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#2886839 09/11/16 11:01 AM
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Hello. I am the BS of a "soulmate" affair. I have been all over the website and read Surviving An Affair. My question seems simple but have not been able to find an answer. How does one 'survive' plan A? The WS is out with AP and pursuing their relationship, she moved out to get more opportunity to be together. How do i as the BS maintain family, home, and life if i have not given up on her? The affair has been exposed to all her family, all the family walks on eggshells and doesnt push the subject because nobody wants to push her away into his arms. I have no means of figuring out his family or how to contact. I tried reaching his wife via facebook but have not recieved a response. We have agreed on a custody arrangement for the time being, and i dont want to cut her off from the kids.

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Hello Lost, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I would first begin by doing a proper exposure of the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it can be devastating. It is doubtful the OM is going to leave his wife for your wife.

Please start by reading the Exposure 101 thread in my signature. Come back and we will help you plan.

WHO exposed the affair to her family?

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The affair has been exposed to all her family, all the family walks on eggshells and doesnt push the subject because nobody wants to push her away into his arms.

That is a very irrational statement since she is already in his arms.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Exactly WHAT was her family told?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Shes staying in a camper at her mothers. But stays in constant contact with him and some dates. She hides it all from them. Shes already shut her sister (where she stayed when i found out) out for asking the tough questions. As far as i know his wife kicked him out when he confessed on D-Day. But thats 3rd hand knowledge. Honestly id prefer if hes been lying to my wife about it and she finds out.

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Ive told my wifes family everything. I am closer to them than my own family. In order; i exposed to her mother as she was watching my kids when i came home. Wife exposed to her out of town girlfriend. Wife exposed to her sister so she could stay with her overnight. I exposed to my mother and stayed there over night. Then wifes mother exposed to wifes step dad,(wife still hasnt discussed with him), later i reconfirmed. Wifes sister exposed to their father, later i followed up, (wife still hasnt discussed with him, but knows he knows something). Wife has exposed to another out of town girlfriend, i later confirmed. Wife also exposed to doctor during her physical. Both of them lost their jobs due to being caught in the act.

Last edited by Lostsnowflk; 09/11/16 11:26 AM.
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Ok, I see alot of opportunities here starting with the OM. There are many opportunities with her family and friends. I would try a different approach with her family. I would reach out to every one of them personally via email or phone call, tell them she is having an affair with a married man and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. You can use the talking points in my exposure thread. Your goal is to enlist them all to approach her.

You will also need to expose to the OM's wife, family and friends at the same time using the talking points in my thread.

How old are your children?

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Shes already shut her sister (where she stayed when i found out) out for asking the tough questions.

The sister doesnt need to ask tough questions. I would ask her and her family to approach your W and express their disgust with her affair. They need to be telling her they will never welcome this dirtbag into their family. Will they do that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And you need to personally contact your wife's friends and family that she supposedly "exposed" to. The story needs to come from you along with your request for HELP.

I find it SHOCKING that her own mother is allowing her to carry on an affair rom her home? Is she really so uncaring about her own daughter and her grandchildren? Is she an evil woman?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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On DDay I called OM. Voicemail obviously. Neither Him or his wife are active Facebookers, (old posts). I have attempted to contact OM wife via messenger but have had no luck. No listed numbers either. I have tried to figure out how to dissect and contact their families. I have been following up with wifes family and friends and asked for their support. All are in agreement with doing what they can. what I mean by constant contact is, WS and OM message each other non stop. and hides in camper. WS sneaks off occasionally to spend time with him. its been made clear by wifes family that OM presences wont be welcome in our/their family. WS has already decided to give up on marriage but has not filed, shown no desire to break it off with OM, and lies/avoids her own family about her actions. My questions are how to weather HER fog, while still having regular contact because of kids and me trying to make love deposits

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Originally Posted by Lostsnowflk
On DDay I called OM. Voicemail obviously. Neither Him or his wife are active Facebookers, (old posts).

Do you know where she lives? You can drive to her house and pay her a visit. And if you can see their facebook pages/posts, then you can see their friends and send them messages. Their friends and family should be on their facebook pages.

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I have tried to figure out how to dissect and contact their families.

Look on their facebook pages for relatives. Look at who liked their posts. Do searches on peoplefinder.com

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I have been following up with wifes family and friends and asked for their support. All are in agreement with doing what they can.

