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Hello. I am the BS of a "soulmate" affair. I have been all over the website and read Surviving An Affair. My question seems simple but have not been able to find an answer. How does one 'survive' plan A? The WS is out with AP and pursuing their relationship, she moved out to get more opportunity to be together. How do i as the BS maintain family, home, and life if i have not given up on her? The affair has been exposed to all her family, all the family walks on eggshells and doesnt push the subject because nobody wants to push her away into his arms. I have no means of figuring out his family or how to contact. I tried reaching his wife via facebook but have not recieved a response. We have agreed on a custody arrangement for the time being, and i dont want to cut her off from the kids.
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Hello Lost, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I would first begin by doing a proper exposure of the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it can be devastating. It is doubtful the OM is going to leave his wife for your wife. Please start by reading the Exposure 101 thread in my signature. Come back and we will help you plan. WHO exposed the affair to her family? The affair has been exposed to all her family, all the family walks on eggshells and doesnt push the subject because nobody wants to push her away into his arms. That is a very irrational statement since she is already in his arms.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Exactly WHAT was her family told?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Shes staying in a camper at her mothers. But stays in constant contact with him and some dates. She hides it all from them. Shes already shut her sister (where she stayed when i found out) out for asking the tough questions. As far as i know his wife kicked him out when he confessed on D-Day. But thats 3rd hand knowledge. Honestly id prefer if hes been lying to my wife about it and she finds out.
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Ive told my wifes family everything. I am closer to them than my own family. In order; i exposed to her mother as she was watching my kids when i came home. Wife exposed to her out of town girlfriend. Wife exposed to her sister so she could stay with her overnight. I exposed to my mother and stayed there over night. Then wifes mother exposed to wifes step dad,(wife still hasnt discussed with him), later i reconfirmed. Wifes sister exposed to their father, later i followed up, (wife still hasnt discussed with him, but knows he knows something). Wife has exposed to another out of town girlfriend, i later confirmed. Wife also exposed to doctor during her physical. Both of them lost their jobs due to being caught in the act.
Last edited by Lostsnowflk; 09/11/16 11:26 AM.
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Ok, I see alot of opportunities here starting with the OM. There are many opportunities with her family and friends. I would try a different approach with her family. I would reach out to every one of them personally via email or phone call, tell them she is having an affair with a married man and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. You can use the talking points in my exposure thread. Your goal is to enlist them all to approach her. You will also need to expose to the OM's wife, family and friends at the same time using the talking points in my thread. How old are your children? Shes already shut her sister (where she stayed when i found out) out for asking the tough questions. The sister doesnt need to ask tough questions. I would ask her and her family to approach your W and express their disgust with her affair. They need to be telling her they will never welcome this dirtbag into their family. Will they do that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And you need to personally contact your wife's friends and family that she supposedly "exposed" to. The story needs to come from you along with your request for HELP.
I find it SHOCKING that her own mother is allowing her to carry on an affair rom her home? Is she really so uncaring about her own daughter and her grandchildren? Is she an evil woman?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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On DDay I called OM. Voicemail obviously. Neither Him or his wife are active Facebookers, (old posts). I have attempted to contact OM wife via messenger but have had no luck. No listed numbers either. I have tried to figure out how to dissect and contact their families. I have been following up with wifes family and friends and asked for their support. All are in agreement with doing what they can. what I mean by constant contact is, WS and OM message each other non stop. and hides in camper. WS sneaks off occasionally to spend time with him. its been made clear by wifes family that OM presences wont be welcome in our/their family. WS has already decided to give up on marriage but has not filed, shown no desire to break it off with OM, and lies/avoids her own family about her actions. My questions are how to weather HER fog, while still having regular contact because of kids and me trying to make love deposits
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On DDay I called OM. Voicemail obviously. Neither Him or his wife are active Facebookers, (old posts). Do you know where she lives? You can drive to her house and pay her a visit. And if you can see their facebook pages/posts, then you can see their friends and send them messages. Their friends and family should be on their facebook pages. I have tried to figure out how to dissect and contact their families. Look on their facebook pages for relatives. Look at who liked their posts. Do searches on peoplefinder.com I have been following up with wifes family and friends and asked for their support. All are in agreement with doing what they can. Will they contact the OM? Will they speak to your wife? Will they reach out to the OM's parents? what I mean by constant contact is, WS and OM message each other non stop. and hides in camper. WS sneaks off occasionally to spend time with him. its been made clear by wifes family that OM presences wont be welcome in our/their family. Then why is the mother ignorant about all this?? WS has already decided to give up on marriage but has not filed, shown no desire to break it off with OM, and lies/avoids her own family about her actions. My questions are how to weather HER fog, while still having regular contact because of kids and me trying to make love deposits EXPOSE THE AFFAIR! Her lovebank is closed to you as long as her affair is active. You have to do everything in your power to kill this affair. you will have to get MORE AGGRESSIVE and more strategic in your exposure.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have been following up with wifes family and friends and asked for their support. All are in agreement with doing what they can. Are you backpeddling? You stated above that your wife was the teller in many of these exposures. You have to be the teller of truth in all relationships, NOT HER.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How old are your children? What have they been told about the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No clue where OM wife lives, ive done people finder search and no luck, probably because they were married less than a year. OM has no "family" listed on facebook and only a couple of posts with no likes, comments, or tags. OM wife has more info, I had hoped she could help me expose to his family but cant reach. Anytime WS family tries to influence or inquire, WS shuts down or removes herself from the conversation. They are not blind to it. WS just chooses to keep them in the dark, Keeping the secrecy alive. Nobody is ignorant of whats going on, but when WS sister, asked her the hard questions and called it for what it is (an illusion and not real). WS quit talking to her. The staying in camper at WS mothers is a safe place for kids during her custody.
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kid are 6 and 3. they've been told mom will be staying in the camper because dad and mom are not getting along, later I told them. I made mom sad and now she doesn't want to love dad anymore
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kid are 6 and 3. they've been told mom will be staying in the camper because dad and mom are not getting along, later I told them. I made mom sad and now she doesn't want to love dad anymore That is not the truth, is it? Her affair is the reason she is in that camper and the reason mom and dad are not getting along and the reason the kids are suffering. Remember what Melody Lane just posted to you? "You have to be the teller of truth in all relationships, NOT HER."
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how do I explain it to the kids? wording wise?
