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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
Thanks MelodyLane! I appreciate the advice and encouragement!

Well today is exposure day. It seems that the WW parent's are restraining themselves. They told me this morning "We talked it over and think it's best that YOU confront OM first. This way, WW will see YOU as the one putting an end to things and YOU being the one that cares about this. THEN, we will pile on afterwards." I get their point and it makes sense. So, I believe I am going to have to be the one to confront OM today and give him a talking to. We will see what happens after that with the in-laws.

You should expose FIRST and then confront the OM. Her parents can go with you if they want, but you should expose FIRST. You can confront this [censored] later in the week.

Quote
As for the exposure, I was going to go to their HR department and inform them tonight of the workplace affair. But then I caught the caveat on the "Outing 101" post about giving your WS 1 month to find another job FIRST. Otherwise, THEN you expose to their HR should WS not comply. Should I go this route? It just conflicts with the "expose to as many targets as possible and don't trickle expose or threaten WS to expose" So, I was just wondering if I could get clarification on this?

NO, that caveat is only for WS's who have agreed to end their affairs and have agreed to leave the job. It is a good will gesture. Your wife has not agreed to any of that. So you need to expose the affair to HR also.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
"We talked it over and think it's best that YOU confront OM first. This way, WW will see YOU as the one putting an end to things and YOU being the one that cares about this. THEN, we will pile on afterwards." I get their point and it makes sense.

But, YOU confronting him is unlikely to end the affair. You are his direct competition and she has been demonizing and discrediting you for months. He will just reiterate that to you. Her PARENTS, on the other hand, are a much more serious threat to him. He cannot attack them without greatly offending your WW. This backs him into a very uncomfortable place. I disagree with their premise, but as long as they agree to confront him, that is a major asset even if it comes later this week.

You are putting an end to his affair via the EXPOSURE. THAT is your most powerful weapon. I would place a confrontation from your in-laws in the same category.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Techman,

The fact that you have been silent for nearly a week is alarming. If you completed your exposure there are next steps for you that you need to be educated on.

Here's hoping you didn't abandon the advice you were given and are no longer wanting to follow the MB recovery path.

Would really like to see an update from you.


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Originally Posted by MrAlias
Techman,

The fact that you have been silent for nearly a week is alarming. If you completed your exposure there are next steps for you that you need to be educated on.

Here's hoping you didn't abandon the advice you were given and are no longer wanting to follow the MB recovery path.

Would really like to see an update from you.

Hi Guys,

Thanks for checking in and thanks for the continued advice! Sorry for falling silent. I didn't get into the other details of my life. But, we closed on a new house last week. So that was kind of the "line in the sand" where I told the WW to proceed with me on this path and a new life and end the affair, or go run off with him. She can't have both. So, I am glad she chose me and we moved forward with our house closing. So, it has been a hectic week.

The exposure day was our closing day due to bad timing of the political event. And, the WW was stressed out enough about the closing and the huge step she is taking with me. I was also exhausted that day and was a nervous wreck wondering what was going to happen. So, I called the in-laws off and asked to give the WW 1 day to recover. They couldn't hold out any longer that they knew about the affair. So, they confronted WW the very next day and had a long talk with her. I think it impacted her a lot but she didn't say much for the most part and just took her lecturing. My mother-in-law also scheduled a counseling appointment with the counselor she sees and we went that very afternoon for a session. I think it helped and the WW agreed to schedule a second appointment 2 weeks out.

As for the exposure, I am still trying to work it out. My WW never refused to leave her job. Originally she just dismissed it as "yeah, sure OK" when I told her it is an absolute MUST if she is serious about ending the affair. So, the WW is saying she WILL leave. Her mother visited her at work 2 days ago as a warning and to put pressure on her. They are in agreement that WW and OM can't work together and that caused a panic with the WW. Then the WW started telling me that she is going to have to resign because her mother will ruin her job, etc... I said "good! Go ahead and resign" I called her bluff and yesterday she was waffling saying "well, my boss doesn't want me to resign" and I said "well, he has to have a resolution to the two of you working together then" which he doesn't. So, that is where we are stuck at the moment. She doesn't seem to be very serious about finding a new job but will so long as I keep on pushing her.

