Four years ago I had an emotional affair. My wife found out and I believed we moved past it. Six months ago, my wife suggested we try an open relationship. I told her I didn�t really like the idea. That it made me uncomfortable. She said I could try first. I asked if we should set up rules and guidelines. She said; no just tell her if anything happens. I should have said no, this is an awful idea. But, instead I started talking to other women.

My wife found out and was very upset, saying I was again cheating on her. One of the women I had been talking to is a woman I work with, I told her if this makes her uncomfortable, let�s stop, that I didn�t really want this, and was completely transparent with my relationship with the coworker. I asked if she wanted me to get another job, she said no.

Three months passed that were a little tense. I asked if she wanted a divorce our counseling several times, she said no every time. That we were just in a low point and it would get better. I thought it was until one night she went out with some friends and some guy gave her his number. She started talking to him, and hiding it from me. About 2 weeks after this, she said she wanted a divorce.

I was and am heartbroken. I asked her to try and work this out with me. We have two kids, 4 & 6, a house together and have been together since 05, and I still love her. She said no, she wanted a divorce. So I started going through the steps, getting a lawyer, figuring out child care, and all the rest of the miserable process.

A week after she said she wanted a divorce, she said she wanted to work it out and go to counseling. I stopped everything divorce related at once and jumped at the chance to try and rectify our marriage. We set up counseling and have gone twice over 3 weeks. (I had to miss one because I found out my dad has cancer and took him in for surgery) During this time, I found she is still talking to this guy she met, daily.

Last week I asked her how she thought we were doing, and she said she no longer loves me, doesn�t really want to work it out, and will continue to go to counseling until our 4-year-old starts kindergarten, and then she�s gone. I told her that her relationship with this guy is making me uncomfortable and all she does is hid it from me now. I have since told her that I am going to stop asking, but if she ever wants to talk to me about it, I�m here to listen, but haven�t actually called her out on her affair. Please help me. I have recently found out about marriage builders and am now scared it�s a little too late. I want to save my marriage. Want to be a better husband and get through this, but it weighs on me every day. She can be so nice one minute, and so distant the next. What should I do? Is there any hope of saving this? Please help me. We have counseling Thursday

There is hope but it will require you to make radical changes to your lifestyle.

First, you need to go to her and tell her that it was a huge mistake for you to agree to an open marriage. Tell her that you love her and you are sorry for the past, that you are willing to make the changes necessary to create a better and SAFE marriage. Demand that she end her affair.

Read the Exposure 101 thread in the Notable Posts section. You will want to expose your multiple affairs. You need to expose her current affair to fight it and bust it up. But you should also expose your own affairs. You both need accountability and support to get through this.

Is the current OM married? If so, his BS should be at the top of your exposure list.

I would put money on the fact that she has had multiple affairs herself, or this current affair has been going on for longer than you think. When a spouse suggests an open marriage, it is almost always because they are already interested in someone else. It is their way of making it OK.

Do you still work with the coworker OW? If yes, you will need to quit that job. You will need to never see or speak to anyone who either of you have had affairs with again. I would highly suggest moving from your area to make a clean start in a monogamous marriage.

Thank you for the advice.

I told her I regretted agreeing to it. Her answer is I should have advocated for myself harder. In one of our sessions she said she brought it up because she was board in our marriage which blew my mind. I missed the suggestion as the red flag it was.

I have told her that I love her and want to change to help identify and meet her emotional needs, but she says she�s so burnt out she doesn�t really care or believe me.

I have no idea who the other OM is, or anything about him. I know his first name. That�s it. She has hidden everything else from me. I am all for exposing everything if it will help.

I do still work with the OW, and have taken steps to cut her out of my life. I switched buildings I work out of and stopped talking to her. I made my phone accessible to my wife while I was asking if she wanted me to find another job. I am totally willing to find something else.

We have counseling Thursday and I�m thinking about bringing it up then, but have no idea. I don�t want her to throw up a wall, and I�m scared she�ll just say she�s done and wants out. I know that�s on the horizon, as she said, and my day to day life right now is awful, but I have a semblance of my married life and am scared for it to end. I'm trying to figure out plans A & B, and how to implement them.

If anyone could give me advice on how to address her in counseling, I would appreciate it. I do not want to drive her away.