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No clue where OM wife lives, ive done people finder search and no luck, probably because they were married less than a year. OM has no "family" listed on facebook and only a couple of posts with no likes, comments, or tags. You need to figure it out. Have you looked in whitepages.com? You need to hire a PI if you have to. What about the OMs' wife's page? What do you see there? Anytime WS family tries to influence or inquire, WS shuts down or removes herself from the conversation. They are not blind to it. WS just chooses to keep them in the dark, Keeping the secrecy alive. Nobody is ignorant of whats going on, but when WS sister, asked her the hard questions and called it for what it is (an illusion and not real). WS quit talking to her. The staying in camper at WS mothers is a safe place for kids during her custody. Being quiet is not helpful. Why would the mother allow this to go on without interference?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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kid are 6 and 3. they've been told mom will be staying in the camper because dad and mom are not getting along, later I told them. I made mom sad and now she doesn't want to love dad anymore That should really screw with the head of the 6 year old. The child needs to be told the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. She/he probably been exposed to affair in some way and has concluded that you approve. The 3 yr old won't understand.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will keep digging and exposing. WS family realizes WS is being deceitful to them. I felt WS staying at her parents had the best chances of limiting WS and OM physical contact. maybe WS mother is enjoying the extra time with her daughter? idk she can be a bit self centered
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I asked my 6 year old recognized him. she didn't. I believe physically the affair never left the work place until they got caught screwing after closing the store. 3 days later was D-Day.
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I will keep digging and exposing. WS family realizes WS is being deceitful to them. I felt WS staying at her parents had the best chances of limiting WS and OM physical contact. How so? As you can see it is not limiting anything. The mother needs to step up here and start helping you, her daughter and her grandchildren by demanding she end her affair. HOWEVER, you need to QUICKLY get the contact information for the OM's wife and family and expose this affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I asked my 6 year old recognized him. she didn't. I believe physically the affair never left the work place until they got caught screwing after closing the store. 3 days later was D-Day. Have you told the 6 yr old about the affair? It is very likely he/she has seen or heard something. The child needs to know the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I had hoped. I cant force WS mothers hand. And ive payed for online searches into the OM wife and haven't gotten any address or phone number. in the mean time, between now and when WS fog lifts, What do you recommend a BS do?
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I had hoped. I cant force WS mothers hand. And ive payed for online searches into the OM wife and haven't gotten any address or phone number. in the mean time, between now and when WS fog lifts, What do you recommend a BS do? The fog will NEVER LIFT until the affair is killed. And in order to do that you must expose. EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. Apply as much pressure as possible to the affair. Don't let up one second until you have the OMW's address in hand and have the ability to expose wide and far on the OM's side. Don't stop looking. You can ASK your MIL to stop supporting the affair. It is in her best interest to support your daughter, her marriage and her grandchildren. I seriously doubt she wants to be an affair facilitator, does she?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The longer the affair goes on, the more entrenched and the harder it will be to bust up the affair.
Your MIL is not helpful to allow your w to stay there. That does not help your marriage, it helps the AFFAIR.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ill keep hunting for OM wife. And keep trying to get MIL to step up and put foot down.I know WS sister did.
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Here on how to tell your 6yo. Also listen to the radio clips in here. Exposing to Children
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Do you know anyone from their workplace that can give you OM's address or OM's BW's contact information?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Nope OM lived 15+ miles away and commuted to the job in our town. And the company would give me nothing. WS and OM "quit" so that records could be sealed. They signed confidentiallity agreements. The companies way of avoiding paying unemployment
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I have told my 6yo about OM now and that mom is choosing him over being with me. I also showed her a picture and told his name
Last edited by Lostsnowflk; 09/11/16 07:03 PM.
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What about life and our home in the meantime? Do proceed as though WS is never to return. Or do i preserve our lifestyle best i can?
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How does one keep the strength and faith, While they wait for the affair to die? Even after exposure, itll take some time. Until then i deal with the thoughts of them romping and continuing their affair!
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I have Facebook message exposed what appears to be OM sister, mother, and father. Sister and mother appear to have seen the message, but no response. I also FB messaged OM wife, and two sisters. None of which appear to have seen the message. And i tried to reach OM wife through her work, with no response yet.
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I have Facebook message exposed what appears to be OM sister, mother, and father. Sister and mother appear to have seen the message, but no response. I also FB messaged OM wife, and two sisters. None of which appear to have seen the message. And i tried to reach OM wife through her work, with no response yet. Good job! keep it up!!! Don't give up until you have spoken to the OMW and his parents. I would message the sister and parents again and ask them to call you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Reached OM wife. They were going to counseling and still sleeping together after DDay. My WS is pissed, that i told our daught that joe was stealing her away. That i called around to figure out the truth regarding OM new employment location. And that i talked to OM wife. She called me childish and wants to know what i hope to gain by doing these things. I said "im sorry your upset. I never lied, just the truth" and "i love you, i care about you, i know you, these lies arent you, i love you.
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Well OM parents are covering for him. And their a good chance my MIL is covering for WS
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Reached OM wife. They were going to counseling and still sleeping together after DDay. My WS is pissed, that i told our daught that joe was stealing her away. That i called around to figure out the truth regarding OM new employment location. And that i talked to OM wife. She called me childish and wants to know what i hope to gain by doing these things. I said "im sorry your upset. I never lied, just the truth" and "i love you, i care about you, i know you, these lies arent you, i love you. Did you tell the OM's wife that the affair is still active? What is the status with them? I would get everything out in the open by talking to your wife's mother and bringing her up to date. Will the OMW give you his parents contact information?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well OM parents are covering for him. And their a good chance my MIL is covering for WS What do you mean by this? Have you personally spoken to the OM's parents?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please be very specific in your posts. I am very confused about what is happening and shouldb't have to ask a million questions to understand. for example, why did your wife call you childish? What happened?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes i told OM wife it was still active. She had suspicions. And OM never confessed about sexual nature prior. My WS called me childish for exposing to our daughter and figuring her lies about how close his new job is to our family. OM wife and i have been putting the puzzle peices together all day with each other to unearth truth from lie as my WS is getting good with half truths
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Yes i told OM wife it was still active. She had suspicions. And OM never confessed about sexual nature prior. My WS called me childish for exposing to our daughter and figuring her lies about how close his new job is to our family. OM wife and i have been putting the puzzle peices together all day with each other to unearth truth from lie as my WS is getting good with half truths Will the OMW contact your MIL? Will she give you the contact information for OM's parents? Are you working together to kill the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OMW has no wishes to save her marriage right now. But it is also DDay for her again. OM has cheated several times in the past and is a pathalogical liar i guess. MIL wishes not to choose sides apparently and may have concealed WS absence from me, hard to say at the moment. Yes OMW is willing to aid me in killing the affair if she can. But right now she needs some time to process her emotions. Ive asked OMW to contact my wife when shes ready. I will ask about OMW either exposing to his parents or giving me the contact info to. OMW believes his parents have been covering for him.
