This tells us that 1) your wife has been confiding in men at the workplace about your marriage and personal matters and has terrible boundaries around men and 2) this boss of OM has no problem with that. If you know that he is already in an A himself, and has no problem with loose boundaries and women having personal relationships with him at work, then he is NOT an ally or friend to your marriage (or any marriage).

Hi Guys,

Yes I did expose to her supervisor which is the person directly in charge of her. Her boss that she is the assistant of already knows about it. But, I messaged him (I have his cell) and we are going to sit down and discuss this matter face to face.

I had a real crazy day yesterday. The exposure put the pressure on big time. OM was in WW's office yesterday and she was yelling and told him to leave 3 times (she already broken it off with him and he wouldn't accept it) This is from what her boss witness and told us about later. From what I gather, she made some comments after this that hinted at suicide without directly saying it. This prompted her boss to contact her best friend which in turn contacted me and my in-laws. I guess her best friend hears similar comments from WW a little over a week ago (never told me) I did not have my phone on yesterday so my in-laws came to her work to address the situation and get her out of there. The WW refused to go with them and went home on her own. I then heard about this and went to confront OM immediately at his apartment. Of course being the coward that he is he didn't answer. My father-in-law tried later in the evening with the same result. I guess my mother-in-law tried again later and was able to confront him face-to-face. I still have to speak with her today to get the details.

Then later last night I started receiving harassing calls and a death threat from what I am sure is a family member of OM. He was cautious to only threaten on the first call when I wasn't prepared to record. He blocked his caller ID and wouldn't mention specific names. But the threat was a clear: "cut the [censored] or I'll kill you, your daughters, and your in-laws" It's telling that he knew about my daughters and my in-laws and directed the threat at us only. He called back several times and he recited almost verbatim my exposure letter that I sent OM's parents ONLY. So I know it's connected to him.

I am on edge right now and trying to deal with all of this along with taking care of my WW and whatever help she needs to address what is clearly severe depression.

Sorry for the long-winded post on my latest drama.

What about HR? The ethics board? Exposing to ONE GUY is a complete BUST because it is likely he will just ignore you. He can do that because there is no one to hold him accountable. What do you mean "her boss that she is the assistant of knows about it??" Knows WHAT? FRom WHOM? Who is this person?

Will she now agree to quit her job?

Yes, very good points and I agree with both. But this boss being a friend and sort of "mentor" to the WW I still need to deal with him. I had no delusion that he was a friend or ally to my marriage. Ever since I heard about his affair a year prior to my problems, I no longer trusted, respected, or confided in him. That is why I didn't even consider putting him on the exposure list. But in talking with him briefly I now know the value of exposure. The WW was telling him big lies about the status of our relationship and not I need to have a talk with him to tell the truth.

She has not broken off with him; she sees him at work everyday!! That is like saying I have stopped drinking while I go to the bar every day and drink beer. As long as there is any contact WHATSOEVER the affair is in active mode. She has to quit the job.

Is she under the illusion that she can just keep the OM out of her office and everything will be fine? This is just a ploy to ensure she can see her lover every day at work. Your marriage cannot ever recover as long as she works there.

Techman, are you ignoring me now?

You must go to the police with your evidence. They take this stuff very seriously. It is trivial for them to find out who sent you these messages.

You need to understand that even if the workplace situation were to miraculously come under control, there would still be no effective recovery. This is because the triggers associated with this affair are going to continually pound at you so long as the conditions that made the affair possible (her job) are not mitigated. The only path to recovery is for her to leave this job. Anything less is a waste of time and effort.

Hi MelodyLane,

No I am not ignoring you and I am taking your advice in. I agree, she CANNOT work at her job anymore. There is so much instability with WW that I am just trying to sort it all out now. She came in on Monday and said she was quitting (what her boss told us)and everyone was surprised when she showed up the next day. So, with all of this flip-flopping and confusion my head is spinning.

I just got off the phone with WW (on her way to work) urging her to quit her job and find a different career. She kept on saying "I can't quit my job" until I got her to admit it's more like "I WON'T quit my job" I provided the path and told her it will be perfectly fine to quit and we have a financial buffer to rely on for a few months. She isn't accepting it right now. But I am hoping that she is going to let this all sink in and realize it's the ONLY path to follow as I said.

Sorry if I am not responding to everyone's post or am not very descriptive. I am busy at the moment trying to juggle everything and my phone is exploding with texts from friends/family talk about all of this.

