H is 40. I am 45. Married 15 years with two girls ages 7 and 11. Up until Monday, I thought that other than a few minor normal issues, my marriage was near perfect. Things we could both do better of course but nothing that we lead to what I discovered this week.

I have never in 15 years gone through my husbands phone records or messages. But last week (after over a month of acting strangely and picking fights) he told me he wanted a divorce. We are intimate several times a week at best, once every couple weeks at worst but suddenly that wasn't enough for him. He said I'm demanding and cold and I don't respect him. I can see where some of this was coming from but something seemed off and I couldn't shake it. Monday, H left his phone at home so I tested some passwords saved in the computer and opened it. He does NOT know yet that I've done this.

First, I saw that he has several tumblr accounts dedicated to posting porn. Some of that is sent to him directly by the women in the photos. There's a long cyber sex exchange in one of those messages.

Second... and I really don't know what to make of this part... because at BEST he's had a recent affair with one of my friends... and at WORST he is stalking and sexually harassing her.

Changing names here, I'll call her "Gia". We met her through the school. My youngest and her oldest son are in the same class. She and I clicked and I started inviting her over with her three kids a lot, exchanging babysitting, etc. Gia is stunning. I mean, really really beautiful and in her early 30s. She's a single mom and moved to my area to escape an abusive marriage about a year ago but has had a lot of trouble making female friends on account of how she looks and how much younger she is than most of the moms here. Other women said I was INSANE letting her come over even when just H was there with the kids but I liked her and didn't think TOO much of it. I consider myself attractive, in good shape and just thought the women worried about Gia being a "husband stealer were jealous and not giving her a chance.

As I got to know her, I found out about her ex husband's abuse and that she's since been diagnosed with severe anxiety and PTSD. She seems afraid of men and constantly gets hit on so I thought her spending time with H would be good for her since I've always thought he was SO respectful of women. But apparently I should have been worried because I found tons of messages that say otherwise. They're both musicians so he started off sending her messages on facebook about that or the kids. That part was fine. She responded to all of them in a nice way but none of it seems flirty. He asked her several times to learn songs together but either she really didn't have the time or just said she didn't. Then a couple months ago he asked her for advice about me. She said ok and he went on to talk about our marriage... I don't sleep with him enough, I don't listen to him etc. etc. She didn't respond at all for a couple hours and he sent several messages. She wrote back that night saying she didn't feel comfortable talking about that with him and that he should look into marriage counseling. I felt better after that but then she sent him another message at 3am saying she was sorry for blowing him off and didn't want to hurt the friendship with our families. They didn't talk for a few days, but then suddenly he's messaging her incessantly saying he can't stop thinking about her, she's so beautiful and sexy, he wants to be with her... They weren't alone at any point between those sets of messages I don't THINK but I guess he could have gone to her house without me knowing.

She didn't respond to any of it but his messages got more and more sexual to the point where he said he had masturbated thinking about being with her multiple times. At that point, she messaged him back and said that he was hurting my friendship with her and to please leave her alone. She said she was blocking him on facebook and there aren't any more messages there. But he's been texting her phone for the last two weeks BEGGING her to be with him intimately. He's saved tons of pictures of her that he must have gotten on social media. He's googled her name a bunch of times and has been looking at old modeling photos of her. He's telling her he's in LOVE with her and will help her fight her ex for back child support. There's nothing from her though and I don't know what to think!!! The most disturbing thing is that he has pictures of her naked but they were taken from outside through her bedroom window while she's changing. He would have to be in her backyard. They were taken last week!

I feel like I'm missing something HUGE that happened between them?! Or worse... he's trying to force himself on this woman and she's genuinely afraid!! She doesn't come over at all anymore but she does have the girls and I over often when H is still at work in the afternoons. This is all so out of character for H that I just don't know what to think or what to do. Should I reach out to Gia and just ASK her?? Do I confront H?? I've been sitting on this for days and don't have anyone to talk to about it. Please help me figure out my next step with this. If they've had an affair, I might be willing to work this out. But if he's acting this crazy obsessed with a woman so vulnerable and she really hasn't done anything to encourage it then I just don't know how to accept that! I feel like she can't possibly be the first! That plus the weird porn accounts and I just feel like I don't know this man at all.