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OMW has no wishes to save her marriage right now. But it is also DDay for her again. OM has cheated several times in the past and is a pathalogical liar i guess. MIL wishes not to choose sides apparently Oh no, she chose the side of the affair. and may have concealed WS absence from me, hard to say at the moment. Yes OMW is willing to aid me in killing the affair if she can. But right now she needs some time to process her emotions. Ive asked OMW to contact my wife when shes ready. I will ask about OMW either exposing to his parents or giving me the contact info to. OMW believes his parents have been covering for him. It would be very effective if you could call the OM's parents and ask for their help. Will she give you the #?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OMW does not want to share OM parents contact info. Still unsure at this point, seems as though my WS may have known OM and OMW were reconciling, counseling, and sleeping together. OMW has not yet contacted my WS yet. I told my WS that i contacted OMW, my WS then told OM, he left work early to go to his wife, she tore into him, then kicked him out. Thats all i know for now
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OMW does not want to share OM parents contact info. Still unsure at this point, seems as though my WS may have known OM and OMW were reconciling, counseling, and sleeping together. OMW has not yet contacted my WS yet. I told my WS that i contacted OMW, my WS then told OM, he left work early to go to his wife, she tore into him, then kicked him out. Thats all i know for now yeah!! Call your MIL and tell her all this. Then try to get in contact with his parents.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you know where the OM works now? I would also contact his current employer and tell them OM is having an affair with your wife. Tell them he was FIRED from his last job for this affair. that is what happened, right?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No they got caught and both quit, signing confidentiality forms. OM new job isnt open currently. Does that kind of exposure at a new workplace constitute as harassment? Yes i know where OM works.
Last edited by Lostsnowflk; 09/12/16 06:27 PM.
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No they got caught and both quit, signing confidentiality forms. OM new job isnt open currently. Does that kind of exposure at a new workplace constitute as harassment? Yes i know where OM works. No, it is not harassment to say the truth. What do you mean his new job isn't open currently? Did you read my posts and follow the advice?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ive been doing my best following your advice based on the cooperation i get. OM new job store hours, were closed by that time. OMW has quit responding to my texts, unsure at the moment if she has or will contact my WS. And OMW did not want to share his parents contact info. I outlined OM two timing act and how and his lies to his wife who was unaware, that OM and OMW had planned to hookup tonight. My Wife had alerted him to my saying i called OMW only. OM left work to go to his wife. I shared all of this with my WS. And sit in silence waiting! WS sister was forwarded the same outline. My MIL will be informed when she brings my kids home tonite.
Last edited by Lostsnowflk; 09/12/16 07:53 PM.
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Have you been able to reach his parents yet?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No i have not reached OM parents. OMW believes that they are covering for as both parents have cheated multiple times and figure it as a way of life. I will keep trying though. Im really hoping my wife wasnt aware of OM and OMW reconciliation, and this opens her eyes. Otherwise im dealing with a worse monster in that she was totally fine with fooling around until he was ready to leave his wife...
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No i have not reached OM parents. OMW believes that they are covering for as both parents have cheated multiple times and figure it as a way of life. I will keep trying though. yes, keep trying!! Im really hoping my wife wasnt aware of OM and OMW reconciliation, and this opens her eyes. Otherwise im dealing with a worse monster in that she was totally fine with fooling around until he was ready to leave his wife... That is a little irrational. She was perfectly fine with screwing around on her own husband so why would she have any problems screwing a married man?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Their is some evidence to my wife withholding sex, to restart their relationship from new. Get off on the right foot so to speak. So i want to believe that he led her along in the lies that she told me, about him confessing to his wife on my DDAY and that his wife left for good. Like i said before my wife hasnt tried to save our marriage or come back to me, she wants to move on. So their is partial truth in every lie. But she has tried to lead family members to think that shes not ending our marriage over him, which weve all figured out, but she still hides/lies to everyone about the littlest things relating to their relationship, and we all call [censored].
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Their is some evidence to my wife withholding sex, to restart their relationship from new. Get off on the right foot so to speak. That is fogged out silly adulterer talk. An affair never gets off on a "right foot." You can put lipstick on a pig but it still oinks. So i want to believe that he led her along in the lies that she told me, about him confessing to his wife on my DDAY and that his wife left for good. You wife knows she is a married woman who abandoned her marriage and her children for an affair. She knows he is a married man. You sound like you trying to romanticize her affair like a chick flick fantasy. Lets face reality here. Your married wife is committing adultery with a married man and 2 marriages have been ruined over their piggish, selfish behavior. There is nothing romantic or innocent about what has happened. Two families have been destroyed over nothing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Exposure not working, messages to OM parents got through, they told my wife, they have been letting OM and WS stay at their place overnights, and know shes married. My wife also wont believe anything OMW said. Also said, she gets to choose what to beleive.
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Exposure not working, messages to OM parents got through, they told my wife, they have been letting OM and WS stay at their place overnights, and know shes married. My wife also wont believe anything OMW said. Also said, she gets to choose what to beleive. ONCE AGAIN, this is vague and I have don't have time to decipher it. Who told you WHAT?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My wife confronted me about messaging OM parents. My wife told me she believes the OM over what his wife told me.
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Fine, I guess I will have to pull it out of you, but be assured I really don't have the time to do this. I have a full time job and a marriage. I shouldn't have to do this. Please be thorough instead of texting it in. Exposure not working, messages to OM parents got through, they told my wife, they have been letting OM and WS stay at their place overnights, and know shes married. How do you know any of this? How do you know that the parents know she is a married woman and that they are allowing them to shack up at their home? HOW? Did the parents tell you with their own LIPS? My wife also wont believe anything OMW said. Also said, she gets to choose what to beleive. No one is surprised she is in denial. And why are you saying that "exposure not working?" You have the affairees scrambling and have brought the affair out into the open. How does that mean that "exposure is not working?"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My wife confronted me about messaging OM parents. Which means the OM's parents have confronted HIM about this and your wife and the OM are in damage control mode trying to shut you down. This is why you need to speak to them DIRECTLY.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The message they OM parents recieved gave them all the info they needed and obviously they read it. Idk what else i can do at this point. The pressure has been applied. I guess i wait n see what happens.. doing these things are doing so much damage to me. Everyone knows what they are doing. Seems like nobody but me truly cares.