Yes I was thinking about going to the police to protect my family. But it wasn't a message, it was a verbal threat. And like I mentioned, the guy was careful to not use any names and only threatened on the first call when I didn't know what this was about and wasn't ready to record. So even if the police can find out the blocked number that called me dozens of times, it's just his word versus my word at this point. No real hard evidence.

Go to the police and file a report of only to create a paper trail.

You should still file a police report. You need to create a legal record of what is going on. You are telling the truth, and that is all that is required to file the report. You don't need hard evidence. The act of filing the report reduces the probability of any real physical harm materializing from these threats.

I understand. I am busy too. I am posting yo you from a roadside stop in central Oklahoma. I am swamped at work.

I would DEMAND that she quit her job immediately or this will lead to divorce. Thoughtful requests are not going to work. You have to be a broken record.

I am still confused about the workplace exposure. Did you expose to HR? Did you expose to the ethics board? It seems to me you just exposed to her cheater boss which is an ineffective exposure.

I very much appreciate you providing me with direction from the road! To clarify the workplace exposure, so far I only exposed to her supervisor. There is a designated supervisor that manages all of the aides which in turn take care of the officials. The official my wife takes care of as an aide/secretary is whom I am referring to as her "boss" The OM is an aide for a different official but still under the same supervisor. I mentioned there was no use in exposing to the "boss" because of his morals and own workplace affair in the same office. But I realize that he was told many lies by WW that I now want to clarify. So, I am going to have a sit down and talk with him directly. Just more proof that you expose to EVERYONE! I have not yet exposed to HR or the ethics board. I was going to give WM time to recover, address these suicidal remarks, and then see what she says about voluntarily leaving her job. Does that sound like a good plan under the circumstances?

As a side note, I had a lengthy phone chat with my WW best friend yesterday after all of the drama went down. It's sickening all of the lies she was told by WW right up until only a few days ago - that she has been living with her mother for the past 5 months, that I wanted a divorce, that the new house was for me only and she was going to live in our old house, that I hadn't changed at all, etc... Any lie she could make to justify the affair! But, the best friend is sick of all the lies and realizes she should have talked to me at the beginning of this whole mess. Pretty textbook affair stuff.

I am still getting a lot of random calls on my cell phone today and was flooded with sign up confirmation emails for all sorts of nonsense - surveys, subscriptions to newsletters, porn stuff, Ashley Madison, etc... So, the scumbag is trying to harass me through my email address as well. I have to say I regret putting as much contact information as I did into my letter to OM's parents. I didn't realize they were going to be such scumbags about it. The letter was respectful and not threatening or harassing in any way. I can post for everyone to confirm. But, I guess it's good to know I am getting to them (the OM's family) I can take the harassment.

I think I am going to go and file a police report about the calls after work. But, I think that negates the ability for me to confront OM. I am sure they will instruct me to have no contact with him once I divulge the reason for the harassment and threats.

NO. I have said over and over again that this affair must be exposed at the workplace. I don't understand why you are not taking this seriously? There seems to be endless reasons why you can't or won't expose. Get er done, friend! Do not wait one more day!

If you want her to get serious, then YOU have to get serious! This is not a game. You have already squandered endless opportunities to save your marriage and right now this is a LONG SHOT because of your complacence. Your complacence has only resulted in a deeply entrenched affair. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO LEGITIMATE REASON. NONE.

My blood is boiling because it is obvious I am taking this more seriously than you. And this is your marriage!! I have a very busy full time career and a marriage and I have even pulled over at rest stops between appointments to check on you and post to you. It seems it is all a waste of my time!

Stop jacking around!! Expose this affair and stop spinning and bsing me. Just do it!

Listen, we shouldn't have to badger you to admit that you aren't following the instructions here. You're a smart guy, it's laid out very clearly and there's no need for these games.

You are very lucky that MelodyLane keeps trying to help you. Don't ABUSE that help side stepping ways to avoid telling us that YOU AREN'T FOLLOWING THE PLAN.

Of course you are free to do whatever you wish, but most posters DO NOT want to waste time helping someone who is cherry picking because it WON'T WORK.

You need to be straight here and tell us if you are going to follow Marriage Builders or Plan Tech Man.

Be fair and don't waste people's time.

If your WW threatens suicide, you should call 911, btw.

When it came to ending my wife's workplace affair with her supervisor, I made a phone call to the relevant associate director in her workplace. Up until that call, they didn't know the real story. That one exposure ended the contact. Most employers realize the liability of workplace affairs, and will act, if for no other reason, just to protect themselves. If you are serious, you will stop soft-pedaling and get on with this.