The advice we give to expose comes from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for 45 years. He is the author of Survving an Affair.

NOT exposing the affair makes it much less likely you will save your marriage because keeping it a secret enables the affair.

So I feel that I am near my breaking point. She is still texting this guy all the time. Everyone here says to expose. My question is: Is exposing really the right thing to do when our marriage was pretty bad due to my neglecting her for a couple years before her affair started?

YES.

YES!!

In case this doesn't go well for me I am thinking I will get our finances legally separated while she is in the amicable mood. Would you all agree?

NO! We would tell you to do this if we thought it was necessary. WE are pretty thorough and have done this one or two times.

Wold you mind giving me an explanation as to why you feel it isn't necessary? Currently she is content taking half of our joint checking/saving accounts and leaving the house equity, and all retirement accounts alone. If she wants she could easily push for half of the house equity, and all retirement accounts.

Please don't think I am disagreeing with you, as you guys have all of the experience. I am truly just intrigued by what your viewpoint is and how you came to it.

Explain to me why this would be necessary.

Right now I can have an amicable legal separation of finances where she will get half of our checking and savings and leave everything else alone. When I expose she may not be quite so willing to be amicable about the financial separation demanding much, much more than just the checking and savings. We are talking an extremely significant amount of money. So it's my thinking that it would be wise to protect my financial interests before stirring the pot. Now would you mind giving me your viewpoint? I'm sure your viewpoint is extremely valid with all of the experience you possess.

But we not advocating separation. AT ALL. The goal here is to save your marriage. We would coach you to not even talk about it. If she cleaned out your finances, she would just have to put it back.

I want to make another point and that is that you have been here for 2 weeks now and are no further along than when you arrived. You have had the evidence of her affair for several days and still have not exposed. This needs to be wrapped up so you can move onto next steps.

Have you read the exposure 101 thread in my signature? Have you put together a list of targets?

We are separating whether I like it or not. She signs the lease on an apartment today. So not advocating separation in my scenario is a moot point...we ARE separating. With this fact now known, I will be supporting the separation by FINANCING it. Even though emotionally and morally I do not support it.

Yes I have read your exposure 101 thread. She will be on a hiking trip with her sister this weekend, and I plan to make the list this weekend, including taking screenshots of all of her facebook friends before starting that one.

As to why I haven't moved any further along: Obviously I am not as strong as most of the people that visit this site. I am so conflicted on if it is or isn't the right decision...So I am still weighing everything out.

lostaf, you have to ask yourself what you want.

If you follow your plan you are advocating for a divorce and are trying to minimize your financial losses.

What is it that what you truly want? The money or your wife?

I'd say you truly want to be with your wife and wish to have a happy and romantic relationship. You can have that no matter what you may be feeling right now. If you decide that is what you really want then I'd suggest you stop your plan immediately and follow the advice you are getting here because it gives you your best shot of getting you what you want.

You're in a bad spot I get that. That is why I strongly encourage you to let these great people guide you through this. If you aren't aware the posters that are chatting with you have done this hundreds IF NOT thousands of times. We've seen a lot of success around here for those that follow the plan and those successes came because of these great people.

The only thing you are risking is not settling for more than half of what you own financially. Small price to pay for happiness I would think. I say you should give this your best shot.

Gotcha, can you move your money asap?


One correction, you should expose to the OM's facebook friends, not necessarily hers. You will expose to her family and close friends, but try to do this on a personal level, ie: phone call or email. You may have to resort to facebook but it should be rare.


Did you read Dr Harley's comments about exposure? You do realize he has 45 years of professional experience with infidelity? Those of us who are posting to you saved our own marriages using these tactics. Exposure is not guarantee, but it does give you the best chance of recovery. Keeping the affair a secret guarantees that you will most likely divorce because affairs thrive on secrecy.

It is hard to put aside emotions in these situations, but you are more likely to have a successful outcome if you can do that.

I would close with the suggestion that strength is a choice. We were ALL AFRAID. Strength comes from choosing to take action in spite of fear.

I can't really move money without getting attorney involved.

Also, I forgot to mention that she ACTUALLY admitted that she has feelings for someone else! She texted me 2 days ago and said "Do you really think we can continue when I clearly have feelings for someone else?"

I was dumbfounded....but I forgot to tell you guys this.

lostaf, I don't really see why that is important. Clearly we already know she has feelings for someone else if she is having an active affair?

Bottom line, you need to decide if you want to FIGHT for your marriage or just cut your losses and run. My WW took $3,000 from our joint account to retain a lawyer and actually served me with divorce papers. I STILL didn't give up and fought for my marriage. I heard all sorts of fog babble about us being incompatible, she never really loved me, she has been unhappy for X amount of years, etc... You just need to see through all of this and put your focus on the goal of saving your marriage.

I didn't find this site and it's wonderful advice until later in the affair. But, I was able to use the advice here to END the affair and get our marriage on the mend. You have to think "big picture" and follow the "tried and true" plan here exactly as stated. It works and what else do you have to lose at this point? Money is nothing without happiness!

Has she left that job, Tech_Man?

You're not taking our advice, and the affair has not ended, if she hasn't done that.

This is what concerned me when you said it because I view this as another delaying tactic. Actually you CAN move your own money. You should not waste any more time delaying exposure.


Yes, we could have told you this.

Wow, the things your wife said are the EXACT things my wife has said...although she added the whole "I've been thinking about kids for the past year or so and I know that I don't want to have them with you".

On the money topic...if it was only a few thousand dollars I wouldn't be concerned at all...but we are talking nearly 100 times that amount...

Thanks for your testament to these methods!

Either move the money [which you don't need a lawyer for ] or don't. But you need to take action.