6. outline of all their trysts, giving dates, where they met, what they did, etc. you need a timeline
7. has he ever had other affairs in your marriage

These are some critical questions you should ask - think it over carefully and add to the list as you see fit. HE SHOULD ANSWER ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS RIGHT AWAY, WELL BEFORE THE TEST.

Please listen carefully so you completely understand what I am saying, most people do not understand this strategy and get confused: give him this long list of questions 2-3 days BEFORE the test and tell him he has one last chance to come clean before the test. Tell him you will not tell him which questions will be on the test but you fully expect him to PASS THE TEST. You will only be able to ask 2-3 true/false questions on the test so this strategy will allow you get the truth BEFORE the test. Do you understand?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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On July 14, Dday #2, he said continuing his relationship with her, was providing minimal satisfaction. He said she has moved on and mostly it's more about what he can do for her. Ex- he did mechanical work in her motorcycle, car, gave her gifts and money.

He agreed to call her after I pushed him. I dialed the number. She didn't pick up. He left the message say he loved means wanted to make our marriage work.

I wanted the "garbage" for the personal satisfaction that she wouldn't have it.

It is difficult to be more strategic as far as Facebook goes. I coped contacts, but I can no longer see who "liked" her postings.

However, she is president of a professional organization. I sent the 10 letters to the Board of Directors. I do have access to the other 20 general members. Shall I send out those 20 letters right now.

I understand what you want me to do with polygraplh. I've been working on all the questions to ask him knowing that in the true test there will only be 2 or 3 questions asked by the examiner.

I love him still


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
However, she is president of a professional organization. I sent the 10 letters to the Board of Directors. I do have access to the other 20 general members. Shall I send out those 20 letters right now.

YES, get this wrapped up tonight.

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I understand what you want me to do with polygraplh. I've been working on all the questions to ask him knowing that in the true test there will only be 2 or 3 questions asked by the examiner.

Good girl! And don't sit there and discuss this with him. Hand him the list of questions and ask him to go into a another room in the house and write out the answers.

You need to know everything about the affair, how they met, who called, where they met, everything.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Ok. I wrote out 50 questions. He is a answering them. Scheduling polygraph for Tuesday

Right now sending all the rest of the letters to the members of organization where she is president.

Shall I confront her this week where she teaches ice skating or just let it go so nocontact includes me.

I have so much disgust for her and feel that she hasn't suffered for the 8 years she and my husband have been killing me.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Ok. I wrote out 50 questions. He is a answering them. Scheduling polygraph for Tuesday

Good girl! And you understand you need all these answers well before the test, right? You can then assess his answers and focus on the ones you question for the polygraph test. You will have to decide what 2-3 questions you want asked on the test.

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Right now sending all the rest of the letters to the members of organization where she is president.

Good girl!! hurray Does he know you are doing this?

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Shall I confront her this week where she teaches ice skating or just let it go so nocontact includes me.

I don't see any point in it. It will just be stressful for you with no benefit. No contact does not necessarily include you but in this case, there is no point in visiting that hoe.

My concern is that all avenues of contact are closed down. As it is now, she can come to his shop, right? Does he have a landline at the shop he can use to call her? How will you ENSURE contact never takes place again?

Once you go through the checklist and finish exposures and implement extraordinary precautions, you will need to focus 100% on creating a romantic, passionate marriage. Did you get Surviving an Affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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My husband does NOT know I am exposing. Turns out there are 150 members. I am sending them letters because website doesn't list emails but does list business addresses.

She can no longer go to his shop. We are both retired and go most places together.

My husband is asleep. 10:30pm. Ca time. My son is here installing gps and voice activated recorder totally unbeknownst to my husband.

We have T mobile and my son has notifications sent to me every single hour as to the location of iPhone. Of course, if iPhone is shut off , it won't work.

I have read Survivinf an Affair several times.

I got one response from a well known Olympic retired figure skater who is her friend. Says she doesn't want to be invoked. Ignore or ask her to please intervene???

Otherwise, no messages from the other 29 exposure targets. She has not even tried reaching my husband to vent. Why not???

Please let me know what else to do. I'm scared that he will feel I'm not worth the hassle. He doesn't seem to be in the pain that I am experiencing. I've lost 8 pounds in one week and have a hard time having believing anything he says. He did answer the 50 questions and is ready for the polygraph on Tuesday

I will not confront her in person but feel so much animosity that they both fooled me for so long. I pray for strength to not forgive but institute extraordinary precautions.

I will also email Joyce at marriage builders as I'm so sad and feel overwhelmed. The only thing that makes me feel better is exposing her.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Ok. I wrote out 50 questions. He is a answering them. Scheduling polygraph for Tuesday

Good girl! And you understand you need all these answers well before the test, right? You can then assess his answers and focus on the ones you question for the polygraph test. You will have to decide what 2-3 questions you want asked on the test.
I remember one board member asked as last question on the polygraph "did you answer all questions on the list truthfully".

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Thank you goody 2 shoes. All advise is appreciated. I am so sad and wounded but have been working on my exposure letters for a few hours


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
We have T mobile and my son has notifications sent to me every single hour as to the location of iPhone. Of course, if iPhone is shut off , it won't work.

I would also get webwatcher spyware on his iphone. Can your son do that?

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I have read Survivinf an Affair several times.

Do you have the new version that has the checklist on page 67?

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I got one response from a well known Olympic retired figure skater who is her friend. Says she doesn't want to be invoked. Ignore or ask her to please intervene???

Ignore

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Otherwise, no messages from the other 29 exposure targets. She has not even tried reaching my husband to vent. Why not???

She will.

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Please let me know what else to do. I'm scared that he will feel I'm not worth the hassle.

This is exactly what has kept you in a bad marriage for many years. If he will not do absolutely everything to give you just compensation, then he is not the hassle. You have been emotionally wrecked for many years, unless something happens to change his reckless and thoughtless behavior you are better off leaving the marriage. Dr Harley does not recommend staying in an abusive unhappy marriage. Your husband has made you extremely unhappy for a very long time.

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He doesn't seem to be in the pain that I am experiencing. I've lost 8 pounds in one week and have a hard time having believing anything he says. He did answer the 50 questions and is ready for the polygraph on Tuesday

Did they seem to be truthful answers?

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I will not confront her in person but feel so much animosity that they both fooled me for so long. I pray for strength to not forgive but institute extraordinary precautions.

If your husband will give you just compensation and a happy, satisfied marriage, you will be happy and you won't feel such hate. He will have to step up to the plate.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Here you go. Polygraph Testing


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Did they seem to be truthful answers?

The answers to polygraph questions: seem to be truthful as he has told me things he has never told me. This morning I will try to schedule the polygraph for tomorrow afternoon.

I will look into webwatcher.

The gps phone and VAR are installed in the 2 cars he tends to drive the most.

I have the new version of Surviving an Affair which has the checklist on page 67.

I have put 30 snail mail letters to mail first thing this morning. I still have 110 more to prepare. Addressing the snail mail letter, etc. I do not have their emails.

He says he is so sorry, but I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I need comfort from him. He does do that at times--hugs me and says he will show me truthfulness from here on out.

During this time, am I still supposed to be in Plan A. I do cook for him and talk to him respectfully, seldom cry, but I can't get myself to tell him "I love you" back to him when he says it to me.

Help me understand how I should behave with him the next few days. Am I to be sweet, loving and kind even though I feel tremendous anger from the answers he gave on polygraph questions. I haven't shown the anger to him, but it hurts so bad to know he bought gifts for me AND BOUGHT THE EXACT SAME GIFTS FOR ME!!!! How cruel and unimaginative.

After the polygraph, am I not supposed to discuss the affair again. Is my goal to follow checklist on page 67.

From his responses to the 50 polygraph questions, it sounds that she has been using him for what he could do for it. One of the polygraph questions was has he touched her in any way in the last 5 years. He adamantly wrote down, that in the last 5 years, he held her hand when they went to the restaurants and that he did kiss her, but says that in the last 5 years there has been no sex--oral, anal, hand jobs, blow jobs or vaginal intercourse. He says he is so sick of the lying.

I find that hard to believe, but says he will past the polygraph.

Thank you for giving me advice. I can talk with my family, but they haven't read Marriage Builders so my kids can't understand why I would want to give him another chance. I feel so alone except when I hear from Forum Members.

Thank you Brainy for polygraph link,

I will try and work on the other 100 letters to finish exposure. We are together practically all the time, but I do think he will be outside doing yardwork so I can finish exposure.

Do I write too much?

Last edited by Bikerwife; 07/25/16 10:29 AM. Reason: Quote thing is not working for me. I don't know how to do it

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I tried doing the quote thing so you would know what questions I'm answering, but I can't figure it out.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
During this time, am I still supposed to be in Plan A. I do cook for him and talk to him respectfully, seldom cry, but I can't get myself to tell him "I love you" back to him when he says it to me.

You are in plan recovery.

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Help me understand how I should behave with him the next few days. Am I to be sweet, loving and kind even though I feel tremendous anger from the answers he gave on polygraph questions. I haven't shown the anger to him, but it hurts so bad to know he bought gifts for me AND BOUGHT THE EXACT SAME GIFTS FOR ME!!!! How cruel and unimaginative.

No lovebusters, but you can let him know how devastated and hurt you are. Plan A has nothing to do with being fake. It only means you avoid lovebusters and do your best to meet his needs.

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After the polygraph, am I not supposed to discuss the affair again. Is my goal to follow checklist on page 67.

Right, you don't discuss it as long as you a) have all the information and b) as long as nothing NEW comes up. If something new comes up, then you might need to discuss it.

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From his responses to the 50 polygraph questions, it sounds that she has been using him for what he could do for it. One of the polygraph questions was has he touched her in any way in the last 5 years. He adamantly wrote down, that in the last 5 years, he held her hand when they went to the restaurants and that he did kiss her, but says that in the last 5 years there has been no sex--oral, anal, hand jobs, blow jobs or vaginal intercourse. He says he is so sick of the lying.

So the answer is YES, he did touch her. And is lying about the extent of sexual contact. Expect him to confess this before the polygraph. You should be telling him that this is his last chance to confess it all and that he had better pass the test. Remind him it is time to get it all out NOW while he has a chance. It will come out eventually, if he wants to save his marriage it needs to come out now.

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Do I write too much?

Absolutely not! You are clear and concise and ask good questions. I know it hurts today, but it won't hurt a year from now if you can follow this program to the letter. You are doing great!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I tried doing the quote thing so you would know what questions I'm answering, but I can't figure it out.