I hear you saying you that you advocated against the open marriage. But in reality this isn't true. If my H came to me and asked me for an open marriage, I would be shocked and would absolutely not go along with it under any circumstances. You may have said no, but then went out and had an affair under the guise of an open marriage. When your W was upset about it, you continued to do it because you were transparent about it and you are acting as if this made it OK. It was not OK and hurt your wife deeply, whether she agreed to it or not.If I were your wife, I would feel very very uncared for and unprotected.

I would refrain from making the open marriage concept something you hold her accountable to, when you yourself took complete advantage of it. It was a decision you BOTH made that was very harmful to your marriage.

Were you here to get information about Marriage Builders? The MB program is completely different from marriage counseling. It has been our experience that marriage counseling is destructive to marriages.

Counseling is in general a very bad idea. The reason is because most marriage counselors have no idea how to deal with affairs. Many many people come here with stories about marriage counseling that almost destroyed their marriages. I personally went through a couple marriage counselors myself before I got here, looking back I know that it was a complete waste of money and had I stayed in traditional marriage counseling we would be divorced.

Right now you need to forget about counseling and focus on killing this affair. You cannot fix a marriage when there is an active affair going on. Exposure is going to be your best weapon to kill the affair. You also need to go into "Plan A." Plan A is basically a two part process of 1) being at your best at all times, meeting her needs and avoiding any lovebusters, while simultaneously 2) doing everything in your power to end the affair. You want to present yourself as the best option to her, while also putting great pressure on the affair.

You need to find this information out. It doesn't sound like she works very hard to hide the fact that she is in an affair, so it should be relatively easy to snoop on her. Can you put a VAR in her car or any other place she might be talking to him? Can you put spyware on her phone? It is crucial that you get the facts about what affair or affairs she is having, so you can do a complete and thorough exposure.

Unwritten you are correct. I should have said no. I regret not doing it. I know I hurt my wife deeply which is why she started her own affair. I said no, but then she continued to bring it up and tell me we should do it. This is the way I feel. To me, I would have never otherwise done this, had I not been asked to try it out. The emotional affair I had four years ago was the worst thing I have ever done. It ate at me ever since. She told me to, then tell her. While I feel this way, I don't want to hold her accountable to it. I messed up.

Melody Lane, I am here about information about Marriage Builders. I'm doing marriage counseling because I have no other tools available to me at this time

This is not enough. Every day you go to work with the OW, is a day your WW is triggered about your affair. Whether she asked you to or not, YOU need to take the initiative here and quit this job. You need to never see or speak to this OW again.

Do you understand that you are waiting for your wife to lead the way here, you are letting her make decisions that are destructive to your marriage and you are just going along with them saying 'its not my fault because that's what she wants.' If you want to fix this, you need to take the lead and turn this around. You need to stop agreeing to things that are destructive to your marriage. An open marriage is destructive, obviously. Having affairs is destructive. Working with one of your OW's is destructive. So stop.

You need to quit this job and never see or speak to this OW again. Tell your wife you are quitting the job, because you know your affair hurt her deeply and you want her to feel safe.

How do you know the first OW, from 4 years ago? Do you ever see or speak to her?

It is your lucky day Daceman. Because the advice of Dr Harley, founder of Marriage Builders, is the best tool available to fight affairs and help recover marriages. I cannot guarantee that it will work in your case, with multiple affairs and so much destruction, but if you follow the advice it is your best chance possible. I am not paid to say that. I am someone just like you who came here for advice and turned my marriage around, as are all of the posters here.

What are you bringing up? That she is having an affair? I would assume that she knows she is having an affair.

This is one of the problems with counseling. There is a lot of talk and no action, no PLAN to follow to fix things. An affair is an addiction, you cannot talk her out of having one. You cannot rationalize with her. You cannot make her fall in love with you by 'talking' about all the pain you have caused. You cannot repair your marriage by talking.

I would suggest you ask her to ditch the counseling session and go out on a date instead. Take her out to do something she really enjoys, be at your best.

Meanwhile, start snooping and get more information about the OM.

He has a book, surviving an Affair, I'm picking it up after work. I am looking for steps and appreciate the advice you've given me. It has been very helpful. Are there more steps I can take? Should I take charge tonight and talk to her, about finding a new job, and how sorry I am. Should I confront her about her own affair tonight. I want to apologize. I'm not even mad at her. I just want her to know I am sorry I wasn't there for her emotional needs but I want to learn how to be. I feel like I'm lost and have no map.

