GB,

When you've done this part correctly, you won't say "I believe she knows her mother was having an affair." You will KNOW that she knows her mother was having an affair, because you will have told her.

I have never seen anybody come out well when they equivocate on telling their children straight out that their other parent is having an affair.

Exposure doesn't mean everybody knows - exposure means that YOU, personally, tell them. If you don't tell your daughter this, then that fails to set up a situation where your daughter can talk to you about it. It leaves her lacking a crucial path for support.

Markos I get what you are saying and it might seem I didn't use the correct or proper language in my discussion with my daughter but I am very confident she understood. Just in the fact the questions and stuff she talked to me about after to talked to her. Sorry this is my fault I didn't give a lot of specifics but wanted to post the general version.

And I just told her last night I am sure we will have further discussions. Plus my kid is one of those curious minds she will be asking if she is not clear on something.

I guess I'm gonna just give up, GB. I'm trying to get across to you that when people say things like this, then this isn't going to end well:


It means you didn't tell her straight out. There aren't levels of detailed specifics and a general version here; it's just one sentence.

Markos I am trying to be patient and take all advice here but you seem to be hung up on the wording of my talk with my daughter. I don't know how to stress she knows her mom was with another guy. It might not have been the exact way others seem to want it to be but I will have further discussions with her. It was hard enough to do that and just a starting point.

Sorry I am making you want to to give up seems I frustrate people on here it was not my intention. I do appreciate the time and advice everyone gave me here. I hope all is well with everyone in the future. Thanks.

GB, can you tell us specifically what you have told her? Does she know and understand that a) her mother has committed adultery and b) that adultery is wrong and why? The reason we are pressing you on this is because the goal of telling kids is to eliminate moral confusion. If they are not told the truth and given moral guidance, they are vulnerable to the immoral teachings of the cheating spouse. They end up more confused than before.

I have experienced this firsthand in my own childhood. My father took me to a hotel to meet his OW when I was 4. This is one of the many events that took place in my life that had a profound impact on my moral and emotional development. My mother knew of the affair but did not explain this confusing situation to me. [being "non judgemental" ] I even remember her sitting on the edge of the bed in her slip sobbing. I couldn't figure out why she was crying.

Seeing this OW seemed "wrong" to me, but since no adult validated those instincts I concluded I wasn't very smart and learned to doubt my instincts about right and wrong. Obviously, what seemed wrong to me was not wrong to the adults in my life, so the problem was my mind. I learned early on that nothing made sense and I could not figure things out.

Kids instinctively know right from wrong but when adults don't validate them and give them clear moral guidance, they learn to doubt themselves and grow up morally confused. Those of us who came from these dysfunctional environments know how it is and are pretty passionate about avoiding these pitfalls.

Even 4 yo's know what a BF and GF are.

Exposure to a child: Moms and dads do not have BF/GF and go out on dates with them.

Well your mom has a BF (name and identify who the OM is) and is going out on dates with the OM.

Simple truth.

True without details.

Age appropriate.

****lecturing other posters against TOS****