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Exposure doesn't mean everybody knows.
Exposure means you tell everybody.
There is a difference.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The message they OM parents recieved gave them all the info they needed and obviously they read it. Idk what else i can do at this point. You can speak to the OM's parents and clear up the lies and spin that your wife and the OM are busily telling them. You have no earthly idea what they know or don't know and certainly can't say that they are endorsing the affair. Where would you get that idea? The pressure has been applied. I guess i wait n see what happens.. doing these things are doing so much damage to me. Everyone knows what they are doing. Seems like nobody but me truly cares. Your wife and the OM are telling their own versions of the truth, which is why you have to expose yourself. Have you spoken to your MIL and informed her the affair is still active? Is she endorsing and facilitating the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Exposure doesn't mean everybody knows.
Exposure means you tell everybody.
There is a difference.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And everyone has been exposed to my side and me wanting to save my marriage and asking for their help. What they have done with that information is up to them. I believe i have done what i can exposing this. Now i feels like i must wait for my wifes affair/relationship to die its death. And keep my relationship with her family strong to serve as a roadblock for OM, and focus on being DAD. im normally patient and while these circumstances are hard to wait out, feels like any more pressure will just ruin my lifelines with my wifes family as they are truly my family.
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I continually speak with all my wifes family on the issue MIL appears to being playing to both sides at times
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I commited 3 lovebusters in the 5 minutes i saw my wife this morning. Thats not me. The chips are on the table. Im not giving up on loving her, i need to also remain a safe option for her to return to someday
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I commited 3 lovebusters in the 5 minutes i saw my wife this morning. Thats not me. The chips are on the table. Im not giving up on loving her, i need to also remain a safe option for her to return to someday Can you be more specific? What were the love busters?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A few disrespectful judgements rolled into one angry outburst. Asked if she got off on being the other woman while hes still dicking his wife...etc
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In the book 'surviving an affair' my situation is just as bad as jon and sues. And my exposing of the affair on OM side of things, appears to have only strengthened their relationship, they can now rally against a crazy ex (me). What did jon do, or others like him and me, what did they do to stop from going literally insane during the months that his wife maintained a relationship with greg?
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In the book 'surviving an affair' my situation is just as bad as jon and sues. And my exposing of the affair on OM side of things, appears to have only strengthened their relationship, they can now rally against a crazy ex (me). What did jon do, or others like him and me, what did they do to stop from going literally insane during the months that his wife maintained a relationship with greg? Oh no, exposure has weakened their affair and put them in the position of having to defend themselves. You have created conflict. You don't understand what is happening behind the scenes and are assuming the worst. The affaires ALWAYS band together after exposure just like the folks on the sinking titanic clustered together while the ship sank. Exposure will hasten its death. Jon exposed the affair and then sat by and watched while it crumbled. He did go into plan b at some point, but they are together today.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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In the book 'surviving an affair' my situation is just as bad as jon and sues. And my exposing of the affair on OM side of things, appears to have only strengthened their relationship, they can now rally against a crazy ex (me). What did jon do, or others like him and me, what did they do to stop from going literally insane during the months that his wife maintained a relationship with greg? First, you only really have two options, Plan A or Plan B. Dr Harley would advise you, a BH, to Plan A for as long as you can tolerate it. Plan A means to present yourself as the best option by meeting her needs and avoiding lovebusters, while simultaneously doing what you can to put pressure on and kill the affair. When you can no longer tolerate Plan A, he would recommend Plan B (dark separation) but it is far too early for you to consider that.
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A few disrespectful judgements rolled into one angry outburst. Asked if she got off on being the other woman while hes still dicking his wife...etc THIS is definitely NOT Plan A. Do you feel you are presenting yourself as the best option here? No, instead you are working for Team OM and making him look like the best option. Is that what you want? Have you always spoken so disrespectfully to your wife? If not, why are you doing so now?
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In the book 'surviving an affair' my situation is just as bad as jon and sues. And my exposing of the affair on OM side of things, appears to have only strengthened their relationship, they can now rally against a crazy ex (me). What did jon do, or others like him and me, what did they do to stop from going literally insane during the months that his wife maintained a relationship with greg? Dr. Harley recommends anti-depressants for this time. They will help keep your head clear. Exercise and a proper diet did wonders for me.
Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
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In the book 'surviving an affair' my situation is just as bad as jon and sues. And my exposing of the affair on OM side of things, appears to have only strengthened their relationship, they can now rally against a crazy ex (me). What did jon do, or others like him and me, what did they do to stop from going literally insane during the months that his wife maintained a relationship with greg? While you are dealing with the stress of your wife's active affair, it would be a good idea to consider getting on antidepressants. Dr. Harley often recommends antidepressants during Plan A. The medicine will help even out your emotions. Plan A means avoiding all lovebusters. No disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts! Make sure you are a terrific husband.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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I have tried to think how i would implement plan B. Honestly im not sure i could or how. Right now im clinging to plan A. It is just so painful, it consumes my every thought. Nearly every day my wife slowly takes more of her stuff from our home. Piece by piece dismatling what i worked hard for. Today we sat down and discussed 'her' bills and essentially started drafting our decree, regarding debts bills and custody. Ive still been paying all of 'our bills'
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No my comments were out of character and pure emotion my taker took over. Its hard to be the good husband when my wife is not around anymore and ignores most of my communications. I apologized repeatedly about my comments. Up until that point, i had done my best to be very kind, making her coffee, chocolate treats when she seemed down.
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Also being good husband feels very much like enabling the affair, where is the line?
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Did you read the comments about anti-depressants?
Tell us what you've done while in Plan A?
Also, the line is you don't be a doormat and help her facilitate her affair in any way. Are you paying for anything that she uses to facilitate her affair? Then stop.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have tried to think how i would implement plan B. Honestly im not sure i could or how. Right now im clinging to plan A. It is just so painful, it consumes my every thought. Nearly every day my wife slowly takes more of her stuff from our home. Piece by piece dismatling what i worked hard for. Today we sat down and discussed 'her' bills and essentially started drafting our decree, regarding debts bills and custody. Ive still been paying all of 'our bills' You don't need to go into plan b until you have done plan a for about 6 months. I would not pay any of her bills, though. Pay your own household bills. It might be a good idea to visit a lawyer and work out a temporary financial and custodial arrangement so she doesn't wipe you out or harm you legally. You will get a better legal settlement now while she is fogged out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I never kicked her out, tried to make her 'time to think' as comfortable and safe at home, ive been paying all the 'bills'. She has been good about not using the family money for playing', but we shared cars, gas, etc. I was paying for every bill up until now. Like i said we started drafting a divorce decree, cutting of my assistance. gonna get things in some form of writing before his influence tries change her tone.