Click the "quote" button at the bottom of the post you want to reply to and it will quote that post. You can then delete any verbiage you want to delete. You end each quote with "[/quote]"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Today, I have managed to send out 40 letters with a photo of my husband and I. I've had to handwrite envelopes because I don't have email addresses of the members of this association. I am going to the post office now and am using one of my husband's 2 cars that he tends to drive. He has not gone out today so I want to see if the gps and VAR work. My son installed them last night after my husband went to bed.

I still have 110 more letters to send out by hand. Strategically, I feel should she would be most shamed by revealing her affair to these people since she is pres of this chapter.

The problem with Facebook is that although I copied their names, she has 1000 contacts and I only knew 20 that often "liked her comments". She was adopted and has no relatives or other adopted siblings.So I would just randomly picking "friends" to expose to.

The polygraph is scheduled for 2 pm tomorrow. I will try and post the 3 questions and get your feedback.

I will have to try and work on the letters when he goes to bed. What else should I be doing? Im looking into "webwatcher"

My stomach is in knots.


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you are doing great!! Just stick with this plan. Once this is all over, you can move onto next steps and that is rebuilding your marriage and making it affair proof and romantic. We can help you with that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I get to ask 3 yes or no questions on the polygraph although I've asked him more than 60 which he SAYS he has answered honestly (but I am of the belief if his lips are moving, he's lying).

What do any of you think about these 3 questions:

1. Do you love OW?

2. Since Day Day #1 in 2011, have you had sex at any time--oral, anal, hand jobs, or intercourse, heavy petting. (he has already admitted to holding hands and tongue kissing) from Nov 1, 2011 to the present

3. Have you had an emotional and/or sexual affair besides XXXXX (the only OW I know about) ANY time during our 30 year marriage.

I really want to use this opportunity to the best advantage. Please help me select the best 3 questions.

I know I may talk tough about what Im doing but I'm still so scared. I want to be loved and cherished and many times feel embarassed that I can still love this person that has hurt me so badly for 8 years.

I thought I would ask him to handwrite the No Contact letter tomorrow if he passes the polygraph.

Please help me with the questions.



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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I get to ask 3 yes or no questions on the polygraph although I've asked him more than 60 which he SAYS he has answered honestly (but I am of the belief if his lips are moving, he's lying).

What do any of you think about these 3 questions:

1. Do you love OW?

Strike this one. The answer is yes. You need to stick to factual questions.

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2. Since Day Day #1 in 2011, have you had sex at any time--oral, anal, hand jobs, or intercourse, heavy petting. (he has already admitted to holding hands and tongue kissing) from Nov 1, 2011 to the present

3. Have you had an emotional and/or sexual affair besides XXXXX (the only OW I know about) ANY time during our 30 year marriage.

I really want to use this opportunity to the best advantage. Please help me select the best 3 questions.

I am not sure what the 3rd question should be. Let me think about it. Maybe others have some ideas.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thanks, Melody. Hopefully others can help me question #3.

I just don't know how I can get past his loving her still TODAY. Not only is she a tramp. I keep asking him what emotional need is she feeling. Is it possible that he doesn't really know. He seems to tell me other things which are sooooo painful for me to hear. But he can't seem to articulate, what it is about her that he gladly risked all we've built together for 30 years. He has been lying to me for 8 years and yet he can't tell me what need. He says it wasn't sexual intercourse because he was happy just to see her, hold her hand and french kiss her.

How can I understand? I'm going crazy. The only thing that keeps me sane is exposing her. I got 3 messages from Facebook that 3 people accepted my message, but 2 didn't reply and another said she wants to stay out of it.

Out of the 10 Board Members, NONE bothered calling my cell phone. What are they thinking. Do you think they are questioning OW at all. I truly believe she has not yet contacted my husband.


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Make sure to inform any HR department if they have one.

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The 3rd question should be: did you answer all my questions truthfully?


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Most agents have agreed to a code of ethics. You could look into a complaint with the governing board or state licensing. Having an affair with a married client is not ethical and casts a shady light on the profession. Just a thought.

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But focus on the poly for now and go the licensing pressure route later to keep her from contacting him.

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Has he changed his contact information?

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So far, we have only traded phones.

He bas not written NC letter yet. I haven't asked him yet.

For past 2 days, I've gotten gps and VAR in the 2 cars he drives
I spent last 2 nights exposing to about 70 people. I still have about 40 more targets

We are doing a polygraph at 3pm today.

I am scared. That is what I have done in last 48 hours. We have both retired. I an 63 years old and he is 59. We have an acre of land where we spend our daytime ours working. At night, we take dance classes and go out on dates

My 3 children are adults.

I had open heart surgery 8 months ago and had 2 mechanical valves. I still have very bad A Fib. I'm trying to do the best I can. I am hurt and depressed because he ACTED like he was in love with me. We had fun and no it's hard to fake being happy. Who wants to be with a depressed person.

I thank you for caring enough to write.



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Thinking of today during the polygraph. Hope all goes well. hug


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Thank you Brainy. Not sure if you can find radio show from 2012 or 2013. His name is John and he spoke to dr Harley about being tracked is gps


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You should see your doctor. You need help with the stress.

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Thank you Brainy. Not sure if you can find radio show from 2012 or 2013. His name is John and he spoke to dr Harley about being tracked is gps
I will look.

If I recall correctly I thought I posted it to your old thread?

How did the polygraph go?


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Ques #1. Has he had any form of sex with her in last 5 years. No sex except kissing.
He PASSED

Ques #2. Has he had any emotional/sexual affairs other than the 8 years with the skank?
No, he has not. He passed

Ques #3. Has he been truthful about answering all my 60 questions that I have asked him

This one showed deception. He hadn't told me had kept some of the momentous she had given him. After he admitted to it when the polygrapher tester asked him if there was any other deception on all 60 questions he passed why would he be ok in telling me much more hateful things and not admit to a momento. I have not been crying or screaming

I still feel so sad.


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Well, the hardest part is over. Do you feel now that you have the full truth? Have you gone through the full checklist and affair proofed in every way? One red flag I did see is that he has the same email address and phone #. There should be no way for her to get in touch with him. Can you see to that?

The next big focus should be creating a romantic, passionate marriage. Do you know HOW? Do you know these next steps?


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He still doesn't want to send no contact letter. He says we called her together and that should be enough. Sometimes he is so sweet but other times I don't feel he is as remorseful as he should be.

I start questioning myself. I don't want to be a sucker again. I am exhausted but working on the exposure letters tonight. He so cold sometimes I wonder if I should try and save this marriage. Other times , he is sweet as can be. I feel like I'm going crazy and sometimes I think about not taking the heart medications I need and calling it quits. I am so overwhelmingly sad I can't see straight


Me (BW) 63
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Have you printed the checklist and handed to him?

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
He still doesn't want to send no contact letter. He says we called her together and that should be enough. Sometimes he is so sweet but other times I don't feel he is as remorseful as he should be.

I start questioning myself. I don't want to be a sucker again. I am exhausted but working on the exposure letters tonight. He so cold sometimes I wonder if I should try and save this marriage. Other times , he is sweet as can be. I feel like I'm going crazy and sometimes I think about not taking the heart medications I need and calling it quits. I am so overwhelmingly sad I can't see straight
I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

Have you spoken with your doctor about temporary ADs?


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
He still doesn't want to send no contact letter. He says we called her together and that should be enough. Sometimes he is so sweet but other times I don't feel he is as remorseful as he should be.

The no contact letter is a good will gesture FOR YOU. This is part of making amends to you. It is up to you to decide what is "enough," not him.

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I start questioning myself. I don't want to be a sucker again. I am exhausted but working on the exposure letters tonight. He so cold sometimes I wonder if I should try and save this marriage. Other times , he is sweet as can be. I feel like I'm going crazy and sometimes I think about not taking the heart medications I need and calling it quits. I am so overwhelmingly sad I can't see straight

PLEASE call your doctor this morning and ask him to prescribe anti-depressants.

Would your husband come here and post to us? We could support you by posting to him. If he will, I would want you to email the moderators FIRST and ask them to remove this thread. He doesn't need to read this thread.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I will call my doctor today and will get antidepressants because I have so much pain and I want it to go away.

5 years ago after DDay #1, my husband and I would listen to Marriage Builders Radio. I thought he liked it. He is not much of a reader and has only read Surviving an Affair because I asked him. At this point, he would never post.

He answered my questions and passed the polygraph except that one question. After he came clean about the momentous, the polygraph examiner asked him many times in different forms if there was any more deception or if there was any more info that he is hiding and he passed


I am happy he came clean but I don't understand why I still feel so yucky inside. He insists that it is me that can't forgive. I did let him know I had triggers during the 5 years between Dday #1 and 1week ago, DDay #2. I have made my own mistakes. When I needed heart surgery last October, MD took mr off hormone replacement. He was worried about strokes in addition to my 2 heart valves not working well. This made sex impossible.

He told me that sex wasn't important and just be concerned with getting strong. Sexual penetration felt like a knife being turned inside me. Right now I am at the gynecologist going to try "MonaLisa treatment". It's 3 laser treatments that's supposed to toughen my vaginal tissue. I don't know what emotional need I wasn't meeting for him but I feel this was one although he repeatedly told me that cuddling with me made him happy

He did pass polygraph that he had no sex with her in the past 5 years but the thought of OW in my life hurts so bad. I just don't know how to get past it







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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I will call my doctor today and will get antidepressants because I have so much pain and I want it to go away.

5 years ago after DDay #1, my husband and I would listen to Marriage Builders Radio. I thought he liked it. He is not much of a reader and has only read Surviving an Affair because I asked him. At this point, he would never post.

He answered my questions and passed the polygraph except that one question. After he came clean about the momentous, the polygraph examiner asked him many times in different forms if there was any more deception or if there was any more info that he is hiding and he passed

You had a super polygraph tester! Good for him weeding this out.


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I am happy he came clean but I don't understand why I still feel so yucky inside. He insists that it is me that can't forgive.

Of course you can't forgive. What is there to "forgive?" The onus is on him to provide you just comenpensation; it is NOT on you to "forgive." Forgiveness is not appropriate in this situation. For him to demand forgiveness reflects an entitled attitude. He needs to focus on helping you, not demanding undeserved "forgiveness," GOOD GRIEF.

