Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2884873 07/27/16 11:27 AM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
K
KQ2 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
Hi,

I have an unusual situation where my husband had an affair with his oldest daughter's mother many years ago. I have requested that he no longer have contact with her, and for the most part he has not, but he has, in the past broken this promise. This week the OW came to my home while I was not there, nor was he, to pick up a dresser for his daughter. I requested prior to this event that the OW not come to my home, but alas he did not stop this event because he has never been honest with his daughter about the affair with her mother, and they came to pick the dresser up at my home yesterday.

I foresee having to have contact with this woman as an on-going event due to future situations i.e. marriage of the daughter ect.

What is reasonable in terms of contact between my husband the mother of his oldest child (OW)? It was a terrible affair because it occurred while we were dating, and I found out four months after we were married. Had I known anything of this affair, I would have never married him. We have continuously struggled for the last eight yrs because of his behavior - emotionally abusive to me over my struggles to deal with this nightmarish event which involved extreme levels of lying, financial issues, the list goes on...abuse language...ugh.

Any thoughts? We've separated, tried to work this out, tried to even divorce...it's crazy. After eight yrs it still feels like it happened yesterday because I am constantly exposed to situations like I described above. Am I being resistant to healing or is the situation really that bad? My thought is that if my husband really wants this marriage that he will no longer engage in any behaviors that keep digging up the pain from his affair and deceit.

Thanks for any advice.


Last edited by KQ2; 07/27/16 11:30 AM.
KQ2 #2884877 07/27/16 11:42 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Why does she have a key to your house?

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Have you read about Plan A and Plan B? Do you have children? Why did you remain married when you discovered the affair?

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
K
KQ2 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
No key to my house. We left the dresser outside the house.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
K
KQ2 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
Yes I have read Plan A and B. I have done both. We just moved back in together after an 18 month separation with the goal of me healing from the affair and him working out his issues. I was able to heal as long as I did not have have much interaction with him, but now that he is back and I am exposed to situations like the one listed above much of the pain and the scars are reopened.

We do not have any children.

I stayed because we had an incredible relationship in our first year, but after that it has been a constant struggle...2008 to present. I also stayed because through all my praying I've never felt led to leave. Perhaps I need to start opening my eyes and seeing instead of feeling.

KQ2 #2884882 07/27/16 12:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi KQ2, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You can recover, but you are going to have to cut the OW out of your lives completely and you will have to adopt the policy of joint agreement. If he won't adopt the policy of joint agreement, never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse, then I give this very little hope.

I would start by reading the Policy of Joint Agreement here followed by the book, Surviving an Affair.

Quote
We just moved back in together after an 18 month separation with the goal of me healing from the affair and him working out his issues.

What is the "issue" he has to work out?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


KQ2 #2884883 07/27/16 12:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by KQ2
I have requested that he no longer have contact with her, and for the most part he has not, but he has, in the past broken this promise. This week the OW came to my home while I was not there, nor was he, to pick up a dresser for his daughter. I requested prior to this event that the OW not come to my home, but alas he did not stop this event because he has never been honest with his daughter about the affair with her mother, and they came to pick the dresser up at my home yesterday.

It seems your husband is not willing to protect you here, which means nothing has changed and you will never recover. That is pretty flagrant and callous that he would allow the OW to come to your home.

Someone who is this callous and uncaring is probably callous and uncaring in many other areas. Would this be true?

Quote
he has never been honest with his daughter about the affair with her mother,

Which is another reason that affairs should never be kept secret. The daughter should be told by you. Everyone should know. The more people who know, the more people to hold your husband and the OW accountable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
K
KQ2 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
His issues are his anger...at himself for having an affair and taking that anger out on me. He claims I'm his only outlet...believe me I've told him to find another outlet. Also I was very clear that he had to "be nice to me". Because he sees me as a very strong person, he believes I can handle his behavior. During our separation he would beg to get back together and my response was always the same, you need to understand and have compassion for me as I try to heal from this devastating event and be nice to me - no explosive behaviors, no longer attack my character ect...

For the most part the OW is out of our lives except the problem is that he shares a child with her. She was his high school sweetheart and this child is the result of that relationship, but after 15 yrs of being apart, she approached him to restart their relationship while we were dating. So, there are things that bring her around such as giving his child a dresser which required them to come to my house to pick it up. I suggested he rent a uhaul to take to him, but he argued it was easier for her to come pick it up. I'm not sure I would have been upset by this other than she moved 3 miles from me a year ago. I live in a city of 5 million people...there are plenty of other neighborhoods.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
K
KQ2 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
Yes it is very true that he is callous and flagrant. I have never put it into these terms or thought about his behavior like this. To be clear, we did talk about how to handle the situation, but despite my desire not to have her come to our house, he went ahead with it because it was easier. He is planning to tell his daughter in the next few weeks. But I feel it is a little late because I have had to endure living with this secret for eight years. I have repeatedly requested he tell her, but both he and the mother felt it would hurt her too much. Personally I think keeping the secret is probably going to be a bigger problem. She was 14 when it happened and they felt she would not understand.

