I told my husband 15 months ago about an affair I had 7 1/2 years ago. We have been married 8 years now and have a three year old daughter. We had only been married 6 months and moved to a different state for his job. He was never around and worked insane shifts. I had no family and no friends and felt completely isolated and alone. I didn't know why I married him and wanted out. I had told him how alone I felt but it didn't seem to matter because he was working for our future he said. It felt like I didn't matter and I became very bitter and angry. I cheated on him but ended the relationship and never told him. During my sorrow I told my sister what I had done but no one else. Fifteen months ago my sister had an affair on her husband and was all about doing the right thing and thought I also needed to tell mine. She ended up telling my brother about what I did and in turn I was forced to tell my husband. It was the hardest thing I've ever done because my husband worshiped the ground I walked on, although he's not always the best at showing it. I wrecked his world and almost lost my family. He said if it wasn't for our daughter he would have divorced me in a heart beat. Since that day 15 months ago we have built a new relationship and I'm actually 5 1/2 months pregnant with our second daughter. He never brings up the past and is such a good husband to me. I remember him saying in anger how he'd never view me the same and that I would never be put on the pedistle he had me on. Those words still haunt me today. I often wake up very depressed and think about my mistake every hour of every day. I am overridden with grief and when I look at my daughter I feel so much shame. How can I raise a daughter to make good decisions when I made the ultimate mistake and have to live with it for the rest of my life. I feel like I am doomed to live a life of unhappiness and regret. It is an overwhelming, paralyzing feeling I feel everyday. I just don't know what to do with myself and how I can ever be happy again. It does sound crazy but I sadly never thought about it before I told him. I completely blocked it out of my mind and was so happy. Now that I've told him I can't go one day without thinking about it. Any help or advice would be so greatly appreciated....

Hi Michelle, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the plan for recovery. Unless you have a plan for recovery, your marriage will just limp along in a crippled state. You don't have to be like that.

One red flag I see is that you don't seem to understand that the cause of affairs is poor boundaries around men. Your husband could have been doing a great job meeting your needs and you would have still had an affair if you had poor boundaries. Has that been addressed and corrected?

Have you been completely honest with your BH about everything about the affair? Are you living a completely transparent life?

Who was the OM? Was he married? How do you know him? Is there anyway he can contact you?

Also, read this and listen to the clips in here.
What Is Just Compensation?

Michelle, I know what you are going through. I had a 3 month emotional affair that nearly tore my family apart. It's been almost 3 years since NC with om. When my husband said he took me off that pedestal.....broke my heart so bad. But.... The good news is, if you keep your word.....and have no contact with the other man ever again.....your husband will put you back on that pedestal. The first 6-12 months were straight hell. But we pulled through. I will never ever betray him again. Best wishes, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Learn from it 🙏

He is going to need a LOT of remorse & reassurance from you. That......and keeping your word.... will bring you together again. I feel lonely a lot now too, but I've learned what can happen if you allow another person in, so my walls are up to any other men. Praying you guys make it & come out stronger

With time everything will be fine. Don't stress-out that can affect your health. Try to gain your husbands trust back.