My wife and I have been married 5 years / 11 years together and have a 4 year old daughter. I recently found out that she was having an emotional affair with a co-worker that lives thousands of miles away. She says that it has only been going on for a month but since D-day (9/28) she has acted completely different towards me. I do not believe that it was only for a month. She has nothing but hatred and resentment for me. I love my wife dearly and have tried to talk to her but everything that I do or say is wrong in her eyes. She went and consulted a lawyer but has not filed yet. She says she "loves me but not in love with me" and says that she felt trapped for the 11 years she was with me. Initially she did not want to end the affair and needed her space so I moved out. The OM ended it after he realized she was still married. Since then my WW has not turned the corner and still blames me for everything and continuing to rewrite our history together. I've tried plan B but have to see her on the weekends when I see my daughter. We both acknowledged that we could have been better spouses during our marriage but she feels that there's nothing left but at times shows confusion on whether she wants to divorce or not. Can my marriage be saved?

Hi MTT, welcome to Marriage Builders. The first suggestion will be to move home immediately. Moving out is a strategic mistake that makes it 1000% harder to save your marriage. You can't save a marriage if you are not there.

Is the OM married? What do you know about him?

Melody I realized my mistake and am moving home today and implementing Plan A. The OM is separated from his wife and lives in ANOTHER continent! I have exposed the affair and he is aware that she lied to him about being married. My wife was fine until I exposed the affair. Afterwards it was basically hatred and resentment towards me. She's now saying things like "This marriage was over a long time ago", "I love you but not in love with you" and even believes that we should have never been together and that she has been miserable the entire time she was with me. She gets extremely defensive about him when asked. He ended the affair a week ago. I do not know if and how long she will be in this "fog" before she wakes up to have a conversation about our marriage. She is hell bent on divorcing. She is so volatile that I do not know who I'm talking to half the times. There are moments where I see the woman that I love but more often then not it's a stranger I'm seeing now. Does the affair fog lift during the withdrawal?

First off, to WHOM did you expose the affair? Please name the position of each person.

And secondly, when you read the thousands of other threads on this forum going back 20 years you will l see that every wayward spouse says EXACTLY what your wife said. You will be shocked. Your wife says these things because she is in an affair.

The affair is likely not over. The hatred she shows you is due to your interference in the affair.

I exposed it to our family, friends as well as her employer. She has said that she has not contacted him this past week and I can tell by her cell phone usage that she has not. She claims that he ended with her and she is now trying to look for another job. he ended it a week ago. She has yet to show remorse nor has she expressed interest in saving our marriage. Is there any hope? This past week she calls and checks on me and we've talked more than we did when she was in her affair. Can I salvage this marriage if she shows no remorse or guilt? I'm going to implement Plan A starting today but is it too late?

I would expand the exposure to the OM's wife and his family and friends. You need to run him off and keep him OFF. Otherwise he will keep coming back. The fact that you can't see any contact on her cell phone is meaningless. There are so many other ways to keep in contact. You need to contact his wife and parents and run him off.

When you say you "exposed" to these people, EXACTLY what was said and what was their response? Did they reach out to your wife?

Yes I exposed it to everyone we knew and they encourage her to stop. I do not know OM's wife because they live in a different continent. I have no way of getting OM's wife's info. I exposed it to her employer and her boss and OM ended it because of the exposure. I know she has not been in contact with OM because I have her phone/emails login etc. This was a week ago but she still has not shown any remorse about her affair. I'm at a lost as to what to do next. I'm moving home and doing Plan A starting today but feel it will be tough to get her to recommit to our marriage.

That is where you should begin. Don't rest until you have been in touch with his wife and family. Does he have a facebook page? I once had to find a husband in NEW ZEALAND so I know it can be done.


It is very doubtful he ended it. You only have the "word" of a liar. There are many, many ways for her to continue the affair. She can use a deskphone, someone else's phone, other computers.


It will be tough if you don't run this rat off. And that is unlikely to happen if you don't tell his wife and family. He will be perfectly free to keep coming back. He is probably terrified you will reach his wife.

Don't expect to see any remorse. You don't have to see remorse to recover your marriage. You have to have her commitment to this program and that is unlikely to come until you expose this RAT.

