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Originally Posted by Daceman7
Excellent point. What should I do if she wants to go out? Also, I'm going to ask her tonight if we could go to the apple orchard. If she says no, I don't know how to handle it. I'm going to make sure the kids arent there, so they dont get their hopes up. But I can't strong arm her into going.

If she wants to go out, tell her that is a great idea! You will find a babysitter and suggest a nice restaurant for dinner.

If she says no to the apple orchard, ask her if there is a different night she would want to go. If she says no, ask her if she wants to go buy apples at the store and make caramel apples with the kids.

The point here is: keep asking. Keep doing nice things, keep trying to do nice things. Keep being pleasant and fun.

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Get a sitter for the kids and take her out. If it's time she's available, you will be at the Orchard while she hangs out with the other guy. Is that what you want?

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I canceled going to my brothers tonight, although she doesn't know yet. One of the walls I'm coming up against is she saying she wants space, and I'm not respecting her request for space. If I text her during the day she rarely gets back to me, and when she does it's one-word answers. I think I've texted her every day at some point asking how she was, and all I get back is good. If she says I'm going out and I say that sounds great, lets go. She will say she wants to be alone. She doesn't want to spend time with me and if I make her, go in the same room as her when we are home, she is resentful.

But let's say she does go out, and I have someone watch my kids so I can check on her, and I find her with OM, how do I handle that.

Also, I feel shady myself because I have my own phone password protected. I've been talking to my friends about it for emotional support and fear if she tries to look at my phone, finds it locked, she will have proof, in her own mind, that I am doing something, even when all I want is to be able to talk to my friends about my own mistakes and her current affair

Last edited by Daceman7; 10/11/16 12:27 PM.
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Originally Posted by Daceman7
Also, I feel shady myself because I have my own phone password protected. I've been talking to my friends about it for emotional support and fear if she tries to look at my phone, finds it locked, she will have proof, in her own mind, that I am doing something, even when all I want is to be able to talk to my friends about my own mistakes and her current affair

For a man who has had multiple affairs, this IS shady.


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Originally Posted by Daceman7
One of the walls I'm coming up against is she saying she wants space, and I'm not respecting her request for space. If I text her during the day she rarely gets back to me, and when she does it's one-word answers. I think I've texted her every day at some point asking how she was, and all I get back is good. If she says I'm going out and I say that sounds great, lets go. She will say she wants to be alone. She doesn't want to spend time with me and if I make her, go in the same room as her when we are home, she is resentful.

ALL people involved in an affair say they want space. They want space to conduct their affair without your intervening. You should not respect this as it is harmful to your wife and to your marriage.

You are right that you can't control her. You can't force her to not do something or to do something, if she doesn't want to. But you can respectfully request. Even if she says no, or throws flowers in the trash, or rips love notes to shreds, they are still making an impact. Even through her anger the love bank deposits will be made.

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Okay, so should I unprotect my phone? I don't want to give the wrong impression. I also fear her knowing I know and hiding her affair more. But you are right. It is shady given the context of our relationship and my past behavior.

So I told her I canceled with my brother tonight. Her response was she made plans with a GF to go out for dinner and wanted to go grocery shopping. What should I do, say, lets the family go out, or should I let her go in hopes of catching her and finally having some proof

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Also, if she says she wants space, what do I say without telling her I'm worried about her affair

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Originally Posted by Daceman7
Okay, so should I unprotect my phone? I don't want to give the wrong impression. I also fear her knowing I know and hiding her affair more. But you are right. It is shady given the context of our relationship and my past behavior.

Yes I would take the password off your phone. You can still quietly snoop without having your things password protected.

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Originally Posted by Daceman7
So I told her I canceled with my brother tonight. Her response was she made plans with a GF to go out for dinner and wanted to go grocery shopping. What should I do, say, lets the family go out, or should I let her go in hopes of catching her and finally having some proof

You can invite her out as a family, but if she declines, I would make arrangements for a babysitter so you can follow her to see where she is going.


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What about my conversations with my friends? Delete the parts about her affair?

Last edited by Daceman7; 10/11/16 02:01 PM.
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Originally Posted by Daceman7
Also, if she says she wants space, what do I say without telling her I'm worried about her affair

If she says she wants space, then ask her if she likes Chinese. Tell her there is a great new Chinese restaurant opening downtown and you are wondering if she would like to go.

That is an example of deflection. All people in affairs fogbabble about space, amongst many other foggy things. You can't really speak rationally to someone in an affair fog, babbling about space. They want space to carry on their affair, which is not something they will tell you, and not something you will be able to discuss. I would recommend avoiding having conversations about fogbabble, it won't help the situation and will just frustrate you. If she says she wants space, tell her that's nice. Then ask if she would like a cookie, you are running to the kitchen for one.

Do not bring up the affair until you have the evidence and have thoroughly exposed.

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Originally Posted by Daceman7
What about my conversations with my friends? Delete the parts about her affair?

As you are gaining intel about her affair, be diligent to not mention it so your hand is not tipped.

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I feel so guilty for my role in this. I want to apologize again so bad. She asked when she could reschedule with her friend

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Okay, she said she doesn't really want to reschedule. She made plans and wants to do them. She doesn't want to stay home and hang out with me. She shouldn't have offered

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She says she feels like I'm doing the thing again where I say I understand her, and am telling her that I understand her need for space, but then I'm talking to her and texting her, and asking her to cancel her plans for dinner hang out with her. I'm not respecting my words to her. I have no idea how to respond

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You can tell her that you love her and you are sorry for the things you have done to cause her pain. Tell her that you are dedicated to becoming a changed man, who loves and protects her and treats her with extraordinary care.

You can tell her that you want to spend all of your time with her, from now on. She has the right to feel differently and to decline, but you are going to keep asking because you love being with her.

If it is true that you have said you respect her need for space, stop saying that.

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I said it once, prior to knowing that she was using the space for an affair. Now I feel like I set a precedent she is using against me. If she brings it up again, I'm going to try and figure out how to respond

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Originally Posted by Daceman7
I said it once, prior to knowing that she was using the space for an affair. Now I feel like I set a precedent she is using against me. If she brings it up again, I'm going to try and figure out how to respond

Originally Posted by unwritten
You can tell her that you want to spend all of your time with her, from now on. She has the right to feel differently and to decline, but you are going to keep asking because you love being with her.

If it is true that you have said you respect her need for space, stop saying that.

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So, I suggested we went to the apple orchard. She said, no I asked if she wanted to do something else, she said no. I told her I was sorry for hurting her, but I want to work this out, and I'm committed to making her happy. She told me she wants space. That I am suffocating her, and if I'm not going to stay at my dads, she is going to find somewhere else to stay

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I talked my wife about her affair on Saturday. I told her I knew and was not mad. To the contrarily, I was suffering, and knowing I had caused this suffering in her once broke my heart. I am sorry for what I have done, but I sincerely want to be here for her, meet her emotional needs, and make our marriage work. After the conversation, she went out and met the other man. She tells me she tried to sleep with him, but he said no (I don�t know if I believe that he passed) She told me this the following morning, she also told me she will no longer see him

Since then, she�s been mad at me for not telling her how I found out about her affair and has not offered anything in the way of transparency. She is still pushing for space, but I have exposed the affair to our friends and family. I am still trying to be a good husband. Cooking, cleaning, asking about her day, and just trying to be there for her. I�m working on staying the course, but hope someone can give me advice on how to continue

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