I have been snooping. She's hidden everything from me. I have his name and that's it. I will ask her if she wants to ditch counseling and go on a date, but I fear her answer. I feel helpless

This is going to be hard to write, even though no one here knows me. After all, to me, this is the lowest thing I have ever done. The OW was a friend�s girlfriend. We hung out a lot as a group and talked a lot. At the time, I was working fulltime and going to school full time and truly felt like my wife did not care about me. So, my relationship with this OT grew and I hid it. We never held hands or expressed love for each other, but it doesn�t matter. I had someone else I was emotionally confiding in. Since then, I have cut her out of my life, and see him on occasion when we get together with mutual friends. I�m going to cut him out of my life too.

Her phone is hidden from me. She password protected it along with all of her other email accounts. As for a VAR, I have no idea what that is.

Voice Activated Record. It records only when sound is present. Velcro one in an area where she is likely to have private conversation or activities with OM. They are an effective form of intel.

If you have his name, have you searched online for information on him? Checked social media?

Okay, I'll pick one up, but that will be hard to listen to. I have his first name. Nothing else. I'm trying to figure out her password to get onto some of her accounts to see if I can get his last name or something. I put a keylogger on our computer, but she never uses it anymore. Just her phone, which is now password protected and always with her.

Does she have an iPhone and do you know her Apple ID and password?

No. She has android. God I just don't know if I can do this. She had class tonight, 630-7. She texted me after saying shes going to grab a bite to eat. I asked if she was going through a drive-through, and she said no. Shes eating in the parking lot. Its been 50 min now, I've called her to ask if she knew when she'd be home and no answer. I have our kids with me, so I cant go check up on her. Its killing me. I know what she is doing and cant do [censored] about it, and am supposed to put on a happy face when she gets home.

Your map is here Daceman. Surviving an Affair is your map. It has a very specific step by step approach to recovering from an affair. It start with gaining intel and exposing. Where are you at on this?

Can you hire a PI and have her followed? Finding out the info on OM is crucial at this point. You can recover your marriage, but not until the nail is in the coffin of her affair. That has to be your first order of business here.

I would definitely talk to her and tell her that you will be finding a new job. Tell her that agreeing to her open marriage idea was a huge mistake, and having an affair was a huge mistake and you know it hurt her deeply. Tell her that you are going to quit that job so she never has to worry about you seeing or speaking to the OW again. Tell her you are willing to do anything to make her feel safe.

Didn't she already tell you she was having an affair? I don't know why you need to confront her about having an affair. Exposure is to expose to OTHER PEOPLE about the affair, not to her. She already knows this and has admitted it to you if I am not mistaken. In which case, when she is talking to or seeing the other guy, you simply tell her it hurts you deeply and you are not willing to share her.

You do not need to 'act as if nothing happened,' you can tell her the affair hurts you. You want to remain pleasant and not angry or disrespectful in any way, but it is good to tell her the affair hurts you and you do not want to share her. Your actions up until now have screamed a lack of care and concern for her. If you act like you could care less that another man is with her, that just confirms to her that you don't care about her. You need to change that. Telling her that her affair hurts you and you are not willing to share her will show you care.

Plan the date. Make sure you put effort and thought into making it special for her. Special doesn't need to be expensive, it is the thought and effort that counts.

Can you access the phone bill to see who she is calling? Do you have access to her social media, and can you look him up on there by first name?

Thank you for getting back to me unwritten. As far as her admitting the affair, she has not admitted it. I am a working dad, and she is a stay at home mom, does a wonderful job with our kids. I do not have the money for a PI. I updated my resume last night and started applying for new jobs.

She has not admitted to her affair. She says it is just a friend she is talking too. When I had access to her phone log I could see how many times they would text, although not the actual message. I was relieved when I saw it dropped to next to nothing when she said she wanted to work this out. Since then it�s spiked a little, but still, it wasn�t a lot. I�m sad to say I felt relieved, and I�m embraced to say how I found out why the usage slowed way down. She switched to talking to him over google chat. I found out because last Saturday I had a wedding to go to. She was sitting on the couch, on her phone. When I left I went around to the side of the house and looked in the window (not my proudest moment). The second I left she pulled up google talk, or whatever it is, to talk to him. I looked into why she would have done this, and it is because she can turn off the notifications while not having it affect the rest of her texts with friends. It also doesn�t show up on the log, which I no longer have access to. I�m hoping sooner or later she will use our computer so I can get her passwords. I have his first name, and the city he lives in. I�ve googled around trying to find him and have no idea what I�m looking for. He is ten years older than me, and eleven years older than my wife, and we are not exactly young, so maybe social media is just something he never got into.