So, I have my letters typed up and a list of friends/family of OM. It's hard to tell who is family and just friends as he has me blocked. But, I think I should hold off on the workplace/HR exposure until I see how serious WW is about leaving on her own accord? The father-in-law and I also are trying to find a place/time to confront OM now that we put that on hold.


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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
But, I think I should hold off on the workplace/HR exposure until I see how serious WW is about leaving on her own accord?
The thing is, you don't need to expose at work at all, if you do't want to. You don't have to do any of the things Dr Harley recommends. You're a grown man and you can do as you like. If you don't want to risk your wife losing her job, you don't have to expose there.

If you don't expose at work, though, the affair will continue. It is continuing right now, every day while she sees him. If you're okay with that, that's all that matters.

You won't find a single regular poster on this forum who will recommend holding off on workplace exposure until you "see how serious your wife is about leaving". This is because we have already seen how serious she is about NOT leaving. All she needs to do is hand in her notice. She's had more than a month since D Day to do that; she has seen how devastated you are, and she has put you through the discovery of more contact, and still she hasn't handed in her notice. We know that she will not do that now, so we will not say that it is okay to wait any longer. Dr Harley does not say that it is okay to wait any longer, and we only give the advice that he gives.

I made a long post to you that you did not acknowledge, giving my personal experience of a continued workplace affair. Everyone on this forum who dealt with a workplace affair had the same experience of rediscovering the affair. We know what's coming your way. However, you can take that advice, or leave it; it's up to you. But please don't try and get us to endorse your inaction and cowardice. We won't do that.


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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
[
As for the exposure, I am still trying to work it out. My WW never refused to leave her job. Originally she just dismissed it as "yeah, sure OK" when I told her it is an absolute MUST if she is serious about ending the affair. So, the WW is saying she WILL leave. Her mother visited her at work 2 days ago as a warning and to put pressure on her. They are in agreement that WW and OM can't work together and that caused a panic with the WW. Then the WW started telling me that she is going to have to resign because her mother will ruin her job, etc... I said "good! Go ahead and resign" I called her bluff and yesterday she was waffling saying "well, my boss doesn't want me to resign" and I said "well, he has to have a resolution to the two of you working together then" which he doesn't. So, that is where we are stuck at the moment. She doesn't seem to be very serious about finding a new job but will so long as I keep on pushing her.

So, I have my letters typed up and a list of friends/family of OM. It's hard to tell who is family and just friends as he has me blocked. But, I think I should hold off on the workplace/HR exposure until I see how serious WW is about leaving on her own accord? The father-in-law and I also are trying to find a place/time to confront OM now that we put that on hold.

The problem is not HER "seriousness," but yours. You are the problem here, not her. It is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. And you enable her by keeping her affair a secret for her and her boyfriend. The only reason you should hold off on workplace exposure is if your wife has given her 30 day notice. Has she done this? Otherwise you should not wait.

Your odds of recovery have gone down immensely since you have arrived here due to a complete lack of action. Just know that there is nothing we can do for you if you refuse to take action. Nothing we tell you to do can compensate for your enabling.

Exposure, exposure, exposure, exposure, exposure. To


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Techman,

Your odds of truly recovering your M aren't good, not even close, if you decide to follow "TM's plan for recovery".

So far you haven't taken one piece of advice given and followed through on it. That's disappointing to those of us that care enough to post to you. Marriages can be saved but, unfortunately, not by using what most people think as the right plan. Dr. Harley has a very specific plan for a reason. He has seen it all and knows his plan gives every marriage its best chance.

Your instincts while admirable aren't going to help you recover your M. Even now your wife is waffling, most likely lying to you to get you off her back. Every day she's exposed to her addiction is a day she moves further away from you. You need the support of many, not just your in-laws.

These great people here have seen it all and can write a script of how your life is going to end up unless you change your plan.

Your first step has to be to complete a full nuclear exposure. Unfortunately you've already started your exposure which we call a trickle exposure. Trickling it in doesn't work. Get your full blown exposure ready and follow through on it. Your W will forgive you so long as you follow the entire plan and build a romantic, loving M with her.