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No real updates, i have not heard a word from OMW since the day i exposed to her. Im thinking somehow he flipped the story against me, My wife seems to have more resolve about being with OM. They have stopped hiding their communications. And evidence suggests that my wifes been staying at his parents more regularly. Idk, this guy must be one hell of a liar to pull this off and get his wife to not talk to me.
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So i just reread unfaithful wife letter #5. And Dr. Harley recommended plan A, to compete with the lover in meeting his wifes needs, and continue to support her financially and emotionally. But on here it was recommended that i cut my wife off emotionally while in plan A. Is there a difference in context. I laid out that she was gonna have to rent my camper, pay; her vehicles insurance, gas, groceries, half her cell bill, half her health insurance premium, her medical bills, her own loans and credit cards, since shes not living at home and spending her free time with OM. Those bills add to $650/mth without gas n groceries and her new job may gross $900-$1000/mth. I felt bad doing so but felt it was also good method of pressuring the affair. Any of this seem harsh or counterproductive for plan A?
Last edited by Lostsnowflk; 09/16/16 09:36 AM.
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So i just reread unfaithful wife letter #5. And Dr. Harley recommended plan A, to compete with the lover in meeting his wifes needs, and continue to support her financially and emotionally. But on here it was recommended that i cut my wife off emotionally while in plan A. No, we didn't recommend you cut her off emotionally. We recommended you cut her off FINANCIALLY. Dr Harley does not recommend you continue to support your wife when she has moved out. ] Is there a difference in context. I laid out that she was gonna have to rent my camper, pay; her vehicles insurance, gas, groceries, half her cell bill, half her health insurance premium, her medical bills, her own loans and credit cards, since shes not living at home and spending her free time with OM. Those bills add to $650/mth without gas n groceries and her new job may gross $900-$1000/mth. I felt bad doing so but felt it was also good method of pressuring the affair. Any of this seem harsh or counterproductive for plan A? You did the perfect thing!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok thanks, i have not cut my wife off emotionally, in fact it sometimes feels like im overdoing it. Make her coffee before she arrives to take care of our kids, chocolates and cards if i know shes having a bad day. I love yous and hugs anytime we part for the day. Telling her our home will always be a safe place for her and that i miss her being around. Aprecciation when she does a chore in the house.
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I just reread my own post about cutting my wife off. I meant to say financially instead of emotionally. Sorry for the confusion. The brain isnt 100% these days
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Gotcha! Thanks for the clarification.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Is their a line between good husband and smothering? I try to keep doing the positive things i did as her husband, but ive also added some extra effort into some of the areas she noted that were lacking. Like household chores (kinda required since shes not there), appreciation/thank you notes for coming over to handle the kids morning routine and if she does dishes or laundry while there, fresh coffee ready for her (new habit), lots of good morning and good bye attention? Her sister believes these actions may be offputing currently. What do you guys think?
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Doing that stuff is a very good idea. You are supposed to attract her back.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My SIL point of veiw comes from her own experience when she broke up with her LTR for better things and returned later and built a stronger relationship, he tried everything to win her back, and it only enraged her and pushed her further away into another relationship with someone else for a few months. She thinks my actions to 'attract' my wife back are having the same effect, and definatly feels like it most of the time.
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My SIL point of veiw comes from her own experience when she broke up with her LTR for better things and returned later and built a stronger relationship, he tried everything to win her back, and it only enraged her and pushed her further away into another relationship with someone else for a few months. She thinks my actions to 'attract' my wife back are having the same effect, and definatly feels like it most of the time. Our point of view comes from Dr Bill Harley and our experience with thousands of couples on this forum for the past 15 years. Her husbands overtures did not "push her away" her affair did that. His actions left enough good feelings in her love bank to draw her back when her affair ended and that is our goal.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Being kind and attractive to your wife does not "push" women away. The only thing that "pushes" a woman away is an affair. And yes, a fogged out wayward can get upset at the kind treatment because it makes her 2nd guess her affair and confuses her. A WW NEEDS you to react with coldness and anger in order to justify her despicable behavior. She has been justofying her affair by demonizing you. When you are super nice, that ruins her plan.
In other words, your well meaning SIL doesn't know what she is talking about because she doesn't understand the dynamics at play here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok. You make sense, but to clarify. SIL did not have any type of affair. SIL actually proposed and he had more traditional views and didnt give her the immediate answer she hoped for, leaving her hurt. He then tried to propose two weeks later after she decided to end it. It was 4-6 months and one rebound boyfriend before they got back together, and she still gets upset about his proposal effort. I try to get as much insight as i can to help my situation. Thank you guys for your help as well, Mostly just keeping my head clear.
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Ok. You make sense, but to clarify. SIL did not have any type of affair. SIL actually proposed and he had more traditional views and didnt give her the immediate answer she hoped for, leaving her hurt. He then tried to propose two weeks later after she decided to end it. It was 4-6 months and one rebound boyfriend before they got back together, and she still gets upset about his proposal effort. I try to get as much insight as i can to help my situation. Thank you guys for your help as well, Mostly just keeping my head clear. Her dating situation has nothing to do with your situation. And you are right she didn't have an affair, she wasn't married. I am sure she means well but she has no insight or expertise in this situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Things have quieted down for now. Im trying to just get by, continue to 'attract' my wife be a good dad etc.. what is recommended i do about the marital home? As far as arrangement and how the home operates, basically the home is to my wifes likings as she did most of the work/decorating. Do i leave everything closest to familiar for now? Im afraid any changes brought on by me will signify my giving up...? But ive also thought about bringing in a roommate(same sex) to help and just someone to chat with when i get stuck in my head. Any thoughts
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I would not bring in a roommate.
You need to talk, you call a friend. You get out of the house. You invite a friend over. You occupy yourself some how, some way, some where. Hobby. Recreational activity. Workout.