If I confront her about the affair, I have no concrete evidence to hold her to. I�ve thought about bluffing and seeing what comes of it, but still. I�ve got nothing to show her. Other than the emotional wreck I have become

You need to get more intel on him. Do not be ashamed to do whatever you need to do to protect your wife and family (ie looking in the window). You have a right to know what your wife is doing.

Do not confront her about your suspicions. I was under the misconception that she was openly having this affair although protective with the details. But since she is denying an affair, do not confront her. Confronting her will just make her go further underground and make it more difficult for you to get information. For now you just need to snoop and get the info, so you can do an exposure without her knowing about it beforehand.

If you have the phone number, can't you get the information on this guy from his number? Pay for online info if you have to.

Can you have a friend follow her? Can you have a friend stay with the kids while you follow her?

The best case scenario is for you to get a keylogger on her phone. Is there any way you can do this? Can you accidentally drop her phone in the toilet, and buy her a brand new one that you secretly put a keylogger on before giving to her?

These are all things people here have done to get the intel on a spouse's affair. You can't just accept the fact you don't know who it is, and give up. You need to get creative here.

Why are you going to weddings without your wife? I have been married for 17 years and have never gone to a wedding without my husband.

I don't exactly know what this means, but you do not want to show her 'an emotional wreck.' A man who is an emotional wreck is not the least bit attractive.

Here are things that are not attractive, to any woman: a man who has affairs, a man who agrees to an open marriage and agrees to having other men have a relationship of any kind with his wife, a man who doesn't show care or protection for his wife and family, a man who is an emotional wreck. Here are things that ARE attractive: a strong man who is protective of his wife and family, who treats his wife like a queen and handles her with extraordinary care. A man who is pleasant and fun, who does not mope around or look disheveled and broken. A man who is not disrespectful or angry.

Right now, you need to transform into the second guy. You need to show her that you are changed and will treat her with extraordinary care from now on. You also need to be the better option to OM.

Can you do this?

I agree. All good ideas. I tried to break our phone chargers so she would have to use the computer, but she just went out and got another one. I'm having dinner with my brother tonight, I'm going to see if he or his wife would be willing to stand in as a babysitter for me if an opportunity to check up on my wife arises. Same with my Dad. I am not giving up on the snooping, but until I have something, it is killing me. Knowing and not being able to prove it, just, it's been one month and 2 weeks since she met this guy. It feels like years.

No, I don't show her I am a wreck. I am nothing but pleasant and ask about her day, and nice, and try to be fun. But I feel like a wreck. And I invited her to the wedding. Told her we could dress up and have a good time. She didn't want to go.

As I stated before, when a wife asks for an open marriage, it is almost always because she already has someone in mind for herself.

There is a high probability that she has been with OM for the last 6+ months, or, she had a different OM at that time.

Either way, you need to find out what is going on. The longer it goes on, the more entrenched it becomes and the more difficult it is to kill.

Make finding this out your #1 priority.

I have also tried to change into a second guy. I work long days, come home, clean, do stuff with the kids, ask about her day, make dinner, put the kids to bed. She is dodging all of my efforts to include her in our life. She naps, or will sit in the other room. She also has told me that it makes her angry that I'm doing so much.

Then you should not have gone. You should have found something else for you BOTH to do that she was enthusiastic and excited about.

This is all because she is in affair fog. This is because of her affair.

This is why I am saying, do all of this WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY doing whatever you can to kill this affair and run this OM off. You cannot fix a marriage when there is an affair going on. You need to kill this affair, it is your top priority.

This is why I keep hammering you to do whatever it takes to get the intel so you can expose this, which is your greatest weapon against the affair.

You are right. I felt obligated because I was in the wedding party. How do I draw her into doing things. She doesn't want to do anything with me. I'm trying to get us, her, me, the kids, to go to an apple orchard this weekend.

You keep asking. You keep doing things to fill her needs, and you keep asking her to participate, even if she hisses at you and says no.

You do this WHILE YOU KILL THE AFFAIR. Until you kill the affair, you cannot fix your marriage. It is priority #1.

