Hello, I'm new to the site, I wish I would have found this website when I found out about my husbands first affair. However after reading through everything on infidelity, I have finally been able to understand some of these gut wrenching emotions I feel.

I suppose I'll just jump right into what has been going on. Back in November I found out that my husband had been having an affair for two years. He didn't tell me, I had suspected for quite a long time, but never had any solid proof it was happening, every time I would mention my feelings, usually after seeing he had been texting or messaging this woman, he always had an excuse, I knew deep down he was lying, but again no solid proof, and my mind would go, "ok, he said no". The dishonesty was driving me insane, for the longest time I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, I even considered medication, turns out, according to Dr. Harley, honesty doesn't drive a person insane, dishonesty does. Makes sense, finally makes sense. Its been 10 months, we've been working on our marriage trying to feel each others needs, yet I didn't really know what my emotional needs were and I know my husband doesn't really know what his emotional needs are, which is probably why we are back to square one. After reading Basic Concepts and taking the emotional needs questionnaire, I am finally able to identify what emotional needs I need from my spouse. Good, that's great, I truly do want my marriage to work.
Here's where things got sticky, Friday night I received a message asking for my number, it was a different woman he had an affair with, she wanted to come clean and apologize for sleeping with my husband. We talked and it wasn't the most pleasant news to hear, but I didn't once over react, say mean things, or act nasty to this woman in any way, heck I even thanked her for her honesty. See, I truly value honesty, I know the truth can be hurtful, but I agree with Dr. Harley 100%, the lies and dishonesty hurts more. Naturally I asked my husband about it and once again he lied, said nothing happened with OW2, eventually he told the truth. He reassured me that he has been faithful for these past 10 months hasn't had contact with either one of these women. This part I believe.
Saturday when he got home from work, we talked a little more, I wont lie it got a little heated, because I know in my gut there has been more women, of course he was reluctant to tell me, which is why it got heated, finally he confessed how many, the number is 5, ok good, the truth is finally out. Am I upset, yes, but I also feel like this great weight and burden have finally been lifted off my shoulders. I told my husband, thank you for being honest finally, now we can finally start the real work to save our marriage, but only if we both want our marriage to work, he says he does, lets hope that's true. After he confessed to his multiple affairs, it must of made him feel better too, because he want to be honest about it all, which is good. So he tells me about the 3rd OW, told me her name, which again I suspected because I heard rumors of her telling mutual friends of ours she was in love with him. I talked with him about her when I heard these rumors and asked him to please end all contact because it makes me very uncomfortable and if we are working on our marriage she can not be a part of it, this was back in February, so he did, he blocked her on social media and changed his cell number. This was a great step for us, made me feel like I was important to him. So Saturday he finally tells me the truth about her and that he has been talking with her on the phone for the past few months, this is very upsetting to me, how can we be rebuilding trust and our marriage if he is still lying to, he may not be sleeping with her, he says they are just friends, after I found out for sure this Saturday of this affair, I told him, he cannot be friends with a woman, any woman he has cheated on me with, he had to pick our marriage or their friendship, again he says he wants our marriage more than a friendship with her, ok good, do I believe him, not just yet, but if he takes the steps and follows through with never contacting her again, I can move forward. As you can imagine, Saturday was a long and emotional draining day, we decided to get out of the house for a little bit, kids are gone all weekend, lets go spend some time together and stop talking about this for now. There was a festival in town so we went to that, checked out the booths, ate some yummy food, and just spent time together outside in the sun. This was a very pleasant distraction for the moment, until he comes up to me and says "baby, don't get upset," Me "I'll try, what happened now", with a smile on my face. He told me the 3rd OW was there, which was a big surprise because she moved away over a year ago, obviously she was in town visiting, and the day he comes clean, we run into her, talk about a test of self control. I did not get angry or upset, whatever I think to myself at this point, I tell him no worries right now, lets just continue to enjoy our day and our time together. This was easy said then done and here's why. We live in a small town, small town equals small festival, so of course we end up passing her multiple times that day and every time we crossed her path, she gave me the "I hate you look" along with the death and dagger eyes. Glaring at me, like I was the one who hurt her, this I did not and do not like, but I kept myself together, no need to feed into her disillusioned thoughts. Which brings me to my first question, shouldn't I be the one giving her the death stare? I didn't have an affair with her husband, I didn't threaten her marriage, I didn't try to take her husband away from her family, she did all these things to me, with no regards to my feelings whatsoever, and yet she's the one giving me death stares, classy. Maybe this is insensitive of me to say, but I could care less what her feelings are and how hurt she may feel because the affair ended, I just don't care about her or what happens to her in life, I hope Karma has fun with her, that's how I feel.