Hi Pat, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I would recommend you put spyware on his phone, on the computer, and a VAR in his car or anywhere else he might speak privately.

I know you know he is already doing many inappropriate things, but I have a feeling what you know is just the tip of the iceberg. Do some secret sleuthing so you know exactly what you are dealing with before acting on it.

I think that might also tell you more about the relationship with this friend of yours. From what you have said (especially the photo from her back yard) it does sound like a stalking situation. But I would want to be sure before you ask her about it, because if it is an actual relationship you would need to handle it in a very different way.

I would also do some research on his porn site accounts and see if you can figure out who the women are. Do all this secretly and do not tip him off that you know anything.

I've done all this already. My brother is a software developer. I told him the situation and he talked me through installing keyloggers on all his stuff. Gia texted me briefly this afternoon too asking if I watched the debate last night but I didn't answer her.

I really feel like she's not a part of this but maybe that's just what I want to think.

The women on the tumblr account seem to be just random women mostly from other states. It looks like they submit photos to a lot of different sites

When you get the information from the keylogger you will know. Did you put spyware on his phone?

How good a friend could she be if she isn't telling you what your husband is doing?

I agree.

Should I share any of what I found with her boyfriend as well? They've been dating for a while and seem serious.

No I wasn't able to install a spyware program yet. I'll have to wait until tonight. So far the key logger today has nothing of interest.

Spent the whole day snooping and I'm just... I don't even know how to process everything. Some of this may sound insane.

He has a credit card I didn't know about. Charges are for strip clubs, dinner at various restaurants, bars and a hotel near his work all over the last six months or so. I found emails to his mom and sister dating about that far back where all three of them are basically just saying terrible things about me and planning how he can leave me without hurting the kids. There's facebook messages to his best friend about a woman I've never heard of and lots of mentions of Gia where they're both just going back and forth, gross guy talk but he doesn't say anything about being physical with either of them. I'm trying to figure out who the other woman is but she has a really common name and I haven't found a lot of clues yet.

I hope I won't be judged too harshly... I know it's crazy... but I also called Gia today and asked if she was home so I could use her washing machine. Mine really isn't working and she knew that already so it seemed like a good excuse. She was going to be gone all afternoon with her younger kids but said I was welcome to go over anyway and make myself at home. She has a chrome book... one of those google laptops... and it was logged into all her social media, email, everything even her cell phone account and iMessages so I went through as much as I could. Is that illegal? I felt like a criminal!!

I didn't find a lot that was helpful, but there were screenshots of some of H's messages and texts that he sent her in texts she sent to her boyfriend. Just with the caption "Wtf?" The boyfriend says "What a perv. Poor Patty." She answered back with a kind of long thing saying how she blocked him on fb and on her phone after he started texting her too and asked if she should tell me. No answer to that but matching it up to her phone records it looks like he called her right after.

WHY wouldn't she tell me this??? It looks like she didn't do anything wrong and I get that the PTSD might make confrontation hard for her but you would think she would say something especially since I've said H and I have such a great marriage. I feel like such an idiot! I've just been home crying all afternoon and I don't know how to confront all this.

Don't get distracted from your goal of finding out what your husband is up to. If you haven't, pull his credit report, he may have more accounts. Can you access the bill for this credit card. You may find more women.

Place a VAR in his car.

No, honestly I've seen enough. I don't think I'm interested in repairing this. I spent my whole day acting in a way I've never acted before and I refuse to drive myself insane over it for even another moment. I would much rather spend my energy finding a good lawyer. He's clearly been cheating with probably multiple people, hiding things, spending money we don't have... that combined with the gross obsession with my friend and harrassing her? No way. I'm repulsed and no matter how long we've been together, I won't put up with that kind of behavior. I wouldn't want my girls learning that anyone should be allowed to treat them that way.

