You were never told to discuss this issue with your wife. You were never told to get her to understand the reasoning behind it. Why are you doing that?

Do you think that any unfaithful spouse welcomes their children being told about their affair?

You should have simply told your daughter about the affair on your own, without your wife's prior knowledge, agreement, or understanding. This is between your daughter and you, and is not dependent on your wife's approval. In fact, if you want to tackle this affair by only doing things that your wife approves of, you won't be able to do anything at all.

You need to get on with doing Marriage Builders. At the moment you are stalling by coming here to argue against it.

This is why it is so important to NOT bring this up to your spouse beforehand. You should just tell the child yourself when you are alone with her. Your wife does not understand the best interest of your child when it relates to her bad behavior.

The only people being "punished" here are you and your child. Your wife is not the victim. Your child's need to know supersedes her self serving desire to avoid embarrassment.

SugarCane and MelodyLane, my apologies I messed up and misread on what to do. I thought to tell her together would help I didn't talk to her that first intentionally. My mistake on not following thru like you advised.

SugarCane I am sorry I didn't mean to come across as stalling and arguing against the advice given. I greatly appreciate all the advice given I just screwed up. I don't mean to portray I am arguing against you or others I am listening and taking it in.

Don't apologize, GB - you're the one who suffers the consequences. Listen closely to MelodyLane and SugarCane, because they won't steer you wrong.

I am thank Markos. I didn't want them to think I was ignoring their advice and wasting their time that is all. I know it can seem frustrating when you take time to help and it seems its not being taken to. I am trying.

What are you actually DOING? Are you going to tell your daughter today?

I guess I am not doing what is needed. I am going to tell her on Wed when she gets back. She is at her grandparents house on the lake with some cousins. I want to do it in person. I have researched therapists for my wife alone and as a couple. She doesn't want to do either. I have looked up stuff online about infidelity and gave to her to read. I am trying to stay on top of what she is doing online best I can. I have been applying for another position for work that requires no travel or less. In the meantime I did meet with my boss and at least for the time being I am on short and close trips when I do have to go so I can be home more.

I don't know if any of what I posted will help or fix anything but I don't want to give up on us yet.

Thanks for the update, GB!! That is great. It is hard to tell kids but it is the right thing to do.



That is good, because counseling is so destructive to marriages that you would be safer going to get pedicures. This is why Dr. Harley started the Marriage Builders program. He was appalled that marriage counseling was so destructive and had such an abominal failure rate. MC has an 84% failure rate and marriage counselors actually have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They have no earthly idea how to save a marriage. None.

Marriage Builders is very different in that it is a proven, step by step program that is entirely focused on changing bad marriage habits and creating romantic love. Harley studied the habits of couples who were in romantic, successful marriages and created his program based on their habits. He first tested it through a series of testing before he rolled it out in his book, His Needs, Her Needs. Most counselors don't believe it is possible to have a romantic marriage, but it can be attained if you use this program.


Please tear that up and give her the book Surviving an Affair. Most infidelity articles are a waste of time because they have no plan and don't understand the dynamics of infidelity.


This is great! I would focus all of your efforts on NEVER being apart overnight again. That is the biggest obstacle in fixing your marriage.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I will take a look at that. Also that is staggering info on MC that you gave. I did not know that at all but good to know.

And you are right that is the goal to now be away. That is something that I have stressed to my wife from the start. That I don't condone the cheating and this is something that we cant just wash away but I am not blaming her 100% on any marriage issues. I too have dropped the ball and will own up to any of that.

Did you read this and listen to the radio clips that are in the thread?

This will help.

BrainHurts I did read and thank you. Between that and the stuff I read on here about couple counseling failing at a high rate I was amazed about it. Really opened my eyes. Plus with what others have told me I am staying the course to tell my daughter when she comes home tomorrow from her grandparents.

Fantastic and let us know how it goes.