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What is a good non pressure way to communicate to my wife, my desire to work on our marriage? I want to always be able to convey that message, over and over. And maybe it will eventually be heard
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What is a good non pressure way to communicate to my wife, my desire to work on our marriage? I want to always be able to convey that message, over and over. And maybe it will eventually be heard Do you communicate with her everyday?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes! I do my best to keep the lines open. I see her every weekday morning and nearly every afternoon because of the kids schedule. Sometimes we text throughout the day, somedays very little. granted im very careful to avoid discussing anything pertaining to "us" or "them" as she will then shut me out. Mostly trying to keep myself in the picture, via small talk. I assume on the quiet days OM is more available.
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I hate when i know my wife is spending time/night with him. I wake up knowing that even though she has the refuge of the camper at her moms, she spends every kid free night with him! Same clothes as yesterday, no shower, no sleep, when she shows up in the morning. How do i not think about it all the time?
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Have you talked with your doctor about ADs?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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No i havent had an opportunity during business hours. Doing alot of plate balancing keeping some kind of life together
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What i could really use are some links to success stories bith from BS and WS. I find comfort in knowing this battle can be won, and reading about others.
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Feels like my wife is doing anything she can to upset me, shutting me out, not telling me things important to our financials/kids, etc. These do not feel like any type of progress. Or is it?
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Feels like my wife is doing anything she can to upset me, shutting me out, not telling me things important to our financials/kids, etc. These do not feel like any type of progress. Or is it? You won't see any progress at all until the affair is over. The only thing you can do at this point is cause as much trouble as possible in the affair while avoiding lovebusters in your marriage. Focus on presenting yourself as the best option.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think fighting the urge of disrespectful judgements is probably the hardest part for me currently regarding lovebusters. Last night my wife took the camper bill without my knowledge, i asked she said she did since she will be paying for it. I expressed my point of veiw calmly, but at some point i made the comment that she "just does whatever she wants and im left wondering whats gone missing or happening".
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What i could really use are some links to success stories bith from BS and WS. I find comfort in knowing this battle can be won, and reading about others. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes i read the book cover to cover in one afternoon. And my wife is in sues shoes. Only greg is married and an expert manipulator lying to both sides. The more success stories to read the better for keeping my strength. Still reading through that post. Might take awhile!
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Well im about 30 pages into brains post. I realize my exposure wasnt the best, i trickled, then on day after got drawn into an argument tossing in some lovebusters. And promised to back off, With contacting OM parents. But the exposure message did reach them. Now its too late to fix my exposure methods. Currently i regularly discuss thing with my wifes mother, sister, dad, step dad. All of whom appear to be on my side,but they are cautious about pushing her away too though. She still hasnt talked to her dad or step dad directly but knows they know.
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I also have not confronted OM personally. Only left a voicemail on DDay telling him he better tell his wife. The sad part is i believed what my wife relayed was the result. That he had told his wife that day and she up and left him. And i never reached out to her until last week.
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Did you expose to OM's BW?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes i did last week, we texted all day, and then never heard from her again. He caught wind, left work early to go see her and that was the last i heard from her. I suspect he managed to flip the story on to me.
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And promised to back off, With contacting OM parents. You promised your wife to back off from contacting the OM's parents?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My message reached them, but they chose to ignore anyway so i said id back off OM parents, But that i would stay in touch with OM wife as i saw fit who noted that his parents seem to condone this behavior as they were both serial cheaters. And im in regular contact with my wifes family. My wifes sister is probably my 'strongest' alli, but she was against me getting OM parents involved, as she is not informed about 'exposure'. So i figured i could lay off that avenue to keep my wifes family on side, since it appeared no help could be garnered from his parents
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My message reached them, but they chose to ignore anyway so i said id back off OM parents, Is there a valid reason why you would say this? You absolutely should not back off until you have spoken to them. So i figured i could lay off that avenue to keep my wifes family on side, since it appeared no help could be garnered from his parents Ok, but you can't know that until you have spoken to them. This is why I told you to stick to it until you had spoken to them. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by contacting them. You can't assume you will know their reaction.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think ive done enough to crack the affair, but i think it only increased my wifes resolve to leave me. Shes been accelerating our seperation. Is she chasing him harder now? Did she end it with him but doesnt want to be with me? Nobody knows!
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I think ive done enough to crack the affair, but i think it only increased my wifes resolve to leave me. Shes been accelerating our seperation. Is she chasing him harder now? Did she end it with him but doesnt want to be with me? Nobody knows! I don't agree you have done enough to crack the affair if you haven't spoken to his parents. That could be a great opportunity and for some ODD reason she doesn't want you to speak to them. Why would that be the case if they supposedly "don't care?" Why NOT speak to them?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why was she forcing you to "back off" exposure to his parents?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Facebook has indicators regarding if a message has been seen. And my wife asked why i contacted them. So the message reached them. People searches havent uncovered contact info, and OM wife did not want to disclose their info. OMW behavior seems odd too. So im guessing i got spun, and i cant outrun their lies to OM side. But i can make sure my wifes family will never welcome him. I made a promise and i want to show that i will stick by a promise as i havent been perfect at upholding some in the past
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Facebook has indicators regarding if a message has been seen. And how do you know they saw it? If the OM knew you were exposing, he could have easily deleted the messages. And if they did see them, then what is wrong with speaking to them? I made a promise and i want to show that i will stick by a promise as i havent been perfect at upholding some in the past What was the promise?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She didnt force. I lost my cool, her sister thought i crossed the line. 'they are all adults, let them deal screw things up.' kind of thought. I guess i backed off out of fear and made a promise because of it
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She didnt force. I lost my cool, her sister thought i crossed the line. 'they are all adults, let them deal screw things up.' kind of thought. I guess i backed off out of fear and made a promise because of it So, that "promise" should not be kept. The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. It is insane to not contact his parents. That might very well be the nail in the coffin of the affair. You have no legitimate reason to not follow through on this. You can't afford to allow yourself to be punked into dumb ideas. That is really cute that her WISE sister thinks it is not "adult," but it is not her ox getting gored, is it? She knows absolutely NOTHING about saving a marriage and here you are taking bad advice from her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wifes sister said my actions 'cased more ammo' against me being the knight in shining armor when the affair fails
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Wifes sister said my actions 'cased more ammo' against me being the knight in shining armor when the affair fails DR HARLEY SAYS EXPOSURE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FIRST STEP TOWARDS RECOVERY. I would ask the sister where she got her degree in psychology. How many marriages has she saved from infidelity? What is her experience? Dr Harley posts his credentials here. here Will she post hers?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wifes sister said my actions 'cased more ammo' against me being the knight in shining armor when the affair fails She is an idiot.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What if my wife is starting to exit the affair. Wont that tarnish my standing with her. I did reread the text, i did say 'no guarantees' because it was in my nature.