There are many things that you'll need to know about recovering your M but that all comes after you complete this exposure. Please follow the advice of these great people that are posting to you. They know this stuff so well and they'll guide you step by step and through every backslide if you just follow their advice.


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An affair is very much like getting a bacterial infection. The marriage is the body and the affair is the infection. The longer the infection goes untreated, the more advanced the infection and the harder to cure. The longer you wait to get treatment, the less likely you will survive. Let�s say you have an infection for a year and have never treated it. By the time you start penicillin, [exposure=penicillin] you are at death�s door. You have a tiny chance of survival at this point because the infection is so advanced.

At this point would you employ:

1. a very tiny one-time dose of penicillin
2. full blown, massive course of penicillin

Because what you are doing is #1. You have a very small chance of saving this because the affair has gone on so long. It may even be too late now. The only solution, if that is possible, is a FULL COURSE of penicillin. As you can see, your little trickle exposure achieved nothing. Nor will it. I would love to see you save your marriage, but you can't do that if you don't get serious, my friend.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I will add that the earlier the affair is exposed the easier it is to kill the affair. We have had affairs that were exposed very early that were killed that very day. It is also easier to recover because the wayward mindset brought on by the affair is easier to bust up. It has not become so entrenched that it is a way of life.

The longer the affair, more entrenched the affair AND the wayward mentality.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I will add that the earlier the affair is exposed the easier it is to kill the affair. We have had affairs that were exposed very early that were killed that very day. It is also easier to recover because the wayward mindset brought on by the affair is easier to bust up. It has not become so entrenched that it is a way of life.

The longer the affair, more entrenched the affair AND the wayward mentality.

Thanks! I never said I wasn't going to expose and the only "trickle" I have done is tell WW parent's because they needed to know what was going on with the house situation and I didn't even know if that was going through. I took care to not expose to anyone else as of yet. I read the advice and know that all should be done at once as a tsunami effect.

Yes I know about how deeply entrenched the WW becomes. The sad fact of the matter is that this has been going on for a year+ and I only found out as of recent. So it's already deeply entrenched and there is a lot of emotional attachment to break up. But yes I know either way full exposure should happen ASAP. So, that is the plan and I am moving forward with it. I will report back with the results!

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When will you be exposing?

Who is on your exposure list?


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
When will you be exposing?

Who is on your exposure list?

Well today is/was exposure day. My targets are OM parents and friends/family, work supervisors, and work associates. There is an ethics board at their work (WW and OM work for the county government) but I am not sure if they would care about such things. I did say to the wife when I was asking her to leave her job that they (her employers) would not be happy with her activities. She quipped back - "2 consenting adults can do whatever legal activities they want" And I stated - "Yes, BUT not on county time!" So, I am on the fence about the effects of the work exposure. The only real proof I have to offer the employer is cellphone logs of calls and text messages during work hours. But they can always argue it was "work related"

The WW did mention that she spoke to her boss (an elected official) and asked him to speak with OM about ending things and not contacting WW anymore. But, this boss is currently in an active workplace affair of his own. So, I am sure he provided a "high five" and tips on getting away with it! The WW did mention that he told OM "I am here to talk to if you need me" How comforting! laugh

I will be sure to keep everyone updated on the results of my exposure. The next thing I have planned is to find a time I can confront OM.

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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
When will you be exposing?

Who is on your exposure list?

Well today is/was exposure day. My targets are OM parents and friends/family, work supervisors, and work associates. There is an ethics board at their work (WW and OM work for the county government) but I am not sure if they would care about such things. I did say to the wife when I was asking her to leave her job that they (her employers) would not be happy with her activities. She quipped back - "2 consenting adults can do whatever legal activities they want" And I stated - "Yes, BUT not on county time!" So, I am on the fence about the effects of the work exposure. The only real proof I have to offer the employer is cellphone logs of calls and text messages during work hours. But they can always argue it was "work related"

I would add the Human Resources department and the ethics board. You have proof, it is her admission.

