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Hi Guys,

I haven't posted in a while so I figured I would provide an update on my situation. As you know reading back in this thread, I did not fully expose to all workplace contacts. I gave the WW time to find a new job and she kept dangling the carrot "wait until after the elections and I can find another job" in front of me. But, here we are months later and she is still working in her same job and having occasional exposure to OM through political events.

We were doing great for the first 2 months and we seemed to be on the track to recovery despite me not following the MB rules. But, I am now confirming this to be a false recovery as expected. The WW took a complete 180 turn on me a few weeks ago and things are just as bad as before. And of course I am beginning to find evidence of further contact with OM.

So, my plan now is to gather more evidence to confirm my suspicion and do a more massive and thorough exposure. Then it will be either Plan A with 100% compliance from WW. If I get anything less, it will be on to Plan B.

I apologize to everyone here who tried to help me and get me to follow the MB plan to the tee. But at least I figure I would post this as a warning to everyone else on this board - follow the plan as written and expose as far and wide as possible! This is your best chance of a real recovery. I now know the error of my ways.

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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
So, my plan now is to gather more evidence to confirm my suspicion and do a more massive and thorough exposure. Then it will be either Plan A with 100% compliance from WW. If I get anything less, it will be on to Plan B.

I view this as another conflict avoidance tactic. If you read through this thread, you have a bad habit of saying you are going to do something but you can never do it NOW. As a result nothing ever gets done because you are perpetually kicking the can down the road.

You should expose the affair now. You don't need to put this off by saying you need to "gather more evidence." You have the evidence.

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We were doing great for the first 2 months and we seemed to be on the track to recovery despite me not following the MB rules.

Your idea of "doing great" and ours is worlds apart, my friend. Your idea of "great" is conflict avoidance. Ours is marital recovery. Marital recovery cannot start until all contact has ended.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hi Melody,

Yes you are 100% right it was about my conflict avoidance nature and resulting hesitation. But, I am DONE with that. I promise you this and I will NEVER post again on this forum and my account can be banned if I don't follow through.

I am taking time to procure more evidence should my additional work contacts I am exposing to ask for it. And, I am gathering up additional contacts - friends, professional, work/HR of the WW to make sure this is the largest exposure possible. Additionally, I have to prepare for the possibility of this ending in divorce. I have to gather evidence of the verbal/emotional abuse the WW exposes my children to. She has severe anger management and bipolar issues. So, I am going to fight for FULL custody should the WW take this route.


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Don't you already have evidence?

Gathering up additional contacts takes about 2 hours. I am not sure what you mean by "prepare for divorce." The only thing you have to prepare for is her anger.

I see you putting down more needless roadblocks here. I hope that is not the case.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Why don't you follow the workplace exposure from the Exposure 101 thread? You have all the evidence you just need to expose to her work.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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How many times have we told you on this thread that you just need to start following the advice outlined and stop deviating? We've told you at EVERY turn, and here we are, a couple months later....your WW is still with the OM and you are STILL deviating!

Stop this madness, Tech man. My gosh!

Originally Posted by Tech_Man
I am taking time to procure more evidence should my additional work contacts I am exposing to ask for it.

You don't need any more evidence. You already have evidence and she admitted it to you.

Quote
Additionally, I have to prepare for the possibility of this ending in divorce. I have to gather evidence of the verbal/emotional abuse the WW exposes my children to. She has severe anger management and bipolar issues. So, I am going to fight for FULL custody should the WW take this route.

You've already HAD time to prepare for D - you told us your WW filed and moved out with the kids at one point so this D idea is not new to you. So this just sounds like more stalling. It is not a legitimate reason to delay exposure.

Besides the reason your WW is probably acting crazy/angry is because she's wayward and in the throes of an affair. That's NORMAL.

Also, and you can talk to a lawyer about being concerned with your WW's anger, but I have to tell you, getting "evidence" of your WW acting angry isn't going to get you full custody. You should just plan to get 50-50, MAYBE primary unless there is evidence of drug abuse or real physical abuse on the part of your WW.

Looking back on this thread it is crazy how many excuses you have come up with to keep delaying this step!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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Yes, I know now I shouldn't have deviated or hesitated. I know it was my own doing that I delayed this long and greatly diminished my chances of recovering from this affair. But, I am going to try one last time doing it the right way!

I needed time to get GPS tracking in place so I could confirm what WW is doing and so I have it in the future. I meant "prepare for divorce" as in that could be the end result of her fury over exposure. But, I don't care at this point. Exposure needs to be done the right away and I am delaying no more.

The GPS tracking showed me that WW parked at a local "park and ride" bus stop location before going downtown. So, it seems like she is back to her old habit of driving to work with OM. I am going to try to catch them in the act dropping off this evening and confront OM. Then, tonight the exposure starts. No more delaying and no more excuses!


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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
The GPS tracking showed me that WW parked at a local "park and ride" bus stop location before going downtown. So, it seems like she is back to her old habit of driving to work with OM. I am going to try to catch them in the act dropping off this evening and confront OM. Then, tonight the exposure starts. No more delaying and no more excuses!
Nobody told you to confront the OM before exposing. Where did you see that in the instructions on this site? Confronting can come AFTER exposure.