Thank you for the suggestions and best of luck.

It is absolutely your right to end the marriage. He is clearly a serial seater with a secret second life, and as I said, I am guessing you have only seen the tip of the iceberg.

It is very difficult to recover a marriage with a serial cheater and takes diligent lifelong monitoring. Although it can be done, and Dr Harley has a plan in place for this, I know I would not be interested in recovering such a marriage.

I would suggest you do a full exposure to as many people as you can, your friends and family, and also anyone you can for any of the women he is cheating with. I would confront your friend and ask her the details, and tell her how hurt you are that she did not disclose this information to you.

I would move to protect your assets very quickly. You already know he has a credit card you were unaware of, it is logical to assume he will ruin you financially if given the chance.

unwritten, thank you for the response. I didn't expect that and I appreciate it very much.

I spoke with "Gia" and her boyfriend for a long time tonight. They were very open with me and there was quite a bit more to the story than I realized. She had instagram messages from H that were very threatening which was why she didn't disclose anything to me. H said he would send her address to her ex husband if she exposed anything to me and she was very scared. She had proof of all of this. I don't want to say too much more because law enforcement is now involved and her ex is very violent.

I have transferred all of my personal funds to my brother and retained an excellent lawyer. My girls and I are relocating in the morning to a residence that belongs to my parents.

I am... numb. But perhaps that's for the best. I'm going to do a full exposure tomorrow.., family, friends, employer and employees... everyone. He still has no idea that I've discovered anything but the ball will drop tomorrow.

Did you document this somehow? Did you tell Gia?

This is criminal behavior (in addition to the stalking etc) and makes me nervous for your friend. Honestly, I would report it to the police since you have personal knowledge of it and give them any evidence you have.

Sorry you are going through this.

Dr Harley does not advocate marriage at all costs. In fact he frequently suggests separation or divorce if the other spouse is continuing an affair or SSL, or is unwilling to provide extraordinary care.

Like I said, you are not just dealing with the garden variety affair, but rather a serial cheater with a SSL that includes criminal behavior. This is a very difficult marriage to recover, even if he was 100% on board.

SusieQ, yes everything is documented. There's a lot more I hadn't found either that Gia's boyfriend had been compiling. They showed me everything and she is pressing h charges against him and filing a restraining order. I feel awful for her, awful for my girls, for me... just awful. I've spoken to three other women today that have been involved with him in the last six months. Once I found one, it was easier to figure out who the others were. He apparently just lives a double life. Tells women he's single, no kids.

I just don't feel like it's worth saving. He could go to jail for what he's been doing to Gia. Lots of stalking. Threats. Begging. All just gross. I gave the police everything I had.

I haven't cried much today. Just processing everything and I feel a little numb.

Where is he staying? Is he still at home? When will you be exposing?

He's actually out of town as of this weekend for business. He'll be back Wednesday.

I was thinking about doing a full exposure tomorrow while he's still gone. He won't be welcome back at the house when he gets home for sure. I've written emails to everyone... family, friends, peers, superiors at his job, etc. Just waiting for the best moment to send.

Doing it when he is gone, and then going into a full Plan B, is a great idea. Have you read up on Plan B? It is basically a dark separation where you have NO contact with him. This is generally to maintain your lovebank while also protecting yourself, while also giving your spouse a path to recovery should they choose to invest in the marriage again. But in your case since you are wanting to end the marriage, it would simply be to protect you. I expect him to run the gammet of emotions when his SSL comes crashing down, from trying to beg you back to being angry and hostile. You should not give him any way to contact you so that you can protect yourself from this emotional meltdown.

Agree w unwritten about exposure combined with Plan B.

Did you speak to the lawyer about visitation with your girls? Given the nature of his behavior (criminal, sexually predatory) I think you're in a good position to have limited visitation ( supervised?)

Hang in there.

I am very worried about your safety Pat. Please have someone there with you when he returns. He has been discovered, and may unleash rage. His stalking behavior and double life is scary. I am praying for you and your girls. Please update when you can to let us know your alright.

Praying that all is well.