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He did pass polygraph that he had no sex with her in the past 5 years but the thought of OW in my life hurts so bad. I just don't know how to get past it

Here is how you get past it: you work together to create a passionate, romantic marriage. When you are happy in the present, your mind doesnt go to the past.

You are closer to happiness TODAY than you have been in years. While you are in pain today, it was necessary to rip out the weeds by their roots. I believe you have done that.


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I saw the MD today. He started me on anti anxiety med. that helps me sleep. I understand that my husband had an affair because he had opportunity and I wasn't meeting a need or 2. I do believe he doesn't want to get a divorce because he could have done that anytime in the last 8 years. Seems like he needed/wanted both of us. Why? I try to fake happiness so we can have a decent day, buy why did he do it.

I just had one of the members from her work organization call me. She received the exposure letter. She asked me why go this route. Her husband and boyfriend both cheated on her so she called me to get "the lowdown". She couldn't believe that a therapist would advise me to "expose". I shared some of my reliefs as she shared Buddhist beliefs on forgiveness and then I thanked her for calling. Although she doesn't know OW well, she forwarded my letter to OW.

My husband has been transparent. I have his phone in my lap. I have all his passwords. Today I mailed the last 75+ letters to the realtor organization club members where she is president. Do you think she'll physically come after me. I almost welcome it. I feel she's been laughing at me figuratively. I still cannot find any contact between her and my husband. Since its been 8 years of an affair, is exposing her going to be enough to scare her that I will do everything in my power to share her affair to people she know. I've exposed it to 170 people. Shall I call it a day or there are other organizations that she belongs to and I haven't exposed to.

Right now we are going for 2 days on an overnight mini vacation. My husband is trying so hard to be nice but I have such a hard time believing him. I try to be nice but at the same time protecting my heart.

Advice welcome from all


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I saw the MD today. He started me on anti anxiety med. that helps me sleep.

Good for you!!!

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I understand that my husband had an affair because he had opportunity and I wasn't meeting a need or 2.

Oh no, he would have had an affair even if you had met his needs 1000%. The reason he had the affair is because he has poor boundaries around women and because he had ample opportunity to do it. The affair was never ended properly years ago so it just dragged out.

If you learn to do a super job of meeting his needs, he will STILL have another affair if the environment that led to the affair does not change.

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I do believe he doesn't want to get a divorce because he could have done that anytime in the last 8 years. Seems like he needed/wanted both of us. Why? I try to fake happiness so we can have a decent day, buy why did he do it.

Stop faking happiness. He needs to learn to MAKE you happy so you will want to stay married. BUT, you should not lovebust him and you should not keep talking about the affair.

He needs to work really hard on becoming the best husband he can be if he wants to save this marriage.

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I just had one of the members from her work organization call me. She received the exposure letter. She asked me why go this route. Her husband and boyfriend both cheated on her so she called me to get "the lowdown". She couldn't believe that a therapist would advise me to "expose". I shared some of my reliefs as she shared Buddhist beliefs on forgiveness and then I thanked her for calling. Although she doesn't know OW well, she forwarded my letter to OW.

Good!!

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My husband has been transparent. I have his phone in my lap. I have all his passwords. Today I mailed the last 75+ letters to the realtor organization club members where she is president. Do you think she'll physically come after me. I almost welcome it. I feel she's been laughing at me figuratively. I still cannot find any contact between her and my husband. Since its been 8 years of an affair, is exposing her going to be enough to scare her that I will do everything in my power to share her affair to people she know. I've exposed it to 170 people. Shall I call it a day or there are other organizations that she belongs to and I haven't exposed to.

You did a super job of exposing so I would put that aside and move forward.

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Right now we are going for 2 days on an overnight mini vacation. My husband is trying so hard to be nice but I have such a hard time believing him. I try to be nice but at the same time protecting my heart.

Is he usually not nice? How does he typically treat you?

Very glad you are getting away for a short trip.


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My husband usually does treat me well. that was Why I thought the affair for the last 5 years was over. From 2008 til 2011, I worked lots of hours on my career and traveled throughout the US teaching. When I found out about the affair and Marriage Builders, I quit traveling. I snooped but not enough because we felt so close. We had dates, had fun, cuddled in bed and he would initiate how much he loved me and how beautiful I was.

The polygraph showed he was telling the truth that he had no sex any which way in the last 5 years. What could he possibly have gotten out of the affair. Thrill of the chase??? In October 2016 I had open heart surgery. I was in the hospital for almost 3 weeks. Polygraph says no deception when I asked him if he spent the night with her when I was in the hospital.

Is any of this relevant. He says he doesn't know why he continued seeing her for so long but the "why really bugs me".

Since October I am retired. When I say he's nicer, I mean he REALLY complements me WAY MORE than usual. Why, why, why? I dress pretty always, good makeup, good hair, good weight. Most people say I look 10 or 15 years younger than 63. Why wasn't I enough?


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You've said not to fake being happy.

Today on vacation, we're having a pretty good time but then it pops into my head that he is such a skillful deceiver. Since he passed the polygraph, are you suggesting trust but verify, institute extraordinary precautions.

Help me how do I let it go bi feel he's trying but I'm so distrustful


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
You've said not to fake being happy.

Today on vacation, we're having a pretty good time but then it pops into my head that he is such a skillful deceiver. Since he passed the polygraph, are you suggesting trust but verify, institute extraordinary precautions.

Help me how do I let it go bi feel he's trying but I'm so distrustful

You are supposed to be distrustful of untrustworthy people. You are protected now because you have extraordinary precautions in place. As time goes by and he demonstrates he has CHANGED, your trust will grow.

Just remember not to talk about it. Try to relax and have a good time.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
then it pops into my head that he is such a skillful deceiver.

Don't say this out loud. It is ok to say this here, but don't say to him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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How can I get rid of the thought I was SECOND best. He wasn't even having sex with her for 5 years but yet he was willing to risk losing me. I feel he's settling for me although he says he never stopped loving me. Dr Harley says "caring means your spouse's needs ahead of your own".

I'm having a hard time believing he loves me when he kept the lies and facade for 8 years.

I question what's wrong with me when I still feel I love this person who has committed the ultimate betrayal not once but twice. I feel I have no backbone. I wish he would have gotten rid of her before I found out.

In one of your postings, Melody, you write he is still in love with the OW. I feel so tired of competing and feel I deserve a husband that thinks of me as #1. I am so depressed, but of course not showing it to him. I feel I'm the one that has to be stoic and Plan A.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
How can I get rid of the thought I was SECOND best. He wasn't even having sex with her for 5 years but yet he was willing to risk losing me. I feel he's settling for me although he says he never stopped loving me. Dr Harley says "caring means your spouse's needs ahead of your own".

I'm having a hard time believing he loves me when he kept the lies and facade for 8 years.

I question what's wrong with me when I still feel I love this person who has committed the ultimate betrayal not once but twice. I feel I have no backbone. I wish he would have gotten rid of her before I found out.

In one of your postings, Melody, you write he is still in love with the OW. I feel so tired of competing and feel I deserve a husband that thinks of me as #1. I am so depressed, but of course not showing it to him. I feel I'm the one that has to be stoic and Plan A.

You are not in Plan A. The competition is OVER. The skank has been removed. No more competition. You are both in Plan Recovery and he should be busting his butt to give you just compensation. I know it doesn't feel great today, but if he does a great job meeting your needs, this will fade. I promise you. I am years into recovery and I never think about it. I do feel like I am #1 in my H's life and YOU WILL TOO if you stick with this.

You most certainly DO have a backbone. You ran that hoe off very effectively. You do not EVER have to settle for less in your marriage. If your H doesn't do a great job at meeting your needs and putting you first, you do not have to stay married.

hugs to you, my friend. hug I know you hurt today, but I promise it will get better.


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Thank you for your words. I really respect you

You and of course Dr Harley give me strength. Years ago after DDay #1 in 2011,when I talked to my friends and family about exposure, they made me feel that was an illogical thing to do and this affair was between my husband and I and that's as far as it should go.

I hope other betrayed spouses overcome their fear to do that. One of the woman colleagues of the OW that received my exposure letter said to me: how dare I wreck OW reputation. In my most patient voice, I told her colleague that I had not wrecked the OW's reputation. I was just sharing the truth about what OW has been doing for 8 years and requesting her influence of OW. She actually laughed at me and said she has never heard of a licensed clinical psychologist making such a statement.

Tomorrow is when about 75 more colleagues will most likely receive the letters sent via US mail.


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Bikerwife-

Those who are waywards might see it as inappropriate. But maybe they will think twice.

I exposed some stuff and got backlash from family. They didn't say it to my face. Then I realized why. The person who criticized behind the scenes, had recently been sucked in by inappropriate interactions with a high school lover. Of course they would see my stance of exposure as threatening.

Just move forward. It's not pretty, but it's your reality, and sometimes you gotta amputate a limb to save a life.

You are so brave and strong. You can feel better in time, if your husband gives just compensation.

Hugs.

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I hope other betrayed spouses overcome their fear to do that. One of the woman colleagues of the OW that received my exposure letter said to me: how dare I wreck OW reputation.

Silly me! All this time I though the OW had wrecked her own reputation by having an affair with a married man! rotflmao Talk about blaming the victim!!

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Tomorrow is when about 75 more colleagues will most likely receive the letters sent via US mail.

You did an amazing job!!! If anyone comes after you, just remind that it is wrong to screw a married man; it is not wrong to expose the despicable actions of such a person.


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I know, right! If OW didn't want people thinking she's a skanke, she should have bean a skank!


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I just got s call from someone in New Mexico. Says doesn't know OW, but someone posted my letter on Reddit.com. I only told the truth. What if OW can't find another job in LA? Should I be nervous at all. I did not lie in letter and posted it for you to see.

Thoughts?


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I just got s call from someone in New Mexico. Says doesn't know OW, but someone posted my letter on Reddit.com. I only told the truth. What if OW can't find another job in LA? Should I be nervous at all. I did not lie in letter and posted it for you to see.

Thoughts?

This is great!! She might not be able to find a job. Most people don't like hiring adulterers. But that is not your fault!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
What if OW can't find another job in LA? Should I be nervous at all.

No, you are not the one who might have more trouble finding a job, so no reason to be nervous.

There's not some law that says "don't reveal the bad things people do or do anything that might make it harder for them to find a job." If there were, people couldn't say "Hey, don't hire Joe, because he's not trustworthy; he's been known to steal from the register." People are allowed to do what they want and say what they want - it's called freedom!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you Brainy.