I highly doubt that you cannot find her information. It doesn't matter that she's on a different continent; every continent is on the Internet.

OW in my case lived in another country, and all I had was her first name and surname, and from that I found her husband's name, his job contact details, their home address and their home phone number. It took about 5 minutes of searching.

Living on another continent does not mean that they do not see each other; you have no idea what his work travel arrangements are. He could be the international sales rep in your area. Her not using her phone does not mean anything, either; it just means that she knows you are on to her, and she is using another method to contact him. I know, because I faced all those tricks with an OW in another country. Don't be a fool like I was, by enabling the affair because I did not expose to her husband.

Find this man's wife and expose to her. You can even hire a PI, online, internationally. He or she will find out a lot about this man. Stop being passive and blow this thing up.

Hi MTT,

I'm sorry to hear your situation. Listen to the good advice you are receiving from MB, your priority right now if you want to try saving your marriage is exposure. There are no easy short cuts. There is no time to waste thinking how long it would take for her to get out of the fog. She is not the same person right now. I was there too my friend, in denial trying to analyze things.

You can read my story, it took my wife over seven months of zero, verified no-contact with the OM to commit and start working on saving our marriage. Make sure there are no secret email accounts, fake Facebook profiles etc.

Thanks Sealife. I have exposed it and I have all access to all of her accounts and email, facebook you know it. The OM's wife who is separated from him I'm still trying to find but his boss in his dept and HR is aware of it as well. She is currently looking for another job. I can confirm there has been no contact but so far she doesn't want to recommit to the marriage. The affair ended almost two weeks now. I know during the affair withdrawal it's hard to get them to open up so right now I'm doing Plan A. Is it normal during the withdrawal period that she's still not thinking clearly like during the Affair fog?

MTT, it is imperative that you reach his wife and his family. What is being done to reach her? I am confused about why you think he is separated and if so [doubtful] why that would be relevant? Separated means MARRIED. Not that you know he is separated.

Does he have a facebook page?


How have you confirmed the affair is over?

He does not have a facebook page. He's in a different continent and I have confirmed that the affair is over. I have access to all of my wife's accounts. Her employer knows also and she was taken off projects at work that required contact with him. She is also trying to switch jobs to be away from the affair because of how embarrassed she is at work now. She tells me she regrets the affair but still does not wan to recommit to the marriage.

So they don't have landlines at her place of business? They don't have computers? I don't see how you can confirm it is over since there are so very many ways to stay in touch. As long as this mans wife is ignorant he is perfectly free to contact her.

What are you doing to contact the OM's wife? That is a CRUCIAL exposure that cannot be skipped.

Being on a different continent it not an impediment to exposure. WE have had many such global affairs on this forum. I, myself, exposed to a betrayed husband in New Zealand a few years back.

I get what you're saying they do have landlines but her employer is aware of it and is investigating them. He ended it afterwards. I'm trying hard to get his wife's information but am at an impass because of the language barrier (they speak a different language). Without a facebook account I cannot locate his wife nor his friends. The only thing I can do and have done was expose it to their employer. Again they are being watched heavily and I have a keylogger on her work laptop (she doesn't know this) so I know what she is doing and she has not contacted OM.

But you have no evidence it is ended, that is my point. And it won't really be ended until you expose to his wife. As long as his wife and family are ignorant he is free to contact your wife.


There are many ways to expose to someone on another continent. You can find her contact information and enlist someone who speaks her language to help you with exposure. This is too important to be skipped.

Melody I can't find anything about him or his wife online. I've tried translations and what not but it seems they are off the grid so to speak. I myself am not a big fan of social media and it appears OM isn't either. That is the hard part, how can you find information on someone and their life if they don't put it on the internet?

MTT, I truly am not trying to give you a hard time, but many of your beliefs about this affair come from the word of invested liars.

For example, I believe you were told by a liar, the OM, that he ended the affair and is separated from his wife. The reason he would tell you this is so you wouldn't call his wife and ruin his affair. Many cheaters claim to be "separated" or "in the process of a divorce" for several reasons. It is a tactical ploy.

Do they not have published phone #s and addresses in this country? If you can't find her yourself, you should hire a PI to do it. Most PI's can get this information quickly for around $300.