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#2888605 10/19/16 03:48 PM
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 2
M
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M
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 2
Hi

I'm new here and basically found this site while searching how to survive an affair.

My husband of 9 years was caught in my home by my 21 year old daughter. He was getting a blow job (which he claims he stopped because he didnt feel right about it).

This was 2 weeks ago,

My husband is a DJ and met this person at a party. He was doing events and she got friendly with him. He said he wasn't attracted to her but she was "cool" and easy to talk to.

My husband claims nothing went on til that day 2 weeks ago when she called him while I was at work saying she was in the area visiting a friend. He gave her our address and met her downstairs. They chatted and she offered to take care of him by way of a BJ

I'm so angry typing this but anyway...

He claims she was going to do it right there on the side of the building in the alleyway but someone came. Disgusting. He selfishly invited her up and said he only wanted a BJ. I don't know what to believe but he's consistently stuck to this story. Although he did admit to talking to her on The phone and meeting outside to chat when he was in her area (4-5 times)

He said she wanted more but he told her no. He felt guilty.

Well when my daughter came in he pushed the girl out In The hall In Her panties. Guilty as sin. Begged my daughter not to tell me so he could.

Fast forward and he's been very apologetic and transparent. One momnt everything seems to be getting back to normal and the next I'm upset all over again.

When this first happened I put him out for 3 days, he was begging and pleading. He's even cut all contacts with this girl. Even blocked her on social media.

However I have an image of she and him in my head and I can't get it out. Her with her mouth on my husbands....piece it's awful.

Did I take him back to soon? How do I get these thoughts out of my head?

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Hi MrsS, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The biggest glaring problems I see here are:

1. he is lying about his relationship. he has been having an affair for a while

2. his occupation is high risk and is a big reason why this happened. if you want this behavior to change, he will have to change his risky lifestyle and find an occupation that is good for your marriage

This is probably not his first affair. A man who would so brazenly bring his affair partner into his wife's home is pretty far gone. I would look into a polygraph test and ALSO get checked for STDs. I am sure there has been more.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I've been to the dr
Thank God...nothing

Marriage counseling is next but we r having trouble finding someone. We were referred to a Christian counselor and she hasn't returned any calls

As for multiple affairs, I don't think that's the case. I'm. It about to spend money on a polygraph. If I have to go thru all of that I would rather leave him

I've also tried to reach out to this female and she was too much of a coward to respond. She actually blocked us both on facebook. All I wanted was answers

As for his job, we have come to some decisions that there would be boundaries as to the type of jobs he can take. Only weddings but no bachelor or bachelorette type parties. Kids birthdays and the casinos he regularly does (I go to those). No more bars or night clubs or special night events unless im going to

He's actually bending over backwards to try and accommodate what will make me feel secure. I just don't and I can't get the image out. He only knew this chick less than a year. I guess I'm so hurt because he and I were best friends and I thought we were good! The only thing he's said is that he hasn't felt like much of a man lately because he will want to be with me desperately but he's been having trouble getting it up.

Our sex life was mediocre at a few times a month and I was ok with that having a special needs child and all takes a lot of my time.


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Originally Posted by MrsSmithNY
I've been to the dr
Thank God...nothing

Marriage counseling is next but we r having trouble finding someone. We were referred to a Christian counselor and she hasn't returned any calls

I sure hope you don't take that route, because marriage counseling is destructive to marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and are little more than divorce facilitators. They actually have a higher divorce rate than the general population because they have no earthly idea how to save marriages. The advice we give here comes from marriage expert, clinical psychologist, Dr. Bill Harley. He has written 17 books on marriage and has a very successful marriage program.

Quote
As for multiple affairs, I don't think that's the case. I'm. It about to spend money on a polygraph. If I have to go thru all of that I would rather leave him

Wouldn't you rather find out the truth and make a decision based on facts?

Quote
As for his job, we have come to some decisions that there would be boundaries as to the type of jobs he can take. Only weddings but no bachelor or bachelorette type parties. Kids birthdays and the casinos he regularly does (I go to those). No more bars or night clubs or special night events unless im going to

That sounds like a good idea as long as you attend also. Weddings are probably not a good idea either because they are big drunken parties.

You should expose his affair wide and far. Exposure is the most important first step in recovery.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley - clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

He should also eliminate all social media according to the checklist above. He can unblock the OW in about 2 seconds. She is free to contact him on facebook, email and phone. Unless he changes all that, you can look forward to an on again, off again affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MrsSmithNY
As for multiple affairs, I don't think that's the case. I'm. It about to spend money on a polygraph. If I have to go thru all of that I would rather leave him

Ok but "not thinking that's the case" is what EVERYONE feels when they come here. Nobody wants to believe their spouse is a cheater, never mind a serial cheater. Feelings are not fact.

The fact that he has already strayed and has a high risk job should be enough to warrant the poly. However you have a third problem, like ML mentioned, that he brought this OW into the house, a "riskier" situation.

That is not the profile of a first time cheater, MrsSmith. That is the behavior of someone who is experienced at this.

And if you want to have any hope of recovering this, you need all the facts. Otherwise, you will be spinning your wheels and be heading towards a false recovery = more pain and more heartache for you.

You are already upset and hurting now, you might as well get the whole truth out NOW.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B

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