We went away for 2 days to the beach and had fun. I don't show it to my husband, but I have a tremendous amount is anxiety. MD gave me meds but they make me sleepy. He didn't want to give me anti depressants yet because I have so many unresolved hear issues. My heart rate is 135 right now whereby even with atrial fibrillation it's supposed to stay under 100.

My husband doesn't share enough intimate conversation with me. Melody, I believe you when you say in time I won't be so needy. I want him to tell me, he lives me and respects me but everyday the thoughts go thru my mind that I've been #2 for 8 years. I understand that with just compensation, I will feel better in time. What do I do for the next couple of months. I told him after the polygraph no more talk about the affair but I told him I need words of affirmation. He'll do it for a day and then back to wanting me to just know how much he loves me

I feel foolish, needy and inadequate like he's "settled" for me. If he always has loved me like he said he did, why did he not end the affair sooner.

Can anyone help me or is the plan to believe it will get better with just compensation? Sometimes I don't know if I can hang in there that long


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Can anyone help me or is the plan to believe it will get better with just compensation? Sometimes I don't know if I can hang in there that long

He needs to throw himself into the program and do a super job of meeting your needs. Right now he should be working on conversation and affection. This is why it is SO IMPORTANT you start doing the program and change the bad habits that have crippled your marriage. Are you working the program together? Recovery does not happen by magic, but by design.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
My heart rate is 135 right now whereby even with atrial fibrillation it's supposed to stay under 100

There might be many reasons for that, but I would suggest to check your potassium level if it's not done yet.






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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
but I told him I need words of affirmation. He'll do it for a day and then back to wanting me to just know how much he loves me
Keep asking for words of affirmation. And when something makes you feel good, remember to bring it up (later or the next day) and say "I loved it when ____".
Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I feel foolish, needy and inadequate like he's "settled" for me. If he always has loved me like he said he did, why did he not end the affair sooner.
My husband had a 12 yr A, and I felt similar at the beginning. Not any more. NO WAY did my H "settle" for me...he fought for me. This MB stuff is HARD WORK! For both spouses!

Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Can anyone help me or is the plan to believe it will get better with just compensation? Sometimes I don't know if I can hang in there that long
You've got it. Just Compensation will heal you. It takes a little bit to learn what you want, and what makes you feel loved. And it takes a bit to learn what each of you feel as lovebusters.

One thing that helped me immensely is learning to complain about anything that bothered me. It only takes "I felt sad when you did ____". I had to learn to stop being tempted to explain why it bothered me. Who cares? It does!

Are you actively working the MB program now? Are you both working each day to make a better marriage? Are you both listening to the radio show each day?

After a bit of work and once you see changed behavior (not words) in your husband, then you will begin to realize that he IS fighting to make your marriage better than ever. We were major babies at this (after 35 years of marriage). If we can do it, so can you! smile


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What do you think??? Obviously I feel the OW Has not been held accountable along with my husband. I have exposed her to the local chapter, but I also wanted her to be held accountable by the National organization. Opinions on my letter? I have exposed my husband to everyone--children, parents- mine and his, family and friends on both sides and family priest.






July 30, 2916

Dear Sir:

Part of the mission statement of CCIM says to "promote the highest ethical standards in commercial real estate".

My question to the CCIM community is thisy: Is a CCIM member exhibiting their highest ethical standard when they choose to have a sexual affair with a KNOWINGLY married client as they are showing and trying to sell them commercial property especially when they are in a Leadership role. Xxxxx is PRESIDENT of the Xxxx Chapter of CCIM.

Xxxxxxx, president of the Xxxxxx chapter has had an 8 year affair with my husband. Perhaps, you may ask yourself how is this relevant ? She agreed to the Code of Ethics of CCIM , an esteemed association. Should she be in a Leadership role when she disgraces her office as she has a sexual affair with a client. I think that statement deserves some thoughtful action by the National Board of Directors. I respectfully request to be included in whatever decisionyou make.

I thank you for your attention to this matter.


With the utmost respect,


Xxxxxxxxx

Questions: call me at Xxxxxxxx

Last edited by Bikerwife; 07/31/16 06:25 PM.

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I think thats a great idea!


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I have a question. D day number two is only nine days ago. My husband seemed to be very sorry for hurting me, but truly I thought he was really sorry after DDay number one also. Sometimes, I cannot read my gut.

I really have tried my best to not love bust and to be very respectful. Today, he told me what a wonderful wife and grandmother I am. I said thank you, but in my head I was really pissed. How can he possibly mean those things when nine days earlier he was with her. Although I want to believe him and maybe someday I will, I just feel like I'm being conned. I would prefer for him not to say those lovely words becaususe I don't believe him yet. How can he possibly be out of withdrawal already? I am so scared of him. I I feel like we're following extraordinary precaution and I have a lot of snooping devices in place that he knows nothing about. But I am scared of trusting him.

Do you feel he's conning me? Is it possible at all that since he hasn't had sex with her in these past five years that she could have emptied She is love bank and he was seeing her more out of habit and passion and lust or am I just wishful thinking?


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BW, it will take some time for you to believe anything he says. This won't happen overnight. just stick to the plan and don't torture yourself. His recent actions completely defy his words but he is engaging in new actions so your level of trust will change over time.

Go by his actions, not his words.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Today, he told me what a wonderful wife and grandmother I am. I said thank you, but in my head I was really pissed. How can he possibly mean those things when nine days earlier he was with her. Although I want to believe him and maybe someday I will, I just feel like I'm being conned. I would prefer for him not to say those lovely words becaususe I don't believe him yet. How can he possibly be out of withdrawal already? I am so scared of him.

Your reactions are completely rational. If you fell off a ladder would you run back up again two minutes later? Your brain is telling you to take care. He may not be out of withdrawal, men are different from us and can compartmentalise. Women can generally only love one person at a time. Men can love the one they are with.

Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I feel like we're following extraordinary precaution and I have a lot of snooping devices in place that he knows nothing about. But I am scared of trusting him.

Of course you are scared now, you have been stabbed through the heart. But the more you snoop and find nothing the less scared you will be.

Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Do you feel he's conning me? Is it possible at all that since he hasn't had sex with her in these past five years that she could have emptied She is love bank and he was seeing her more out of habit and passion and lust or am I just wishful thinking?


That's wishful thinking. My mother had an emotional affair for 30 years. They can last longer than physical affairs because they do not burn out so easily.


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Your job now is to keep up with all of your snooping. Each time that you listen to the VAR recordings and hear nothing to worry about, YOU will feel a little bit safer.

This is still so fresh for you, but try your best to stop thinking about the whys or the hows. I did it too, for a very long time...and it only made me feel worse. Do your best to focus on today and tomorrow.




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I don't want to have so much hate in my heart. Even though my husband did such hurtful things for nine years, because I do love him, I do think that we may someday be able to recover.

Truthfully, every morning When I wake up the other woman pops into my head and I actually have so much dislike and pray at the Karma bus it's her heart. That may or may not happen. I will never know if she even suffers as a result of the exposure that I have done.

My question is how do I keep my head from wishing bad things to happen to her? When I confronted her nine days ago, she just kind of laughed in my face and told me that's my problem.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
My question is how do I keep my head from wishing bad things to happen to her? When I confronted her nine days ago, she just kind of laughed in my face and told me that's my problem.

Isn't that a natural reaction after what she did to you? Actually, she did a very bad thing to herself too, by engaging in nefarious activities that will ruin her reputation. You are helping her face the consequences by exposing her. The hate you feel today will fade with time. She did a horrible thing to you, so it is not surprising you hate her. After awhile that will fade.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Melody,

I'm sorry if this is wrong, but I am obsessed with letting all the individual she is friends with to know about the affair. She is a real estate agent, President of the local chapter of her real estate group. she is the past professional figure skater and a current professional skating coach with 1000 Facebook friends. I have contacted the 150 members of her local chapter where she is president, I have contacted the board of the directors of the national organization of her real estate group. I have contacted the figure skating judges she works with.

I want her to know not to f--- with me. I truly respect your opinion. My husband gave her a hand gun, a shot gun all registered in her name. He gave her the sane gifts as me. I have four granddaughters and I was collecting for Italian Dodo bracelets to give to my granddaughters when I passed away. I hate her. I know that you send those gifts for garbage and I agree but I don't want her to have them. I have expose turn to at least 200 people now. If I Google her name, there are a lot more people that are associated with her that I could expose her to. For the last few days I have asked her to return the gifts that my has been gave her and I would be happy to stop exposing her. She just ignores me I know that the gifts are garbage and I don't plan on keeping them. It would make me happy to throw them in the trash and to know that she doesn't have them. Is this So wrong of me. I hate her for what she's gotten away with for so many years. While for me to want to get some justice? Am I crazy?


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BW, you have been dealing with this skank for 8 years so I can understand your anger, but you can't allow those feelings to push you to do something that is going to harm you. Making threats can come back to bite you. Please stop contacting her and exposing. You have done a thorough job of exposure and now is the time to move onto next steps. The sooner you do that, the sooner your marriage will recover.

Now is the time to change your focus to fixing your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Ok. I will stop exposing and move on.

Thank you. I will try to focus on being a good wife and try not to think of her. It's just been so many years. I am so very tired but I so appreciate all the volunteers on marriage builders that help so many of us floundering. I will start swimming today


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You need to ask your doctor again about ADs.

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I will try to focus on being a good wife and try not to think of her.

Focus also on making sure your husband is a good husband.

Do you guys exchange love busters worksheets?

Has your husband worked through material on good conversation and on affection?

You might fill out Dr. Harley's "marital problem analysis" form and prioritize some things your husband can do to increase your happiness.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4506_mpa.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I will try to focus on being a good wife and try not to think of her.

Focus also on making sure your husband is a good husband.

Amen! Now is the time he needs to bring his "A" game...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I exposed last week and only got one phone call.

However, today, I got an email from a good friend of the OW. I know they were good friends because the OW's facebook page was open to the public although now she has blocked me. This Person that sent the email "liked" many of her posts.

This is the email that she sent me:

[b]Dear BikerWife

"I have received multiple letters and emails from you at different addresses. I have thought about this for a while before reaching out to you. I find the situation quite curious, although I have nothing invested.

I have a question for you. Do you think that damaging someone's else's reputation will fix your personal problems? Is that your motivation? And why?

I do look forward to your response."
[/b]


How do you think I should respond to this person???
I am still hurting a great deal. Its been only 13 days since DDay#2

Thank you for your help. It is comforting that you care and I truly believe in the Marriage Builders philosophy.