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Every saved marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What if my wife is starting to exit the affair. Wont that tarnish my standing with her. I did reread the text, i did say 'no guarantees' because it was in my nature. See, you have different goals than we do. Your goal is to avoid her anger at all cost, ours is to save your marriage. Our goal is to give you the best chance at saving your marriage. Avoiding her anger will not save your marriage. We already saved our marriages, you see.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not putting her knowledge above you guys. She just pointed out the risks im taking. We are both convinced this affair wont last. And i hate to alienate a family alli.
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What if my wife is starting to exit the affair. Wont that tarnish my standing with her. the AFFAIR is tarnishing your standing with your wife. We can't help you if the affair doesn't end. That is why we are trying to help oyu kill the affair. But you are ignoring our advice and taking the bad advice of the sister who has never saved a single marriage in her life.  Does that make any damn sense to you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not putting her knowledge above you guys. She just pointed out the risks im taking. We are both convinced this affair wont last. And i hate to alienate a family alli. How many marriages has she saved? Where did she get her PhD?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She just pointed out the risks im taking. Please tell us these "risks."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Any ways i can pressure the affair that dont lead back to me?
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The risk of not being the one she falls back to when the affair ends
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Any ways i can pressure the affair that dont lead back to me? You can't save a marriage acting like a pansy. You have to be loud and proud of your exposures so you can take full credit for them. You should make damn sure everyone knows you exposed and stood up for your marriage. Stop acting like there is something wrong with exposure. There is something wrong with cheating, there is nothing wrong with exposure. Did you read the thread brainhurts linked for you; wifedivorcing's thread? Do you think that guy acted like a pansy? NO, he did not. And he saved his marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The risk of not being the one she falls back to when the affair ends That is very likely to happen due to your timid and weak approach to exposure. The longer the affair goes on, the more entrenched. The more entrenched, the less likely she will come back to you. That is the "wise" sisters plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have been reading through the thread about 40 pages in. thats when i realize i messed up my exposure. One big difference is my wife admitted to the affair and hasnt denied it since dday. Isnt the window lost now?
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You should finish your exposures now. You absolutely can't afford to be timid about this. And you have to stop taking bad advice from enablers. They won't suffer the effects of their bad advise, you will.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Finish? Only way i can expose to OM parents is facebook. Do i just resend same message?
Hello my name is H. For the last 6-8 months OM has been having a sexual affair with my wife WS. I have been trying to save my marriage since i found out late july. I ask that you use any influence you may have to get OM to leave WS alone so that we may have a chance to put our family back together."
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Finish? Only way i can expose to OM parents is facebook. Do i just resend same message? " What other ways could you reach them? And why did you promise to "back off" if that is the case? Back off HOW?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Exposure is like antibiotics. You'd better take your pills as prescribed in a short period of time instead of taking one pill today and maybe one half next week. It just doesn't have the effect yoy want, even if eventually you took all the pills.
Best exposure is one big blow. You won't feel better instantly, but it is your best chance to kill the infection/affair and get healthy again.
An affair is far worse than a nasty infection. This plan is your best cure.
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Recruited a friend for some recon on the names and possible locations of the parents. Turns my gut into knots doing this. While breifing him, we did find that OM sister whom i also sent an exposure message to has blocked anyone from seeing her friends..
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People finder that i paid for, only offered a couple addresses, which i wrote down but didnt persue per "backing off". Sent my friend to look and keep an eye out for OM vehicle at those addresses. If he finds a connection, ill deliver a letter,or show up and expose
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What other methods are you using to find them? Have you tried google? Whitepages.com?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Those were the first choices. The site i used is one my mom used during her divorce of her cheating husband. And what she uses at her work office to when she snoops on a new employees. Best i got was a few possible addresses
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So my foggy wife has been acting wierder than her normal fog. Last week i did my exposure sunday into monday. She was very upset with me about it, calling me childish and what not, i got pulled into committing some love busters. Well starting at that point she and OM quit hiding their communications via facebook, and went back to phone calls and texting 24/7. I have still been doing my best plan A. Well the last 3 days her mood has changed, so i looked into the phone history. Their communications stopped yesterday morning. She spent some extra time texting her mom. But her attitude toward me has been just as cold if not colder last 3 days, she even stopped saying thank you for things ive done, like make breakfast before she arrived, or prepped her favorite homemade pancake mix. What does melody think is happening?
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She and OM probably have found another way to communicate. She has no reason to end her affair. Just assume the affair is still alive and stick to your Plan A.
Updates on reaching his parents?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But why, they have nothing to hide from me, my wife doesnt deny being in constant contact and that she wants to be with him. They may be back to facebook messaging but why, hour long nightime phone calls and about 3000 texts over the last week and a half. Another hour phone call did take place last night i guess but no texting with each other since yesterday morning. Just seems weird. I know not to expect any acknowledgement of plan A activities, but didnt not expect acknowledgement to decrease, while she accelerates taking (her) stuff from the house. Do i try and reach OMW again or resend message to parents? My wife still hasnt talked with her dads, even ignoring the one regarding her upcoming birthday.
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But why, they have nothing to hide from me, my wife doesnt deny being in constant contact and that she wants to be with him. But why would she stop? She has no reason to stop her affair. Do i try and reach OMW again or resend message to parents? I would try and reach his parents directly as I have explained before.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have no numbers to reach them, i have a friend checking on two addresss but not sure how to validate if they reside at these addresses except a description of their sons car possibly showing up. Im not sure why they took their messaging 'back underground' if thats what they did.
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I have no numbers to reach them, What have you done to find their numbers? i have a friend checking on two addresss but not sure how to validate if they reside at these addresses except a description of their sons car possibly showing up. Im not sure why they took their messaging 'back underground' if thats what they did. Have YOU checked those addresses? What happens when you knock on the door?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have my kids with me most of the time, and theirs a good chance they recognize my car and its sound. I want to confront OM as well possibly with either FIL as a witness. Maybe FIL could join me in door knocking... But no kid free chance until next week also should get a VAR. OMW has not replied to me.
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I paid for number and address searches online and only turned up 2 addresses.
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I paid for number and address searches online and only turned up 2 addresses. But you don't seem to be acting on that. There is no use in gathering information if you won't use it. You need to be much more proactive. You can't save a marriage if you are this complacent.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How do i handle my frustratiin this morning. My wife did not show up to watch our kids. Shes been staying up late with hour long phone conversations to OM. And now shes overslept, costing me a day of work. She did not answer when i called her cell to wake her. I dont want to commit any lovebusters when she either shows or texts.