KQ2 #2884888 07/27/16 01:37 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Whoa, the daughter is 22yo and ex still around? Have you snooped?

KQ2 #2884889 07/27/16 01:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by KQ2
Hi,

I have an unusual situation where my husband had an affair with his oldest daughter's mother many years ago.

I'm having a really hard time understanding this sentence. Is your husband's oldest daughter the product of an affair?

Have I got all this right:
the daughter is 22
your husband was previously involved with or married to the daughter's mother (if married, when, and when divorced?)
8 years ago your husband (the boyfriend) had an affair with his ex, the daughter's mother, while you were dating him. The daughter would have been about 16 at the time.
Some time after the affair you married him

Do I understand all that correctly?

Last edited by markos; 07/27/16 01:47 PM.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
K
KQ2 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
Oh yes...but never find anything. But again...he has a work email I cannot access because he works for govt in a top secret job...wouldn't you know.

Until two yrs ago he maintained he needed to keep a relationship with the mother because of the daughter. And as soon as he moved out when we separated two years ago, he had a long conversation with her, the OW, about us. He tells himself that there is no interest from either of them, but I have a very difficult time believing that if you are truly done and remorseful for what you did, that you would need to maintain a relationship because of an adult child. When she moved into our neighborhood he wasn't even angry about it. I was furious because I've tried so hard to remove her from my life. I thought that was odd. Am I crazy or does this really just stink of something?

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
K
KQ2 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
The daughter is the product of his high school sweetheart whom he never married. Yes the boyfriend, now husband, had an affair with the daughter's mother...she was married at the time, while we were dating and planning to become engaged. The daughter was about 15-16. I married him 10 months after the affair, but I did not know about it until four months after we were married.

KQ2 #2884903 07/27/16 04:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by KQ2
Oh yes...but never find anything. But again...he has a work email I cannot access because he works for govt in a top secret job...wouldn't you know.

Until two yrs ago he maintained he needed to keep a relationship with the mother because of the daughter. And as soon as he moved out when we separated two years ago, he had a long conversation with her, the OW, about us. He tells himself that there is no interest from either of them, but I have a very difficult time believing that if you are truly done and remorseful for what you did, that you would need to maintain a relationship because of an adult child. When she moved into our neighborhood he wasn't even angry about it. I was furious because I've tried so hard to remove her from my life. I thought that was odd. Am I crazy or does this really just stink of something?

I gotcha. It sounds like he needs to keep her close by for a quick booty call. There is no other reason. The notion that they need to speak to each other or see each other is ludicrous. There is no "need" and never was.

You have some terrible problems here and I would suggest that you separate until they are resolved. You are setting yourself up for a disaster by living close to his booty call and by tolerating his anger problems. You should move as far away as possible and stay separated from him until he completes at least a YEAR of anger management and has demonstrated his affair is over. Obviously his affair is not over if he is still in touch with his affair partner.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


KQ2 #2884904 07/27/16 04:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by KQ2
His issues are his anger...at himself for having an affair and taking that anger out on me. He claims I'm his only outlet...believe me I've told him to find another outlet.

You should never tolerate an angry outburst from him again. Being "angry at himself" is the stupidest excuse I have ever heard. Using you as an "outlet" only means he abuses you. He is not safe until he learns to STOP getting angry...PERIOD.

I am sorry, but you made a mistake taking him back.

Also, you should expose his affair to everyone. I mean everyone.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by KQ2
His issues are his anger...at himself for having an affair and taking that anger out on me. He claims I'm his only outlet...believe me I've told him to find another outlet.

You should never tolerate an angry outburst from him again. Being "angry at himself" is the stupidest excuse I have ever heard. Using you as an "outlet" only means he abuses you. He is not safe until he learns to STOP getting angry...PERIOD.

Yes, this is bullcrap.

Quote
Also, you should expose his affair to everyone. I mean everyone.

Yes, you need support!!!!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
K
KQ2 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 18
Thank you all for the feedback. I greatly appreciate the time you took to to read my posts and to give me some objective feedback. Living in the mess and constantly responding to his mess has caused me to be jaded and often to feel as though I am the problem. I'm not an angry person, but it has been so constant over the past eight years and the inability to move forward and forgive him has baffaled me because that is not my usual approach to life.

KQ2 #2885116 07/29/16 07:33 AM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5