BW[i][/i]


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
"I have a question for you. Do you think that damaging someone's else's reputation will fix your personal problems? Is that your motivation? And why?"

Dear friend of OW, thank you for responding. Nothing I do would damage OW's reputation more than her own behavior with my husband. If you are a true friend, you will encourage her to stop doing things that wreck her reputation. Best wishes, Bikerwife


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Thank you, Melody Lane.

You have a wonderful style with words and writing that message to the OW's friend brought a smile to my lips!

BW


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Thank you, Melody Lane.

You have a wonderful style with words and writing that message to the OW's friend brought a smile to my lips!

BW

you are welcome! hug


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Sometimes, I think I'm going crazy and my brain gets confused.

Melody Lane said to me that even if I was meeting my husband's needs 100% there is still a possibility that he could have an affair. Poor boundaries???? and not having extraoridinary precautions in place?

I want to focus on having the best marriage possible, but I still feel that I don't know how t behave. I keep wondering, "WHY"????

What is it that made him risk everything? If you'll recall, he has a sexual affair for many months in 2011. From 2012 til 2 weeks ago, we were in a false recovery. He behaved so convincingly in love with me. We did so many fun things together. After snooping so much and reading on Marriage Builders every day for 5 years, I never found anything or sensed anything in my gut.

He took the polygraph which he passed where there was no sex in the last 5 years and I defined EVERY kind of sex by name and the polygraph examiner said no deception.

I really want to believe him (of course, I am suspicious of everything). Have many methods of snooping that he does not know about, exposed profusely, but still my body is not calm. I have to take anti anxiety meds to try and sleep.

Do I need to wonder this question??? What was he thinking that he would continue to see this woman for 8 years. My gut says he's telling me the truth that he wants to stay together, BUT FOR THE past 5 years I never sensed anything even though I snooped.

How can I know that I am not in another false recovery again???

I know I should just read SAA and listen to what the words in the book say, but I do have a best friend that says something like this: If I don't find the reason he went to her for 8 years, it will happen again. If not with her, someone else.

Help me. I feel like I'm going crazy and cannot trust him. I know that you said in time after much snooping and not finding anything and making the best marriage possible, I will have a good life again. I just don't know how to take it one day at a time. I have so much anxiety and distrust. I can't get over how sneaky he WAS (IS??) and yet I feel like I love "how I thought he was". I am so confused and scared and feel like I'm drowning.

BW



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Bikerwife, I never saw an answer to this. Could you please respond?

Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I will try to focus on being a good wife and try not to think of her.

Focus also on making sure your husband is a good husband.

Do you guys exchange love busters worksheets?

Has your husband worked through material on good conversation and on affection?

You might fill out Dr. Harley's "marital problem analysis" form and prioritize some things your husband can do to increase your happiness.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4506_mpa.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Hi Markos,

After DJ number one about eight months later I found marriage builders and introduced to my husband. I bought the books which I read all cover to cover. I asked my husband to do the same, But he really only read a chapter or 2. We used to carpool to work together and we would listen to marriage builders radio and he was on the show in 2012 Unbeknownst to me it was a faults recovery for the next five years and he came to hate marriage builders because I would read the form every single day and listen to the radio. I surmise that he hated it because it reminded him that he was still having an affair. Now that he appears to be sorrowful, he still doesn't want to do marriage builders with me. What do I do?


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I know I should just read SAA and listen to what the words in the book say, but I do have a best friend that says something like this: If I don't find the reason he went to her for 8 years, it will happen again. If not with her, someone else.

We KNOW the reason. He allowed another woman to meet his needs and he became addicted to her. Since the affair was largely kept secret, it was allowed to linger on. He had the opportunity to see her at his business. The difference now is that you have exposed the affair and run this skank off. BUT, if he continues to have opposite sex friendships and has opportunities, this can happen again.

Does he have opposite sex friendships? Does he have opportunities to have an affair?

Quote
Help me. I feel like I'm going crazy and cannot trust him.

That is not a sign you are "crazy;" it is a sign you are a rational person. you would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person.

Quote
I know that you said in time after much snooping and not finding anything and making the best marriage possible, I will have a good life again. I just don't know how to take it one day at a time. I have so much anxiety and distrust. I can't get over how sneaky he WAS (IS??) and yet I feel like I love "how I thought he was". I am so confused and scared and feel like I'm drowning.

BW

Are you taking care of yourself? I know when I cheat on my diet, I feel extremely anxious. I realize your circumstances have caused this anxiety but are you doing everything in your power to mitigate the damage?


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Hi Markos,

After DJ number one about eight months later I found marriage builders and introduced to my husband. I bought the books which I read all cover to cover. I asked my husband to do the same, But he really only read a chapter or 2. We used to carpool to work together and we would listen to marriage builders radio and he was on the show in 2012 Unbeknownst to me it was a faults recovery for the next five years and he came to hate marriage builders because I would read the form every single day and listen to the radio. I surmise that he hated it because it reminded him that he was still having an affair. Now that he appears to be sorrowful, he still doesn't want to do marriage builders with me. What do I do?

Bikerwife, I would print out for him Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation and ask him to read it. Afterward ask him if he is willing to compensate you for his affair.

If he says no he is not willing to make just compensation for his affair, or if he is unwilling to read the article, I would tell him to hit the road. Dr. Harley says you can't recover with a wayward husband who is unwilling to do the work. You need to heal - you are his victim who is lying there bleeding and if he is not going to do the work to help you then you need to get away from him and get the help you need to heal on your own.

If he says he is willing to make just compensation to you, then tell him that's going to mean doing Marriage Builders and that you expect him to read Surviving an Affair right away and talk to Dr. Harley on his radio show right away. If he balks at this, again, I would tell him to hit the road.

If you have read and listened and been on the forum, then you must know that Dr. Harley says your marriage cannot recover unless he is there repentant hat in hand, ready to do what it takes to heal you.

It's time for you to heal, bikerwife.


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Him hating Marriage Builders is not nearly so much a problem as you hating him because of what he has done to you!

Him saying he hates Marriage Builders means that he hates having to live a life that keeps you safe.

Unless he knocks that crap off really quick this is going to get worse.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Now that he appears to be sorrowful, he still doesn't want to do marriage builders with me. What do I do?

Tell him to hit the road. He is wasting your time if he won't do Marriage Builders with you. Unless he jumps through hoops to recover your marriage, he will destroy your mental health. No wonder you are struggling so badly. Just ending his affair, crying crocodile tears ["sorrowful"] but sitting there like a lump on a log will not save your marriage. He needs to be a SUPERMAN of marriage recovery.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Now that he appears to be sorrowful, he still doesn't want to do marriage builders with me. What do I do?

Tell him to hit the road. He is wasting your time if he won't do Marriage Builders with you. Unless he jumps through hoops to recover your marriage, he will destroy your mental health. No wonder you are struggling so badly. Just ending his affair, crying crocodile tears ["sorrowful"] but sitting there like a lump on a log will not save your marriage. He needs to be a SUPERMAN of marriage recovery.

awesome


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Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600

It's a narrow path, bikerwife. If the program isn't followed by both husband and wife, it doesn't work. There is no way to recover.


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How do I get him onboard without being disrespectful. I truly understand the narrow path. I blew it for the last 5 years by being too scared to expose OW. I want to do it. Help me to get my husband to want to help me to heal


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
How do I get him onboard without being disrespectful. I truly understand the narrow path. I blew it for the last 5 years by being too scared to expose OW. I want to do it. Help me to get my husband to want to help me to heal

bikerwife, here is how to do it without being disrespectful:

Print out for him Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation and ask him to read it. Afterward ask him if he is willing to compensate you for his affair.

If he says no he is not willing to make just compensation for his affair, or if he is unwilling to read the article, I would tell him to hit the road. Dr. Harley says you can't recover with a wayward husband who is unwilling to do the work. You need to heal - you are his victim who is lying there bleeding and if he is not going to do the work to help you then you need to get away from him and get the help you need to heal on your own.

If he says he is willing to make just compensation to you, then tell him that's going to mean doing Marriage Builders and that you expect him to read Surviving an Affair right away and talk to Dr. Harley on his radio show right away. If he balks at this, again, I would tell him to hit the road.

That's how to do it, bikerwife. None of that is disrespectful. Just insistent. You will accept nothing less. This is his last chance to make things right with you after everything he has put you through.

Now for the record when it comes to situations like this when the wife says "how do I avoid being disrespectful?" I have heard Dr. Harley say time after time "I wouldn't worry about that." And I wouldn't worry about it, bikerwife. It is NOT disrespectful to stand up for yourself and for your marriage and say "You have to do this or I can't heal with you."

Bikerwife, I'd like you to briefly read through classic poster Pepperband's story with her husband. Look how she treated her husband about his affair. They recovered, and a big part of the reason why was that Pepperband would accept nothing less from him.

Here it is:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=158318&Number=2293828#Post2293828

And here is Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation. Print it out for your husband:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html


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Frankly, I think Dr. Harley would approve of this five minute Plan A in your situation:



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I feel very confident that Dr. Harley would tell you not to worry about seeming a little bit disrespectful or demanding toward your husband about this, because it's the ONLY THING that is going to work. Waiting and hoping for him to finally follow a program of marital recovery for the last several years hasn't worked. So tell him one last time this is what you need, give him one last chance, and if he won't do it, he needs to hit the road.

Dr. Harley once wrote this about demands - I'm sure he'd feel similar about disrespect in this case:
Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

If your husband will not make just compensation for his affair, what are you going to do? Forgive? Because forgiveness doesn't work...


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Yes. I'm totally on board. Will read the section in SAA and see how to get my husband on board.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Yes. I'm totally on board. Will read the section in SAA and see how to get my husband on board.

Here's the Just Compensation article, bikerwife:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Print it out for your husband and ask him if he is willing to compensate you for his affair.

If he says no he is not willing to make just compensation for his affair, or if he is unwilling to read the article, I would tell him to hit the road. Dr. Harley says you can't recover with a wayward husband who is unwilling to do the work. You need to heal - you are his victim who is lying there bleeding and if he is not going to do the work to help you then you need to get away from him and get the help you need to heal on your own.

If he says he is willing to make just compensation to you, then tell him that's going to mean doing Marriage Builders and that you expect him to read Surviving an Affair right away and talk to Dr. Harley on his radio show right away. If he balks at this, again, I would tell him to hit the road.


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I will print it out to give it to him.