Will they contact the OM? Will they speak to your wife? Will they reach out to the OM's parents?

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what I mean by constant contact is, WS and OM message each other non stop. and hides in camper. WS sneaks off occasionally to spend time with him. its been made clear by wifes family that OM presences wont be welcome in our/their family.

Then why is the mother ignorant about all this??

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WS has already decided to give up on marriage but has not filed, shown no desire to break it off with OM, and lies/avoids her own family about her actions. My questions are how to weather HER fog, while still having regular contact because of kids and me trying to make love deposits

EXPOSE THE AFFAIR! Her lovebank is closed to you as long as her affair is active. You have to do everything in your power to kill this affair. you will have to get MORE AGGRESSIVE and more strategic in your exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Lostsnowflk
I have been following up with wifes family and friends and asked for their support. All are in agreement with doing what they can.

Are you backpeddling? You stated above that your wife was the teller in many of these exposures. You have to be the teller of truth in all relationships, NOT HER.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How old are your children? What have they been told about the affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No clue where OM wife lives, ive done people finder search and no luck, probably because they were married less than a year. OM has no "family" listed on facebook and only a couple of posts with no likes, comments, or tags. OM wife has more info, I had hoped she could help me expose to his family but cant reach. Anytime WS family tries to influence or inquire, WS shuts down or removes herself from the conversation. They are not blind to it. WS just chooses to keep them in the dark, Keeping the secrecy alive. Nobody is ignorant of whats going on, but when WS sister, asked her the hard questions and called it for what it is (an illusion and not real). WS quit talking to her. The staying in camper at WS mothers is a safe place for kids during her custody.

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kid are 6 and 3. they've been told mom will be staying in the camper because dad and mom are not getting along, later I told them. I made mom sad and now she doesn't want to love dad anymore

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Originally Posted by Lostsnowflk
kid are 6 and 3. they've been told mom will be staying in the camper because dad and mom are not getting along, later I told them. I made mom sad and now she doesn't want to love dad anymore

That is not the truth, is it? Her affair is the reason she is in that camper and the reason mom and dad are not getting along and the reason the kids are suffering.

Remember what Melody Lane just posted to you?

"You have to be the teller of truth in all relationships, NOT HER."


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how do I explain it to the kids? wording wise?

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Originally Posted by Lostsnowflk
No clue where OM wife lives, ive done people finder search and no luck, probably because they were married less than a year. OM has no "family" listed on facebook and only a couple of posts with no likes, comments, or tags.

You need to figure it out. Have you looked in whitepages.com? You need to hire a PI if you have to. What about the OMs' wife's page? What do you see there?

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Anytime WS family tries to influence or inquire, WS shuts down or removes herself from the conversation. They are not blind to it. WS just chooses to keep them in the dark, Keeping the secrecy alive. Nobody is ignorant of whats going on, but when WS sister, asked her the hard questions and called it for what it is (an illusion and not real). WS quit talking to her. The staying in camper at WS mothers is a safe place for kids during her custody.

Being quiet is not helpful. Why would the mother allow this to go on without interference?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Lostsnowflk
kid are 6 and 3. they've been told mom will be staying in the camper because dad and mom are not getting along, later I told them. I made mom sad and now she doesn't want to love dad anymore

That should really screw with the head of the 6 year old. The child needs to be told the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. She/he probably been exposed to affair in some way and has concluded that you approve. The 3 yr old won't understand.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I will keep digging and exposing. WS family realizes WS is being deceitful to them. I felt WS staying at her parents had the best chances of limiting WS and OM physical contact. maybe WS mother is enjoying the extra time with her daughter? idk she can be a bit self centered

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I asked my 6 year old recognized him. she didn't. I believe physically the affair never left the work place until they got caught screwing after closing the store. 3 days later was D-Day.

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Originally Posted by Lostsnowflk
I will keep digging and exposing. WS family realizes WS is being deceitful to them. I felt WS staying at her parents had the best chances of limiting WS and OM physical contact.

How so? As you can see it is not limiting anything. The mother needs to step up here and start helping you, her daughter and her grandchildren by demanding she end her affair.

HOWEVER, you need to QUICKLY get the contact information for the OM's wife and family and expose this affair.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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