Actually had the conversation last night with my daughter and it was really rough to do. We been having crappy weather here lately so my in laws came back last night and not today as the kids were getting restless being cooped up in the house.

I went to pick her up at my in laws alone as my wife was tired and wanting to take a nap. On way back I took her to a place to get some ice cream and told her I wanted to tell her something. I didn't dive into details thought giving more of an outline would be better. I just told her that her mom and me were going thru some stuff that happens sometimes in relationships. That her mom go to close to another man and crossed a boundary you don't do. That we are working on it but no matter what it has nothing to do with her and that we both love her just as always.

She was quiet for a bit but said she was worried something was wrong that she has noticed I been sleeping on the couch some nights and more fighting going on in the house. Ugh this just killed me to hear. She is worried that we will get divorced or will we be better. I hate that she even has to be dragged into this crap.

I told my wife when we got home our conversation. She got mad at me again referencing that I am using this to hurt her. But later that night she came down very emotional saying it hit her on what she did and the pain it has caused our family. She is like I have always been sorry to you but I don't know how to get you to see that. She told me that this was never about her and I but more herself and she didn't view it like that and me. That she got so caught up in it.

I don't know what to think about what she said but it was big emotional night with telling my daughter I didn't want to add to it. I just told her I love her but I just don't know what to think on her reasoning and such.

Well, that was a horribly ambiguous message to give your daughter. I'd be surprised if a 6 year-old understands what "got too close to another man" means. Does it means she nearly bumped into him?

Why did you feel it necessary to cloud your explanation like that?

I can see that you thought that the important message to get across was to confirm that you and your wife were having problems, and crucially, to reassure your daughter that these have nothing to do with her, and that you both still love her.

However, the important message that you SHOULD have been trying to convey was that her mother had had an affair - she'd had "a boyfriend" as Prisca told you to say - and that this was wrong because married people should not have boyfriends or girlfriends. You should have left her in no doubt that her mother had behaved in ways that she should only have behaved towards you, her husband, and that you were very upset by what she'd done, and that THAT is why you have been unhappy and sleeping on the couch.

You were given these words by Dr Harley, earlier in the thread. They explained what you needed to convey:

"2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair."

What you were most concerned with, and thus concentrated on, was protecting your wife from your daughter's upset, which MelodyLane specifically told you not to do. In order to protect your wife from embarrassment, and possibly to protect yourself from her anger and the threat that she will leave you over this, it was easier for you to focus on the reassurance side of the issue - that it wasn't your daughter's fault and that you both still love her - at the expense of radical honesty about the affair. It is much more important that your daughter understood what her mother had done - she had a boyfriend - and that this was wrong because she is married to you, and that it had hurt you.

Your daughter needs to be taught right from wrong on this issue, and not have it sugar-coated with platitudes such as "stuff that happens sometimes in relationships" - as if this isn't so bad really, it's normal, and that it usually works out okay.

GB333, Dr. Harley has a working proven plan for surviving an affair.

The first step in that plan is exposure.

What you did was not exposure.

Do you expect to survive this affair?

Ok maybe I was not clear on my post. One I don't know why you think my daughter is only 6. And I didn't give the play by play of the whole conversation but I believe she is fully aware of what is going on. She was not given details but I feel confident of the severity of what happened. Maybe I didn't full lay into her mom to her but I am sorry don't think a child needs to be fully aware of the details in this. I agree with you all she needed to know but I think there is a limit. Again it was conveyed that her mom did wrong.

Markos, not sure what you mean in your question. The affair has been exposed to our friends, her family, people in our community, my co workers know, now our daughter. How much more exposure is needed?

Did you tell your daughter that her mother was having an affair, or not?

I apologise; I've obviously mixed you up with someone else. How old is she?

SugarCane you don't have to apologize I didn't know if I mis typed her age or even put it on and not that it makes a difference but she is 9.

Markos, yes she knows her mom was seeing another man. I maybe didn't say affair in the conversation but she knows what happened I believe.