We are leaving to Hawaii for 7 days early Monday morning. Shall I wait til after we return from our vacation? I so much want to recover our marriage. I know he needs to get on board. I'm just scared. I know what I need to do. Can I wait til we have a great time in Hawaii and then give him the printouts?

BW




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In addition to the article about Just Compensation (which is in this thread also) there are some good radio clips in this thread.
What Is Just Compensation?


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I will print it out to give it to him.

We are leaving to Hawaii for 7 days early Monday morning. Shall I wait til after we return from our vacation? I so much want to recover our marriage. I know he needs to get on board. I'm just scared. I know what I need to do. Can I wait til we have a great time in Hawaii and then give him the printouts?

BW

I would go ahead and give it to him now. You have waited long enough.


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Give him the article now. Otherwise, your time in Hawaii will be spent fretting.

Honestly, I think you need to move as a step in Recovery. Part of the reason your husband was able to continue his affair was his proximity to OW.

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So agree. Go tell him NOW. No time like the present to solve problems.


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Ok. I will print out the articles. Read it so it's clear in my mind. Our extraordinary Precautions what gives me just compensation.

I will give him print out tonight. I will listen to the radio clips that brain sent me.


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I understand about the moving part.
It just pains my heart so much as my three children live close by and my five grandchildren I see very often and babysit and they are so supportive of me and I of them.

I will also write Joyce and Dr. Harley today and I know this is a narrow path I'm walking on. It is so much pain to leave my three children and family. I really feel like I've done a really good exposure. She is a realtor, A leader in her professional organizations and judge for athletic events. I have exposed her fellow board members, to fellow judges and to all the general members of association of which she is president. she lives an hour away that I was hoping she would be too scared to ever contact my husband again for fear of me contacting her other thousand friends that she has on Facebook. I have saved the names of those friends on a document in my computer

BW


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Ok. I will print out the articles. Read it so it's clear in my mind. Our extraordinary Precautions what gives me just compensation.

I will give him print out tonight. I will listen to the radio clips that brain sent me.

The EP checklist does not give you full just compensation, that is only the FIRST STEP. The FIRST STEP of affair proofing your marriage will not get you where you need to be. That alone will get you in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage where you NEVER recover. There is more to JC:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
But forgiveness will be much easier after you are convinced that your husband considers your feelings whenever he makes a decision (follows the Policy of Joint Agreement), is completely honest with you about everything (follows the Policy of Radical Honesty), and is meeting your important emotional needs. For you to be convinced, he must not only agree to these changes, but he must also demonstrate his commitment by living them for a while. Forgiveness may still require a bit of generosity on your part, but if he makes these changes, I think you'll be able to handle it. When that happens, the burden of resentment you are carrying will be lifted, and the love you have for each other will be restored..

In other words, he has to learn to successfully meet your needs and follow the basic concepts. He has to effectively strive to create a romantic marriage with. Just ending his affair and sitting there like a lump on a log won't do the trick.


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When he says he doesn't like Marriage Builders, all that says is that he is not committed to recovering your marriage.

He needs to commit fully to learning and enacting these concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html


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Just Compensation in a Nutshell:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...


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Melody,

You asked if he has opposite sex friendships and does he have the opportunity to have an affair.

No, we only have "friends that we do things together as a couple". We go country western dance every Friday night together and may go out to dinner with a married group of 10 (5 couples). Sometimes, we play cards and sometimes we may go jetskiing for the weekenend.

When the affair first started approximately 8 years ago, he "lost his business" and was "working at the house". It is a big piece of property and he started caring for it, in addition to driving me and picking me up from work. I am a dentist and he would take care of all my equipment. This is how he managed to keep things hidden from me for so long.

8 Months ago, I retired---I had childhood heart issues and needed my second open heart surgery. Now, we spend all our time together. I have so many snooping devices now unbeknownst to him. I've done exposure, to MANY people on his and her side.

We do a lot of fun things together and now, he tells me when he's going to "Home Depot" and if he decides to also stop somewhere else, he'll call me and tell me where else he is stopping.

Right now I am printing out "Basic Concepts" and "just Compensation" to give to him.

BW


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"We do a lot of fun things together and now, he tells me when he's going to "Home Depot" and if he decides to also stop somewhere else, he'll call me and tell me where else he is stopp"

So his opportunity is when he goes to Home Depot and other places. That is a loophole I would close. That gives him plenty of opportunity to reach out to the OW.

It sounds like you have the foundation now to save your marriage, but only IF he commits 1000% to Marriage Builders. That is not negotiable.


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"Right now I am printing out "Basic Concepts" and "just Compensation" to give to him."

I would let him know it will take a 1000% commitment to this program to recover your marriage. Otherwise this is hopeless. He will have to go through all the lessons with you chapter by chapter. Is he willing to do that?


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Good Morning,

Thank you Markos, Priscilla and Melody. Every Sunday we go to Mass at 7am so while we were getting ready for church, I asked him if he could set aside a couple of hours to talk about our future. He agreed. I made breakfast after church and then we went into the bedroom.

I had printed out the Basic Concepts and the 3 letters on Just Compensation and Cant we just Forgive and Forget.

We have agreed to spend 2 hours every Sunday after Church while we are inspired and not tired from work to take turns reading aloud for one hour, and then spend the other in discussion.

You were right. I feel better that I did this today instead of being nervous the whole time we are in vacation.

My stomach feels better this morning, but sometimes in our discussion he is very honest and says something about the OW and it hurts me to the core. I try not to cry because I want him to feel comfortable as we discuss SAA, chapter by chapter.
For instance, today he told me that although he had no sex with the OW for the last 5 years, he was "still trying to get her back". I know that I've read that men compartmentalize and can love 2 women at the same time, it hurts me to the depths of my soul.

Anyway, I still plan on sending the letter to MB Radio about "moving away".

Thank you for your advice. It lifts me up especially when I have sad hours. I'm up, I'm down and very tired of all of this.

BW


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
We have agreed to spend 2 hours every Sunday after Church while we are inspired and not tired from work to take turns reading aloud for one hour, and then spend the other in discussion.

It makes me so very relieved and happy that you are able to execute a plan despite the raw emotions. I know this is very hard for you, but the rewards will be GREAT. I would make this your motto:

Quote
If you're going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

That simple one liner has saved me through my darkest times. It will save you too.

Quote
My stomach feels better this morning, but sometimes in our discussion he is very honest and says something about the OW and it hurts me to the core. I try not to cry because I want him to feel comfortable as we discuss SAA, chapter by chapter.

Go to him today and make an agreement to never bring her up again. Neither one of you should bring her up again. Will you agree to this?

Quote
For instance, today he told me that although he had no sex with the OW for the last 5 years, he was "still trying to get her back". I know that I've read that men compartmentalize and can love 2 women at the same time, it hurts me to the depths of my soul.

Please take all this toxic energy and self defeating thoughts and aim it towards building a romantic, passionate marriage with your husband. You are comparing yourself to a skanky hoe and you will win every time. By the time you get through this program, he will be chasing you instead of a fantasy relationship with a hoe.

Quote
Thank you for your advice. It lifts me up especially when I have sad hours. I'm up, I'm down and very tired of all of this.

We understand completely, and I want to ASSURE you that you are on the right path.

Have you considered signing up for the MB online program? My H and I went through it in 2007 and it is a wonderful program. It costs around $1000 now, and takes a year to complete. They send you all the books, workbooks and DVDs as part of the program. They assign you a coach who gives you weekly lessons followed by a survey test to make sure you understand the concepts. The coach and Dr Harley oversee your progress and will get you back on track if you fall off. My H and I would have never made it on our own. Some people can do it on their own, we were not able and their guidance made an amazing difference.


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Melody, thank you for your words of encouragement.

Question : As i've written before, for the last five years my husband and I have listen to marriage builders radio and I have been on the marriage builders website almost every day of the last five years. After our discussion this morning we had a very calm conversation where I sensually shared with him that it was just compensation an extraordinary precautions and the reading of SAA Or we wouldn't be able to move forward. This was scary for me, But I followed through.

We can come up with $1000 for the online program. In the past, I have always been very assertive especially in running my business. I don't want him to keep feeling that it is my way or the highway. I completely understand that if he wasn't willing to commit to doctot
Harleys plan it had to be the highway.

Everything terrifies me. So now the question is when should I present the online program to him. After our vacation? Can I start the online program by myself and then talk with a coach? Please give me your advice


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When I say, that everything terrifies me, it's because my husband is being kind and understanding. I don't think I'm being conned, but after having had a false recovery for five years, i'm always nervous and wondering if he really means it when he says he loves me and that I'm wonderful. I never say disrespectful things to him, but in my mind, I say: "Sure, but you said the same thing five years ago ".


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
We can come up with $1000 for the online program. In the past, I have always been very assertive especially in running my business. I don't want him to keep feeling that it is my way or the highway. I completely understand that if he wasn't willing to commit to doctot
Harleys plan it had to be the highway.

Everything terrifies me. So now the question is when should I present the online program to him. After our vacation? Can I start the online program by myself and then talk with a coach? Please give me your advice

I would discuss it with him today. You have to enter the online program together. This program will be the ultimate in holding you both accountable and teaching you the program. I know you have been reading here for years, but you all have not been using this program and it is obvious you weren't able to pull it off on your own. My H and I were not either.

I would present it to him like this: "I want us to have a romantic, passionate, affair proofed marriage and we can't afford to make any more mistakes. I think we need to admit we need professional help and sign up for their MB coaching program to help us. If we are committed to making this work, I want to make sure we get the most out of our efforts. I want to move on from this and I am convinced this is the best way to do that. The faster we are in a great marriage, the sooner the terrible past is forgotten."

Everything I said above is absolutely true. The Harley staff would make sure you are on the right track and would help you navigate the pitfalls. This is what they did for us.

I am sure your husband wants to move forward and leave this behind him as much as you do. So it is in his best interest to enter a program that will help you do exactly that as quickly as possible.


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I had been on this board floundering around in my marriage for 6 years before we went through the program. On the FIRST DAY, they identified that my own independent behavior and my H's angry outbursts were a huge problem. Our marriage was sinking even tho I had been here for all these years. The reason is that we were cutting corners and didn't really understand the program. We went through HELL the first few months of the program because our habits were so bad that there was no way we could have maintained a marriage unless those behaviors were identified and rooted out.

Dr Harley and our coach helped us weed out these bad behaviors. We could have never done it on our own because there was so much we didn't even know we were doing wrong.