So far there is 3 OW, but the total is actually 5 OW, I wouldn't be surprised if there ends up being a few more, as we do the work suggested by Dr. Harley. The other 2 are one night stands, at least that's the story he's tell me for now. We've been together for 9 years, married 7 1/2 years of the 9 years, and he's been having affairs for roughly 5 years of our marriage. I am extremely hurt by this, I'm pretty sure I'm still in shock, because I don't have a lot of emotions about it, good or bad, I got angry once and raised my voice at him during our heated argument, but that's it. I just don't know how to feel.

I just found this website yesterday and everything finally came out this past weekend, it is all very fresh, and my husband says he wants to do the work Dr. Harley suggests, and that's great, but I've been lied to for so long, how can I believe him. I'm torn, part of me thinks he'll never change, his Taker will always be in charge, it has been this whole time, and the other part of me doesn't want to give up on my marriage, he can change, he loves me, don't walk away just yet. Do I just flip a coin and have faith that whatever side is up is the right decision.

I'm not expecting anyone to give me the answers to my questions, I'm just really in need of support right now. I know I should tell my friends and family, but I do not want to hear their negative opinions, and they will all tell me to leave and say horrible, hateful things about him. That is not supportive to me.

Thanks for reading, it really did help to get it all out.

T

Welcome to MB.

Do you have kids together? How old are they? Has either of you been married before? Do you have kids from other relationships?

Thank you

We don't have any children together, I have a 15 year old daughter, he has a 18 year old son and an 11 year old daughter. I have been married once before, he has never been married before.

TB

Who are these OW? How does he meet them?

Are any of them married? Have you read the exposure thread? Have you made an appointment to be tested?

Your WH is a serial cheater and you have no children together. Do you want to save this marriage?

As far as I know so far, only one OW was married, and he meets these OW through social media and some he's known since before we got together. When I found out in November I got tested, test came back negative, thank goodness. I'm not sure if I want to save the marriage, I'm back and forth about it still.

TB

Oh boy, this is a very dangerous situation. Is he still on social media? Do you have spyware on his phone?

How does he meet these women? Is he actively trolling for action on social media?

Have you informed her husband?

From what I know her husband found out shortly after the affair started and he ended the marriage.

Yes he is still on social media, I don't have spy ware on is phone, I have thought about it, and after reading Exposure 101, I don't feel bad about invading his privacy and I will be putting it on his phone.

I know he meets a lot of these women through work too, and when I say work, I mean his second job, which is a karokee and D jaying for local events, such as weddings, grad parties, etc. He's also a musician, plays the drums, once a month "his band", plays at a local bar. I know what you must be thinking, perfect setting for an affair to happen, over and over again, which is what has been happening. Last night I found out that 1 OW was a fan/groupie and would be at every gig "his band" played.

So that is where you should start. He needs to be informed - by you - all about the affair. It is very unlikely her husband even knows. I would also expose his affairs to your family and friends. Every one should know. Use the exposure tactics mentioned on my exposure thread.


In addition to QUIETLY placing spyware on his phone, I would demand TODAY that he eliminate all social media. He should never have access to social media again. I would replace his phone with a flip phone that does not accommodate apps or the internet. That is the only way you are safe.