You should not feel more obligated to a friend at his wedding than you do your own wife and the survival of your marriage and family.

Ture. I'm ordering a VAR today. And my brother is a comp wiz. I'll see if he can hack her phone. I'm also inviting her to my brothers tonight. We are swinging by to drop off presents for my niece. If she doesn't want to go, should I? Or should I run home and check on her? It will only be for an hour, but still.

Think of it this way, if you go to events without her, you are not only doing independent things (which as a wife would make me feel uncared for) but also giving her an opportunity to interact with OM easier because you aren't there. So you are leaving a wife who feels uncared for to let OM fill the void.

The alternative to that is including her, and if she doesn't want to go, taking her someplace she DOES want to go, or even staying home having some pleasant IC with her.

The first option takes away from her lovebank and leaves the OM an opportunity to fill it, the second option gives you the opportunity to fill it.

Excellent point. What should I do if she wants to go out? Also, I'm going to ask her tonight if we could go to the apple orchard. If she says no, I don't know how to handle it. I'm going to make sure the kids arent there, so they dont get their hopes up. But I can't strong arm her into going.

If she wants to go out, tell her that is a great idea! You will find a babysitter and suggest a nice restaurant for dinner.

If she says no to the apple orchard, ask her if there is a different night she would want to go. If she says no, ask her if she wants to go buy apples at the store and make caramel apples with the kids.

The point here is: keep asking. Keep doing nice things, keep trying to do nice things. Keep being pleasant and fun.

Get a sitter for the kids and take her out. If it's time she's available, you will be at the Orchard while she hangs out with the other guy. Is that what you want?

I canceled going to my brothers tonight, although she doesn't know yet. One of the walls I'm coming up against is she saying she wants space, and I'm not respecting her request for space. If I text her during the day she rarely gets back to me, and when she does it's one-word answers. I think I've texted her every day at some point asking how she was, and all I get back is good. If she says I'm going out and I say that sounds great, lets go. She will say she wants to be alone. She doesn't want to spend time with me and if I make her, go in the same room as her when we are home, she is resentful.

But let's say she does go out, and I have someone watch my kids so I can check on her, and I find her with OM, how do I handle that.

Also, I feel shady myself because I have my own phone password protected. I've been talking to my friends about it for emotional support and fear if she tries to look at my phone, finds it locked, she will have proof, in her own mind, that I am doing something, even when all I want is to be able to talk to my friends about my own mistakes and her current affair

For a man who has had multiple affairs, this IS shady.

ALL people involved in an affair say they want space. They want space to conduct their affair without your intervening. You should not respect this as it is harmful to your wife and to your marriage.

You are right that you can't control her. You can't force her to not do something or to do something, if she doesn't want to. But you can respectfully request. Even if she says no, or throws flowers in the trash, or rips love notes to shreds, they are still making an impact. Even through her anger the love bank deposits will be made.

Okay, so should I unprotect my phone? I don't want to give the wrong impression. I also fear her knowing I know and hiding her affair more. But you are right. It is shady given the context of our relationship and my past behavior.

So I told her I canceled with my brother tonight. Her response was she made plans with a GF to go out for dinner and wanted to go grocery shopping. What should I do, say, lets the family go out, or should I let her go in hopes of catching her and finally having some proof

Also, if she says she wants space, what do I say without telling her I'm worried about her affair

Yes I would take the password off your phone. You can still quietly snoop without having your things password protected.

You can invite her out as a family, but if she declines, I would make arrangements for a babysitter so you can follow her to see where she is going.

What about my conversations with my friends? Delete the parts about her affair?

If she says she wants space, then ask her if she likes Chinese. Tell her there is a great new Chinese restaurant opening downtown and you are wondering if she would like to go.

That is an example of deflection. All people in affairs fogbabble about space, amongst many other foggy things. You can't really speak rationally to someone in an affair fog, babbling about space. They want space to carry on their affair, which is not something they will tell you, and not something you will be able to discuss. I would recommend avoiding having conversations about fogbabble, it won't help the situation and will just frustrate you. If she says she wants space, tell her that's nice. Then ask if she would like a cookie, you are running to the kitchen for one.

Do not bring up the affair until you have the evidence and have thoroughly exposed.

As you are gaining intel about her affair, be diligent to not mention it so your hand is not tipped.