Your situation is so critical that I wouldn't take any chances with it. If you have the ability to get into the program, you should do it. It is worth every damn penny and more. I am so thankful that we went through the program.


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Just So other readers know, The reason the OW's Address never showed up on location services as a frequent location that he visited was because he would always turn his phone off when he visited her.

The outdoor shooting range that we go to doesn't have good cell service. He knew that so when he did go to visit her he would just tell me he was in a location with poor cellular service.

Now, he tells me every where he is going and amazingly there aren't hardly any times where the find my friends app cannot find him


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Just So other readers know, The reason the OW's Address never showed up on location services as a frequent location that he visited was because he would always turn his phone off when he visited her.

The outdoor shooting range that we go to doesn't have good cell service. He knew that so when he did go to visit her he would just tell me he was in a location with poor cellular service.

Now, he tells me every where he is going and amazingly there aren't hardly any times where the find my friends app cannot find him

Thanks for that feedback! Just a suggestion. I would get a good GPS on him that he can't detect. Do you have spyware on everything? I cant remember.


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I have a GPS and a VAR on the two cars that he drives. I have location services turned on to his iPhone. My son programmed something so all of the messages that he sends and receives go to my computer. I do not have other spyware on phone or computer. What should I buy? What else shall I do? I do have his password for his computer, his phone


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I have a GPS and a VAR on the two cars that he drives. I have location services turned on to his iPhone. My son programmed something so all of the messages that he sends and receives go to my computer. I do not have other spyware on phone or computer. What should I buy? What else shall I do? I do have his password for his computer, his phone

I would get webwatcher on his computer and his phone. I am not familiar with the phone version but the computer version is very good and is not hard to install. Another lady here had problems installing it and she called and they walked her through it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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We left three days ago to go on a seven day vacation to Hawaii. When I return I will put web watcher on both his phone and computer without telling him. I have all of his passwords.

While we were on the beach and he was taking a nap, I listened to MB radio on headsets. The caller's story (I think her name was Terry. Her husband sounded so much like mine). During this trip, my husband has been very romantic and I have not brought up the OW, but I have asked him to think about how he may feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Today Dr. Harley told Terry that it is possible for a man to love two women at the same time. I just don't know how I am going to be able to get over his Affair. It lasted so long and he told me lies throughout the years, that I find it so difficult to believe anything he says now and to allow myself to have a good time when he says something romantic.

He said he will do whatever it takes to recover our marriage so we're going to do the online program with the accountability coach, but even with this, I am still scared of his past sneakiness and sometimes wonder why do I feel so much love for a man that treats me like this.

It is hard to be on vacation and enjoy myself with all these thoughts going through my head.

BW


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
During this trip, my husband has been very romantic and I have not brought up the OW, but I have asked him to think about how he may feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Stop talking about the affair, Bikerwife!! This does not help anything. It just keeps it front of mind for you both and makes your relationship an unpleasant place.

Quote
Today Dr. Harley told Terry that it is possible for a man to love two women at the same time. I just don't know how I am going to be able to get over his Affair. It lasted so long and he told me lies throughout the years, that I find it so difficult to believe anything he says now and to allow myself to have a good time when he says something romantic.

I know it feels that way today, but it wont' feel that way in the future if you stick with this.

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He said he will do whatever it takes to recover our marriage so we're going to do the online program with the accountability coach, but even with this, I am still scared of his past sneakiness and sometimes wonder why do I feel so much love for a man that treats me like this.

You won't be so scared of sneakiness when you have spyware on everything!

Try and have a good time. You are on the right path to a great marriage. It will get better, I promise!


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Today is day 5 of our vacation. For the past 48 hours,I have not discussed my husband's affair. HOWEVER, I think about it all the time. Yes, he is relatively nice. Seems like HE'S having a great vacation, but I'm still hurting. Why doesn't he think about how I might be feeling. It seems that I'm REALLY trying hard on having a wonderful marriage. He does seem to be trying but I certainly don't feel he's trying as hard as me. How can I be less disrespectful. He has lied to me so much. I just don't know how to forget his previous behavior. I also keep thinking of the OW and don't feel she has suffered enough for the 8 years of torture she has put me through. I just don't know how to move forward to restore a passionate caring marriage. He's offended me so much I feel so much resentment

BW


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The longer you go without talking about it, the sooner you will stop thinking about it. Is he doing a great job of meeting your needs? As long as your marriage is in full recovery mode, your pain will fade with time.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
He said he will do whatever it takes to recover our marriage so we're going to do the online program with the accountability coach,

Bikerwife, I'm so glad to hear he is willing to do this. If he will follow the recommendations of Dr. Harley and his coaches, this is what will enable you to feel better.

It's no wonder you don't feel better now, and I wouldn't expect to. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you to enjoy the vacation. I promise you that if your husband will follow the program you will feel better. For your part just stick to what you know you need to do.

Has you husband looked at any of the Marriage Builders books, yet? I think he needs to get started.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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After DDay#1, it took me about six months to find marriage builders. He's read parts of SAA. We used to read a devotional every morning before starting our day. We used to carpool together and listen to Marriage Builders radio.

I didn't realize I was in a false recovery so none of Dr Harley's material penetrated. Is that being disrespectful or being honest that nothing works until an affair is over. We get back late Monday and I will put Webwatcher on phone and computer as Melody suggested.

He has agreed to either Accountability online program and read SAA. How much time a week do you think is fair of me to ask him to work on our marriage. He doesn't really read books. Should we listen to SAA on audio together and discuss??

We are Catholic. We went to Mass this morning and it makes me so sad that we had this false recovery for 5 years in addition to the 3 years he was with her prior to DDay #1. How do I get these thoughts out of my head?

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
He doesn't really read books.

I think it's time for him to read a book.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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BW, what has your husband done for you today to meet your needs? What has he done today that felt kind and loving for you?

Focus on those things. Focus on the beauty of your surroundings.

Yes, get those snoop tools installed right away because they will help YOU to heal and feel some security, which will also help you to focus on the present.

With time and with working this program, you WILL stop hurting and begin to feel yourself again.


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Our vacation is over. We had a good time, relatively. I'm starting to have anxiety. I will sign up for the online coaching tomorrow. If it was up to me he would have read the book, SAA already. He has agreed to do two hours of reading the book and discussion every Sunday. It Doesn't seem fast enough for me. He is being transparent. Is it fair for me to ask him to read the book and a faster pace?


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Our vacation is over. We had a good time, relatively. I'm starting to have anxiety. I will sign up for the online coaching tomorrow. If it was up to me he would have read the book, SAA already. He has agreed to do two hours of reading the book and discussion every Sunday. It Doesn't seem fast enough for me. He is being transparent. Is it fair for me to ask him to read the book and a faster pace?

Why don't you let your MB coach drive the boat? Let her assign the lessons and that way you don't have to push him.


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I just got home from vacation and there was a certified letter waiting for me from the OW's attorney. The attorney says that I made false statement that the other woman was having an affair.

The letter says that I am to immediately sis and deceased these communications and that they demand that I am mediately send a written retraction of each and every correspondence that I sent and provide proof of the same. It continues to say that these actions, taken immediately by me, will mitigate, though not eliminate, The monetary damages award that they will obtain against me should this matter proceed to a court judgment. The letter says that if they do not hear from me within two weeks they will bring suit against me before the Superior Court.

Should I take this correspondence to an attorney? My bet is that this attorney happens to be a friend of hers and is trying to scare me. For the last five years, my husband has had an emotional affair with her.


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I did not tell my husband about the exposure letter I sent to the other woman's colleagues Facebook friends


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I also did NOT tell him about the letter from the attorney. Should I?


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BW, I would tell your husband and I would also visit an attorney. It is very likely it is just a "scare" letter and they will do nothing. The OW stands to lose the most if this goes any further because then her affair will really be exposed!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I just got home from vacation and there was a certified letter waiting for me from the OW's attorney. The attorney says that I made false statement that the other woman was having an affair.

The letter says that I am to immediately sis and deceased these communications and that they demand that I am mediately send a written retraction of each and every correspondence that I sent and provide proof of the same. It continues to say that these actions, taken immediately by me, will mitigate, though not eliminate, The monetary damages award that they will obtain against me should this matter proceed to a court judgment. The letter says that if they do not hear from me within two weeks they will bring suit against me before the Superior Court.

Should I take this correspondence to an attorney? My bet is that this attorney happens to be a friend of hers and is trying to scare me. For the last five years, my husband has had an emotional affair with her.

I would take it seriously. Tell your husband about the letter. Find out if he is willing to testify about the affair just in case (and that's the very minimum he could do).

Then go to attorney who could prepare a response stating that if the case goes to court, you will provide a witness who will testify that he had an affair with OW and you will claim moral damage compensation from OW.


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See an attorney, but if OW wants to protect her reputation, she will move on. She does not look good on this scenario and will not want the details of her affair with your husband to become a part of the court's records.

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I signed up for the accountability online program with Dr Harley today. He wants us to fill out 2 surveys individually. I turned mine in. Husband will do his soon.

I told husband that I exposed to OW's employer and coworkers. I am NOT writing a retraction of what I said on the exposure letter. Her attorney's letter was dated August 5 and sent to me certified mail. And the attorney gave me until August 19 to ride a retraction or threatened to file in the Superior Court. I thought I would just wait and see if they file and then at that time hire an attorney if they do file. I am sure my husband would testify if need be, as it is his money also that she is suing for. What do you think. Her lawyer seems to Question of The eight year affair. I think in an affair is an affair Cording to the poly graph it was only sexual for maybe eight months


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I signed up for the accountability online program with Dr Harley today. He wants us to fill out 2 surveys individually. I turned mine in. Husband will do his soon.

I told husband that I exposed to OW's employer and coworkers. I am NOT writing a retraction of what I said on the exposure letter. Her attorney's letter was dated August 5 and sent to me certified mail. And the attorney gave me until August 19 to ride a retraction or threatened to file in the Superior Court. I thought I would just wait and see if they file and then at that time hire an attorney if they do file. I am sure my husband would testify if need be, as it is his money also that she is suing for. What do you think. Her lawyer seems to Question of The eight year affair. I think in an affair is an affair Cording to the poly graph it was only sexual for maybe eight months

An affair is an affair. So what did your husband say when you told him?
Good for you signing up for the program!! It will make a world of difference.


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My husband didn't seem upset. He seemed to accept it as being a consequence of their actions. I told him what I said in the short note was the truth and I would not "retract" anything as requested by her attorney. My husband didn't think she could afford an attorney unless he took the case on contingency. Do you think I shouldn't see an attorney unless her attorney files and I'm served???