Sigh.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Yes, I am aware that confronting OM BEFORE exposing was never mentioned on this site. I didn't really see much of anything on the topic of confronting OM/OW on this site. Remember, I did previously expose everywhere excluding WW workplace. So, I did expose to OM's family and friends on FB. This caused the harassment I was receiving a few months ago. I just figured I would take the opportunity while I knew where he was going to be. I don't have a lot of time to stalk outside OM's apartment until I can catch him leaving. I have knocked on his door before and of course he won't answer as I have tried in the past.

Well to make a long story short, I missed the chance to confront WW and OM in the act back on 11/21. But, I confronted her with the evidence once she came back home that night. I then proceeded with FULL exposure on 11/22 to her friends, all family I could find, and her workplace contacts (supervisor, boss, ethics board) as well as several political contacts of the WW. Of course she was furious and left for a day/night to spend at a friend's house (verified) Then, she came back and I took a day off from work to talk with her. I gave her the option of staying with me to build a romantic relationship provided that she meet MY conditions. She reluctantly agreed to everything - Quitting her job immediately, no more contact with OM, open transparency and sharing ALL passwords and means of communication, working on our marriage through the MB plan, and sharing all affair details I wanted to know.

So far over the past few weeks, she has been complying. She did quit her job immediately and I helped her clean out her desk over this past weekend. She has been job searching and taking care of things at home. I asked her to read my copy of SAA but she hasn't as of yet. I am going to press her over the next few days now that things have settled. I also intend to ask her to fill out the needs questionnaire.

Is there anything else I am missing at this point? I would still like to confront OM as he slipped away a few weeks ago and I need to do this for my own sanity.

The WW is still in a bad mood where she is holding ME responsible for everything. She is somewhat reckless with our finances now saying "you figure it out now" like she is punishing me financially because I demanded she leave her job. I also worry about her being home all day by herself which gives her more opportunities to slip back to her wayward ways. There haven't been any signs of her trying to work on our marriage over the past week. So far, it has only been me doing all of the work and her stating her resentment towards me.

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There is information from Dr. Harley on contacting the OM.
"I encourage BHs to contact OM" Dr. Harley


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Listen to the clips in both threads.
Don't put up with OM per Dr. Harley


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Did your WW write a NC letter to OM?

What has been done from the list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks BrainHurts! I appreciate the link to the thread about confronting OM. I missed it because it's a bit old. Perhaps I'll bump it after my experience. One of the last posts in that thread sums up precisely how I feel about it:

"OM is probably terrified of you, he's counting on not having to deal with you or any other consequences for his actions. He is a coward that is disrespecting you in the worst possibly way behind your back. Don't let him get away with doing that to you and never having to answer to you. If you leave him alone, you'll regret it for the rest of your life, even if you don't save your marriage. Defend your wife's honor!"

I want to show OM the consequences and let him know he is going to have to deal with me cause I will fight to the bitter end for my marriage. It's already eating me up inside that I haven't confronted OM yet and would be a nice "nail in the coffin" of the affair.

As for the NC letter, the WW sent one via email to OM about a week after D-day back in August. I composed it with her and we both sent it via email. But, should this be done a second time seeing that there has been contact and a "re-ignite" of the affair since then? If so, should this be done before or after I confront OM face to face?

All items from the list have been completed. We are working on making more leisure/ UA time together (hard to do with 2 kids) But, we don't spend any time apart anymore.

With reference to the above leisure time, I still get a lot of resistance from WW. For example, tonight is my work Christmas Party. She refused to go up until the last minute. And, now she is acting like she is going to make me miserable because I am "dragging" her out with me. I think it has to do with the fog not yet being lifted. While we had our talk to work things out and get her on board with our marital recovery and openness, WW said "but I still love him" referring to OM. So, I assume that is going to take about a month of NC with OM before this starts subsiding? I guess I am just going to try my best to fill her love bank in the meantime.

Last edited by Tech_Man; 12/02/16 03:14 PM. Reason: typo
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Techman, you are absolutely right, it will take time for her to withdraw. Just keep doing what you are doing and try to persuade her out on dates with you. Family time is also good for warming her up. The key will be to ensure no contact because every contact will put you both back to day 1 of recovery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Melody! I am very grateful for all of the help you and the other members have given me. I know I am still far from recovery. But, I feel I am headed in a good direction thanks to all of your help and advice! I can't begin to thank you enough for helping me even though I was my own worst enemy at times.

Here's to hoping that I can look back at this years from now with a full recovery! smile

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Do you still have spyware on her devices to confirm NC?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Do you still have spyware on her devices to confirm NC?

I did, but WW changed her passwords about a month ago and killed it. Now that I have her passwords provided per our openness and honesty agreement, I am going to update it. Then I can continue to monitor and confirm NC. I also still have the tracker on the car. I have the VAR at the ready should I need to place it anywhere.

So, I will certainly monitor and verify NC. It has me worried now that she has a lot more free time sitting at home. But hopefully she can find another job soon.

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Originally Posted by Tech_Man
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Do you still have spyware on her devices to confirm NC?

I did, but WW changed her passwords about a month ago and killed it. Now that I have her passwords provided per our openness and honesty agreement, I am going to update it. Then I can continue to monitor and confirm NC. I also still have the tracker on the car. I have the VAR at the ready should I need to place it anywhere.

So, I will certainly monitor and verify NC. It has me worried now that she has a lot more free time sitting at home. But hopefully she can find another job soon.
Even more of a reason to make sure you have spyware in place.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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