Quote
I will be sure to keep everyone updated on the results of my exposure. The next thing I have planned is to find a time I can confront OM.

good job! I want to emphasize that you must DEMAND that she quit the job and end her affair or your marriage will end in divorce. There can be NO CIRCUMSTANCE where she stays employed there and your marriage will survive. And maybe the workplace won't do any thing about it, but what they will DO is watch them. They won't be able to carry on very freely at work anymore.

Is there anyone else on your exposure list? What about your family, her family, everyone?

Quote
So, I am on the fence about the effects of the work exposure.


The effects will be positive no matter what. At best, she will lose her job. At worst, they will all keep an eye on the cheaters. Workplace cheaters are pariahs at work, especially women.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
The WW did mention that she spoke to her boss (an elected official) and asked him to speak with OM about ending things and not contacting WW anymore. But, this boss is currently in an active workplace affair of his own.

Are you reporting the affair to his supervisor? You should also tell him that you were informed that this boss is also having an affair in the workplace. I would throw in a sentence about how embarrassing it would be if the adultery culture in their workplace got out to the public. Taxpayers would not be too happy to discover people are conducting affairs on the county payroll.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Tech_Man
The WW did mention that she spoke to her boss (an elected official) and asked him to speak with OM about ending things and not contacting WW anymore. But, this boss is currently in an active workplace affair of his own.

Are you reporting the affair to his supervisor? You should also tell him that you were informed that this boss is also having an affair in the workplace. I would throw in a sentence about how embarrassing it would be if the adultery culture in their workplace got out to the public. Taxpayers would not be too happy to discover people are conducting affairs on the county payroll.

He doesn't really have a supervisor in his position. Being an elected official in the spot he is in he only has peers. All of his peers know about his workplace affair as well as the majority of people in the office. They just accept it as a "norm" and don't bring it up at all. I wonder where my WW got the idea for her workplace affair! think I don't really want to use his affair as a threat in my situation. The WW said he was pretty much the "only one" giving advice to stay in our marriage when WW was contemplating divorce last year. So, I wouldn't want to lose his support and start a war on another front.

I was thinking of expanding the exposure list. But all of my friends/family that I speak to on a regular basis already know what is going on with the affair. The WW doesn't really have any family that she speaks to except her immediate family that I already talked with. Our friends are common friends so not much to expose to there.

As for the fallout, I could tell WW found out right away. I called her after work and could tell she was mad at me. She has been acting mad, cold, and distant to me since yesterday. I keep on asking her "what's wrong" But, she keeps on saying "nothing!" and just keeping silent. This has been her typical pattern of just ignoring the affair and never talking about it unless I do. So I guess now I just continue on as normal and try to kill her with kindness? Should I bring up the reason I think she is upset (the exposure) and have a talk with her about it? Or, should I just play along with her ignoring it and hope her anger subsides and we go back to normal?

So far I have had zero response from my exposure targets. I am sure everyone is taking it all in and hopefully confronting/verifying the reality of it all. Time will tell!

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" The WW doesn't really have any family that she speaks to except her immediate family that I already talked with. Our friends are common friends so not much to expose to there."

You should be exposing to her family and friends regardless of who she speaks to right now. You don't know who will or won't have an influence. What do you mean by common friends? Have you exposed to these friends personally?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Wait a minute, am I understanding you correctly? You ARE exposing to the workplace today, right?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Exposure is an excellent tool for a betrayed husband IF it is used correctly. Don't make the mistake of trying to expose by using your own ideas and rules as a guideline. The procedure has already been tried and proven to work -- just follow the steps!


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You've been here for about a month and still have not killed this affair - because you haven't followed the exposure advice, exactly the way it is laid out.

It really IS that simple.

If you are going to this, do it right and follow the steps exactly as they have already been laid out for you, no excuses.

It doesn't matter if someone is a common friend, kind of knows, you think won't matter etc. Everyone (in accordance with the instructions in the Exposure 101 thread) should be exposed to today, Everyone.


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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
The WW did mention that she spoke to her boss (an elected official) and asked him to speak with OM about ending things and not contacting WW anymore. But, this boss is currently in an active workplace affair of his own.

Did you expose to this boss yourself, as is outlined in the Exposure 101 thread (in written form, with his supervisor CC'd etc)?


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