He should quit doing that altogether. Any avenues should closed down.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you, I just finished reading exposure 101, although I still have reservations about telling family and friends, I understand now how important this step is if I want our marriage to be successful. I will start taking action today on all suggestions you have given me.

Again thank you, I'll keep you posted on my progress. I truly appreciate the positive support I have received from this community.

TB

good girl!!

"Your WH is a serial cheater and you have no children together."

This brings up another question, I know I have to be the one to make the best decision for me and ultimately answer all my questions myself, but can a "serial cheater" ever truly change their ways forever?

I know I probably won't have an answer to this question until we start working the steps Dr. Harley suggests, I'm just not sure, at this moment, if it will be a waste of time. I suppose, regardless of what the outcome of my marriage is, this will not be wasted time, and if my marriage does end, at least I will have a better understanding of myself and my emotional needs. Which I will take with me throughout the rest of my life.

It will take radical changes to eliminate all possibility of him cheating.

If you haven't already read up on the extraordinary precautions now would be a good time. Waywards have had to make career changes and/or work side by side with their partners, etc to eliminate the ability for the serial cheater to cheat.

YES. But I seriously doubt he will change. Will he give up all social media? Will he switch to a flip phone? Will he quit his bar job and completely affair proof your marriage? He will have to make such a radical change in his life that it will be impossible to cheat. Will he do that?

If not, welcome to your future because this will all happen again. Basically, you cannot trust him out of your sight.


Put aside the questionnaires and focus 1000% on affair proofing your marriage. There won't be a marriage until it is affair proofed. This is the sinking Titanic. It is good to paint the walls and decorate the cabins, but you must FIRST right the sinking ship.

Let us know what his response is to all the EPs MelodyLane has told you about.

Also here for you to read and listen to the radio clips in the thread.
Serial Cheaters

Thank you all that have responded to my post so far, I appreciate and welcome all opinions and suggestions.

Brainhurts, I will be sure to keep you all informed of his responses to everything, I'm so pleased to have such a wonderful community to help me through this difficult time. Thank you all!!

Your husband is a serial cheater who is out trolling for action. He also has a lifestyle that is 100% set up to have repeated affairs. He would have to completely change his lifestyle and be accountable to you in every way at all times for the rest of his life, for you to be safe from affairs.

This, to me, would be a tremendous amount of work, even if he fully agreed to it and put 100% effort into doing it. And I have never seen a serial cheater put in that effort in the many years I have been on these boards. Either they cherry pick the EP's, or they do what is necessary to keep their spouse happy until the dust settles, and then slowly start to chip away at EP's until there is room for another affair.

Hopefully he is the exception, but prepare for him not to be.

Update:

It has been a long and tiresome weekend, I tried many times to with my H, and every time, he made up a reason as why now wasn't a good time. Then I suggested we set some time aside in the next day or two to discuss what should be done. He said nothing at first, and then asked what else needs to be talked about, he was sorry and now knows how wrong he was, and he'll never do anything again to hurt me. When I suggested ideas, such as, getting a flip flop, changing his number, closing all social media accounts, and quit his second job, he refused to do any of these things, and said I would just have to trust he will do the right thing from here on out. When I expressed I can simply not trust he will forever do the right thing, especially if you are unwilling to make any changes I suggested. He got frustrated and said I can believe what I want, and there's nothing he can do to change that.

That was it, end of discussion he walked away and we haven't spoken about it since. When do I implement plan B? I feel that needs to be done, since he doesn't want to discuss this any more, how can we work on anything, if he refuses to talk. I can no longer sit in this limbo stage, and I feel I should move on to plan B for my own emotional well-being.

TB

You are absolutely correct. I would first work on getting him to move out. Ask him to move out and help him pack his things. Once he is moved out, you can change the locks and go into Plan B. Are you familiar with Plan B?