I'm looking forward to doing The online program as I feel sad every morning. I feel so terribly needy. Normally, I'm a fairly confident personally and professionally but now I feel so unloved where my husband seems to be fine.


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I'm feeling terrible. My husband wasn't enthusiastic about doing the online accountability program. I knew he didn't want to do it and certainly wouldn't want to do it if it was $995. We can afford it, so I told him it was $295. Today, we filled out the surveys and were ready to start. We had been getting along well so I wanted to start on the radically honest foot. I told him the correct fee. He said I was a liar and didn't want to do the program. After a while, he relented and said he would do it, "but he didn't want to make a career out of this recovery".

I know if I read this happen to someone else's marriage, I would think that the husband just doesn't care about them and they should just give it up.

I feel very badly as I do want my marriage to succeed, but it doesn't always seem that he really means it when he says he wants to work on our marriage.

I sent a letter to Dr. Harley and Joyce, but can someone help me out tonight. I feel so badly and am struggling as to why I want this marriage so badly as I feel that I'm putting in most of the effort. He seems to think that I am so pushy and to let things work themselves out. Please help.


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
After a while, he relented and said he would do it, "but he didn't want to make a career out of this recovery".

Does he want to make a "career" out of being married to you? Because if not, you are wasting your time. After all, it is his rotten affair that damaged your marriage so terribly that it will take a MAJOR CAREER to get it out of the ditch. He has to be willing to go any lengths to repair the damage he did. He is damn lucky you are even willing to try.

He had better step up to the plate in a huge way if he wants to keep you as a wife.


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Bikerwife, you know we all advocate radical honesty with your husband here.

So don't try to deceive him to get him to do the program, and don't try to trick him into doing the program. Instead, be radically honest and tell him "This is what it will take to keep me in our marriage." After that, don't put up with any debate from him about it - if he doesn't want to do that, no problem, he just can't keep you, right?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by markos
Bikerwife, you know we all advocate radical honesty with your husband here.

So don't try to deceive him to get him to do the program, and don't try to trick him into doing the program. Instead, be radically honest and tell him "This is what it will take to keep me in our marriage." After that, don't put up with any debate from him about it - if he doesn't want to do that, no problem, he just can't keep you, right?

Like this, Bikerwife:



If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Thank you for reaching out yesterday.

I sent a letter to Joyce and Dr. Harley. I will be on the radio show on Monday.
They asked me to invite my husband to be on the show. I will be sharing the letter I wrote to the Harleys with my husband. If he doesn't agree to do the show, I'm hoping he will at least, he will write an email stating his position.

We are starting the Accountability program this weekend after I told him, as suggested, that this is what its going to take to keep me in the marriage, he agreed to do it.

Tomorrow is the day that the OW's attorney said he was going to file a claim against me for libel if he didn't hear from me. I didn't contact an attorney yet as I'm waiting to see if they are just trying to scare me.

I wish I were stronger. Every step of the way I'm scared to rock the boat, but after so many years of reading on Marriage Builders, I know that Dr. Harley's way is the right way to build passion in my marriage again. Thank you for pushing me and helping me walk in the right direction. Every day is a struggle wondering if my husband is going to be walking beside me. I know MB is the only hope I have.

BW


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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
I wish I were stronger. Every step of the way I'm scared to rock the boat, but after so many years of reading on Marriage Builders, I know that Dr. Harley's way is the right way to build passion in my marriage again. Thank you for pushing me and helping me walk in the right direction. Every day is a struggle wondering if my husband is going to be walking beside me. I know MB is the only hope I have.

BW

You are doing a great job! I promise you it will get better, my friend. hug


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I was on the radio show today. How can I record it so I can relisten to it in the future.

Thanks,

BW


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Bikerwife, usually BrainHurts will post it to your thread if you ask. It takes a couple of weeks.
You could also play it and record using a record app on your cell phone.
Another idea is to play it and record it with a VAR.
From reading your thread, the $50 to sign up for the archives is doable and pennies for the much needed education. This is the route I would go in your shoes.

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Thanks for the info, Didn't Quit.

Question: I am trying to live in the present and quit bringing up the affair. My husband took a lie detector test which he passed. He admitted keeping momentos, but didn't necessarily know where in the closet he hid them. In my snooping, I found jewelry boxes from the store he bought the same gift for me and her! He had already admitted this to me. They were just empty boxes. Can I just throw things away that he has hidden away and just not bring it up with him that I found them. Of course, it may me feel like crap, but I didn't bring it up to him.


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Yes, just toss them. I threw out lots of things, some of which may not have had anything to do with the affair. Remove things that will trigger you. If empty boxes trigger you, throw them out.

The longer you can go without talking about the affair, the sooner it will be that you stop thinking about it so often.

AM


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agree with armymama, just throw the trash away! Am listening to your show right now. love your yankee accent!! grin


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Did your husband listen to the show? What did he think of Dr Harley's offer to refund your money for his program?


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Thank you for your words of wisdom Melani thank you for your words of wisdom, Melody. My husband and I listen to the marriage builders radio together. He definitely wants to do the program but he just doesn't like being pushed. Just like Dr. Harley set on the show, I'm a type a personality and my husbands mellow type set on the show, I'm a type a personality and my husbands mellow type day B. If it was up to me, I could have listened to the 8 1/2 program in one day. He's not that way. Dr. Harley said on the one that needs to get mellow. That's hard for me I feel that my husband doesn't like it when I'm type a in certain aspects of our relationship, but in others it irritates him, so it's confusing as to when I need to be mellow and when I can follow my personality trait.

He says to me that he wants to do the program bed at a more relaxed pace. He says to me that he wants to do the program that at a more relaxed pace. I would rather work on it every day. I'm going to follow his lead and then get back to Dr. Harley as to how it's going.

Thank you, as always, I really don't have anyone that understands what I'm going through at home or in my social circles so I feel so isolated.


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I have your show on my list and as soon as it hits the archives I will post it.


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you, Brainy


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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Sorry for all the typos on last night message response to Melody. I dictated to "siri" from my iphone and she makes so many mistakes and I didn't reread before I submitted.

Yesterday, my husband spent a lot of the morning and early afternoon taking his 89 year old mom for doctor's visit (treadmill, EKG) and grocery shopping for her in preparation for upcoming knee surgery.

We sat down and listen to my MB show. In the evening after we made dinner together, he was tired but we did have a discussion about initiating the online accountability program. Our coach said ideally we should to the 8 - 9 hour program in 2 to 3 days. Today is day 4. The discussion yesterday was that he wanted to initiate when to set aside during the day. Last night he suggested early in the morning before we have an errand that we need to do together at 9 am. It's 6:30. I have been up doing my chores before he gets up so we can get to it.

Im scared and frustrated because he doesn't initiate. I'll give him the chance to see if he talks about it this morning and we do it. Why do WS not do more? He seems to think we are "just fine" because he has promised "its over" with the OW.

BW


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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Originally Posted by Bikerwife
Dr. Harley said on the one that needs to get mellow. That's hard for me I feel that my husband doesn't like it when I'm type a in certain aspects of our relationship, but in others it irritates him, so it's confusing as to when I need to be mellow and when I can follow my personality trait.

I am a type a personality too and my husband is an introvert, but I don't boss my husband around. We have a completely equal relationship. You can do this too just by diligently following this program, especially the POJA.

Quote
He says to me that he wants to do the program bed at a more relaxed pace. He says to me that he wants to do the program that at a more relaxed pace. I would rather work on it every day. I'm going to follow his lead and then get back to Dr. Harley as to how it's going.

You can let your COACH do the leading. Better for her and Dr Harley to lead the charge than you.

Quote
Thank you, as always, I really don't have anyone that understands what I'm going through at home or in my social circles so I feel so isolated.

You are very welcome!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody type A? Nah, no way.

Triple A.

ROTFALMAO rotflmao

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Melody type A? Nah, no way.

Triple A.

ROTFALMAO rotflmao


awesome


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'll be glad when the coach gets to coach both of us, but we need to get thru the Marriage Builders seminar lessons first.

But, you are exactly right, I am super on top of things. Its compulsive for me. I will have to watch myself very carefully. I used to think that my husband was happy with our division of labor. At the things, he is better than I, he would do those and I would do what I am better at. I realize now that we need to POJA about everything.

He did wake up this morning. We listened to Dr. Harley for one hour. I printed out the questionairre pertaining to the lesson. He will fill them out during the day and he said this evening we could discuss the questionairre and listen to another lesson. I agreed that was a good idea (although in my head, I wanted to listen to another lesson).

Thanks for the help in changing my behavior to build a good marriage. Hopefully, his actions will make me feel safe that he will follow the coach's suggestion to walk the narrow path.

BW


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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What did he think about your call with Dr Harley?

And you can tell him I said this: he stands to benefit the MOST out of this program. My H is very, very happy we used this program. We make all decisions together and have a very romantic marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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A couple of weeks before D Day #2, I invited my brother to move in with me as he was very depressed. His wife of 29 years had told him she wanted a divorce and moved directly from their home into the boyfriend's home.

The police just called me us and said they found him dead with a self inflicted gun shot wound. He was in so much pain and I tried to help him, but he lost hope when his wife told him today that even if she letf her boyfriend, she was not coming back to him. My brother was a good person, just didn't understand or even know the principles of Dr. Harley. He just kept telling me he wished he would have just known about Dr. Harley's principles 3 months ago. Anyway, he gave up hope.

I'm so sad on top of the sadness I already had with my own marriage.

BW


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
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I'm so sorry. There are no words.


Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
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I'm so sorry Bikerwife.

hug



Are you on antidepressants? If not, Dr.H would say that you should probably try them as an emotional buffer during this rough time.

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oh Bikerwife, I am so sorry. I just said a prayer for you and will say more throughout the day. HUGS!!!


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
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I am so sorry to hear this news. Hugs and prayers for you.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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My deepest condolences, Bikerwife.


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Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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My heart is broken for you, Bikerwife. Im so sorry for your loss.

Forgive me if Im overstepping- but if this is the same person, a friend of mine was one of his algebra students several years ago, and she has nothing but wonderful things to say about him. It seems like he was truly loved by his students in every way, and he will be missed deeply.

Last edited by Woundednotbroken; 08/24/16 10:27 AM.

BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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Oh, Bikerswife
hug
Prayers are with you.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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I am so sorry for him and so sorry that you are going through this. frown


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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