I feel so guilty for my role in this. I want to apologize again so bad. She asked when she could reschedule with her friend

Okay, she said she doesn't really want to reschedule. She made plans and wants to do them. She doesn't want to stay home and hang out with me. She shouldn't have offered

She says she feels like I'm doing the thing again where I say I understand her, and am telling her that I understand her need for space, but then I'm talking to her and texting her, and asking her to cancel her plans for dinner hang out with her. I'm not respecting my words to her. I have no idea how to respond

You can tell her that you love her and you are sorry for the things you have done to cause her pain. Tell her that you are dedicated to becoming a changed man, who loves and protects her and treats her with extraordinary care.

You can tell her that you want to spend all of your time with her, from now on. She has the right to feel differently and to decline, but you are going to keep asking because you love being with her.

If it is true that you have said you respect her need for space, stop saying that.

I said it once, prior to knowing that she was using the space for an affair. Now I feel like I set a precedent she is using against me. If she brings it up again, I'm going to try and figure out how to respond

So, I suggested we went to the apple orchard. She said, no I asked if she wanted to do something else, she said no. I told her I was sorry for hurting her, but I want to work this out, and I'm committed to making her happy. She told me she wants space. That I am suffocating her, and if I'm not going to stay at my dads, she is going to find somewhere else to stay

I talked my wife about her affair on Saturday. I told her I knew and was not mad. To the contrarily, I was suffering, and knowing I had caused this suffering in her once broke my heart. I am sorry for what I have done, but I sincerely want to be here for her, meet her emotional needs, and make our marriage work. After the conversation, she went out and met the other man. She tells me she tried to sleep with him, but he said no (I don�t know if I believe that he passed) She told me this the following morning, she also told me she will no longer see him

Since then, she�s been mad at me for not telling her how I found out about her affair and has not offered anything in the way of transparency. She is still pushing for space, but I have exposed the affair to our friends and family. I am still trying to be a good husband. Cooking, cleaning, asking about her day, and just trying to be there for her. I�m working on staying the course, but hope someone can give me advice on how to continue

What happened to this advice?

Did you get the evidence?

Did you *thoroughly* expose using the Exposure 101 thread as your guide?

Who did you expose to on OM's side?

I have evidence. And I exposed it to my side. I still have no way of contacting the OM.

Scratch that, just found his cell number

What is your evidence and how did you get it?

Do you know who OM is? Do you know if he is married? What are you doing to find out how to expose it to his side?

Who did you all expose to?

Here is the deal. You have a bad infection in your leg. Very bad. We are telling you to use a full course of strong antibiotics to kill the infection, or you very likely will lose your leg. You feel bad that you got the infection, because it was due to some dumb decisions on your part. You decide to take a 2 day course of antibiotics and call it good, and hope that will kill the infection.

The infection may be subdued but will continue to grow and come back with a vengeance and you will lose your leg.

I feel like you are not taking advice, you are just cherry picking it and doing a small portion of it, which is not going to kill the affair or save your marriage.

I exposed it to everyone. Our friends, and family. Then I talked to her. The other man is not married, he is single. I only have his number.

When people don't give details of exposure, it is almost always because they did not expose properly or thoroughly.

The fact that you are being elusive about the details tells me that you did not do this properly or as we advised.

Can you answer the rest of my questions?

I put a key logger on our comp. and broke our phone charger. She used the comp to contact OM and talked about a date they had earlier in the week, and that she wanted to go over one day on the weekend for sex.

And how did you expose to family and friends?

How did she have contact with OM on the computer? Was it via texting to a cell phn or was it through an app or social media account? Can you use this to get information on him?

How do you know OM is not married?

I texted our family and friends saying my wife was having an affair with so and so, but I am committed to making our marriage work so please support us in this difficult time. She used a social media app to contact him, and how I know he is single.

The text to our family was a bit longer, but that was the gist of the message

Is it a social media app you can use to track his information to do an exposure on his side?

HOW do you *know* he is single, when you are claiming to know next to nothing about him? Do you know this guy or not?

I don't have time to pull teeth here Daceman. You are asking for help but not very willing to give us the info we need to help you.

No. Not really. The app is just for talking. I know he is single because my wife joked with him about it. Saying, this is why you are single at your age, during the course of the conversation.

He could just be lying to her to hook a married woman. You need to investigate who this OM is and expose on his side.

How did they know each other? Only through this app? Do you have a GPS on her vehicle?