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When she texted about waking late, i merely texted 'OK'. When she arrived i said good morning. Asked about her sore throat. Then went into the fact she 'seems stretched thin' she warned it would happen if she was to have later hours. I said 'things could be easier if she ended her affair came home and we work on our marriage.' Her response was 'its not just your (my) decision, cant force live if its not there'. I cant figure out what i did so horrific that she has no more romantic love for me, when we had sex up to the night before DDay. Is this a lost case. She never engages me at all except business, when i hug her she stands and waits for it to be over..
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I cant figure out what i did so horrific You may or may not have done something horrific. It wouldn't matter, Lost, she's in the fog. when i hug her she stands and waits for it to be over.. If she isn't engaging you in a hug then I don't think trying to is a good idea. You have to try to fill the needs she will let you, which may be none while she's in affair-land.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Exactly, im pretty sure i know her EN. But currently she lets me fill none. The only thing i got is being superdad and upkeeping the house. Its like shes trying to planB me, for her new man. As i keep reading through WD thread, i did notice how my wife is trying the slip away quietly unnoticed with a quiet divorce, she hasnt filed, but doesnt want lawyers, or me paying for child support/alimony. She wants it wuick n simple... If she ever files.
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So now my wife had some new fire today. I brought home some throat lozenges for her sore throat, and some roses as part of my weekly appreciation for her getting up early to watch kids at my place, On top of the homemade pancake mix. When she left this afternoon she intentionally left it all on the counter. I asked if she was taking any with her, she said no. I also noticed a peice of paper with some phone numbers written down. They corresponded to my phone records. So shes pissed im being nice, and snooping on my phone records... What gives.
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So now my wife had some new fire today. I brought home some throat lozenges for her sore throat, and some roses as part of my weekly appreciation for her getting up early to watch kids at my place, On top of the homemade pancake mix. When she left this afternoon she intentionally left it all on the counter. I asked if she was taking any with her, she said no. I also noticed a peice of paper with some phone numbers written down. They corresponded to my phone records. So shes pissed im being nice, and snooping on my phone records... What gives. If I were you, I would replace that piece of paper with a complete record containing all the information you can about each phone call. If she asks, tell here that you noticed she was curious, and so you wanted to satisfy her curiosity.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I dont want to tip her off on my snooping. The garbage can yeild useful info. Dont need her getting clever. They were all local businesses. My work (because she made me late friday), my lawyer(for consult and so she couldnt hire), my doctor, and a jeweler(has an archery shop in the back). She must be confused! Not sure why shes flat out rejecting nice gestures...
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My current plan A is
-Even though she barely responds to my texts, never leave her waiting for my response more than a few minutes. That way every time shes waiting for OM to reply to her, she can see im ready for a response..
-Stay in constant contact with WW immediate family, for intel, and blocking OM from joining the family.
-Avoid lovebusters (cool head)
-Be SuperDAD
-Keep the house in better order than she did.
Affection is one of my wifes biggest needs, i think the hugs and I love you's do work for her, but i think shes "concioussly" trying to be cold about them, or feels like if she reciprocated as a form of cheating on OM.
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My current plan A is
-Even though she barely responds to my texts, never leave her waiting for my response more than a few minutes. That way every time shes waiting for OM to reply to her, she can see im ready for a response..
-Stay in constant contact with WW immediate family, for intel, and blocking OM from joining the family.
-Avoid lovebusters (cool head)
-Be SuperDAD
-Keep the house in better order than she did.
Affection is one of my wifes biggest needs, i think the hugs and I love you's do work for her, but i think shes "concioussly" trying to be cold about them, or feels like if she reciprocated as a form of cheating on OM. The most critical part of Plan A is EXPOSURE. You have skipped many aspects of that step. So all the steps you listed will be a waste of time. Plan A without exposure is futile. I realize you "promised" to help her hide the affair, but that is a promise that cannot be kept. You had a small chance at recovery and I see the odds getting smaller and smaller by the day.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Affection is one of my wifes biggest needs, i think the hugs and I love you's do work for her, but i think shes "concioussly" trying to be cold about them, or feels like if she reciprocated as a form of cheating on OM. As long as the affair is alive and well, her lovebank is closed to you. This is why killing the affair is so critical to recovery. I understand her enabler sister told you to "back off," but it is not her ox getting gored here. IT IS YOURS. You are paying dearly for that bad advice. I have been on this forum every day for 15 years and exposure gives you about a 50/50 chance if it is done early and done thoroughly. It is absolutely the BEST weapon in saving a marriage. Dragging it out and/or doing trickle exposures takes the odds down much further. There is nothing - absolutely nothing - that even comes close to the effectiveness of exposure on saving a marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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2 addresses down. No luck, one was a dental office, the other was the dentists home. I also tried recontacting OMW, with no luck, no response back to me. OMW also 'liked' OM sisters vacation photos 3days after i exposed to both OMW and OMS.
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if you cant get names and contact info there pay for services on the internet
that does not work hire a pi
time is critical
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2 addresses down. No luck, one was a dental office, the other was the dentists home. I also tried recontacting OMW, with no luck, no response back to me. OMW also 'liked' OM sisters vacation photos 3days after i exposed to both OMW and OMS. What about the OM sister? Have you tried reaching out to her? Can you send her a message and ask her to have the parents call you about the affair? I am concerned you are not taking this seriously because you were told to "back off." Is that the case? If that is the case, I don't see much hope here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OMS was sent a message, no response, she later blocked access to anyone seeing her friends list.
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How to converse with wife when she wants to change/modify our verbal custody arrangement and we dont agree
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How to converse with wife when she wants to change/modify our verbal custody arrangement and we dont agree Through lawyer only.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Nothing has been filed. I wont file this early, and i havent been served either, she seems to want that slip away quietly divorce where everybody agrees, and all are happy!
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And exposure gets thrown in my face! Telling me i sugarcoated my side while telling poeple what shes done! And yes i my side seems sugarcoated to those contacted via facebook. But ive given full confession to those closest to the situation.
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And exposure gets thrown in my face! Telling me i sugarcoated my side while telling poeple what shes done! And yes i my side seems sugarcoated to those contacted via facebook. But ive given full confession to those closest to the situation. Ok, the point of exposure is not to burden people with all your dirty laundry but to ask for help with her affair. We don't care if it gets thrown in your face, obviously your WW and her enablers will not approve.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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